So, my dad was giving some merry speech about how he spent a lot of money on the new big table he purchased (well, he wasn’t talking about the money, but why he invested) and was saying how, in his family there was a big table that was kind of generational, and had many happy memories around it, with grandchildren and friends and big family etc etc and that’s what he wanted for his family.
Then he said you know if they’re adopted grandkids whatever, and I think my eyes popped and I said, wow — even you gave up on me already! My stepmom said no he didn’t, and then my dad apologized, but it’s the type of thing you can’t unsay.
So yep, apparently it’s starting to dawn on people that I’m almost 30 and have no boyfriend (right now), no prospects (right now), and sometimes it feels like i can’t go anywhere without being reminded of that fact.
The dating books all say to act as if you KNOW it’s going to happen, and enjoy the moments of your life with that certainty, and that will help attract the person to you — but there is a big fear in me that I will exist as I am today, forever. Single, not quite knowing why I wasn’t “picked” by life for The Big Relationship yet, wondering why my life has been as hard as it has and it seems like I’m just walking Job’s life (Well, not quite, even he got married O_o) as far as relationships anyway.
I could still be thankful that there are people in my life that care about me and my wellbeing, even if most of those people have the emotional development and intelligence of a 3 year old, that I have a roof over my head, a puppy who is literally just a little bouncy bundle of joy, a good, solid, dependable job that sent me to Switzerland and the UK this year, and beauty that attracts people, and a personality that people compliment me on. I have also grown into a much tidier person, and am healthier now than I have been in years with the gym and my nutrition.
Anyway, I’m struggling with the being single and (gulp) almost 30 thing a lot. And since most of my friends are in relationships. I should probably make better friendships with my old college roommates, although sometimes we don’t get along that well, at least me and one in particular.
I also heard someone say, on a podcast “I am nobody’s most important person” and how hard that was for her (40’s single) …. and that has been haunting me ever since.