You either value me, or you’re out.

Gahh. Still no more communication from Sky :/ . Ha. It’s hard, the first few days, but I am pushing forward. I mean honestly, who wants to spend their time chatting to/send nudey pics and videos to a guy who puts in ZERO effort? No. I’m worth so much more. You either value me, or you’re out.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him, though. I wish I didn’t. I don’t even know why I do, he was being kind of a jerk the last few days. Or not even kind of. He was just plain old, being a jerk.

And a thought occurred to me, that it must not be the same for him — feelings wise. Or, he’d want to talk. So, here goes ..letting it go. Again. Although this time, I am not going to reach out. If he’s not going to put any effort it, or even really signal that he wants this, then… I am only leading myself on by talking to him.

On the same token, I’ve re-downloaded Tinder and am talking to some people. I am going to force myself to get back out there, and be treated nicely. Just cause a guy “slips” and says we have our whole lives to figure something out, doesn’t mean he’s acting on it right now, which means…why does it matter? He clearly thinks/knows/believes we will be in each other’s lives for a while, so – if that’s the case – he can show me he wants me in his life. I feel as if I’ve already done that.

I didn’t go out with my Trophy Husband as I was upset about Sky, and annoyed at the whole situation. Plus, Trophy Husband didn’t “let me know” about Saturday like he said he would — instead what I got was, “So what are you thinking for tomorrow?” (on sat, about Sunday) so I told him I made plans to work since I didn’t hear from him, but there’s always this weekend – to which he said, oh no big deal was just looking forward to seeing you/I thought we had plans.

Welp. I guess let’s see how long he lets it go for — but I have to not care. Not count. Even though I most certainly will count… it’s just that, maybe it’s better for us to not talk — or at least, better for me, since he doesn’t seem to want to even try to move it forward, we can’t spend time together, and all us talking is doing is keeping me attached.

Funny thing is, things have been happening exactly the way Skarlet said. First, she said I would message him – and I did. Then, she said it would be more friendly and maybe not talking every day but every few days here and there. Last call, she said it’s best to do it this way since that’s what lets him move forward – being friendly, flirty, with Freudian slips — and then she said, we’d chat for 2-3 weeks and then he’d back off for 5 days when he realizes it’s getting too close, and — we chatted for three weeks and now he’s backed off. So, I suppose it might be 5 days, but who knows? She doesn’t do timing. But she did say 100% guaranteed he will always be back. So, I guess I just have to wait for that?? Or not wait. But see it happen?

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So I guess it’s over – but No Regrets. I gave it my all.

Hello all, (or more realistically – hello nobody reading this except me until sometime in the future when I want to look back and see how far I’ve come?)

Welp. I sent Sky two more messages since my last post. Once was the weekend after the last post – the house he used to stay in/at when we met had been taken down, and I was visiting my family’s place so took a pic and sent it to him – we went back and forth for a few lines, he said it was sad and that was about it.

But, no messages from him.

Ugh. Things got so bad. Like, really. I mean, 24-hour zombie took over my body living status. No Fucks Given about Anything. Including eating, which meant I lost a couple pounds (yippee) — but then I started eating like crap, cause I figured it was better than eating nothing. And now I’m slowly going back to normal. I even started going to the gym again (yayyy, me) and faced a stern talking to by my less-than-pleased trainer who now thinks I’m a quitter. I told him I was going through some stuff and was back now, but he was a skeptic. Sidenote: My trainer is so hot. But he’s all happy in a relationship. And he’s like, 10 years younger than me or some shit. LOL. #cougarintraining

Anyway… scraping my way out of depressionville I went up to NH to hang with my Dad. Told him more details of the story. It was nice to let it all out. I’m the type who is generally there for everyone else, but not many people are there for me. Really, any, at times. Anyway, I ended up being inspired to send another message to Sky, one was more heartfelt. Short but sweet. Love you miss you type thing. But I sent it at 10:30 on a Sat night, so then I sent him another one the next day, explaining I meant it and some more stuff that was deep and kind of long. Not asking anything of him, but things I wanted to say and haven’t gotten a chance to, that I noticed about him.  I prayed on it, wasn’t sure if I was supposed to send it, but got an immediate answer “Yes” so I hit send.

According to the chat heads, he read it. And also, has not responded. O_o  but seriously, da fuq?

Like, you’re gonna take everything we’ve been through since last December, (that’s almost 10 months!!!!) come visit me finally, then just peace the F out on uncertain terms and drop it? What the heck was the point of all that time spent talking?

