Uh oh

So this morning I’m super nervous because I brought up something that happened this past weekend with the new man and while the conversation went well he ended with talking about how he doesn’t like when people try to change each other or change themselves for the sake of avoiding an argument. As if everything we just talked about was me trying to change him. To make me more happy.

I asked him if he was saying that because that’s what he thought this conversation was and he said no. Then he said he thinks it might be difficult for us because we are both strong willed personalities when it comes to compromising and things.

Uh oh. Doesn’t sound good.

The Ones Who Got Away

Does anyone else ever sometimes think of boyfriends (or, ore correctly, never quite was a boyfriend officially) past and do the Facebook/Internet creeping, see a glimpse of their life and current love and wonder, how could he be so different with her?

One of my almost exes has lived with a girl for two years, and they seem to be very happy together. Dream life. I mean lake house, tons of friends, toys galore, vacations.

My other ex who was much closer to being a boyfriend, buys his current gf flowers randomly at least once a month. The only time he ever did for me was on Valentines Day. Now, I know he wasn’t as into me as he should have been, because he didn’t make me his gf. But the difference in how this guy acts to his current girl and how he acted to me is a huge eye opener and almost offends me, as in, why did you waste your time and more importantly my time if, you clearly didn’t feel anything even close to that, for me.

And I know, I should be way past it, and not even thinking, slash looking, because they probably barely if ever think of me. I mean, you don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about people you broke it off with, especially when you are with someone new and happy, because chances are you put a lot of thought into not continuing it before you decided to break the news to the other person.

But just like…why. I guess there could be a ton of reasons, and the reality is nothing anyone says about why someone decided not to be with you will ever really make sense to you, including what they say to you. I guess at the end of the day, it really means you weren’t on the same page, maybe not for a while. And that’s a shame. But it happens.

I think it comes down to being really honest with yourself about what they are telling you, and not just hanging to to the things you like.

My current guy, introduced me to his family this past weekend. Yep. And his mom is the cutest thing ever. Apparently they really liked me. And we also put his boat in the water for the first time this year, and he let me drive haha. One of the things I like about him is that he really seems to believe in me even when I don’t really believe in myself. Which I guess applies to a lot of things, more so than I realized.

Like, he tried to get me to sing karaoke this past weekend because he heard me sing in the car and decided I am hiding a set of pipes. Okay, I can carry a note, but not as well as some other people. He also would compliment me on my form in doing certain things ..like, playing beer pong or throwing a ball, even though I didn’t sink a single shot or throw well while he was watching me once.

I’m definitely falling for this guy, and it almost feels like I got caught in an undertow and it’s pulls me faster and farther than I planned on. I’m not necessarily in trouble yet but …it’s definitely a little scary.

One of my best friends asked me if I thought he was the one. Haha! Idk yet, I mean, I probably thing that about every guy I see more than three times, but so far it hasn’t worked out that way. Granted is is a lot different, but I would hate to start jumping to the future too much.

I also need to blog about him possibly being deployed this summer, and her hinting at me getting married every time she sees me now. Hahahaha. Goodnight loves.

Birthday weekend coming up and a Superfood

It’s my birthday this weekend. But with the drama of the Boston bombings and my mom, I really didn’t do a great job of planning!

So, after most people couldn’t make it, I ended up deciding to say stuff it and decided to suggest going to the man’s place for the weekend and make use of the hot tub and pool, and invite whoever else. There is a dinner Sunday night anyway a few people will go to.

Of course he agreed to it.

But then I felt like things were off yesterday. Like he seemed uncharacteristically untalkative. I’m wondering if he got told he is deploying? He said he wouldn’t tell me to ruin my birthday but… Idk.

So on another note, let’s talk about one of my little projects. I recently tried this stuff that has
96 nutrients, 42 antioxidants, 19 amino acids, and is heavily saturated with vitamin A, iron, etc. it’s actually really good, tastes like mildly sweetened green tea. And its being used in third world countries to help battle malnutrition because it grows in hot dry climates and really helps the body function extremely well.

The company I’m working with likes to sell it as weight loss, and sure enough many people are losing a lot of weight, but I think it’s more related to finally giving the body everything it needs so it can process at a higher function. It’s great for asthma and migraines, and there are a few stories I will post later of people who used it and noticed pain they’ve been experiencing for years disappear.

