A weekend with the family — and my dad mentioning my future adopted children.

So, my dad was giving some merry speech about how he spent a lot of money on the new big table he purchased (well, he wasn’t talking about the money, but why he invested) and was saying how, in his family there was a big table that was kind of generational, and had many happy memories around it, with grandchildren and friends and big family etc etc and that’s what he wanted for his family. 

Then he said you know if they’re adopted grandkids whatever, and I think my eyes popped and I said, wow — even you gave up on me already! My stepmom said no he didn’t, and then my dad apologized, but it’s the type of thing you can’t unsay.

So yep, apparently it’s starting to dawn on people that I’m almost 30 and have no boyfriend (right now), no prospects (right now), and sometimes it feels like i can’t go anywhere without being reminded of that fact.

The dating books all say to act as if you KNOW it’s going to happen, and enjoy the moments of your life with that certainty, and that will help attract the person to you — but there is a big fear in me that I will exist as I am today, forever. Single, not quite knowing why I wasn’t “picked” by life for The Big Relationship yet, wondering why my life has been as hard as it has and it seems like I’m just walking Job’s life (Well, not quite, even he got married O_o) as far as relationships anyway. 

I could still be thankful that there are people in my life that care about me and my wellbeing, even if most of those people have the emotional development and intelligence of a 3 year old, that I have a roof over my head, a puppy who is literally just a little bouncy bundle of joy, a good, solid, dependable job that sent me to Switzerland and the UK this year, and beauty that attracts people, and a personality that people compliment me on. I have also grown into a much tidier person, and am healthier now than I have been in years with the gym and my nutrition. 

Anyway, I’m struggling with the being single and (gulp) almost 30 thing a lot. And since most of my friends are in relationships. I should probably make better friendships with my old college roommates, although sometimes we don’t get along that well, at least me and one in particular. 

I also heard someone say, on a podcast “I am nobody’s most important person” and how hard that was for her (40’s single) …. and that has been haunting me ever since.

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That Time He Met My Family…

OK readers without further adue, here’s what happened when he met the parents:

It was supposed to be a rainy day, but we lucked out and the sun came out! This was back on Mother’s Day. My dad, stepmom, sister, brother, half-brother, and my half-brother’s friend went with us to the Red Sox game. The plan was to get dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse afterwards, and the boyfriend would meet us there.

We had fun at the game, and then walked to the restaurant. The boy got a table for us, which was smart given that it was right after a 1 PM game, and — when we got there — he opened the door and held it for us. Since nobody had met him, my sister walked in first and said the cursory thanks, but barely acknowledged him, then I laughed and gave him a hug, and she was like Ooooh!! LOL.

So we all sat down to eat. He made great conversation with my dad and stepmom, and I could tell they both liked him. He got along well with my older brother too. My youngest brother and sister were at the other end of the table, so it’s a little hard to become besties when you have to talk past several other people.

Anyway food came, and he starts eating, then stops. Since you begin to know someone’s body language, I noticed that he was strangely still — and started watching him. Then, he got up, and excused himself abruptly.

He was gone for a longer than normal amount of time, so I started to get worried. But, I pretended like I didn’t notice and kept talking with the fam. He came back eventually, and — poor guy — explained that he got food stuck in his windpipe, or swallowed it wrong, or something like that. My brother had actually had the same issue a few months back and ended up having to go to the ER because a piece of lettuce got wedged in the soft walls of the esophagus! They had to use the mini camera scope thing to push it down into his stomach, poor guy!! Anyway, I guess it’s extremely uncomfortable, but he seemed OK and…I would have been MORTIFIED but he handled it like a pro.

Just rolled with the punches and kept on going, laughed at himself, etc. My family is pretty laid back so they felt bad and made him feel comfortable without that pitying vibe.

So about ten min passes and he gets up again, and this time about five min passes before my stepmom goes, OK, if he doesn’t come back soon, (brother’s name)–you’re going in after him.

A few mins later, we send my brother in to check up on him with some water — and he runs into the boyfriend walking back on the way. Apparently, whatever was stuck hadn’t completely dislodged itself, but THIS time he was OK.

The poor guy ended up missing half of dinner!  But instead of dying of embarrassment, like I surely would have, he handled it super well.

Sure enough, he got the stamp of approval from the parents, and then a few weeks later we hung out with them at our lake cottage — went paddleboarding, ocean kayaking (yes, on a lake), and just hung out on the mini beach we have. No food emergencies this time, but he did break out in strange rash on his chest — which faded later on.