And what about the last 15 years of friendship? Like oh, I guess this isn’t going anywhere, I might as well just not talk to her. How about: we’ve been super close for a good chunk of the last year and I should talk to her and make sure she understands and doesn’t now hate me forever? Of course, I let him back in the past two times, why would he think there was any urgency this time — although there is a big difference in, he actually spent time with me. We went to a wedding together. Etc.

I also cancelled my Bitwine account (yay!) – I’m just done with the readers there. Honestly, I WAS so impressed with one of them, but her last two reads were all over the place, so I’m done. AAG’s  reads have been accurate, but timing has been off, and she’s expensive for the time. And she doesn’t see the bad stuff. And the final one who I like, she gets frustrated with me. She says it’s not me, it’s that she wishes the situation would get fixed faster, but her justifications were starting to bother me – like – she would say, the not communicating is cause he gets sidetracked and you play a part since he asked you to keep him on track. I say, but it should be both ways. And she says: it’s my expectations making me upset, but he’s the one who said we would “talk more soon” – almost a month ago. Being sidetracked and not doing what you said you were going to do (soon is relative – but not that relative) – that doesn’t really address a person not talking to you who supposedly loves you, even thought they think they can’t be with you. So. Apparently, not, huh?

On the bright side…

Skarlet (my intuitive I will stay with) explained what’s going on with him to me, that basically because of what he said he’s talking himself out of talking to me – sticking with his sentiments of, it can’t be a relationship since I live there and you live here type thing. But she says that thought will dissipate over time, he can’t get me out of his mind and never will be able to.

And if I don’t contact him he will surely contact me, as warm and fuzzies will start to bubble up in him and he won’t have time to talk himself out of trying to talk to me. And so on and so forth. But who knows when that will be…

She’s also got her prediction (and has said several times now) that this is the man I’m going to marry. She laughs cause she says I know you aren’t even talking, but that’s what I get. And that when it does come together, it won’t be me moving to get my own place; rather it would be, I know I love you and I want this to work, let’s move in together and if it does, let’s get married.

I wish I had emojis to use right now, but I don’t–so will just say, that while I would love it if it happens, I can’t really hitch my horse to something that has yet to even materialize haha insofar as we aren’t speaking. She does say, though, that it’s a long road and it won’t be a fairy tale (though we will have fairy tale moments) as this is a soul connection and those types of relationships are never easy. And she always said there was a back and forth energy that continues for a while — so I guess this is the “back”.

Well, anyway, we will see. I need to give myself time to heal, grieve what I thought we were building (and what we did build) and come to terms with..well, the reality of my new situation here. And the deep loneliness that goes along with that. I feel like I lost an arm or something. Like an actual part of me is missing. And I guess when all the dust really settles inside my aching heart (cue tiny violin) then I will know whether it’s time to put myself out there, really try, again.

Granted, I feel like that would take a really long time. Sky was the *one* person I thought I could count on for anything. He was the *one* person who literally, before we got involved, never let me down. I knew he cared about me SO much, and I always kind of used his love as a measuring stick for what I should search for in a man I would marry and/or choose to be with. Nobody ever really met his level of caring, and in some ways that’s why I thought it was never really truly right. Because when someone really truly cares about you, you can feel it.

So getting over THAT kind of …betrayal? Is that what this is? would naturally take a while. Honestly doubt I’d ever truly be the same. And I would even kind of think that then, I’d know things would never be the same. Like I’d be settling for some surface level interaction where I felt like they never truly knew or cared or loved me for all that I am. I’m sure I could find someone to be happy enough with and settle down eventually… but it’s like I’d be operating without my heart. You know?

Still. If Sky really is gone from my life and this was not meant to continue on, then I can’t honestly believe that God would want me alone, without a human companion, for my entire life.

I guess I can’t really have any regrets here though. I went after the man I had the deepest feelings for, for a long time, scared that he would be like “umm, no” and it turned out he felt even more than I did for a longer time. We felt the same, but different, as he knew on some level what he wanted – I didn’t. And then I gave it everything I had for a solid stretch of this year, even when he wavered and dropped off the face of the earth the previous two times, once for no apparent reason, and I was ready to give up everything to really give it a shot and move my life if it seemed like this was going to be the real deal.

I even told him that this past visit, in other terms, but it basically fell on deaf ears. No response. No real acknowledgement of what I said.

So, I guess I can’t regret that. Now I know, that he’s not the one who got away, since – well – I came back to him. It’s just that I have a real hard time believing most things he said to me, if this is how it is going down. If he really loved me that deeply, for that long, wouldn’t you want to actually be with the person? Really try? Not half-try and monopolize most of their time and their romantic life for the better part of a year and then just disappear?