If you’re into health and nutrition and want to know more, or to try it and see if you like it before you go on the system, comment below. I really liking it so far. 🙂

Stupid Wells Fargo Student Loan Lender Employees

Hola. So, I want to blow off some steam. This post is not about dating. It’s about a lovely little beast called student loans.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you are researching student loans, do yourself a big favor and if you see the name Wells Fargo — RUN.

I sold my loan to someone else within the first month it went into repayment. And while this whole things is going through, Wells Fargo associates seriously screwed up not once, but twice.

First: I messed up on the first payment date, and so they were calling, and said if I paid by X day, everything would be fine. So, I schedule a payment. Tra-la-la, life is good. I have to take a screenshot of the loan being current so that my new lender will pay it off. So I do, and send it off. 

About a week later, I start getting calls from a number I don’t know, so I do what I always do and ignore it. And ignore it. And ignore it. And then my dad calls, flipping out. 

Apparently, my loan is now wayyyy past due.

Reason: Apparently Wells Fargo isn’t sophisticated enough to realize that may payment going in on the date it was going in on, would be veryyy close to the next due date. What super helpful but idiot guy told me was, to call mid-month with progress of my consolidation loan and go from there. 

Apparently not.

So, I negotiate with Wells Fargo Employee 2. He tells me, that given the payoff type and amount, it would be best if I scheduled a payment, which would be a “safeguard” against if, for any reason, the check was delayed. Even better, he said, the excess amount would get cut in a check right back to me. And, he agreed to not charge me the “late” fees because the whole reason this payment was “late” was the misinformation they gave me. 

Well, fast forward about a month, and I’m sitting here with a dangerously low bank balance, and decide to give Wells Fargo a call.

Paid in full! They said. Cool. So where’s my check?

“Oh, we sent it back to the loan company who paid the loan off.”

WHAT.

WHATTTT. I can’t pay my fucking car payment now, or my heat bill, or my credit card bill, because you guys have almost $800 worth of my money THAT YOU SAID WOULD COME BACK TO ME.

Can you cancel the check? Make a new one? 

-No.

-I’m sorry, but it’s our policy, I’m sorry he had it wrong, I wish there was something we can do. Maybe try calling your new lender?

Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME WELLS FARGO!!!

I really don’t know what on earth I am going to do now. I get paid once a month, and certainly don’t “save” $800 a month, because my bills are so high.

I need a freaking miracle.

 

Boston Marathon Bombing… Tragedy and New Relationships

Hey readers.

So, first off, I know it might sound cheap to tie in the Boston bombings with a dating blog. But I promise you, there’s a lot of meat to take out of this post if you’re willing to read it all. This is all very real to me. I live in one of the original towns that was shut down before the mayor locked down the whole city. We were told not to leave our houses.

[Friday, April 19th, 2013 — A Rude Awakening]

6:00 AM. I’m not even awake yet. My phone text message sound goes off. Then it goes off again. “Stay inside!!” “OMG are you okay?!?!”   …. What.  The. Fuck.

I turn on the news. I see there’s a shoot out, one of the bombers is dead along with a police officer, and he’s at large in the town next door 8 minutes away from my house. I wake up my roommate. We start freaking out. Seriously? 8 minutes away. My place of work shuts down, they tell us to work from home, etc.

And I’m watching the police and SWAT and FBI set up camp at a place I go to regularly, at an intersection I’m at several times a month, and used to be at daily. I’m seeing the pictures on Twitter and Facebook of police with big guns searching for the at-large man.

A song from a childhood TV show goes through my head:

It’s a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood, a beautiful day in the neiiiighborhood…won’t you be my neighbor?

I realize how inappropriate this is, and I can’t believe that’s how my mind decides to process what’s going on.

Not knowing what else to do, my roommate and I ended up going to work cleaning the place because, what else are we going to do?

And so I’m watching / obsessed with all the coverage…I mean, I’m listening to scanners (until they were shut down online), I’m watching reddit.com, I’m watching the news, I’m searching Twitter.

[Damsel in Distress]

I call the new man. He wasn’t up yet, and after hearing everything he goes “aww my poor damsel in distress” -but not in a mocking way. It was sweet. Later that day, he would tell me his dad suggested to him he get his gun and come be with me for the day. My personal hero.

And that’s the millionth time this week he’s been there for me. 

[What Happened This Past Sunday/The Awesomeness of Having an Alcoholic Mother]

If you read my last post, you know that on Sunday night, I got a call from my mom around 10:30 at night of her telling me she got pulled over for …whatever reason and failed the field sobriety test. I live in Massachusetts, and she already has 2-3 DUIs.

