Reflecting back to heal the present

Well well well… Welllllll

So I heard from him the day after Christmas. But my phone didn’t deliver the message until the next day. So, he wanted me to go over and watch a movie before he had some errands, and then he had to go do something and then he wanted me to go back after and spend the night. I wasn’t immediately available so he said, come over here and fuck me, lol.

To sum it up, I went over, we had great sex, but that was it. He even said after, well, 4 pm booty call. But then before he is all, thanks for coming, I hope it wasn’t too out of your way, etc etc, and after, so when are you moving in? And I joked maybe if we are still coasting at, you know, three months we can talk but let’s leave it for now. And he asked if my necklace from Christmas was from my ex boyfriend, and if Bailey was a guy or a girl that I was hanging out with.

The New Years debacle

So he’s casually talking and brings up New Year, asks what I’m doing, I ask what he’s doing, he tells me they haven’t decided about places, so I say, did you want to do new years together? And he goes, like you and me??? And I say yes and he goes, oh boy. Then he’s like I already planned with them etc etc but yes yes of course you can meet up with us.

Pause.

I don’t know about that oh boy there… And he goes, I was kidding! I was kidding.

And then conversation changed and we ended up having sex again… Then he had to go see his cousin and we left his place, he kissed me goodbye and we went out separate ways…

I was a little put off by him calling it a booty call, but that was more circumstantial I think than anything else.

So, I text him the next day : hey! Did you decide where you are going? We are having trouble finding places still selling tickets

……drumroll…… No response.

Amazing how great he is at texting when it’s his idea!

So I guess it remains to be see whether or not the “booty call” comment was circumstantial or is really where he is going with things. I think next time he asks me if I want to go over and watch a movie, I’m going to up the ante and say, or I have movie passes..wanna go to the movies?

Assuming there is a next time.

Side note, it’s a shitty time of year to be single when everyone else in your immediate family is in a relationship, and so are all your friends. Ok, maybe not all of my friends, but a good number of them. But I shouldnt panic so much, I could have a boyfriend if I just wanted a boyfriend. The most recent ex still wants … Something, I think.

Let’s back track the boyfriends.

-Chris..
(Dave)
-Eddie..
-Josh..
-(Newport)
-Aaron
-Chris
-(Adam)
-Samir
-Brian
-(Tom)
-New Jersey
-(Seamus)
-(Brent)
-(psycho guy)
-(Blake)
-Cory
-Paul
-(Nick)
-hip hop
-Michael Paul
-(Leo)
– (Lax)
-Ethan
-Mike
-Eddie

Wow…ok, anytime I feel down I will refer myself to this post. All these guys I had some sort of significant learning / dating thing with. Parenthesis mean it never went official, per say, because of timing or other factors. But, this reminds me that the loneliness is *just temporary* and although some names on this list caused me a lot of pain, I am indeed lovable and it’s just a matter of time before it all aligns properly and I am dating someone in a committed relationship that lasts more than 3 months. I think it really is a case of i just haven’t met the right guy yet, the one I’m ultimately supposed to be with. And while I may not be the prettiest girl out there, I am pretty, and my personality knocks it out of the park, for the most part ๐Ÿ˜‰

And that’s the point of this blog really….to help me figure out and reflect on the journey to meeting the one I settle down with. Everyone always says have fun, take it light, etc, but settling down is a little bit scary. And I think I messed it up with the last guy i was falling in love with because the Future was on my mind. I hereby vow to forget all that crap and just live for the moment. Well, sort of. I don’t want to be some giant whore. Lol. But believe it will come to me *and I don’t have to make it happen, it just will*

As for the latest guy… Only God knows what the future really has in store as far as he goes. I’d love to have a final name for this list, no better, I’d like to not even care or have the need for a list.

I see myself with a wonderful guy who is handsome, smart and funny, kind, affectionate, and driven at work. The type of guy who likes animals and loves kids. And the sex is great.

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Today I feel much better!

Ahhhhh I feel so much better today! Nothing much changed, I think just, my anxieties were getting the best of me, and I am waiting for my new job to start and stressed about going til Feb without a paycheck, and I feel like I have a ton on my plate.

A far as the main crush, one of my friends suggested doing affirmations when I asked how to handle my anxiety over the situation. And also a law of attraction exercise.

