So, I’ve been out with this guy twice now-and he makes me so happy. roses on second date happy, sexy dimples tan skin blue eyes makes me laugh kisses me all the time happy, super open with his feelings happy. its intense but its like love is hitting me in the head. 

The only thing I’m a little worried about I guess is that he’s kind of rough looking, as in tons of tattoos, and I don’t know how my dad would feel about it. I feel like my family wants me with someone from the same type of town, preppy, etc. but, I never felt like I one hundred percent fit in anyway With them. I guess it doesn’t matter what they think though, I’m the one trying to pick a husband for myself and I’m the person who has to fall in love and be happy. 

Plus, he’s way, way better than the degenerate my sister has been involved with and keeps going back to! And my family doesn’t like him but doesn’t stop her either. 


eHarmony Date One

Hi guys~

SO I just got back from date one on Eharmony. I’m a little drunk. We split a bottle of wine, and I don’t drink much, and I weigh all of 130 lbs, so 2.5 glasses of wine in the span of two hours will get me a buzz, especially not eating much for dinner! (ordered salmon, couldnt eat it all)

So, we got along really well, he’s totally cute in a conservative, preppy kind of way, which is SO usually not my type, because usually I see myself as damaged goods. But not lately, lately I’m like fucking super woman for living though what I lived through and still being me. 

Anyway, the conversation flowed, things went well, he said talk to you soon at the end of the date and made several future references, although sometimes i”m like crap I’m too tipsy and I ruined it. We will see. 🙂

He went to the college I wanted to go to, has a good job, had a long relationship, im his first eHarmony date, he coaches football, etc.

It would be like, the happily ever after perfect match. but still, part of me feels like – is he going to accept the tattooed, pierced belly button side of me?

…in the meantime, this hot guy from Facebook and I are talking. he’s a polar opposite from eharmony — tattooes, single dad, construction worker, love everything he stands for. So he meshes with the rebel side of me, not quite fitting in side of me. But maybe not the professional side of me?

I’m such an anomaly. 

Date tomorrow night!

HI girls (and guys) — so, I have my first eHarmony date tomorrow night. I think this was one guy I thought was cute in the “what ifs” and sent him a message. 

He responded, we did their guided communication thing for a bit and then he jumped to email in eHarmony, and then personal emails, and now we text. 

Things I like so far: -he coaches high school football part time, he’s in construction management (so can we say manly man so far?), he does what he says he will (i.e. said he would text me this past weekend and did) – he’s NOT an over-texter -he kind of texts back at random times, but is consistent in his time lapses — so I don’t feel like he’s constantly hounding me via text and that I have to “keep up” but he still keeps me guessing. 

He also suggested meeting up with me near me, even though he lives in the city, and then asked if I had any places to suggest but before I could answer suggested somewhere nice, he’s interested in my work — all good things.

Haven’t met him yet, but from the two photos online (yep, 2) he seemed attractive.

And while usually I’d want more pics, I’m kind of excited that it’s potentially a little bit blind. 🙂

In preparation, I got my nails done yesterday. They are SO short right now but I got gel anyway, OH! My manicurist gave me some awesome tips if you get gel nails and they dull out from hairspray, gel, etc — pour alcohol on a cotton swab and rub it on your nails! Restores shine. How awesome???

I also got in to, but honestly there aren’t that many people in the area, and most people haven’t logged in for about a month. Awesome, right? And, which is the same kind of philosophy. Hey, casting a wide net ladies.

Book recommendation: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match 

Why you should read this book: If you’re single, and you’ve been looking, it teaches you how to change your attitude so you don’t air a sense of desperation while you’re trying to find your man. People can always sense that. It also helps you to be happy with where you are in life RIGHT NOW, so that you give of happy vibes, and men (And women) like that. Seriously, check it out. Recommended to me by my therapist (And she’s been dead-on with her book recommendations so far).


A few things I wish online daters knew.

-Most women do not like facial hair. Shave. (Yes, I understand that some do, but there is a disproportional amount of profiles I see of guys with facial hair. Think about it…)

-If you put up only “attractive” photos of you, then we become Facebook friends and I don’t like the rest of your photos, don’t be surprised when the communication drops. False advertising.

-I don’t think most people really want to email or text forever. If someone seems interested enough, ask to meet up. Otherwise you will probably cause them to lose interest.

-If you wouldn’t be confident enough to approach me at a bar, then you probably shouldn’t try to email me.

-If a person has a bunch of photos you find attractive and then one that makes you go “eek” — they probably look like the “eek” photo the majority of the time.

