Dealing with (the idea of) Deployment

Well tonight it’s a Saturday night and I’m at home relaxing, and I fucking love it. Haha, late 20’s here we go. Reason being? My man is in the Coast Guard Reserves. He has drill this weekend. So he’s riding around on a boat and doing whatever else they do, and I get me time! And while I miss him (heck, at this point I miss him less than half an hour after he leaves sometimes), I’m kind of glad for the self-time.

I have to say, the more we talk/the more we get closer, the more I am impressed with him and his mind. Just who he is as a person. Like, absolutely want him in my life. And I feel so lucky he feels the same way. I’m trying not to fall for this guy too fast but, it’s hard. It’s like, everything about him pulls at me.

Anyway, so he’s the first guy with a military affiliation I’ve dated. And, reserves is almost a little deceptive, because he it’s like normal life, then all of a sudden, “So hey I might get deployed to (name a place)..but I’m not sure, so, that’s all I know for now.”

Oh. OH. So, you might be ripped from my life for a certain amount of time?

And all of a sudden, I’m being very selfish. These military men, they are serving a bigger purpose. Helping the country to function. For the greater good, of everyone who is a part of the country.

And when he tells me these things, all I can think is, I’d rather have you stay here with me because I just want to carry on BEING with him and doing the young love thing where it’s all heady and euphoric.

So, one of the things that makes me admire him as a person, is quickly becoming one of the things that makes me pout. Until I remember to “woman up” and be proud of the guy who is out there doing this stuff.

When we first started dating, the potential deployment date was end of May. So that deployment is (most likely) not happening, BUT he might be switching stations and if he switches, that new station is deploying to ..somewhere out of the country. BUT he’ll be the new kid on the block, so he might not be sent.

Which all makes me juggle the “would we stay together” question, so finally last night I just asked him flat out. We’ve addressed it by dancing around it conversationally, but never explicitly said, yes, I want to stay together. I mean, the deployment would be longer than we would have been dating, most likely.

Turns out, BEFORE, as in, if he was deploying at the end of this month, he would have said I don’t blame you if you want to hit pause on this thing, and see other people while I’m gone, and maybe pick back up when I return.

..but now, it’s different. He said he definitely would want to stay together, which made me feel more sure about things.

But then I had my own thoughts, as in, can I really do this, I would miss him so much, what if we can’t really talk, he’s becoming my best friend in the whole world and then he’d be away so I’d never trade that to “see what else is out there” – I would stay. But it would be hard. And I think I might die a little inside temporarily. But we talked and I was honest about my reservations, and he said the one thing is you can’t go into it thinking, well we will see how this goes, because sending someone away with that on their mind is the last thing they need.

I didn’t say anything, but even if you were 100% committed, and then things changed, …well, nothing in life is guaranteed. That said, I know tons of people who have done it. And if you can’t be true to someone, then how are you going to be married to them? And if you’re not going to even consider marrying them, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. I think if it happened it would be a good test. To see how committed we both are, or more how committed I am, because I guess there’s not that much temptation while you’re deployed (assuming you don’t want a military girl, which he says he has no interest in… ha, we will see)

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and we’re going to a baseball game, and then … he might meet my family. 🙂 🙂 🙂 IF everyone wants to get dinner afterwards… if not, then me and him will just have Sunday night date night.

Boston Marathon Bombing… Tragedy and New Relationships

Hey readers.

So, first off, I know it might sound cheap to tie in the Boston bombings with a dating blog. But I promise you, there’s a lot of meat to take out of this post if you’re willing to read it all. This is all very real to me. I live in one of the original towns that was shut down before the mayor locked down the whole city. We were told not to leave our houses.

[Friday, April 19th, 2013 — A Rude Awakening]

6:00 AM. I’m not even awake yet. My phone text message sound goes off. Then it goes off again. “Stay inside!!” “OMG are you okay?!?!”   …. What.  The. Fuck.

I turn on the news. I see there’s a shoot out, one of the bombers is dead along with a police officer, and he’s at large in the town next door 8 minutes away from my house. I wake up my roommate. We start freaking out. Seriously? 8 minutes away. My place of work shuts down, they tell us to work from home, etc.

