There’s a big hole in my life.

I wish I was writing today to say that things were back on track and the most amazing, loving man was in my life the way he has been. But, he is still very distant. He replied to the last text I sent yesterday evening around lunch time today, and I responded about 90 minutes later – and no response to that.

At least there’s something… but.

I’m a little at a loss. And obviously, I miss him.

I think back over the past.. 9 months and, the two times he has gone distant before. The times before, it was kind of like a slow build towards the silent times – well, at least last time it was. The first time, it was pretty dramatic – almost as if he welcomed any and all distractions from having to think about or address what was going on between us. Before he knew it, a month had gone by (where he was working a training thing for skydivers, some kind of intensive training) and as soon as it was over he got in touch. We talked it out then, (and, forgive me if I already wrote about this – but – as much as I want this blog to be a “me too!” type thing for others, it’s also for my own catharsis) and I didn’t handle it all that well – I was too happy to have him back and didn’t ask the tough questions and so on, I just wanted things back the way they were.

So, while he/we wanted to see each other, we didn’t make plans then — and two months passed. April wasn’t a great month, he was “weird” and was talkative but, he wasn’t present. And then, just as fast as he came on, he was gone again. It hurt more the second time, because I thought somehow our love was stronger since he had left me and come back. It made me question everything, and I just felt so sad for myself and also the time lost over what I thought was something he wasn’t even serious about. I didn’t try much this time to talk to him, since the time before it really didn’t make a difference. The one time I did try, he ignored me.

Through May I picked up the pieces and pulled myself back together. I went out on a date with another man (the guy was obsessed, it was a bit terrifying). And basically, I resolved to move on with my life – at least, I had given things a shot with someone I always deep down felt I should have been with anyway. I went out with another guy from my past, and that was okay – but I wasn’t attracted anymore. Just his way of being – it appealed to less mature me, but I have grown and want something real and lasting now. I also almost hung out with my most recent ex – as friends (from my side) – but then –

He poofed back into my life. This time, I already knew I was going to let him sweat a bit when he finally made contact. Turned out I didn’t even see his first attempt and he went into a bit of a panic – he ended up texting me twice (I thought the first text was the first contact, so I let it sit) – and facebook messaging. This time I made it clear we could talk it out on the phone, not on messenger. Again, he said he doesn’t know why he does this — which is what he said the first time — and yes, work does get very busy — and he had got some bad news about not being selected for a program he wanted to get into – but why he drops things, and treats me like that, of all people, he dislikes about himself. He expressed desire to change. But I think he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down – and when he’s muddled through whatever it is, he comes back.

The thing is, apparently his feelings for me have (surprisingly) been solid through all of this, according to him. I’m not entirely sure – sometimes I think, he mainly falls in love with me when I’m not around. But sometimes I guess that’s what it takes? Or he just really does get super distracted and feels like he doesn’t have time to sit and chat with me, or send me texts throughout the day – or whatever. And then he realizes a bunch of time passed, and then is kind of like well now what …

I mean what’s a lady to do? Here’s the man saying really, his feelings didn’t change and he wants to pick things up and is apologetic about how things happened – whom she loves back – but at the same time, she went through a hurtful experience.

And then he did it again. And when he came back the second time, things became amazing between them and they grew as a couple and she was blissfully happy. A little unsure of the future, but blissfully happy.

I can only wonder if this …2 months on, 1 month off process is going to continue indefinitely, or if it gets better? Is it really worth it, even if he is one of the best (if not the best) man I know? I’ve spent 16 years searching for someone who could equal him and love me too, and haven’t found it…

But I suppose at this point I really don’t know what my options are. All I do know is that, while I’m supposed to be going to a wedding with the man I love at the end of the month, that man is kind of nowhere to be found right now. There’s someone on the end of the line texting back to me sporadically, but the emotional warmth and closeness – gone. And given how all we really have are our today’s, and  people make plans all the time that don’t come to fruition … fill in the blank…– however, I can’t throw in the towel on this plan just yet. Picture me hanging out in the ocean with a life preserver. Just hanging out to see what happens, trying not to panic because there’s not much you can do.

