I haven’t written in a little bit because, I’ve just been figuring me out, you know?
I kind of went into a mini depression after breaking up with the last guy, because all of a sudden I had ALL this time on the weekends and didn’t know what the heck to do with myself. So I ended up doing nothing. It’s like I forgot how to make plans with my friends.
Friends are another topic — most of mine are newly married, and I no longer feel like I have that much in common with them, and especially when it comes to talking about dating. So that’s one thing I’m working on, figuring out how to make new friends in your late 20’s — it’s not easy, especially when you work with all guys.
Anyway, so since I broke up with him, I think I got hit on 4x in less than the first week, and then two guys from the past hit me up. One, I kind of laid the law down with — I realized he was using me for sex completely, but not even trying to hide it — his facebook and other social media accounts are filled with super fun activities and always beautiful people, and all he tries to get from me is a late night sleepover.
The other guy, is the one who broke up with me by text, after 4 months. So, we have been talking/sort of text flirting, although I’m not really into it. And then I think last Thursday or Friday we talked about maybe hanging out tonight when he got back from being away for the weekend. But gut feeling said not to, so I kind of ignored his texts. And it’s not like we had set plans, we just kind of said we were both free. So to me, that’s not confirming.
Granted, I’ve been on the other side of that and it’s super annoying when you think you have plans and the other person clearly did not, so I feel a little bad that way, but he texted me around 4 saying “hey” – to which I didn’t respond.
Then an hour and a half later: “are you blowing me off again?”
To which I still didn’t respond, I mean what do you say to that?
Then an hour later: “I hate you”
….wooooah there buddy. And then, I deleted the entire text conversation.
Switching gears a little, part of me wants to find my person, you know? But another part of me just doesn’t want to try. Like, not even Match.com. I’ll just grow older by myself and be happy with it. I feel like I won’t have to force it or try when or if it’s the right guy. And yeah, a lot of people meet wonderful people online dating, but I feel like I’ve been on and off so often that I’m seeing some repeats…. and that makes me feel bad about myself. Because I think, what’s taking them so long? But then I realize, that I’m that same person — so people might be thinking, what’s taking HER so long?
Plus, I’m focusing on building my finances up, and I just had to get new roommates, and I’m just trying to be comfortable in my own skin, like completely. Which I usually just distract myself with boys, trying to find happiness by being in love, I guess.
Which something tells me, the better version of myself I can make me, the better I will be for the guy when he does come along. Which I hope isn’t that far away 🙂 but if it’s not, I will be OK. I mean, I’ve been the single one in the group (always dating a different guy, never settling down, going for hot jerks, etc) for THIS long, if I can’t accept that role at almost 30 years old… then I’m just going to keep being unhappy with my life. And I want to be happy.
I’m beginning to think it’s about making the best of it, no matter what. I can’t control whether I’m in love with a man or not, or a man is in love with me, and God knows that hasn’t happened in a really, really long time, so I might as well just start focusing on what I do have and making the best out of that. If I didn’t, it would be like parking a lawn chair next to the fence and staring at the other side (where the grass is supposedly greener) that I let my own lawn and garden go to shit, cause I was too focused on what I didn’t have.