One of the things that helps me on my journey with Sky is that the type of relationship has been described a million times. And I don’t mean as a new guy who just drops out when it seemed so good… I mean after it’s been confirmed that things are mutual and they love you as much as you love them.
It’s called a soul connection.
And it’s probably the most amazing, most wonderful, most horrifying and ego-destroying experience I’ve ever been through.
Yesterday I spent all day reading articles on Soul Connections by Steve Gunn and Jean Green and now I’m reading content on Victoria Zaitz’s site. I ended purchasing a consultation with Steve Gunn and honestly, within ten minutes he tapped into some of the most extreme, worst pain I have had in my life. I used to feel it a lot in college, my senior year, and I would end up curled up in a ball literally crying and screaming from the sheer force of the emotional pain. Even writing about it now I still can’t quite comprehend how it was that bad, but it was. The only answer is it wasn’t actually about the event that triggered it, but that it chipped away and hit an oil reserve, but instead of oil it was buried pain.
Over the years I trained my brain into ways of “dealing with it”, but really maybe I was just pushing it further down. Things like, meditation, ancestral clearing, andara crystals, yoga, learning about buddhist ways of life, positive affirmations. But apparently it’s still there, because when I got close to someone and they rejected me in a completely careless way, all that raw pain and belief that I will never be loved by another person and will spend my life alone, like I’m some mistake of life and will never be happy, is right there again.
And everything I have worked for comes tumbling down, and nothing matters. And that’s kind of how I feel right now. It’s identifiable as depression, symptomatically that’s what it looks like — and oh yeah, I was on meds for that for a while, too.
But back to soul connections. While it’s placating to know that this type of relationship happens over and over again, that blows way past conventional relationships — the fact that I have to experience it and live through it remains the same. I honestly wouldn’t wish a soul connection on anyone, with the runner phase. Imagine having the greatest earthly love you’ve ever known, feeling blessed beyond belief, only to have it wrenched from your hands completely. No explanation. A completely cut-off, as if your part in their life meant absolutely nothing to them at all. Like one day they woke up and all their feelings for you had evaporated and they couldn’t remember why they thought they loved you in the first place. Except they knew that was odd, so they couldn’t tell you that and just left you, like someone breaking out of jail. Keeping everything normal until they saw their opportunity to run for the hills.
I have learned not to chase at all, as much as it kills me not to try. Part of me knows it doesn’t work with him — reaching out to try to get him to address what’s goin on with us. (which is apparently the case with all runners, after all if they were ready for a real, committed, honest relationship then they wouldn’t run, would they?)
And so I tried to run my life as usual but you can’t run from pain forever. I was hoping Sky would be back before I had to face the pain. The pain drowns me completely. I am only ever happy when my mind is completely busy, the second it has freedom is the second I return to… a vast emptiness, and a huge loneliness and longing for my other half.
Half of me hopes that he won’t come back this time, that I can heal and be free and just write it off as another completely failed attempt at love. Actually, one of the worst disasters I’ve had in a long time. But I know in a way he has to.
But a larger part of me wants that love, that warm feeling just having him in my life in any way envelops me in. Still. He has to heal himself in order for that to happen.
His issues are the same as mine in a way. He is a high-functioning, respected person in his community who can’t maintain a functioning emotional connection …and we both know we are not whole as individuals. The last I knew he wouldn’t talk about his ex-wife, and he is still angry at his mom for abandoning him, and these are the things that creep up and scare him from entering into a relationship with me. Or, with anyone, really.
My hope is we heal each other and then get to be together, because truly I love nobody more than I love him. I never have, and I doubt that I ever will at this point — but life has a way of surprising you, so maybe somebody amazing will come into my life and what we had will seem like a strange joke, a wrinkle in the blanket of my life that needed to be ironed out.
…so yeah, soul connections. I hope you are one of the lucky ones who just gets to meet the person, build a normal relationship and marry and live happily ever after (for the most part). Soul connections are not for the faint of heart.
It’s funny, my first lesson on how the Universe *truly* works — and you know how she will burn down a forest and then re-grow it? It’s like that. When you experience a soul connection, you won’t know what it is until you’re in the devastating part of it. You’re probably the stayer since the runner won’t Google anything about the relationship etc. But once you read about it … it makes sense. And you understand why your emotional life is being burned down. Because Universe saw some stuff going on she didn’t like, so she sent the fire to make you start new, stronger, better.