She also refused the breathalyzer. Which is about 5 years, most likely, loss of license; and also they will be trying to throw her in jail.

It’s my own mother. You only get one, and here she is possible facing jail time. It’s crushing. It’s not like she hasn’t “sobered up” more times than I can count, she just doesn’t STAY sober. 

Now, my family is an immigrant family, and I’m the oldest child. My parents are divorced, which means most of this falls on me. And let me tell you, that is a heavy, heavy cross to bear. A few years after college I tried to distance myself, but unless she as a boyfriend at the time there is nobody else to answer the calls, go to the hospitals, and basically clean up the mess she makes of her own life. (My little sister who is 7 years younger than me trie to help this time, so that was nice to have someone else on my team–but my brother, who is 2.5 years younger, always gets very angry and disappears.)

If you have ever been close to an alcoholic, you know it takes over your life when you are trying to fix theirs. 

Anyway. With the help of my therapist I managed to stay relatively uninvolved this time…so far, but it was really hard to sit and do nothing. Instead of trying to fix everything, this time I tried the concept of tough love.

And let me tell you, the new man… was amazing. He listened to me for hours on the phone, gave his own thoughts on things, and I actually found his thoughts unoffensive and caring and they added insight. In the past, when I’ve chosen to talk about my mom, a guy’s response will usually create a distance between us because I will sense that he doesn’t get it, or what the guy is saying will make me feel more alone, and not supported. Above all, I could tell my the things this man was saying and how supportive he was that he cares about me.

Actually, it was his birthday on Monday — yes, the same day the Boston Marathon bombing happened; and in the midst of the onslaught of people telling him happy birthday and his family calls / concerns about the bombing — still, he wanted to know how I was doing with what was going on with my mom. He put me first. Because he knew, my mom’s drama, and then the very next day a city-stopping terrorism act, is a lot for a girl to handle.

I have never felt so loved or cared for by someone not in my family, in my life.

At the end of the day, in regard to the marathon bombings, he said to me

I’m glad I had you to talk to. 

My heart melted.

And both of these types of events — a family member facing jail, and a terrorist act a little too close for comfort — can be “now or never” events for new relationships. They can either bring you closer, or highlight how not-close you are, and potentially push things apart because you find out, it’s not quite what it *should* be. And in this case, for the first time, I’m on the same page as someone..I have someone to talk to. I don’t feel judged, and I feel accepted. I have a “person” (Grey’s Anatomy reference). And he is emotionally intelligent enough to handle how complex my life can be with my mom, and I care for him as much as he seems to care for me.

I mean, this is someone who has qualities I want on my team. You know? You’re just like, yeah, you — you would be good to have around.

With the distance between us, even though I was not sleeping well because of what happened with my mom, the man and me weren’t planning on seeing each other til yesterday night (Friday night) anyway. Thank God we were, because, I just needed to touch him after all that. To be sure of him. You know? So, around 4 PM both my roommate and I were going completely stir-crazy, and there were a lot more cars around than earlier in the day, so she decides to go do her thing and I decide to leave early to go see my man…meaning, technically I left my house before it was OK.

About 30 mins later they lifted the lock-down, so it worked out OK (And no, I wasn’t in Watertown, or I wouldn’t have even tried it).

[Away from the City]

I get down to his place, and it’s like I’m on vacation. He lives very close to a wildlife reserve close to the cape, so it’s completely different than out here. And he has steaks going on the grill, potatoes boiling, spinach and broccoli sautee-ing, and salads started. We say our hellos and he offers me a glass of wine.

It just felt like, life came back together.

And then, before we sit down to eat, I see on his TV that they apprehended the still-living bomber. All was right with world once again, if only for a night.

So, about 90 mins after he leaves me side, the drama with my mom happens, and then the Marathon bombings; and then within 45 minutes after we get back together, they capture the bomber. … just saying.

During dinner, he happens to tell me he hasn’t made a steak dinner for a girl in a VERY long time. So that made me feel extra special. It’s things like that. He just knows how to make me feel special, I guess.

After dinner, we went to relax in his hot tub, which is beautiful and in-ground just higher than the pool. Of course, that’s not the only thing we did in the hot tub.