So, that’s what happened when he me the fam! A slight disaster story, but one of those look-back-and-laugh memories. He still hasn’t met my mom, but he will soon enough.

I have so many more stories to fill you guys in on! Stay tuned for:

  • deployment
  • a wedding weekend / bike trip disaster
  • one of his best friend’s gfs being oddly touchy feely with him, and the fight it caused
  • making it facebook official
  • proof that guys talk about the talk, and even know it’s called, “the talk”
  • me and my commitmentphobia
  • the 3 month mark

Dealing with (the idea of) Deployment

Well tonight it’s a Saturday night and I’m at home relaxing, and I fucking love it. Haha, late 20’s here we go. Reason being? My man is in the Coast Guard Reserves. He has drill this weekend. So he’s riding around on a boat and doing whatever else they do, and I get me time! And while I miss him (heck, at this point I miss him less than half an hour after he leaves sometimes), I’m kind of glad for the self-time.

I have to say, the more we talk/the more we get closer, the more I am impressed with him and his mind. Just who he is as a person. Like, absolutely want him in my life. And I feel so lucky he feels the same way. I’m trying not to fall for this guy too fast but, it’s hard. It’s like, everything about him pulls at me.

Anyway, so he’s the first guy with a military affiliation I’ve dated. And, reserves is almost a little deceptive, because he it’s like normal life, then all of a sudden, “So hey I might get deployed to (name a place)..but I’m not sure, so, that’s all I know for now.”

Oh. OH. So, you might be ripped from my life for a certain amount of time?

And all of a sudden, I’m being very selfish. These military men, they are serving a bigger purpose. Helping the country to function. For the greater good, of everyone who is a part of the country.

And when he tells me these things, all I can think is, I’d rather have you stay here with me because I just want to carry on BEING with him and doing the young love thing where it’s all heady and euphoric.

So, one of the things that makes me admire him as a person, is quickly becoming one of the things that makes me pout. Until I remember to “woman up” and be proud of the guy who is out there doing this stuff.

When we first started dating, the potential deployment date was end of May. So that deployment is (most likely) not happening, BUT he might be switching stations and if he switches, that new station is deploying to ..somewhere out of the country. BUT he’ll be the new kid on the block, so he might not be sent.

Which all makes me juggle the “would we stay together” question, so finally last night I just asked him flat out. We’ve addressed it by dancing around it conversationally, but never explicitly said, yes, I want to stay together. I mean, the deployment would be longer than we would have been dating, most likely.

Turns out, BEFORE, as in, if he was deploying at the end of this month, he would have said I don’t blame you if you want to hit pause on this thing, and see other people while I’m gone, and maybe pick back up when I return.

..but now, it’s different. He said he definitely would want to stay together, which made me feel more sure about things.

But then I had my own thoughts, as in, can I really do this, I would miss him so much, what if we can’t really talk, he’s becoming my best friend in the whole world and then he’d be away so I’d never trade that to “see what else is out there” – I would stay. But it would be hard. And I think I might die a little inside temporarily. But we talked and I was honest about my reservations, and he said the one thing is you can’t go into it thinking, well we will see how this goes, because sending someone away with that on their mind is the last thing they need.

I didn’t say anything, but even if you were 100% committed, and then things changed, …well, nothing in life is guaranteed. That said, I know tons of people who have done it. And if you can’t be true to someone, then how are you going to be married to them? And if you’re not going to even consider marrying them, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. I think if it happened it would be a good test. To see how committed we both are, or more how committed I am, because I guess there’s not that much temptation while you’re deployed (assuming you don’t want a military girl, which he says he has no interest in… ha, we will see)

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and we’re going to a baseball game, and then … he might meet my family. 🙂 🙂 🙂 IF everyone wants to get dinner afterwards… if not, then me and him will just have Sunday night date night.

I don’t just really like you anymore

So the person who commented on the last post was right, it was no big deal. It’s been a little since I blogged because things have been insanely busy.

I have a bridal shower this Friday night, my friend’s wedding which I’m in the end of the month, and another weekend like the week after that. Phew!  And, I didn’t have a plus one for either of them. Hahaha. 

I think it’s because 1) the couples are trying to limit the size of the wedding (and cost) and 2) I’m usually the flavor-of-the-week type girl. The not-really-a-boyfriend girl.

So it’s kind of sad, that I can’t bring my man, but – it feels better knowing I have someone to bring now, than just going alone. 