-Be picky! If you’re looking for head over heels love, and you CAN find it btw, then don’t settle for people you think are “OKay” Okay doesn’t make you fall and stay in love.


So I’d like to be in love again. I’ve dated guys, but I haven’t fallen in love in years. At least where it’s been returned, and the guy didn’t decided to take a job in Texas at about the same time we were taking off, and so on and so forth. 

It seems like everyone around me is coupled up. So, it’s like I made the decision that I was ready to try again, and now — I signed up for eHarmony, and — talking to a few people, nobody I’m excited about, there is one potential who, I’m not really sure if he’s attractive or not — he only had two pics up, and no facebook for all that I can tell. He mentioned getting drinks this week, but I’m not sure if that will happen.

Also, I get emails daily (so far) by people that I look at and think, …ok, not to be mean, but if you saw me in a bar would you EVER think you had a chance with me?  –that just gave me an idea to (join?) — so far the reviews online seem scammy, but we’ll see what happens. So far I’m being voted “in” — basically other members vote on you for 48 hours and if you get more green than red you get to join the site. Oh man. This is funny. … once you sign up there is a running tally of people who vote you “beautiful” and “hmmmm okay” and “no” and “absolutely not” — LOL. Gosh, if I don’t make it that will be funny (I modeled, and as you guys know get a good share of dates) — anyway back to eharmony–

it’s slow as f-k. 

Match was so much faster!! As far as emails, etc. But, I’m not doing match, so whatever. hehe. 

And, I will let you know (IF I get in) how many “beautiful people” there are in my area … to be continued.




Bikini fitness, eHarmony, group therapy… melting pot post!

Hi Lovelies,

So, I haven’t mentioned that I’m in group therapy these days — I’ve been in therapy forever off and on due to family history and complications, and my primary therapist told me after a while that she thinks group could really help me. So she found some groups, and now I’ve been in one for a little over a month.

I was def nervous about it at first, but it turns out it IS helpful. It’s one thing to have a friend or therapist tell you what you’re experiencing is on par with everyone else; it’s another to get that feedback from peers your age group who are basically strangers that you know really well inside therapy. It’s also really good practice for me to tell my story to people in person and reduce some of the shame that goes along with it.

Anyway, this week’s group was super positive, and I was happy for everyone! Just good things going on all around. My latest thing, is I decided I need a “thing” — so I’m thinking about signing up with a fitness competition team, and entering my first bikini fitness competition in 2014. 🙂 Hey, if I turn 30 and am in the best damn shape of my life, then it could rock!

Also, I joined up on I decided I’m ready to get out there again. But, I want it to be just ONE of the things I’m doing and not THE thing. Do you know what I mean? Besides work, of course.

And I’ve been putting a lot of effort into seeing friends, so I don’t feel like I don’t have any — especially single friends. But then, I’ve also realized some people don’t know me that well and aren’t as good of friends as I thought. I’ve been using and to try to meet new girl friends online (ha, ha) — my therapist actually suggested it. There’s meetup too, but a lot of that is co-ed and I really want to keep guys out of it.

So, all in all, I’m feeling pretty positive about things. I know I wasn’t put here to walk this earth alone (although when I’m upset I swear that’s the truth! lol) — I know he’s out there — I know I will recognize him when I see him. Not like “oh I know you” recognize, but I will know the man could be something special.

Also, this time online I’m going it with a “take no prisoners” attitude – as in, deleting/hiding anyone who might not meet my attractiveness standards (no, i’m not shallow, someone can be “good looking” and seem like a tool, but I’m a pretty girl, so…), someone who doesn’t meet my height standards (from my ex, I realized I can’t do 5’6″, even though I am 5’4″. I need 5’7″ at the minimum, only if he hits it out of the park on other areas.

Here is my list other than that:

-physical fitness is important to him, as is eating healthy

-he is driven in life with career, etc

-not all wrapped up in appearances but shines up nice when he tries, like someone who can scrub out and go out on a weekend morning with a “Devil may care” attitude

-Likes to laugh

-Goes with the flow and lets little things go

…I just realized I’m basically describing myself. Hahaha. Other than that, I don’t think I care much.

Laters Baby  (yep, 50 Shades reference)


The majority of my relationships just aren’t that deep.

So today I logged in to blog and had a trophy icon, apparently I’ve been here for one year. Congratulations, me. Notice lack of enthusiasm. Well, as it turns out I’m still trying to get to the other side, only right now I’m kind of on haitus.