[The Inappropriate Part]

Reverting to my normal, slightly inappropriate self: Normally I don’t love hot tub sex. I’ve only done it a handful of times, but the motion of the water totally detracts from the motions of your bodies, but at the same time it’s such a sexy situation you can’t really turn it down. So I’m thinking, this will be fun, but kinda eh-sex-wise.

Boy, was I wrong. I don’t know how we worked it all out so that it ended up being, this much pleasure feels like I’m on drugs… and we both have some battle wounds to show for it.

[They Always Come Out of the Woodwork]

After, we were just sitting together in the warm, bubbling water talking, and the talk is just so natural. We’re talking about our “stalkers” as we call them — because it seems that events like a terrorist bombing will push anyone out of the woodwork who cares about you, even if it’s in a twisted way. 

In my case, it was a guy I’ve been hooking up with for years, who really I always thought we should date but he is veryyy commitment phobic, and last time things got a little too relationship-y and he dropped off the face of the earth from just after Valentine’s Day to yesterday. He actually said I should go over because there was strength in numbers. “Um, no.” “I was kidding.” OK…. and then a 2 am text saying I still can’t believe this shit.

In my man’s case, it was a girl he was sort of involved with before me, and had to break it off with because he just wasn’t into it, and she really was. Even told him it was OK if it wasn’t going to be anything, and a few weeks later he still broke it off because he felt bad about what was going on. This was a few months ago. Go figure. (Ladies, why do we undercut our own value like that?) She texted him today to ask if his family was OK. ??? Which he saw through in all of .5 seconds.

Him and I were talking about how nice it is to connect with each other on so many levels, and I said it is moving kind of fast but at the same time, I don’t mind it with him. It’s like a slow-fast, I don’t know if that makes sense.

Oh. OH. I forgot to mention: Thursday night on the phone the Meet the Parents thing came up. Yes, let me just recap THAT one for you…

[Let’s Play Meet the Parents!]

He is going to Maine with his fam for a week in September, right before a wedding (the one he invited me to after I invited him to one)…only this time, he asked me if I wanted to go with them for the week.

Gulp. 

So I end up asking if I would be meeting them sometime before this Maine event so it wouldn’t be a, meet-the-family-for-the-first-time-for-a-whole-week-on-an-island, type deal.

He said he would like me to meet them, def, but no rush – they live close to him, so whenever I feel ready.

So now, we started getting together on the 29th of March. Which means it hasn’t even been a month, but we’re already talking families.

Sometimes, it just feels right, I guess. Although it seems fast, we’re both on the same page – and I guess that’s what makes it right. I don’t feel that sense of rushing things, either. It doesn’t feel like I’m jumping in the deep end. More like, when you go scuba diving — if you’re a beginner they walk you in from the shore, and you stay on the ground of the sea and suddenly they’re telling you to go back up, and you look up and realize you’re 40 feet under water. That’s how it is with this guy. Things got deep, fast. And I didn’t even notice.

[Making Love]

Back to hot tub … so we’re talking about how well things are working between us, and he’s saying he likes how we don’t HAVE to talk about us at all, it just works and we are just enjoying ourselves.  I agree with him. It just works. And how we’re both kind of impressed by how strong the physical attraction is.

For me, it’s not just like I want him, I just, like..need him. Physically. Ha. He has said more than once I make him feel like a 21 year old again.

So we start at it again… and this time it’s slow and sensual and the type of tender, emotionally-close sex that only comes after resolving a big fight or …. bonding and coming closer over national tragedies and showing someone the skeletons in your closet and having them accept you and still choose to stand by you, anyway. The kind that feels like making love.

[In Conclusion…]

310703_535246176547093_1348722104_nSo after all of this…all being, the bombings, and mentally wrestling with the idea of my mom potentially going to jail, and him being so amazingly supportive and caring… what it brought me to conclude is really what we all hear every now and then — to make the most of every day. You just don’t know how long you have, and yet we all fall into this belief that we can do whatever we want for however long we want, and we will be able to see the people we love whenever we feel like it assuming they aren’t suffering a physical health issue.

And yet. 

We just can’t keep forgetting that we really don’t know if we have tomorrow or not. Now, I don’t think anyone should live in fear … but, life really is about finding people that will be a part of your inner circle… you know what I mean, the people that make your life *worth* it. And then making sure they know that, and planning fun things that make you happy but ALSO enjoying all the small things that put a smile on your face, and trying to cram as many of those into a single day as you can (while still living responsibly, of course).