It just doesn’t add up.

But anyway, that’s all the information I have, so that’s the only real conclusion I can make. The truth will come out eventually, it always does.

So yeah. No regrets as I’ve said. If we never speak again, I guess I can live my life knowing that I really did try with the person I thought was my truest love.

But as it stands, he wouldn’t be able to say the same. What we did this year- that’s not trying much. It’s talking. Growing close emotionally. But at a safe distance. So.

*I* would have no regrets. But he probably would. And I guess that’s not my problem, since I can’t control him.

So from here I guess I let time pass. Continue on with my life. Try to have fun, and enjoy what’s here in my day-to-day. Focus on being thankful for things. And eventually, if there is no more to be said here and our story is done, this will be a part of the past. My life will have new pages, and each page will bring me further away from what we were creating together. And then one day, I would decide to take my heart (or what’s left of it) and start again. I am a beautiful person, inside and out, and I have so much to give to someone. It wouldn’t be fair to keep my light to myself for all of my life just because the person I was so sure would never let me down, at least to that extent, did.

& just like that – we’re back. Rubber band has snapped back. Dafuq

I get a text today from Sky. 12:55 pm. “Okay. I think I am coming out of my foggyness.”

Yep.

And I didn’t see that at first. He hit me up on google talk and said “hug hug”

Da fuq.

Like seriously.

And we chatted for a bit and now he brings up this coming visit like, what are our plans? Like Oh everything is normal. lol. Of course I respond with something about how I was about to ask him if I should return my dress or not. But I’m being flirty too. Little ribbing because – well – he caved out on me!

A little while later, (some conversation later) he asks if we might want to spend more than just the weekend together. (The wedding we are going to is in a diff state, he has a hotel booked for two nights…) – and he had before told me he was going to stay with his family during the week (Mon Tues Wed)

!!!!

Like I Can’t. Even. And I never say that. I’m sitting here thinking how anxious and oblivious and worried and sad I’ve been, and he’s all “lets do this and this and this” literally …he’s supposed to be here in…4 freaking days. Way to cut it close.

But at the same time… I’m happy. 🙂

And it’s true. As the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes in his book – when the rubber band snaps back. It snaps. The fuck. Back. Pick up right where left off.

So … example of not chasing – although I sent a few texts – not pushing – and he sorted himself out and boomeranged back into my life. !!! How ya like THEM apples.

When your friends say enough is enough

Welp.

There comes a time when your friends just say enough is enough and stop wanting to hear you upset about a guy. Meaning they tell you to ditch the guy.

That happened. The one person who was supportive and positive and truly there about it.

I understand. I do. But sometimes you just want someone to be supportive no matter what. When people say, they are supportive, but then write a paragraph or go into a full-fledged thing about their concerns and why you shouldn’t do what you’re doing… well, where is most of their energy.

I have some more thoughts on psychic readings – I keep getting that the wild card here in the relationship with Sky is me. As in I might get tired of it and choose another path. But he won’t. Then again, he’s not the one who keeps getting hurt. I had something similar said to me the other day, that psychic readings and what they think you will do – you have free will – they can only tell you what’s available to you, if you choose it.

I still haven’t heard much from him. I keep getting, from readings, that work is really pissing him off. And the way he deals with it is shutting everyone out (not just me) and white-knuckling it. Today’s reader said that if we were married I would know more but as it is now, I’m the same as everyone else.

I did get some advice today. That if it gets to the weekend, send a message – very casual about needing to know if I should keep the dress I bought that he chose for this wedding I was supposed to be accompanying him to.

I can do that. That way I’m not doing nothing. And then at least I know. A thought just occurred: Maybe he hasn’t said anything about it yet because he doesn’t know if he’s coming or not yet.

I love listening to Joel Osteen’s sermons when I’m going through tough times. Listening to one right now which is about how God will bring you out better from every situation you go through.

Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

It’s Monday afternoon at work and I’m just hit with pangs of sadness. I miss him *so* much. Us not talking is so bewildering to me. In some ways I wish God/the Universe would just send some man into my life and then I won’t have to deal with this ambiguity anymore.

No word from Sky all weekend. He changed his profile picture and updated his status with a phrase that means someone died in a skydiving accident. Out of compassion I messaged him directly to say sorry for his loss – and he replied and was more chatty than he has been in the past few weeks. Told me details about the accident and so on. It wasn’t a long conversation, nor did he ask how I’ve been or what I’ve been up to, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. At least I’m trying to keep lines of communication open. I wasn’t going to send him anything else but .. if someone dies, you don’t hold personal grudges based on lack of communication. And it’s good to show a caring side. but still, leaving it now. Though it pains me.

