A weekend with the family — and my dad mentioning my future adopted children.

So, my dad was giving some merry speech about how he spent a lot of money on the new big table he purchased (well, he wasn’t talking about the money, but why he invested) and was saying how, in his family there was a big table that was kind of generational, and had many happy memories around it, with grandchildren and friends and big family etc etc and that’s what he wanted for his family. 

Then he said you know if they’re adopted grandkids whatever, and I think my eyes popped and I said, wow — even you gave up on me already! My stepmom said no he didn’t, and then my dad apologized, but it’s the type of thing you can’t unsay.

So yep, apparently it’s starting to dawn on people that I’m almost 30 and have no boyfriend (right now), no prospects (right now), and sometimes it feels like i can’t go anywhere without being reminded of that fact.

The dating books all say to act as if you KNOW it’s going to happen, and enjoy the moments of your life with that certainty, and that will help attract the person to you — but there is a big fear in me that I will exist as I am today, forever. Single, not quite knowing why I wasn’t “picked” by life for The Big Relationship yet, wondering why my life has been as hard as it has and it seems like I’m just walking Job’s life (Well, not quite, even he got married O_o) as far as relationships anyway. 

I could still be thankful that there are people in my life that care about me and my wellbeing, even if most of those people have the emotional development and intelligence of a 3 year old, that I have a roof over my head, a puppy who is literally just a little bouncy bundle of joy, a good, solid, dependable job that sent me to Switzerland and the UK this year, and beauty that attracts people, and a personality that people compliment me on. I have also grown into a much tidier person, and am healthier now than I have been in years with the gym and my nutrition. 

Anyway, I’m struggling with the being single and (gulp) almost 30 thing a lot. And since most of my friends are in relationships. I should probably make better friendships with my old college roommates, although sometimes we don’t get along that well, at least me and one in particular. 

I also heard someone say, on a podcast “I am nobody’s most important person” and how hard that was for her (40’s single) …. and that has been haunting me ever since.

The dreaded holidays and singledom

Well ladies and gents unless you live under a rock you know that the holidays are creeping up quickly, and for those of us who are still single, it can be a drag. Especially the closer you are to no longer socially acceptable ages of being single. There are places that say I’m already past my dating prime, and I’m 29. Welp, might as well pack it in altogether and accept that I have a full life of just me and my dog and cat in it. …

Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, so how are we supposed to deal? Even my brother mentioned at his birthday the other day that him and his gf had a game night and they invited another two couples (and made a joke about how they are dating couples now) — and I said where was my invite (this was before he explained it was couples) — yep, I’m already in the “well, she’s solo..so, that’s awkward” arena. And with my friend’s birthday the other week, I didn’t go because I wasn’t feeling well, but it was the birthday girl, her husband, my friend, her husband, our other friend, her boyfriend… and, if I wasn’t sick, me. Yayyyy.

I know I’m supposed to stay positive and know he’s out there and act all gracious, but the truth is, I’m just not so sure these days. It’s hard to be when everyone is paired off (it seems) but you. I actually started fantasizing about how my true love is already married and now I’m waiting for him to get divorced, because, if I met someone early 30’s who hasn’t been married, I kind of think, okay, why haven’t you been married… since I heard that’s how people look at me. Or why haven’t you been in that serious relationship. I can’t even give some story about how I was with someone for a few years and we realized we weren’t right for each other. At least THAT would be acceptable.

Although it did occur to me that maybe the reason I am single is because I have always been a little bit of a girl who walks to the beat of her own drum, kind of main stream but mostly not, beautiful and chatty but also introspective and has seen some darker sides of life, which makes me very emotionally intelligent and kind of more than most people bargained for. Not simple, airhead, giggly girl without a care in the world.

And I never LOVED going out. I would do it, sure, but never felt at home. I always felt a bit out of place. 

So that’s why I’m 29, cruising around solo with no prospects to speak of right now. I went on a few dates recently, but no chemistry — completely take it or leave it (oh, you’re nice). I’m not trying to force myself to like anyone. 

Oh, the other part of it is .. my bro’s girlfriend is in our family christmas cards. Yep. She even joked that maybe she should wear a different color shirt instead of white in the christmas card since she’s not family, and my stepmom immediately interjected and tossed that idea. So it’s my brother who is all set (or so it would appear), me — almost 30, no big romance, not even a little one right now, and my sister, who goes after guys who are trash but ends up dating them for years at a time. I wonder as a parent what you would think of your almost-30, single, hasn’t had a long-term-relationship in years daughter who isn’t socially awkward in any real way. I have a good job, I used to model, I’m still in good physical shape, I’m training for a bikini fitness show. 

::shrug:: 

And of course, like you reading this I’m sure, there’s the “maybe there really isn’t someone for everyone” thought. But they don’t really tell you how life is supposed to be if you DO end up single. Like, what then?