…which I guess is kind of why I started this blog. Because, until you have it, it feels like something is missing. At least it did for me. You don’t know quite WHAT is missing, but something feels…shallow. Like, not a complete existence. Don’t beat me up for saying that, I promise you I tried to make my life as full and complete as possible without a man. But I guess what I’m saying is, without love — the real, consuming, my life is all shimmery now, type of love, it feels like you’re just wading around in the kiddy pool killing time while there’s an Olympic pool full of life right next door, but you’re just not invited.

And yes, finding the right person is so difficult in some ways. Personally, I’ve definitely thought more than once about giving up on dating altogether. 

And yet.

Something always kept me fighting to find it. To find what I have with him, this man. Right now, it only exists in moments, but I am so thankful for what we have shared so far… it reminds you, of what you’re looking for. Why you try.

So my readers…if you haven’t found it yet… if you aren’t totally happy… you will, and you can be. It’s so hard to hear and believe when you’re not there, and I get that. But don’t give up. Don’t give up on giving yourself the chance to be amazed by what’s happening in your own life.

Who knows, it may not work out with this guy — I’m not a fortune teller — so maybe I’ll be back to my usual stories in a few months (I hope not!! :o) ) but this. This. THIS is what the crazy dating journey is all about.

“Don’t Touch My Love Handles” “I Like Them” “That Makes One of Us”

Image

My blogtitle/conversation sound familiar, anyone? Now, as a disclaimer, I’m in fairly good shape, but I have a spoon shape aka figure 8 aka high hips body type so the top of my hips is my “troublespot”. 

So the recent exchange made me laugh, because it’s the type of thing you only say when, one, you’re comfortable enough with someone to make fun of yourself, and two, he’s obsessed with your body anyway. And by the way, his response to that makes one of us was, “oh stop”.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me provide you with an update on my life.

The last post was 10 days ago. Obviously, I was nervous about spending so much time with this guy (hockey tournament=weekend away). But, I saw my therapist (who is amazing) and she when I was telling her I didn’t know if I wanted to, and I was nervous, and didn’t how how I felt, and she’s all saying we should be exclusive if we’re doing weekends in hotels, and I’m like I don’t know if I’m ready for that, and she goes: “That’s a bold-faced lie. You’re totally smitten.” 

And I was like…Oh. WELL then.

So then I just let go of my little hang-ups and got excited. And I actually struggled through an awkward conversation with the man about why I had responded kind of weirdly to his invite for Saturday (it was a, “yeah maybe”  “if you have other plans or want to do something else with your friends its cool”  “no it’s not that… i’ll just…think about it” ) which went into a semi-long convoluted thing about why weekends away with men I’ve dated are not (well, have not been) a source of happiness.

Recap: 

  • Weekends away with the cage fighter ended with him not talking to me on a silent, long car ride home.
  • Weekend away with a summer fling last year started with him ignoring me the week up to it, and part of the weekend, and me getting drunk enough to flip out at him for it –and by flipping out I mean pouring a beer on his head and trying to storm off and get my friends to pick me up, but the problem with that was we were on a small island on Lake Winni and ..there are no roads for me to storm off to. So, I gave up fighting the woods and had to walk back and sort of patch things up, apologize for the beer dumping but not for what caused it (his actions) and things basically didn’t work out after that. Although he did ask to see me once more, things were great, and then he didn’t talk to me for two months more until his birthday. OK.

Anyway.

The man was totally cool and understanding about everything relating to why I was weird about the weekend intially. I agree to the weekend.

During the week we are talking til like 12, 1 am regularly by this point on the phone. He lives about an hour and a half away, so the phone talking is necessary.

About “The Talk” I was supposed to have, I was going to. Really, I was, ….but over the phone seems weird. And we were going to try for dinner but then scheduling didn’t work out. I mean, Wednesdays are weird… 😉 (<—funny excuse commercial, watch it if you have time).

[The Weekend Begins]

So Friday rolls around, and let me tell you this guy thinks of EVERYTHING. First, he says he can put his dog’s cage in his SUV for my puppy, but for me to bring blankets since he doesn’t have any for her. Then, he texts me the address of the rink complete with a link to the google maps directions

WHAT? …Way before I even had a chance to ask. 

I drive up, am greeted by him, then five seconds later a whole room full of hockey players, with a sprinkling (read: two other) of women. The manager greets me by saying, “Hi, I’m so and so, I’m a scorpio, I like long walks on the beach, and you can sit with me” and they all laugh and I blush and am like…. oh boy.