I still don’t know for sure if he’s coming to visit or not. It’s just a week away. I suppose it’s possible that he could be very nervous.. I mean we have built it up so much, not the visit but our relationship. Maybe he wanted to temper things down so that the expectations would be low for the visit. I suppose that’s better in a way maybe…

Be bad to have the same thing happened as happened in January, where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and then did and it wasn’t how we thought it would be at all. Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

IF – and I say IF – he is going the other way, then he can’t be in a very good place right now. In general. I mean what kind of person, does that to someone they have known and loved for 15 years, and then got closer with, said I love you daily too, and then just backs off on them? No explanation?

Not an emotionally healthy one. But people pull out of these things and then apologize, because for one they have to sleep with themselves at night, and for two perhaps the feelings are still there…

I don’t know.

What happens when you track a guy down to ask why he’s been so distant?

I haven’t really touched on what does happen when you do decide to contact a guy who has taken a step back (or..you know, ran a marathon in the other direction) – but, one of my close friends has done the opposite of what I feel/think is best recently so I wanted to let you know about it.

First guy: Man A. A had dated her, was recently divorced, and then did the rubber band. She questioned him a lot and he did communicate. He went his separate way, and then came back about a month later. Things seemed good, and then they went sour again. She again ended up calling him and he told her that he just didn’t see a future with her in that way, and that they were better off as friends.

Now, had she left it or waited to see what he would do – I see two probable outcomes. 1) He says nothing, she wonders but eventually moves on anyway, and no weird conversation happens that makes her feel worse about herself and her ability to find and be loved. 2) He does whatever he wants to do, and the door is still open to her so eventually he pops back in. Existing relationships are always easier to pick up then forging new ones. You already know that at least at one point, that person liked you and you liked them. But instead, he was forced to have a conversation (and this is after several conversations partially about the same thing) and it maybe forced an answer that wasn’t in her favor

Man B: Started off well enough, at first she was still hung up on Man A so didn’t care for Man B. Eventually she opened up to Man B, and then Man B started pulling away, into stretches of no contact. She was sure it was another woman or something like that, so she facebook stalked him and found out he recently re-added his ex-girlfriend. She texted, he dodged and didn’t answer, twice I think – and then she called. He DID answer, and he did have a conversation with her where he ended up telling her he just didn’t feel it in his soul. ??? After two months. Seems a bit early for soul-knowingness.

Anyway, again – had she left it, perhaps it would have been painful but then the door is open for him to return, if she felt she liked him enough to do that. Perhaps timing is wrong, whatever it is, if you don’t force a conversation the man is not ready to have, then the door stays open, and the bridges unburned.

It’s possible that chasing him down to make him have a conversation is what led to him saying what he said about not feeling it in his soul, and so on. Here’s the thing – we all go through ups and downs an uncertainties – if you catch someone when they are uncertain, and force them to talk about their feelings – then you aren’t going to get a positive response. And then that person knows what they said to you, and they can’t unsay it.

I mean, can you really see yourself calling someone up or texting someone and being like hey, let’s get together or chatting after you told them that you don’t see a future or any other flavoring of that statement? No, it makes it much harder. Plus, if you factor in cognitive dissonance, which is basically our own bias to believe and follow through with things we have thought, said or done, EVEN if they weren’t true originally — then you are not going to go against your own decision at one point, because it makes you look weak.

Food for thought.

Any of you experience positive outcomes from forcing a guy to speak when he has gone distant? What about negatives? Comment!!

There’s a big hole in my life.

I wish I was writing today to say that things were back on track and the most amazing, loving man was in my life the way he has been. But, he is still very distant. He replied to the last text I sent yesterday evening around lunch time today, and I responded about 90 minutes later – and no response to that.

At least there’s something… but.

I’m a little at a loss. And obviously, I miss him.

I think back over the past.. 9 months and, the two times he has gone distant before. The times before, it was kind of like a slow build towards the silent times – well, at least last time it was. The first time, it was pretty dramatic – almost as if he welcomed any and all distractions from having to think about or address what was going on between us. Before he knew it, a month had gone by (where he was working a training thing for skydivers, some kind of intensive training) and as soon as it was over he got in touch. We talked it out then, (and, forgive me if I already wrote about this – but – as much as I want this blog to be a “me too!” type thing for others, it’s also for my own catharsis) and I didn’t handle it all that well – I was too happy to have him back and didn’t ask the tough questions and so on, I just wanted things back the way they were.

