So today I logged in to blog and had a trophy icon, apparently I’ve been here for one year. Congratulations, me. Notice lack of enthusiasm. Well, as it turns out I’m still trying to get to the other side, only right now I’m kind of on haitus.
The thing is, it’s really difficult to keep going with dating, to keep trying, when you repeatedly have 3-4 month mini relationships. The reason it’s trying is because you have to go through that initial anxiety phase and the self-disclosure of the good and more anxiety-provokingly the not-so-good.
It’s kind of funny, my friends aren’t used to talking to me without me having some dating thing to talk about. Or some guy at all. I guess I just burned out, maybe. And it’s not really that I’m jaded, I just literally do not have enough energy to even want to try to go on dates. Maybe it will return someday, in fact I hope it does, but at this point I’m so tired of meeting and dating so many wrong people. And I’m really not in a hurry to get married or have a family. But I would like someone to just do stuff with, that gives me butterflies. Honestly, part of me wonders if I even can have butterflies for someone. But maybe it’s just also that I’ve been doing the online dating thing for so long, and all the guys I do feel chemistry with end up being total, unavailable, jerks. And there’s been low-level chemistry with other guys, that have become boyfriends, but the low-level chemistry has always faded and left me with a kind of apathy, and thinking they’re more annoying in my life than bringing joy.
And isn’t that the point, for someone to bring joy to your life? There’s no point in being with someone if you aren’t totally happy with them at the beginning — within the first few months.
Honestly, I want the whole relationship thing to happen organically, and NOT using internet dating — but I have no idea how that would happen.
I’m going to be 30 in a handful of months, and granted I was never very good at relationships in general, but I spent a lot of my life surviving instead of living because of how I grew up. And no matter what anyone tells you, that makes you always kind of feel like an outsider. You can fake being together, in fact you can actually HAVE it all together, but still be a barren emotional wasteland on the inside, because you didn’t really have love growing up, you were just surviving.
So it’s pretty typical right, then you start to feel attraction for the opposite sex one day, and someone you think is cute or gives you butterflies shows you attention, and makes you feel good, and wanted, when nobody ever wanted you. And that feeling right there, that someone wants you, in whatever capacity, is so validating. I mean someone who you also want.
And it’s easy for people to identify that issue, but the problem is, if your own parents didn’t really validate your reason for being here growing up, then you are left with an empty shell where emotional strength is supposed to be always uncertain of what exactly it is you’re supposed to be doing.
To be honest, before college I got a lot of validation from being good in school, book smart, and the attention and praise my teachers gave me I was so starved for at home, that that kept me going for a while. But once you’re in college, you don’t even know your teachers.
As I said earlier, I’m taking a break from dating. I’m trying to work on my relationships with my female friends. I’ve never been very good at those either. It’s been pointed out to me lately that I tend to be “friends” with people who take a lot from me, but don’t give much back. And it’s nice to feel needed. So one of the things I’m trying to do, is develop friendships with women who are capable of being an equal friend, and not just me putting in effort, and so on.
It’s a really difficult thing to do, to try to fill yourself up on the inside when your parents didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Fortunately for me, I got some of that from my step-mom when I was half way through high school, so I sort of saw what things were supposed to be like. But there’s a reason they call it “formative years” — when you’re a kid is when all your subconscious wiring is being put in place and finalized.
The other side of it is, I don’t know why I’m so fucked up and my little brother isn’t. My little sister kind of is, but she manages to find long term relationships even if they are really bad, long term relationships. I don’t know which one of us is better off, to be honest. But, as I was writing that last sentence or three, I realized my mom pretty much worshiped my brother, doted on my sister, and hated me. She always hated me because she knew I was a daddy’s girl, and would side with my dad whenever she was drinking, etc, because I was old enough to see who was the more put-together parent. She probably inflicted a lot of emotional damage, like she would come into my room at night when she was drunk and just stand there, swaying, asking me whether or no I would care if shek illed herself and telling me she hated me. And being drunk she probably has no idea she even did those things, but you can’t unsay stuff you said when you’re drunk, especially things you said to your own child.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay, though I have recognized now that I am disabled when it comes to connecting with people.
The funny thing is, there’s a trend of nobody thinking I need them. My life forced me to become so very independent that, although the guys who I’ve gotten close to have always admired and commented on that quality, I think maybe the independence turns away people who are looking for a warmer, more connected, emotionally available person.
The last guy, he wanted to be there, and be everything, the whole nine yards, but I just lost feelings. I felt pressured. I didn’t want to move straight into serious relationship land, I wanted to just have someone who I could call mine and have fun together and build this history of fun and laughter and good times and THEN create all the serious stuff.
The other funny part is, it’s not like I’m anti-social. I love being out and talking to people, making friends. The thing is, I can only (so far) form surface relationships and friendships. The majority of my relationships just aren’t that deep.