I’m also learning, through the Mars and Venus books, to really focus on being positive when I’m around him, and to appreciate whatever he does however I can. It sounds a little housewifey, but, I think with men when we give them what they ultimately want, we get what we want by default…which is really companionship from someone who is special to us for whatever reason.

I think in the past I may have been too negative, because women talk to blow off steam, and I like to complain about my life when it’s tough to my boyfriends. If they were smarter they’d know that we just want a shoulder to cry on, but really they internalize it as oh, she isnt happy, therefore I don’t make her happy, and I can’t fix it for her, so, what is the point of this conversation?

So I will work on that. Not talking about negative things with men.

And, my friend also suggested not doing things out of fear. Like, if I want to ask a guy something… In this case, can’t we talk more often, in this case it’s out of fear that him not talking to me means he isn’t really interested. My friend says, it could be he just isn’t a phone guy, and pointed out we do talk once a week or so. She asked me if that was bad, and I said no. It’s not bad, just not what I’m used to.

But I also tend to ask guys where it’s going, or what we are, or whatever, when I am afraid it’s not going how I want. I phone a guy or text him usually when I’m afraid he has lost interest, or doesn’t have interest. Unless there is a damn good reason, then, or a guy is a steady boyfriend, I just have to trust that he will contact me when he needs his emotional side filled up a bit. He’s probably scared too.

And if he lets me go, well, then first:he’s an idiot, and second, it just means God has someone better than him planned out. ๐Ÿ™‚

Heh, I remember when he called me late night and I called him back the next day, he didn’t call or text me back until the entire next day. And he told me he looked at the pic several times the week after I sent it to him, which I had no idea about since the time I heard from him was when I texted him that week, on Monday, and then we didn’t talk til Fri, when he wanted to switch plans.

We will seeeeeee what happens!

Figuring out how I feel now

So I heard from him on Sunday, he texted me just to say “dress up and come over tonight?” at about 5. I woke up and texted him back but he never got back to me…that was around 8:30. He prob made other plans, but still he could have texted me back. Guys at dumb though. I mean half the time my ex would see it and forget or not even realize.

Saturday he ended up going out so when he told me I said have fun! And he didn’t write back.

I guess at least he is consistent, it’s not like he was ever a big communicator with texting even though he was interested, he only uses the phone to make plans. I had to ask him because he seemed so disinterested!! And then we had two more dates after that.

Maybe I’m feeling so uncomfortable with things because now its definitely a romantic relationship yet I don’t know how he feels at all. Except for when we are together. Supposedly he holds back a lot when we aren’t together but then he can’t help it when we are.

Ok, just read on some websites and the advice I liked was to basically stop all the overthinking and assure myself with some mantras, like, if it’s meant to be he will call, if not I will have more energy to meet the right person, and no big deal if he doesn’t, and to focus on whether i like him, not the other way around.

On that matter, I like him a lot … When we are together. But, I am a little concerned that he doesn’t treat me with respect. Which is totally not the case when we are together, but it’s clear his primary goal is sex. And he did invite me to see his place first, he did say he wants a girlfriend…. Maybe he just has a pretty immature idea of what a relationship is. He talked about us as of we are “sort of seeing someone” What else…. Well he texted me on Friday to reschedule a date from Saturday when he found out he may have to cancel Saturday…
He did tell me he has been very stressed and focused on other things.

I like that he is handsome and observes well, but I don’t like that he barely talks to me, no matter what else is going on.

You know what? I’m single, I can do what I want, if he doesn’t text me back he can fuck off and I won’t sit here whining about it, I will simply forget about him and move on!!!!

Ok, Queen rules: he has five days to get in touch. If he doesn’t then it’s way too casual.

Ok so saw him weekend before, texted on 3rd, called me on 7th, saw him that night, he texted me on the 12,(bikini photos went up), he asked for a pic I sent him one, didn’t hear from him besides a thank you, so I texted him on the 17 (asked how weekend went), then he asked me out, then he texted me on the 21 (plans rescheduled)
….

You now what fuck this bs, pattern is he is seeing me every other weekend, and we are talking every 5 days or so, I guess it could be considered taking it slow…. But maybe too slow for me?

Let’s see how long he goes. It’s the 25 today. I feel like giving him three days, but I suppose I’ll give him 5. More than that and I guess it will depend how I feel.