So, while he/we wanted to see each other, we didn’t make plans then — and two months passed. April wasn’t a great month, he was “weird” and was talkative but, he wasn’t present. And then, just as fast as he came on, he was gone again. It hurt more the second time, because I thought somehow our love was stronger since he had left me and come back. It made me question everything, and I just felt so sad for myself and also the time lost over what I thought was something he wasn’t even serious about. I didn’t try much this time to talk to him, since the time before it really didn’t make a difference. The one time I did try, he ignored me.

Through May I picked up the pieces and pulled myself back together. I went out on a date with another man (the guy was obsessed, it was a bit terrifying). And basically, I resolved to move on with my life – at least, I had given things a shot with someone I always deep down felt I should have been with anyway. I went out with another guy from my past, and that was okay – but I wasn’t attracted anymore. Just his way of being – it appealed to less mature me, but I have grown and want something real and lasting now. I also almost hung out with my most recent ex – as friends (from my side) – but then –

He poofed back into my life. This time, I already knew I was going to let him sweat a bit when he finally made contact. Turned out I didn’t even see his first attempt and he went into a bit of a panic – he ended up texting me twice (I thought the first text was the first contact, so I let it sit) – and facebook messaging. This time I made it clear we could talk it out on the phone, not on messenger. Again, he said he doesn’t know why he does this — which is what he said the first time — and yes, work does get very busy — and he had got some bad news about not being selected for a program he wanted to get into – but why he drops things, and treats me like that, of all people, he dislikes about himself. He expressed desire to change. But I think he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down – and when he’s muddled through whatever it is, he comes back.

The thing is, apparently his feelings for me have (surprisingly) been solid through all of this, according to him. I’m not entirely sure – sometimes I think, he mainly falls in love with me when I’m not around. But sometimes I guess that’s what it takes? Or he just really does get super distracted and feels like he doesn’t have time to sit and chat with me, or send me texts throughout the day – or whatever. And then he realizes a bunch of time passed, and then is kind of like well now what …

I mean what’s a lady to do? Here’s the man saying really, his feelings didn’t change and he wants to pick things up and is apologetic about how things happened – whom she loves back – but at the same time, she went through a hurtful experience.

And then he did it again. And when he came back the second time, things became amazing between them and they grew as a couple and she was blissfully happy. A little unsure of the future, but blissfully happy.

I can only wonder if this …2 months on, 1 month off process is going to continue indefinitely, or if it gets better? Is it really worth it, even if he is one of the best (if not the best) man I know? I’ve spent 16 years searching for someone who could equal him and love me too, and haven’t found it…

But I suppose at this point I really don’t know what my options are. All I do know is that, while I’m supposed to be going to a wedding with the man I love at the end of the month, that man is kind of nowhere to be found right now. There’s someone on the end of the line texting back to me sporadically, but the emotional warmth and closeness – gone. And given how all we really have are our today’s, and  people make plans all the time that don’t come to fruition … fill in the blank…– however, I can’t throw in the towel on this plan just yet. Picture me hanging out in the ocean with a life preserver. Just hanging out to see what happens, trying not to panic because there’s not much you can do.

And most of all, I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. I had a migraine and was a bit distant, sure. Maybe it wasn’t nice to experience. But you don’t shut down a relationship for that.

Of course – there is also the possibility that, the closer time got to him actually coming home and us seeing each other again, the more he thought about it and the more scared he got about us getting closer and taking that next step. Cold feet. I think he will recover – it’s a man thing – and I feel by now I have done my part to show him that I care and be supportive of how busy his work is and so on. I think I can safely give it some space — not too much — but start backing off. Creating space. Letting him come forward. Letting him miss me – enough to want to bring me into his life. But there’s that little voice that says, what about me? Why do I have to be the one that suffers here while he just does what he needs to do to get his emotions / head straight? It’s extremely difficult to stay open to someone who is unintentionally hurting you with their actions because they are overwhelmed or distracted or whatever. And then there is always the possibility that it’s really a very rude brush-off, thinking I will get the hint. Or someone else distracting him. Maybe several someone elses. But if that is true… then… I’m probably better off in the long run anyway.

I guess if we see each other in person then I can say to him something along the lines of how I have been trying to do what we said, and not let him drift away, but it requires a lot of me putting aside my own emotions for very little response from him. And maybe there’s a better way to go about it. I don’t know. I’m tired now, it’s late. And there’s a big hole in my life where he was filling up so much. It’s literally like I lost my best friend.