And most of all, I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. I had a migraine and was a bit distant, sure. Maybe it wasn’t nice to experience. But you don’t shut down a relationship for that.

Of course – there is also the possibility that, the closer time got to him actually coming home and us seeing each other again, the more he thought about it and the more scared he got about us getting closer and taking that next step. Cold feet. I think he will recover – it’s a man thing – and I feel by now I have done my part to show him that I care and be supportive of how busy his work is and so on. I think I can safely give it some space — not too much — but start backing off. Creating space. Letting him come forward. Letting him miss me – enough to want to bring me into his life. But there’s that little voice that says, what about me? Why do I have to be the one that suffers here while he just does what he needs to do to get his emotions / head straight? It’s extremely difficult to stay open to someone who is unintentionally hurting you with their actions because they are overwhelmed or distracted or whatever. And then there is always the possibility that it’s really a very rude brush-off, thinking I will get the hint. Or someone else distracting him. Maybe several someone elses. But if that is true… then… I’m probably better off in the long run anyway.

I guess if we see each other in person then I can say to him something along the lines of how I have been trying to do what we said, and not let him drift away, but it requires a lot of me putting aside my own emotions for very little response from him. And maybe there’s a better way to go about it. I don’t know. I’m tired now, it’s late. And there’s a big hole in my life where he was filling up so much. It’s literally like I lost my best friend.

Is it him being distant? Or just aloof? & Positive Thoughts!

Just a morning update. I tend to write when my mind is chewing on something and I need to get it out and down somewhere. I really encourage trying this at least once to people who don’t, I think it can help get through things if you find anxiety is building up a bit.

I had mentioned in my last post how I texted him back with how I’m excited to see him soon, little nervous since it’s been a while but excited. Then, I wrote about how I deadlifted more than my body weight at the gym with my trainer (milestone for me!)

Sky wrote back something along the lines of atta girl, that’s some power

And I replied with a smiley face and some more details (like how I almost fell over backwards on the last rep).

I was miffed that he didn’t address coming home, clearly he was distracted (or being a male and completely missed the hint of, please say something along the lines of coming home so I know you are still coming!)

He also didn’t respond to the details of my funny day. I’m going with he’s having a bad day. I’m remembering what he said in the past about how he doesn’t respond when he’s in a bad mood etc. NOT the best way of handling things but… I’m going with the positive thoughts here..

Interestingly…three of my readers are targeting next week for a turnaround from him — so I can get through a week no problem right?? Right??

Hopefully, in two weeks from now or so I will have a blog post up about how things are wonderful and how we get our first pic up on social media 😉 Positive thoughts positive thoughts.

If he does what he has done in the past… he will explain it all (what’s been going on for him) once he is in a better place. On the plus side, we have a drip-drip-drop of communication going, instead of nothing. I am leaving it to him today, and maybe tomorrow, because I have lathered on the praise and support operating on the assumption he’s really busy and stressed and overwhelmed and it’s not me. He has told me in the past his job is the reason he has been single for two years, because of the hours of his main job and that he skydives on the weekends for demo’s or training for demo’s etc. I just wish he would freaking TELL me that. lol.

At the end of this little blip though, I will know if my actions can create a different outcome than previous disappearances on his behalf. Can’t wait to see how that turns out, actually. Bit of a scientist geek in me.

finally – the miss you too text!

I had an appt with my therapist today  — gotta tell you, if you find the right one they are SO helpful. Advice is way more on point than friends and it just helps you feel so much better. I caught her up on my life, and specifically with Sky, and she encouraged me to act out of love instead of fear, and tell him how I feel – short message – hey, thinking of you, miss you

So that’s what I sent. and I FINALLY got a sign of light at the end of this weird tunnel – finally he wrote miss you too (and more about how he’s busy today). So then I sent him another message about how I’m excited to see him soon, a little nervous since it’s been so long but excited. (that was my therapist’s initial advice).