The thing is, it’s really difficult to keep going with dating, to keep trying, when you repeatedly have 3-4 month mini relationships. The reason it’s trying is because you have to go through that initial anxiety phase and the self-disclosure of the good and more anxiety-provokingly the not-so-good.

It’s kind of funny, my friends aren’t used to talking to me without me having some dating thing to talk about. Or some guy at all. I guess I just burned out, maybe. And it’s not really that I’m jaded, I just literally do not have enough energy to even want to try to go on dates. Maybe it will return someday, in fact I hope it does, but at this point I’m so tired of meeting and dating so many wrong people. And I’m really not in a hurry to get married or have a family. But I would like someone to just do stuff with, that gives me butterflies. Honestly, part of me wonders if I even can have butterflies for someone. But maybe it’s just also that I’ve been doing the online dating thing for so long, and all the guys I do feel chemistry with end up being total, unavailable, jerks. And there’s been low-level chemistry with other guys, that have become boyfriends, but the low-level chemistry has always faded and left me with a kind of apathy, and thinking they’re more annoying in my life than bringing joy.

And isn’t that the point, for someone to bring joy to your life? There’s no point in being with someone if you aren’t totally happy with them at the beginning — within the first few months.

Honestly, I want the whole relationship thing to happen organically, and NOT using internet dating — but I have no idea how that would happen.

I’m going to be 30 in a handful of months, and granted I was never very good at relationships in general, but I spent a lot of my life surviving instead of living because of how I grew up. And no matter what anyone tells you, that makes you always kind of feel like an outsider. You can fake being together, in fact you can actually HAVE it all together, but still be a barren emotional wasteland on the inside, because you didn’t really have love growing up, you were just surviving.

So it’s pretty typical right, then you start to feel attraction for the opposite sex one day, and someone you think is cute or gives you butterflies shows you attention, and makes you feel good, and wanted, when nobody ever wanted you. And that feeling right there, that someone wants you, in whatever capacity, is so validating. I mean someone who you also want.

And it’s easy for people to identify that issue, but the problem is, if your own parents didn’t really validate your reason for being here growing up, then you are left with an empty shell where emotional strength is supposed to be always uncertain of what exactly it is you’re supposed to be doing.

To be honest, before college I got a lot of validation from being good in school, book smart, and the attention and praise my teachers gave me I was so starved for at home, that that kept me going for a while. But once you’re in college, you don’t even know your teachers.

As I said earlier, I’m taking a break from dating. I’m trying to work on my relationships with my female friends. I’ve never been very good at those either. It’s been pointed out to me lately that I tend to be “friends” with people who take a lot from me, but don’t give much back. And it’s nice to feel needed. So one of the things I’m trying to do, is develop friendships with women who are capable of being an equal friend, and not just me putting in effort, and so on.

It’s a really difficult thing to do, to try to fill yourself up on the inside when your parents didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Fortunately for me, I got some of that from my step-mom when I was half way through high school, so I sort of saw what things were supposed to be like. But there’s a reason they call it “formative years” — when you’re a kid is when all your subconscious wiring is being put in place and finalized.

The other side of it is, I don’t know why I’m so fucked up and my little brother isn’t. My little sister kind of is, but she manages to find long term relationships even if they are really bad, long term relationships. I don’t know which one of us is better off, to be honest. But, as I was writing that last sentence or three, I realized my mom pretty much worshiped my brother, doted on my sister, and hated me. She always hated me because she knew I was a daddy’s girl, and would side with my dad whenever she was drinking, etc, because I was old enough to see who was the more put-together parent. She probably inflicted a lot of emotional damage, like she would come into my room at night when she was drunk and just stand there, swaying, asking me whether or no I would care if shek illed herself and telling me she hated me. And being drunk she probably has no idea she even did those things, but you can’t unsay stuff you said when you’re drunk, especially things you said to your own child.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, though I have recognized now that I am disabled when it comes to connecting with people.

The funny thing is, there’s a trend of nobody thinking I need them. My life forced me to become so very independent that, although the guys who I’ve gotten close to have always admired and commented on that quality, I think maybe the independence turns away people who are looking for a warmer, more connected, emotionally available person.

The last guy, he wanted to be there, and be everything, the whole nine yards, but I just lost feelings. I felt pressured. I didn’t want to move straight into serious relationship land, I wanted to just have someone who I could call mine and have fun together and build this history of fun and laughter and good times and THEN create all the serious stuff.

The other funny part is, it’s not like I’m anti-social. I love being out and talking to people, making friends. The thing is, I can only (so far) form surface relationships and friendships. The majority of my relationships just aren’t that deep.