And I’m watching the police and SWAT and FBI set up camp at a place I go to regularly, at an intersection I’m at several times a month, and used to be at daily. I’m seeing the pictures on Twitter and Facebook of police with big guns searching for the at-large man.

A song from a childhood TV show goes through my head:

It’s a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood, a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood…won’t you be my neighbor?

I realize how inappropriate this is, and I can’t believe that’s how my mind decides to process what’s going on.

Not knowing what else to do, my roommate and I ended up going to work cleaning the place because, what else are we going to do?

And so I’m watching / obsessed with all the coverage…I mean, I’m listening to scanners (until they were shut down online), I’m watching reddit.com, I’m watching the news, I’m searching Twitter.

[Damsel in Distress]

I call the new man. He wasn’t up yet, and after hearing everything he goes “aww my poor damsel in distress” -but not in a mocking way. It was sweet. Later that day, he would tell me his dad suggested to him he get his gun and come be with me for the day. My personal hero.

And that’s the millionth time this week he’s been there for me. 

[What Happened This Past Sunday/The Awesomeness of Having an Alcoholic Mother]

If you read my last post, you know that on Sunday night, I got a call from my mom around 10:30 at night of her telling me she got pulled over for …whatever reason and failed the field sobriety test. I live in Massachusetts, and she already has 2-3 DUIs.

She also refused the breathalyzer. Which is about 5 years, most likely, loss of license; and also they will be trying to throw her in jail.

It’s my own mother. You only get one, and here she is possible facing jail time. It’s crushing. It’s not like she hasn’t “sobered up” more times than I can count, she just doesn’t STAY sober. 

Now, my family is an immigrant family, and I’m the oldest child. My parents are divorced, which means most of this falls on me. And let me tell you, that is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. A few years after college I tried to distance myself, but unless she as a boyfriend at the time there is nobody else to answer the calls, go to the hospitals, and basically clean up the mess she makes of her own life. (My little sister who is 7 years younger than me trie to help this time, so that was nice to have someone else on my team–but my brother, who is 2.5 years younger, always gets very angry and disappears.)

If you have ever been close to an alcoholic, you know it takes over your life when you are trying to fix theirs. 

Anyway. With the help of my therapist I managed to stay relatively uninvolved this time…so far, but it was really hard to sit and do nothing. Instead of trying to fix everything, this time I tried the concept of tough love.

And let me tell you, the new man… was amazing. He listened to me for hours on the phone, gave his own thoughts on things, and I actually found his thoughts unoffensive and caring and they added insight. In the past, when I’ve chosen to talk about my mom, a guy’s response will usually create a distance between us because I will sense that he doesn’t get it, or what the guy is saying will make me feel more alone, and not supported. Above all, I could tell my the things this man was saying and how supportive he was that he cares about me.

Actually, it was his birthday on Monday — yes, the same day the Boston Marathon bombing happened; and in the midst of the onslaught of people telling him happy birthday and his family calls / concerns about the bombing — still, he wanted to know how I was doing with what was going on with my mom. He put me first. Because he knew, my mom’s drama, and then the very next day a city-stopping terrorism act, is a lot for a girl to handle.

I have never felt so loved or cared for by someone not in my family, in my life.

At the end of the day, in regard to the marathon bombings, he said to me

I’m glad I had you to talk to. 

My heart melted.

And both of these types of events — a family member facing jail, and a terrorist act a little too close for comfort — can be “now or never” events for new relationships. They can either bring you closer, or highlight how not-close you are, and potentially push things apart because you find out, it’s not quite what it *should* be. And in this case, for the first time, I’m on the same page as someone..I have someone to talk to. I don’t feel judged, and I feel accepted. I have a “person” (Grey’s Anatomy reference). And he is emotionally intelligent enough to handle how complex my life can be with my mom, and I care for him as much as he seems to care for me.

I mean, this is someone who has qualities I want on my team. You know? You’re just like, yeah, you — you would be good to have around.