I feel like half the weight was just lifted from my shoulders ::bliss::

Lesson? Sometimes you have to put your own emotions aside – especially if they are stopping you from taking action – and decide to act out of love despite your personal feelings and despite fear.

And relationships are give and take, but sometimes one person does a lot more of the giving and sometimes the other person does.

Credit for those thoughts mainly goes to my rockin therapist 😀

What if relationship stress is really just a test based on personal fear?

To update you on Sky – well, he did text me this morning (yay!) – more about, how he’s tired, and then what he did with at work that morning. We went back and forth a tiny bit – not much – but better than nothing. I told him I was proud of his work ethic or something like that (trying to be supportive) and said something about how it can’t be easy. Conversation dropped off after a bit.

Mid-afternoon I sent him a message to ask how his day was going, answer was something along the lines of still busy…

And nothing since.

Of course, a million thoughts have been going through my mind. Like, is the writing on the wall? Is he gently blowing me off? What on earth is going on with this upcoming wedding I’m supposedly going to? Is he even still coming back home? Is there someone else?

…all the typical insecure female thoughts.

And then: What am I going to DO about it all?

Options are: Try to talk to him. Some people would say the obvious thing is to call him but – I’m a wimp, and I’m scared, and I feel like if he can’t even really text or message, why would he want to talk on the phone. Plus, he has not answered and not called back before.

Or, not talk to him. Let him talk to me.

It seems like not talking to him would be the worst thing to do in this situation given the upcoming trip. I decided to not be invasive and be extra loving (though he doesn’t deserve it really right now). It’s the complete opposite of my normal thing.

As far as the wedding… my mindset is, normally if you have plans with a man and it hasn’t been confirmed really recently then you act like it’s not happening. But this is an event. And he asked what kind of food I wanted. And booked a hotel room for two nights.

Thus, I must act like it is happening – but – not go out of my way to prepare for it (no additional outfit, hair, accessory, or makeup related purchases) and, not be surprised if it doesn’t happen for whatever reason.

I do feel a little bit like a pushover, since normally I’d be all quiet and well, screw-you then attitude (not really, I’d be upset, but I’d be all I AM NOT TALKING FIRST!). And honestly… at times it really hurts. I’ve been crying on and off for the past few days, but today I feel my mindset has settled a bit. I ended up on this:

What if this right now, it’s all a test? 

To either show me how I can choose to handle things, when I don’t really know what’s going on. What if everything really is fine, and he really is just super busy and not a great communicator, and I’m not in his day-to-day musts so I fall off the agenda. That plus, what if this is military life as an officer? Retardedly long days for days on end sometimes.

And instead of considering that, I immediately jumped to the worst option – dooms day – and made my own life hard, when perhaps that was unnecessary? Sure, he could handle his affairs with me better (in my opinion) – but what if, a week from now, or two-ish weeks from now he’s back here and things are fine, and I made myself miserable mostly because of my own thoughts.

Just passing time until then I suppose… Positive thoughts. ❤

The male mind, is the female mind that’s a little bit autistic — Actualized.org talks male vs. female brains and so on

Hi all,

One of the things I have been doing to further my understanding of interpersonal relationships and more specifically romantic relationships is read and learn as much about the differences between men and women as possible. And I don’t mean the typical things, but the actual physical, biological differences in our brains and how that affects how we operate with the world.

I’ll provide more on this later – but I got an email from one of my favorite sites Actualized.org with a new video discussion (monologue?) about this specific topic. I’ve listened to half of it and am posting already because it’s great information to have, and helps serve to remind us that – if you are dealing with a cat, but treat it like it’s a dog because you are a dog, obviously some things are bound to not go as planned!