But the bottom line is this: he knows I like him, he knows we have fun together, he knows how to contact me. I’ve put myself out there a bit and since we slept together his responses leave much to be desired.
-I texted sat about previous plans, fine conversation
-he texted sun, no response after I replied hours later
-I texted today (tues, Xmas)

It’s getting annoying.

I’m done unless something changes, I’m done.

So, still haven’t heard from him, but we aren’t at the talk daily stage anyway. I just wondered if it would change anything after we slept together, but I shouldn’t expect it to. So I guess I am not going to expect too much, I’d definitely appreciate a merry Christmas call or text but I almost feel like even that is more serious than we are.

I don’t regret what happened, it was still a nice time and he is a great guy. He seems mature, insightful and put together, not to mention that I find him very attractive.

It’s a slower pace than I’m used to for sure but that’s not a bad thing. I guess I just would like to hear from him more! I def want to just text him and say hi and see what he is doing but I know it’s not the best thing to do……

Thoughts

Ok, so this guy is confusing me a bit because, other than the two times we hung out, he’s absent entirely from my life. We made plans for Saturday, I just feel like dating isn’t a priority for him right now.. which I guess he told me in so many words, actually he did tell me that, since I asked him after we hung out the first time then we didn’t talk for a little while other than him texting me a day later. But then when he’s drunk he just says everyone’s looking for the same thing: love. and he tells me cuddling on Sundays is what makes him work and what the key to his heart is. And he told me he does want a girlfriend, when I asked him directly. But then he doesn’t really put effort into contacting me. So I guess, he could just “not be that into” me. But it definitely seems like he is when we are together. So, naturally assume he is into someone else, too, right? Or he is just crazy busy. Which he says he is.

I mean, timing is important… idk. I’ll write more on this later, I just got called into work.

++++++

Later: Ok, so I did some more Googling and got some more viewpoints… and basically, a few things came up: some say, get commitment first. Some say, if a guy is really attractive, he can probably find another girl who will sleep with him without making demands. Also, it would be selfishly motivated, and manipulative.

But, it occurred to me while I was running on a treadmill (yes, me, run on a treadmill — crazy) that even if things with the guy I like don’t go anywhere, or this weekend doesn’t go through, or he just falls off the face of the earth… then I will find a BETTER guy. And in the meantime, I’m making my body hotter and hotter each day. Double win for me ๐Ÿ™‚

He is hard to read – everything is said right done right when we are together, but then I don’t hear from him really that much at all other than the night he wants to see me. Minus a few exceptions. But he’s not very conversational over text. Hmm…well, I guess it can be talked about eventually if things move forward. But at this rate…I have no idea what he thinks/wants from me. Although he did ask me to be their first guest at his new place, etc.

How rare it is

Ok, so now it’s beenย  4 days since I’ve talked to the guy I’m interested in. Some people would say oh just talk to him, only the thing is, I kind of know he’d get together if I put it out there. But, I don’t want to put it out there. I want him to WANT to get my attention and time. Or to say hi.

Now, we know each time we’ve gotten together, its been 1) last minute and 2) apologetic (meant to call you sooner) and 3) after a few drinks. So, if people are a creature of habit, I can probably think that my next communication from him will be under the same scenario.

Now, if he doesn’t contact me again… I will be sad, and sad about the potential I saw. But, there are other guys out there, and maybe I will meet someone like him, and at least I’ve now seen for the second time that people can make me feel super special and loved.

I know God has someone perfect lined up if it’s not this guy, then he will come along at the perfect time for me. I feel like now is a great time, but what do I know, I don’t know what my future holds. Plus, the guy is moving this week (if he got the apartment)…… annnd I’m making excuses. But, there is NO commitment here, whatsoever. No promises to talk to each other.

I’m disappointing, sure. But, when it does work, that’s what makes it so great! When you know how rare it is.ย 

It’s been a few months!

Alright, so I ended up breaking up with the last guy – I guess looking back at my last post, I should have been able to tell (well, maybe not “should have”) but it wasn’t right. It didn’t end up getting better. We still talk, and we still flirt, but the same things that I don’t like are still there, like:

-He drinks/smokes way too much…he’s very irresponsible

– He’s still …not the smartest guy lol, but adorable

– He’s still super nice and I do LIKE him

– He still doesn’t respect my time.