With the distance between us, even though I was not sleeping well because of what happened with my mom, the man and me weren’t planning on seeing each other til yesterday night (Friday night) anyway. Thank God we were, because, I just needed to touch him after all that. To be sure of him. You know? So, around 4 PM both my roommate and I were going completely stir-crazy, and there were a lot more cars around than earlier in the day, so she decides to go do her thing and I decide to leave early to go see my man…meaning, technically I left my house before it was OK.

About 30 mins later they lifted the lock-down, so it worked out OK (And no, I wasn’t in Watertown, or I wouldn’t have even tried it).

[Away from the City]

I get down to his place, and it’s like I’m on vacation. He lives very close to a wildlife reserve close to the cape, so it’s completely different than out here. And he has steaks going on the grill, potatoes boiling, spinach and broccoli sautee-ing, and salads started. We say our hellos and he offers me a glass of wine.

It just felt like, life came back together.

And then, before we sit down to eat, I see on his TV that they apprehended the still-living bomber. All was right with world once again, if only for a night.

So, about 90 mins after he leaves me side, the drama with my mom happens, and then the Marathon bombings; and then within 45 minutes after we get back together, they capture the bomber. … just saying.

During dinner, he happens to tell me he hasn’t made a steak dinner for a girl in a VERY long time. So that made me feel extra special. It’s things like that. He just knows how to make me feel special, I guess.

After dinner, we went to relax in his hot tub, which is beautiful and in-ground just higher than the pool. Of course, that’s not the only thing we did in the hot tub.

[The Inappropriate Part]

Reverting to my normal, slightly inappropriate self: Normally I don’t love hot tub sex. I’ve only done it a handful of times, but the motion of the water totally detracts from the motions of your bodies, but at the same time it’s such a sexy situation you can’t really turn it down. So I’m thinking, this will be fun, but kinda eh-sex-wise.

Boy, was I wrong. I don’t know how we worked it all out so that it ended up being, this much pleasure feels like I’m on drugs… and we both have some battle wounds to show for it.

[They Always Come Out of the Woodwork]

After, we were just sitting together in the warm, bubbling water talking, and the talk is just so natural. We’re talking about our “stalkers” as we call them — because it seems that events like a terrorist bombing will push anyone out of the woodwork who cares about you, even if it’s in a twisted way. 

In my case, it was a guy I’ve been hooking up with for years, who really I always thought we should date but he is veryyy commitment phobic, and last time things got a little too relationship-y and he dropped off the face of the earth from just after Valentine’s Day to yesterday. He actually said I should go over because there was strength in numbers. “Um, no.” “I was kidding.” OK…. and then a 2 am text saying I still can’t believe this shit.

In my man’s case, it was a girl he was sort of involved with before me, and had to break it off with because he just wasn’t into it, and she really was. Even told him it was OK if it wasn’t going to be anything, and a few weeks later he still broke it off because he felt bad about what was going on. This was a few months ago. Go figure. (Ladies, why do we undercut our own value like that?) She texted him today to ask if his family was OK. ??? Which he saw through in all of .5 seconds.

Him and I were talking about how nice it is to connect with each other on so many levels, and I said it is moving kind of fast but at the same time, I don’t mind it with him. It’s like a slow-fast, I don’t know if that makes sense.

Oh. OH. I forgot to mention: Thursday night on the phone the Meet the Parents thing came up. Yes, let me just recap THAT one for you…

[Let’s Play Meet the Parents!]

He is going to Maine with his fam for a week in September, right before a wedding (the one he invited me to after I invited him to one)…only this time, he asked me if I wanted to go with them for the week.

Gulp. 

So I end up asking if I would be meeting them sometime before this Maine event so it wouldn’t be a, meet-the-family-for-the-first-time-for-a-whole-week-on-an-island, type deal.

He said he would like me to meet them, def, but no rush – they live close to him, so whenever I feel ready.

So now, we started getting together on the 29th of March. Which means it hasn’t even been a month, but we’re already talking families.

