I’m back.

I’ve been away for..more than a year!

I read that sometimes, writing doesn’t help us get through our problems because it causes us to over-focus. So, if you are an overanalyzer (like me), it can actually make you feel worse.

So I tried abstaining. And, here I am again. Did it work? Maybe. I don’t know if I felt better without it.  I’ve been spending a lot of time at a church I became a member of, but I recently stepped away from that.

As for Sky… what happened was this…

  1. Feb 2016. We still weren’t talking, his birthday passed. I messaged him, we talked all day, I ended up telling him how I really feel – that I think he’s the one – and he didn’t freak out (at least not then) – but we didn’t really move forward either. It did open up conversation, though.
  2. March 2016. He fades away by the end of the month.
  3. April 2016. My birthday month. He texted me first thing, but that was about it.
  4. May 2016. After several weeks of silence, we reconnect and GO ON VACATION TOGETHER. I thought it went well… but it was confusing in a way, since we weren’t together. We were very cuddly and kissy, but that’s about it…
  5. June 2016. Still talking regularly. But then it fades when I confront him about us moving forward and he basically says we are very different people and not to make any life changes based on him.
  6. July 2016. August 2016. September 2016. Nothing.
  7. October 2016. I finally message him because I’m at a he probably won’t answer but I am miserable stage. He answers, we reconnect, talk about us, he seems open to giving it another chance – at least by everything he’s saying. But then… he’s not talking to me as much, fades out.
  8. November. December. Nothing. Nope. Not even for the holidays.
  9. January 2017. Nothing.
  10. February 2017. He messages me! He has moved/relocated again. We talks and it drops off as usual.
  11. March 2017. I finally ask him why we aren’t talking. Which launches a huge discussion and — he finally says let’s try this for real! And asks me to dinner, as he happens to be coming home. But, he cancels the date, barely tells me why, and when I pick up conversation after the weekend he was home, he breaks things off with me over text.

And there we have it.

I didn’t get to the other side. I thought I was on my way there. But it honestly just didn’t work out. Didn’t even come close to working out.

At this point, I mean I honestly have to wonder the things that sometimes crossed my mind while we weren’t talking – like – if I had really meant that much to him, he would have fought for me. He wouldn’t have wanted to let me go.

The truth is, in those final text messages… he said he loves me, but not how I love him from the things I say.

Isn’t it bizarre though that I don’t even really believe at this point that he loves me. It’s more like, he loved me once. He loved me in the past. But when we look at the last… however many months, where is the love in that? He might has well said he doesn’t love me, and it would have fit more with his actions…

Clearly, in this case there is a woman loving a man, and hoping it will work out, but a man who is just luke warm – at best – about her. He’s not crazy about me. He no longer thinks I am the one, obviously, even if he once did.

And he didn’t care about me enough even to give me a goodbye/explanation on the telephone.

Do you know, after he told me that, I texted him once and he messaged back to say nothing I said indicates I don’t care about you. And I texted him again a bit later basically saying if he ever needed anything to give me a call as I’ve cared about him a lot over the years.

And he didn’t reply.

Isn’t that sad? Could it have ended up more one-sided? I just wasted, literally wasted, 2 and a half years of my life. And I found out that the one person who made me believe I had a fighting chance at finding love and happiness with someone .. well, he ended up changing his mind.

I guess sometimes, there is no fairytale. I held out hope against hope for a very long time that it could be different, that something could work out for me, that he was still the person I believed him to be and knew him as.

But he’s not.

He’s turned into this jerk of a man who goes completely incommunicado leaving a woman completely wondering what’s going on. And not after a handful of dates. After 17 years of knowing each other.

Who comes back in saying yes let’s do this, he even joked about what our kids would look like, and a week later flips the whole thing on its head.

And I’m suffering for it. I’ve suffered for it. I’ve paid for it with my time, my emotions. Probably with lost opportunities.

But so now what, right?

I honestly don’t know. I’m planning on moving, now. There is no reason for me to stay where I am. The place I’m moving to is, oddly enough, where he is at — or drivable from there – but he doesn’t know. Nor will I tell him. I guess I just needed a nudge to make it happen, or a “no fucks given” attitude. I didn’t want to make a major move if him and I were going to work it out, because then that’s TWO moves.

And, the place he ended up is actually somewhere I’ve said I’ve wanted to move to for about the past 5 years. When I told one of my long-time friends she actually mentioned that I’ve been wanting to do that forever.

It’s an odd place to be, where you realize your life has no “juice” left. Like, I’ve gotten everything I think I can get out of this area. Maybe there is a better life for me out there somewhere else.

My friends have slowly moved away, the ones in the area weren’t great friends… and I don’t really want to move to be closer to them, because I don’t want to stay in this area.