Since September, I don’t really think I’ve been out with anyone. The guy from the summer called me, on his birthday, and… even though I KNEW better, I was curious, and went over. Late night. We talked a bit on the phone before, about us/what happened, and basically I got to his place, we talked more, and then … fill in the blank. I protested and even said well how do I know you’re just gonna never talk to me again, and he said that wouldn’t happen, but – he got mad the next morning when, after getting bagels from one place, and then going somewhere else because he didn’t like the coffee there, he got mad that I took a bite before he sat down with me.

Because I wanted the bagel sandwich to still be hot. He said, he almost left, he was so mad.

Like, really? Still the same, high-strung, have to go two places to get breakfast but will yell at you for something relatively small… guy. So I guess in a way, I dodged a bullet.

Texted with the old ex, the fighter, and even talked on the phone a bit, but his usual argumentative, accusatory assholeness showed up so I told him I didn’t think we should try to be friends at that point, and he said well you just turned now into never. #child

Then I did the online thing a bit, but nobody I really wanted to meet. And I had a ton of work drama, and applied for new jobs, and landed an awesome one – Tech Writer for a company that designs machines used in pharmaceutical research – but it doesn’t start til Jan 7, so now I’m doing nothing, except I just got a job helping out the gym I work out so at least I have SOMETHING to do. I am still working on my FHTM business, but there’s not a lot I can do during daytime hours, as I need to meet with people when I can meet with them. But I have two people who are actively interested that I need to meet with. And I’m going to start pitching people again. I also need to get to 10 points, so 5 more (ok, 6, because I’m paying for 1) … so either three more DISH customers, or who knows, I need to go to CT. LOL.

I’ve also been spending more time with friends, which I’m happy to say I have new ones in the area, and on my best friend’s wedding plans. And with the dogs.

There is the guy I met at the dog park, but I am not into him that way. I can tell he is interested, but, I don’t want to lead anyone on. Also, I think it’s strange that he only wants to hang out with me. Every time he’s free, so I’m not sure he has many friends in the area – either that or they are all married. He’s a bit older. Plus he wanted me to do Christmas tree decorating with him, and go on a whole day trip/5 hour hike, and it’s just…too much.

Then, a good friend of the guy I “dated” over the summer, friended me on Facebook, which I thought was odd since I don’t talk to or hang out with that guy anymore. Then, a few weeks later, he messaged me, and ended up asking me to hang out.

We went out that night, had fun, he was really sweet, etc. Slept over but no sex. Then he texted me two days later, to chat, but it was like he was distracted-and he didn’t ask to hang out again, so I wasn’t quite sure what the point was. I texted him on Thursday and asked him directly after some small talk, to see if he did still want together again or what, and he said he did he’s just been really busy, (?) OK… We didn’t talk for the rest of the week. He called me on Saturday night around 2:30 am, left a message, saying he should have called me earlier and he’s embarrassed he’s calling me that late, but would I like to get together again that night or the next day or sometime that week… so I called him back on Sunday, left a message, no response. Monday afternoon he texted me, saying sorry he didn’t get back to me earlier, etc. We texted a bit. It was funny cause I was pissed and about to defriend him, but I said wait, give it a few days, and didn’t do my normal angry – see red – delete people thing.

It was a really flirtatious conversation, and then he called me on Friday around 8 to see what I was doing that night and if I wanted to get together. I said I’d meet up with him later, which ended up being around 11, and we went out until last call and then went back to his place and fooled around. Super cuddly, he kept talking about how we should date, etc.

I left the next morning and he wanted me to go back later, but with the premise of me dressing sexy and us hooking up, so basically I broomed him and didn’t go.

Nothing since.

I’m thinking with him it’s a pattern that he calls me day off, and when he’s got a few in him, but then he’s amazing when I am with him. So, IDK, maybe I’ll try it his way and see if it crosses over / communication picks up. He is moving on Saturday so I don’t know if I will hear from him this weekend or not, and he does keep telling me I met him at a weird time.

I think I will play it like there is nothing going on between us, and just take it as a nice surprise if I do hear from him. Which I should. I guess I will decide what I’ll do when I hear from him (if I do). If I don’t then I know what he was out for – and although he said he wanted a girlfriend, I’ll know that it’s not what he wanted from me.

So that’s what’s been up. Talk soon!