Last night we did round 2 of meet the family. Meaning, the other half of his family. Yep. LOL. He still hasn’t met mine.

So he tells me that it’s going to be his sister, her boyfriend, and his dad and him. OK, nbd. He didn’t mention it was his OTHER sister I hadn’t met yet, I had to figure that one out. 

He also didn’t mention one of his good friends would come (who I also haven’t met), and his friend’s gf, AND his other sibling I haven’t met. 

I’ve also been stressed about finances this month with all the gifts I have to buy, and just in general I’m still not used to getting paid once a month. It’s difficult. 

And I have deadlines at work coming up, and so work has been busy. It’s just a lot of little things.

Anyway back to the family thing. So, it was a little overwhelming, but I guess everyone really likes me (according to the boy, after). I was a little quiet though, so he was asking me what was wrong, and I kind of had no solid answer, other than there were a few things slightly bothering me. 

So one of the things I was kind of bummed about, was that I was a little jealous that he gets to do these big hang outs with family, since that’s something I never had. And he said, well now you are a part of it 🙂

…he also said, as we were kissing goodbye, so I dont just really like you anymore

(pause)

..i really, really like you.

so I said “ooooh …TWO reallys?!”

“yep”

(pause)

“ditto.” 

Boston Marathon Bombing… Tragedy and New Relationships

Hey readers.

So, first off, I know it might sound cheap to tie in the Boston bombings with a dating blog. But I promise you, there’s a lot of meat to take out of this post if you’re willing to read it all. This is all very real to me. I live in one of the original towns that was shut down before the mayor locked down the whole city. We were told not to leave our houses.

[Friday, April 19th, 2013 — A Rude Awakening]

6:00 AM. I’m not even awake yet. My phone text message sound goes off. Then it goes off again. “Stay inside!!” “OMG are you okay?!?!”   …. What.  The. Fuck.

I turn on the news. I see there’s a shoot out, one of the bombers is dead along with a police officer, and he’s at large in the town next door 8 minutes away from my house. I wake up my roommate. We start freaking out. Seriously? 8 minutes away. My place of work shuts down, they tell us to work from home, etc.

And I’m watching the police and SWAT and FBI set up camp at a place I go to regularly, at an intersection I’m at several times a month, and used to be at daily. I’m seeing the pictures on Twitter and Facebook of police with big guns searching for the at-large man.

A song from a childhood TV show goes through my head:

It’s a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood, a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood…won’t you be my neighbor?

I realize how inappropriate this is, and I can’t believe that’s how my mind decides to process what’s going on.

Not knowing what else to do, my roommate and I ended up going to work cleaning the place because, what else are we going to do?

And so I’m watching / obsessed with all the coverage…I mean, I’m listening to scanners (until they were shut down online), I’m watching reddit.com, I’m watching the news, I’m searching Twitter.

[Damsel in Distress]

I call the new man. He wasn’t up yet, and after hearing everything he goes “aww my poor damsel in distress” -but not in a mocking way. It was sweet. Later that day, he would tell me his dad suggested to him he get his gun and come be with me for the day. My personal hero.

And that’s the millionth time this week he’s been there for me. 

[What Happened This Past Sunday/The Awesomeness of Having an Alcoholic Mother]

If you read my last post, you know that on Sunday night, I got a call from my mom around 10:30 at night of her telling me she got pulled over for …whatever reason and failed the field sobriety test. I live in Massachusetts, and she already has 2-3 DUIs.

She also refused the breathalyzer. Which is about 5 years, most likely, loss of license; and also they will be trying to throw her in jail.

It’s my own mother. You only get one, and here she is possible facing jail time. It’s crushing. It’s not like she hasn’t “sobered up” more times than I can count, she just doesn’t STAY sober. 

Now, my family is an immigrant family, and I’m the oldest child. My parents are divorced, which means most of this falls on me. And let me tell you, that is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. A few years after college I tried to distance myself, but unless she as a boyfriend at the time there is nobody else to answer the calls, go to the hospitals, and basically clean up the mess she makes of her own life. (My little sister who is 7 years younger than me trie to help this time, so that was nice to have someone else on my team–but my brother, who is 2.5 years younger, always gets very angry and disappears.)

If you have ever been close to an alcoholic, you know it takes over your life when you are trying to fix theirs. 

Anyway. With the help of my therapist I managed to stay relatively uninvolved this time…so far, but it was really hard to sit and do nothing. Instead of trying to fix everything, this time I tried the concept of tough love.