Sometimes, it just feels right, I guess. Although it seems fast, we’re both on the same page – and I guess that’s what makes it right. I don’t feel that sense of rushing things, either. It doesn’t feel like I’m jumping in the deep end. More like, when you go scuba diving — if you’re a beginner they walk you in from the shore, and you stay on the ground of the sea and suddenly they’re telling you to go back up, and you look up and realize you’re 40 feet under water. That’s how it is with this guy. Things got deep, fast. And I didn’t even notice.

[Making Love]

Back to hot tub … so we’re talking about how well things are working between us, and he’s saying he likes how we don’t HAVE to talk about us at all, it just works and we are just enjoying ourselves.  I agree with him. It just works. And how we’re both kind of impressed by how strong the physical attraction is.

For me, it’s not just like I want him, I just, like..need him. Physically. Ha. He has said more than once I make him feel like a 21 year old again.

So we start at it again… and this time it’s slow and sensual and the type of tender, emotionally-close sex that only comes after resolving a big fight or …. bonding and coming closer over national tragedies and showing someone the skeletons in your closet and having them accept you and still choose to stand by you, anyway. The kind that feels like making love.

[In Conclusion…]

310703_535246176547093_1348722104_nSo after all of this…all being, the bombings, and mentally wrestling with the idea of my mom potentially going to jail, and him being so amazingly supportive and caring… what it brought me to conclude is really what we all hear every now and then — to make the most of every day. You just don’t know how long you have, and yet we all fall into this belief that we can do whatever we want for however long we want, and we will be able to see the people we love whenever we feel like it assuming they aren’t suffering a physical health issue.

And yet. 

We just can’t keep forgetting that we really don’t know if we have tomorrow or not. Now, I don’t think anyone should live in fear … but, life really is about finding people that will be a part of your inner circle… you know what I mean, the people that make your life *worth* it. And then making sure they know that, and planning fun things that make you happy but ALSO enjoying all the small things that put a smile on your face, and trying to cram as many of those into a single day as you can (while still living responsibly, of course).

…which I guess is kind of why I started this blog. Because, until you have it, it feels like something is missing. At least it did for me. You don’t know quite WHAT is missing, but something feels…shallow. Like, not a complete existence. Don’t beat me up for saying that, I promise you I tried to make my life as full and complete as possible without a man. But I guess what I’m saying is, without love — the real, consuming, my life is all shimmery now, type of love, it feels like you’re just wading around in the kiddy pool killing time while there’s an Olympic pool full of life right next door, but you’re just not invited.

And yes, finding the right person is so difficult in some ways. Personally, I’ve definitely thought more than once about giving up on dating altogether. 

And yet.

Something always kept me fighting to find it. To find what I have with him, this man. Right now, it only exists in moments, but I am so thankful for what we have shared so far… it reminds you, of what you’re looking for. Why you try.

So my readers…if you haven’t found it yet… if you aren’t totally happy… you will, and you can be. It’s so hard to hear and believe when you’re not there, and I get that. But don’t give up. Don’t give up on giving yourself the chance to be amazed by what’s happening in your own life.

Who knows, it may not work out with this guy — I’m not a fortune teller — so maybe I’ll be back to my usual stories in a few months (I hope not!! :o) ) but this. This. THIS is what the crazy dating journey is all about.

“Don’t Touch My Love Handles” “I Like Them” “That Makes One of Us”

Image

My blogtitle/conversation sound familiar, anyone? Now, as a disclaimer, I’m in fairly good shape, but I have a spoon shape aka figure 8 aka high hips body type so the top of my hips is my “troublespot”. 

So the recent exchange made me laugh, because it’s the type of thing you only say when, one, you’re comfortable enough with someone to make fun of yourself, and two, he’s obsessed with your body anyway. And by the way, his response to that makes one of us was, “oh stop”.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me provide you with an update on my life.

The last post was 10 days ago. Obviously, I was nervous about spending so much time with this guy (hockey tournament=weekend away). But, I saw my therapist (who is amazing) and she when I was telling her I didn’t know if I wanted to, and I was nervous, and didn’t how how I felt, and she’s all saying we should be exclusive if we’re doing weekends in hotels, and I’m like I don’t know if I’m ready for that, and she goes: “That’s a bold-faced lie. You’re totally smitten.” 