It’s long, so put it on play and go about doing something else (go for a jog/run/walk, do some work on your computer, etc)

About 45 minutes in he talks about autism research and how…since all brains start out as female brains before during gestation testosterone is shot into male development (which is mentioned earlier) – that the male mind is a female brain that is a little bit autistic compared to the female mind. Very interesting thought.

I.Hate.Social.Media. ::grumpy face::

Hello again world.

No update on sky. It’s like staring into the distance and seeing…nothing.

I am calling this post I hate social media because it can absolutely highlight where you stand in someone’s life.

He made an instagram over the weekend. You know how it pops up, your facebook friend made an instagram!

Well, we weren’t talking, so I didn’t click add – that would have been odd. He hadn’t done much with it. Had some followers. Followed some people.

Today, I checked again, and – he has added a lot more people, they have added him and – we still aren’t following each other.

Yep. That’s right. I have not been picked for the team.

So what does it all mean? I mean, if you can’t trust people not to change from one day to another… what does it even matter if someone says I love you.

I am still absolutely in a mini-panic about him supposedly coming home and this supposed wedding.

I have never dated someone so back and forth in all my life. He certainly takes the cake on that one. I really do not know if I am strong enough.

I talked to Lidia tonight. We will find out in just a few weeks if what she says is true or not… Lord help me.

DTR = Defining The Relationship

There comes a time in every “new” couple’s relationship where one person wants to know what things are. Where is it headed??? Is it a thing? Are we on the same page?

But, as all females know, bringing this up too soon can be the kiss of death in a relationship. Here are the only two guidelines you need. Ask yourself WHY you want to know. Then examine the meaning behind those answers. If fear, or insecurity, is behind any of it — well —

Don’t bring it up out of fear. Don’t bring it up out of insecurity. If those two reasons are driving your need to know, then don’t ask.

The time you should bring it up, is when you think you already know the answer, and its an answer you like.

In my case with Sky, I have been wondering, but given the distance it’s a bit funky. A lot has happened since we last saw each other, and both times we have seen each other since this whole thing started, Sky has found reason to freak out (although silly reasons in my opinion). Yet, we say our I love yous, and our I miss yous, and have cute pet names, and talk daily, and basically act like gf/bf.

Today, it came up in conversation. Text conversation, and normally I refuse to talk about anything serious over text since inflection is lost and things can be taken the wrong way. But I didn’t want to wait and bring it up on the phone, so I just went there. Basically, he read something I wrote backwards (to read, I said something like my boyfriend’s friend, when I really wrote my friend’s boyfriend) and he pointed that out – so I responded with something cute and coy and kind of indirect, but direct enough, that said if anyone were to have that spot it would be someone who –and I proceeded to describe him and our relationship.

He said, valid argument. So I pressed a bit to ask if that meant I should say I have a boyfriend when it comes up, or if we were still figuring that out?? (Notice how I put in the second option, to balance out the “ask” and still have it be positive)

He responded with something good 🙂 It was what I kind of thought, that: we get it right when we see each other, but he has tossed gf in when talking about me, but we should make sure we together hold together before such things are kept solid

I was happy to hear he has used the term! I haven’t, although hoped for it, and told him I was happy to hear it and that we are on the same page as far as knowing we have to see each other again and also in what we hope it will be.

It’s funny…looking back over the past..however many months. Though we have had highs and some serious lows where we haven’t spoken at all, we keep trending up over time. I like it. 🙂

One of the takeaways: If someone isn’t speaking to you, it definitely doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of you. Sometimes, men (or women!) need time to clear their heads, space from a situation to see it and really figure out how they feel. Giving that space can be difficult as a woman (SO difficult), but if/when he returns *you know its real* if you didn’t have to chase him to get him to come back. There is no convincing in love. People should show up of their own accord, not out of obligation or guilt or manipulation. And Sky knew, both times he has gone silent for a while, that what he did/was doing was sucky. I didn’t have to yell at him when he returned. I did express that it was really hard and really sucked, but I also knew he had likely already beaten himself up about it so I didn’t need to. However, I was still honest about my experience.