And let me tell you, the new man… was amazing. He listened to me for hours on the phone, gave his own thoughts on things, and I actually found his thoughts unoffensive and caring and they added insight. In the past, when I’ve chosen to talk about my mom, a guy’s response will usually create a distance between us because I will sense that he doesn’t get it, or what the guy is saying will make me feel more alone, and not supported. Above all, I could tell my the things this man was saying and how supportive he was that he cares about me.

Actually, it was his birthday on Monday — yes, the same day the Boston Marathon bombing happened; and in the midst of the onslaught of people telling him happy birthday and his family calls / concerns about the bombing — still, he wanted to know how I was doing with what was going on with my mom. He put me first. Because he knew, my mom’s drama, and then the very next day a city-stopping terrorism act, is a lot for a girl to handle.

I have never felt so loved or cared for by someone not in my family, in my life.

At the end of the day, in regard to the marathon bombings, he said to me

I’m glad I had you to talk to. 

My heart melted.

And both of these types of events — a family member facing jail, and a terrorist act a little too close for comfort — can be “now or never” events for new relationships. They can either bring you closer, or highlight how not-close you are, and potentially push things apart because you find out, it’s not quite what it *should* be. And in this case, for the first time, I’m on the same page as someone..I have someone to talk to. I don’t feel judged, and I feel accepted. I have a “person” (Grey’s Anatomy reference). And he is emotionally intelligent enough to handle how complex my life can be with my mom, and I care for him as much as he seems to care for me.

I mean, this is someone who has qualities I want on my team. You know? You’re just like, yeah, you — you would be good to have around.

With the distance between us, even though I was not sleeping well because of what happened with my mom, the man and me weren’t planning on seeing each other til yesterday night (Friday night) anyway. Thank God we were, because, I just needed to touch him after all that. To be sure of him. You know? So, around 4 PM both my roommate and I were going completely stir-crazy, and there were a lot more cars around than earlier in the day, so she decides to go do her thing and I decide to leave early to go see my man…meaning, technically I left my house before it was OK.

About 30 mins later they lifted the lock-down, so it worked out OK (And no, I wasn’t in Watertown, or I wouldn’t have even tried it).

[Away from the City]

I get down to his place, and it’s like I’m on vacation. He lives very close to a wildlife reserve close to the cape, so it’s completely different than out here. And he has steaks going on the grill, potatoes boiling, spinach and broccoli sautee-ing, and salads started. We say our hellos and he offers me a glass of wine.

It just felt like, life came back together.

And then, before we sit down to eat, I see on his TV that they apprehended the still-living bomber. All was right with world once again, if only for a night.

So, about 90 mins after he leaves me side, the drama with my mom happens, and then the Marathon bombings; and then within 45 minutes after we get back together, they capture the bomber. … just saying.

During dinner, he happens to tell me he hasn’t made a steak dinner for a girl in a VERY long time. So that made me feel extra special. It’s things like that. He just knows how to make me feel special, I guess.

After dinner, we went to relax in his hot tub, which is beautiful and in-ground just higher than the pool. Of course, that’s not the only thing we did in the hot tub.

[The Inappropriate Part]

Reverting to my normal, slightly inappropriate self: Normally I don’t love hot tub sex. I’ve only done it a handful of times, but the motion of the water totally detracts from the motions of your bodies, but at the same time it’s such a sexy situation you can’t really turn it down. So I’m thinking, this will be fun, but kinda eh-sex-wise.

Boy, was I wrong. I don’t know how we worked it all out so that it ended up being, this much pleasure feels like I’m on drugs… and we both have some battle wounds to show for it.

[They Always Come Out of the Woodwork]

After, we were just sitting together in the warm, bubbling water talking, and the talk is just so natural. We’re talking about our “stalkers” as we call them — because it seems that events like a terrorist bombing will push anyone out of the woodwork who cares about you, even if it’s in a twisted way. 

In my case, it was a guy I’ve been hooking up with for years, who really I always thought we should date but he is veryyy commitment phobic, and last time things got a little too relationship-y and he dropped off the face of the earth from just after Valentine’s Day to yesterday. He actually said I should go over because there was strength in numbers. “Um, no.” “I was kidding.” OK…. and then a 2 am text saying I still can’t believe this shit.