And I was like…Oh. WELL then.

So then I just let go of my little hang-ups and got excited. And I actually struggled through an awkward conversation with the man about why I had responded kind of weirdly to his invite for Saturday (it was a, “yeah maybe”  “if you have other plans or want to do something else with your friends its cool”  “no it’s not that… i’ll just…think about it” ) which went into a semi-long convoluted thing about why weekends away with men I’ve dated are not (well, have not been) a source of happiness.

Recap: 

  • Weekends away with the cage fighter ended with him not talking to me on a silent, long car ride home.
  • Weekend away with a summer fling last year started with him ignoring me the week up to it, and part of the weekend, and me getting drunk enough to flip out at him for it –and by flipping out I mean pouring a beer on his head and trying to storm off and get my friends to pick me up, but the problem with that was we were on a small island on Lake Winni and ..there are no roads for me to storm off to. So, I gave up fighting the woods and had to walk back and sort of patch things up, apologize for the beer dumping but not for what caused it (his actions) and things basically didn’t work out after that. Although he did ask to see me once more, things were great, and then he didn’t talk to me for two months more until his birthday. OK.

Anyway.

The man was totally cool and understanding about everything relating to why I was weird about the weekend intially. I agree to the weekend.

During the week we are talking til like 12, 1 am regularly by this point on the phone. He lives about an hour and a half away, so the phone talking is necessary.

About “The Talk” I was supposed to have, I was going to. Really, I was, ….but over the phone seems weird. And we were going to try for dinner but then scheduling didn’t work out. I mean, Wednesdays are weird… 😉 (<—funny excuse commercial, watch it if you have time).

[The Weekend Begins]

So Friday rolls around, and let me tell you this guy thinks of EVERYTHING. First, he says he can put his dog’s cage in his SUV for my puppy, but for me to bring blankets since he doesn’t have any for her. Then, he texts me the address of the rink complete with a link to the google maps directions

WHAT? …Way before I even had a chance to ask. 

I drive up, am greeted by him, then five seconds later a whole room full of hockey players, with a sprinkling (read: two other) of women. The manager greets me by saying, “Hi, I’m so and so, I’m a scorpio, I like long walks on the beach, and you can sit with me” and they all laugh and I blush and am like…. oh boy.

…what did I agree to. But, my boy was cool, we just sat with one of his good friends who’s gf was also coming down, so from there it wasn’t too bad.

Then we go back to the room, grab some things, and go out with some of his teammates. It was a fun night. He doesn’t like to dance, though. And I do, so at one point I said, you know, you can’t date me forever and not dance with me sometimes, and he said, I know. But, nobody else was dancing, so I understand why he didn’t want to. LOL.

A little bar hopping, a little socializing, and then we end up back and the hotel. 

Now, we haven’t gone there yet (there being…there..being, heyoooo), so this is a little bit of pressure being a hotel and all, and… one thing leads to another. I was a little nervous about how it would be considering he’s the one that said we shouldn’t the first time we got together. (This is now date four.) And a girl’s gotta wonder, what red-blooded American male says no?  Even if he said, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we should wait, but for all the right reasons.”

Back to the hotel room: things happen, and I’m happy to find out that he’s still the best guy at going down town I’ve ever encountered (like, where the heck did he learn all that) and that his other skills are on par. Good. I can work with this, I think. (Sorry, bad sex would be a big stumbling block for me…and then maybe a deal breaker if it didn’t improve.)

Then we almost have sex the next morning before game 2 of the hockey tournament. They played like crap, but won. So, we have sex after the tournament instead (ha, ha) and…wow. wow. wow.

It was funny though, because during our second hookup session, housekeeping knocked not once, but twice; reception called not one, not twice, but three times (and I answered the first two times)… so, yeah a bunch of interruptions.

But back to round two. This kid has details down that I did not know about. He’s all telling me, put this leg straight and move this one here. And I’m like, sure. And then a few seconds later…oooooh my god. 

Second game of the day they win (yay) which means they are heading to the finals, so we decide to stay for saturday night too, since the game is early the next day.