In my man’s case, it was a girl he was sort of involved with before me, and had to break it off with because he just wasn’t into it, and she really was. Even told him it was OK if it wasn’t going to be anything, and a few weeks later he still broke it off because he felt bad about what was going on. This was a few months ago. Go figure. (Ladies, why do we undercut our own value like that?) She texted him today to ask if his family was OK. ??? Which he saw through in all of .5 seconds.

Him and I were talking about how nice it is to connect with each other on so many levels, and I said it is moving kind of fast but at the same time, I don’t mind it with him. It’s like a slow-fast, I don’t know if that makes sense.

Oh. OH. I forgot to mention: Thursday night on the phone the Meet the Parents thing came up. Yes, let me just recap THAT one for you…

[Let’s Play Meet the Parents!]

He is going to Maine with his fam for a week in September, right before a wedding (the one he invited me to after I invited him to one)…only this time, he asked me if I wanted to go with them for the week.

Gulp. 

So I end up asking if I would be meeting them sometime before this Maine event so it wouldn’t be a, meet-the-family-for-the-first-time-for-a-whole-week-on-an-island, type deal.

He said he would like me to meet them, def, but no rush – they live close to him, so whenever I feel ready.

So now, we started getting together on the 29th of March. Which means it hasn’t even been a month, but we’re already talking families.

Sometimes, it just feels right, I guess. Although it seems fast, we’re both on the same page – and I guess that’s what makes it right. I don’t feel that sense of rushing things, either. It doesn’t feel like I’m jumping in the deep end. More like, when you go scuba diving — if you’re a beginner they walk you in from the shore, and you stay on the ground of the sea and suddenly they’re telling you to go back up, and you look up and realize you’re 40 feet under water. That’s how it is with this guy. Things got deep, fast. And I didn’t even notice.

[Making Love]

Back to hot tub … so we’re talking about how well things are working between us, and he’s saying he likes how we don’t HAVE to talk about us at all, it just works and we are just enjoying ourselves.  I agree with him. It just works. And how we’re both kind of impressed by how strong the physical attraction is.

For me, it’s not just like I want him, I just, like..need him. Physically. Ha. He has said more than once I make him feel like a 21 year old again.

So we start at it again… and this time it’s slow and sensual and the type of tender, emotionally-close sex that only comes after resolving a big fight or …. bonding and coming closer over national tragedies and showing someone the skeletons in your closet and having them accept you and still choose to stand by you, anyway. The kind that feels like making love.

[In Conclusion…]

310703_535246176547093_1348722104_nSo after all of this…all being, the bombings, and mentally wrestling with the idea of my mom potentially going to jail, and him being so amazingly supportive and caring… what it brought me to conclude is really what we all hear every now and then — to make the most of every day. You just don’t know how long you have, and yet we all fall into this belief that we can do whatever we want for however long we want, and we will be able to see the people we love whenever we feel like it assuming they aren’t suffering a physical health issue.

And yet. 

We just can’t keep forgetting that we really don’t know if we have tomorrow or not. Now, I don’t think anyone should live in fear … but, life really is about finding people that will be a part of your inner circle… you know what I mean, the people that make your life *worth* it. And then making sure they know that, and planning fun things that make you happy but ALSO enjoying all the small things that put a smile on your face, and trying to cram as many of those into a single day as you can (while still living responsibly, of course).

…which I guess is kind of why I started this blog. Because, until you have it, it feels like something is missing. At least it did for me. You don’t know quite WHAT is missing, but something feels…shallow. Like, not a complete existence. Don’t beat me up for saying that, I promise you I tried to make my life as full and complete as possible without a man. But I guess what I’m saying is, without love — the real, consuming, my life is all shimmery now, type of love, it feels like you’re just wading around in the kiddy pool killing time while there’s an Olympic pool full of life right next door, but you’re just not invited.

And yes, finding the right person is so difficult in some ways. Personally, I’ve definitely thought more than once about giving up on dating altogether. 

And yet.

Something always kept me fighting to find it. To find what I have with him, this man. Right now, it only exists in moments, but I am so thankful for what we have shared so far… it reminds you, of what you’re looking for. Why you try.

So my readers…if you haven’t found it yet… if you aren’t totally happy… you will, and you can be. It’s so hard to hear and believe when you’re not there, and I get that. But don’t give up. Don’t give up on giving yourself the chance to be amazed by what’s happening in your own life.

Who knows, it may not work out with this guy — I’m not a fortune teller — so maybe I’ll be back to my usual stories in a few months (I hope not!! :o) ) but this. This. THIS is what the crazy dating journey is all about.