We were out really late Saturday night, well no, actually we weren’t, but i froze my butt off Saturday night since they like to sit and drink around a campfire, which at first was cool but by 9 pm with a low of like 30’s I was unhappy with. So no nookie for him that night, haha, cause we were both exhausted and I was basically falling asleep at the fire anyway. 

Sunday: The finals game is super close but they lose. He played really well, and so did one other guy, but everyone else was sloppy. Coach is pissed because they should have won. We all hang out for a bit and then head home, he comes back to my place to spend the day with me.

We end up spending all of Sunday in bed. Hahahahaha. Like, sex, nap, sex, nap, dinner. 

[The Talk]

And, before dinner, and after stumbling with how to bring it up for a good half of the day, I blurt out, Are you seeing or talking to anyone else? And he goes, no. 

PAUUUSEEEEEE

“Ok, well now that we’re sleeping together, I’d prefer that we keep it that way…”

“Yeah I feel you. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not seeing anyone else either”

well, oh, OKay then lol glad to know you weren’t worried.

“Plus I wanna see where things go with us you know?

“Yeah I feel you”

Pause.

“So, just so we’re clear, that means taking down Match.”

(He laughs). “I haven’t been on recently anyway.”

“Good.”

(so we’re laying in bed, he’s spooning me, and starts running his hands over my hips and kind of playing with the little love handles I have, which is where us girls are all soft – and if you don’t have love handles GFY 🙂 )

“Don’t touch my love handles!!” (I laugh)

“I like them!”

“Well that makes ONE of us”

“Oh stop” 

🙂

And then we go out for sushi.

….and after the most blissful weekend I’ve had in a long time, the phone rings at 10:30 pm.

“It’s your mom. I’m in jail. I’ve been pulled over because my headlights weren’t out. I had a drink with lunch. I failed the field sobriety test and I refused the breathalyzer. I have the bail money in my account, but I can’t get to it. Do you know anyone who has $5,000 they can get to for bail?”

 

The Orange Juicer / Guys Mental Commitment Timelines… so weird.

alright……

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Saw the most recent interest this weekend… but, again, not in the way I wanted. He went out with his friends, said he’d be free later, and asks me to pick up him from the bar, we go back to his place, basically have a sex marathon, annnnd cuddle and sleep.  Ok when I say sex marathon, I mean:

  • bedroom
  • living room bending me over the couch
  • bedroom again
  • bathroom with me up on the counter. So. Fucking. Hot. I swear I fell in love and started panicking. Cause he was doing the eye-contact fucking thing, which, eye contact while having sex for extended periods of time is hypnotizing. All of a sudden I was like, fuck, I’m falling in love with this kid already. It got WAY to intense.  But, I’m not falling in love, it was just the sex got REALLY intimate. Then he wanted to cum inside me, but again that’s like, kind of serious for me, so I said no.
  • …and again in the morning.

For some wacky reason I decide that while I’m giving him head is a good time to ask him what the deal is about him not ever talking to me. (Ok, I was three martinis deep. Which, I had gotten by going out for drinks with another guy. I know, seems a little fucked up, but, drunken decisions aren’t the brightest ones). He basically said he doesn’t like texting, so I said, then just call me, and he said OK. Etc. So, supposedly he is going to start calling me… when we parted ways, I said call me this week and he said he would.

Ok, so after we woke up we did go out to brunch, actually the place was really good, and he starts talking about marriage.

This is where the line gets so friggin blurry with this kid. Ok, so, it seems like just sex, even tho he said no, the door is open for more (but, actions not words) …and then this morning for example he’s typing in his computer password and he says outloud “I love (my name)” and of course I just laugh.

But we’re at breakfast, and he brings up marriage. As a topic. Which leads to him saying that he is at the beginning of everyone getting married and that I must be right in the thick of it (I’m 2 years older) and he jokingly says, well, you should just get married then. So I look down and smile, look back up and say “yeah…about that….” and laugh in a, “not happening anytime soon” way.

And that goes in to him talking about how some of his friends have girlfriends they are marrying or will marry but his friends still cheat on all the time, and he thinks it’s ridiculous (I agreed). Then he was talking about how he is always the single guy, so he’s feeling pressure from his family, etc, because now at events he’s like, the only one without a significant other. And he is talking about how his mom jokes that he will be 42 and marry a 28 year old divorcee, then says she’s been right about everything so far, but it’s just a joke (etc).  And then it’s how he’s been picky with women but in a good way, not wanting to hold on to a girl because he didn’t want to hurt her, but ultimately cause he knew she wasn’t the right one. And how he feels like when he does get married, he will fully commit and not be tempted by things.

And I’m sitting there, like, OK, so how do I fit into this picture. But you all know me (if you don’t I’ll tell you anyway,) I may use this blog to get all the crazy overanalyzing chick thoughts out, but in person I’m cool as a freaking cucumber. Like, couldn’t have played it out better.

So to test the waters, I said, “so is this weird for you…?” meaning breakfast. Us hanging out. And he said “this? no, I havent taken you to a wedding yet” (laughing).  Ok, he said yet. Interesting. May mean nothing, may be a good thing. But I continue:

“I’m in not rush for that stuff, granted, guys have a lot longer to figure it out than women do, and yeah I want a family one day, but I’d rather just find the guy when I find him and not rush stuff and have it be the right guy, than be pushing because I want kids someday.”

Hmm what else… so, he DID ask who I went out with last night before I met up with him. “friends”  then I said, “well, *a* friend.”

And then he dug a little… “oh? like a hot date type friend?”

and I was getting dressed at the time, so I kind of laughed (like fuck how did he know) but just answered “it was my friend (so and so’s) cousin” without actually saying the person was male or female. He probably knew I was being dicey but, what am I going to say?

Yeah I went out with a guy last night, we’re not exclusive as far as I know, what of it? Are you asking cause you want to be exclusive?

I felt like he would have been pissed. I think he expects loyalty, even though he isn’t putting anything on the table.

Also at brunch he was like, talking about cooking again so I ask when I’m going to get to see it, and he’s like “soon, definitely soon” or something. Ok, so he might cook for me.

And when I picked him up, before I agreed to it, I said on one condition (and he said, yeah?) and I said: you bring me with you next time, and he agreed. We will see.

And we talked about the movies, and he is going away next weekend so he said the weekend after that. So I said, if you don’t wanna see it just tell me, and he’s like, no i do, etc etc. OKay.

OK, sidenote: He brought up fresh squeezed orange juice and how they had a juicer as a kid etc, and he wants one really bad. But, apparently not until he’s married, because I offered to get one for his birthday, and he like freaked out and was like, “I’m not ready for that.” I just said, it’s just a juicer… cause to me, like, live it up if you want a juicer get one lol.

But he apparently has his little plan and a juicer comes in after he gets married. He actually talked about it as something that he’d put on his registry. I laughed and said, you already knew what’s going on your registry? LOL.

He also told me he thought I’d fit right in on some website named after an onion (but not the onion) where girls upload pics of themselves scantily clad etc. And then he immediately said, not that I want you doing that.  He’s just so all over the place. Can’t make heads or tails of him.

But yeah. IDK. I did like him a lot initially, and now I’m just like…. well, sex doesn’t matter to me, I mean it’s fun and great to have good sex. But that doesn’t really make a guy stand out in my mind. I had fun talking at brunch etc except, it just sounded a bunch like a guy who might be emotionally unavailable. Or, he’s evaluating me as someone to fill that slot in his life. Either way, I’m tired of not getting what I want. It’s all sex, and we’ve been out a few times, but I guess I’m tired of doing the heavy lifting myself. Like, if this guy doesn’t call me, I’m never talking to him again. Unless he talks to me first. I’m just done!

The other guy I went out with, is like all about me. He’s like its awesome that youre beautiful and intelligent, and he texted me today to be like between the espresso and being excited about you i didn’t get much sleep last night, next time let’s do sangrias, I had fun. And he has this awesome job trading oil securities, but, IDK, he’s kind of short. Some guys are short and I find really attractive, but he’s only semi attractive and short. So IDK. We will see.