…what did I agree to. But, my boy was cool, we just sat with one of his good friends who’s gf was also coming down, so from there it wasn’t too bad.

Then we go back to the room, grab some things, and go out with some of his teammates. It was a fun night. He doesn’t like to dance, though. And I do, so at one point I said, you know, you can’t date me forever and not dance with me sometimes, and he said, I know. But, nobody else was dancing, so I understand why he didn’t want to. LOL.

A little bar hopping, a little socializing, and then we end up back and the hotel. 

Now, we haven’t gone there yet (there being…there..being, heyoooo), so this is a little bit of pressure being a hotel and all, and… one thing leads to another. I was a little nervous about how it would be considering he’s the one that said we shouldn’t the first time we got together. (This is now date four.) And a girl’s gotta wonder, what red-blooded American male says no?  Even if he said, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we should wait, but for all the right reasons.”

Back to the hotel room: things happen, and I’m happy to find out that he’s still the best guy at going down town I’ve ever encountered (like, where the heck did he learn all that) and that his other skills are on par. Good. I can work with this, I think. (Sorry, bad sex would be a big stumbling block for me…and then maybe a deal breaker if it didn’t improve.)

Then we almost have sex the next morning before game 2 of the hockey tournament. They played like crap, but won. So, we have sex after the tournament instead (ha, ha) and…wow. wow. wow.

It was funny though, because during our second hookup session, housekeeping knocked not once, but twice; reception called not one, not twice, but three times (and I answered the first two times)… so, yeah a bunch of interruptions.

But back to round two. This kid has details down that I did not know about. He’s all telling me, put this leg straight and move this one here. And I’m like, sure. And then a few seconds later…oooooh my god. 

Second game of the day they win (yay) which means they are heading to the finals, so we decide to stay for saturday night too, since the game is early the next day.

We were out really late Saturday night, well no, actually we weren’t, but i froze my butt off Saturday night since they like to sit and drink around a campfire, which at first was cool but by 9 pm with a low of like 30’s I was unhappy with. So no nookie for him that night, haha, cause we were both exhausted and I was basically falling asleep at the fire anyway. 

Sunday: The finals game is super close but they lose. He played really well, and so did one other guy, but everyone else was sloppy. Coach is pissed because they should have won. We all hang out for a bit and then head home, he comes back to my place to spend the day with me.

We end up spending all of Sunday in bed. Hahahahaha. Like, sex, nap, sex, nap, dinner. 

[The Talk]

And, before dinner, and after stumbling with how to bring it up for a good half of the day, I blurt out, Are you seeing or talking to anyone else? And he goes, no. 

PAUUUSEEEEEE

“Ok, well now that we’re sleeping together, I’d prefer that we keep it that way…”

“Yeah I feel you. I mean, I’m assuming you’re not seeing anyone else either”

well, oh, OKay then lol glad to know you weren’t worried.

“Plus I wanna see where things go with us you know?

“Yeah I feel you”

Pause.

“So, just so we’re clear, that means taking down Match.”

(He laughs). “I haven’t been on recently anyway.”

“Good.”

(so we’re laying in bed, he’s spooning me, and starts running his hands over my hips and kind of playing with the little love handles I have, which is where us girls are all soft – and if you don’t have love handles GFY 🙂 )

“Don’t touch my love handles!!” (I laugh)

“I like them!”

“Well that makes ONE of us”

“Oh stop” 

🙂

And then we go out for sushi.

….and after the most blissful weekend I’ve had in a long time, the phone rings at 10:30 pm.

“It’s your mom. I’m in jail. I’ve been pulled over because my headlights weren’t out. I had a drink with lunch. I failed the field sobriety test and I refused the breathalyzer. I have the bail money in my account, but I can’t get to it. Do you know anyone who has $5,000 they can get to for bail?”

 

Dear Self:

Dear Self:

Some things gon’ have ta change ’round here. So, I know we’ve had a rough few years in the dating department – actually, it’s been one heck of a learning experience the entire ride so far (and yes, during a breakup if someone says well what did you learn from it? I want to punch them in the face – wrong time, buddies) – but we’re going to have to make some adjustments.

That’s right. We’ve been thinking about our future, and if we keep going on the current path the project future is not looking bright if you’d like to be in a successful long term relationship that leads to marriage. We also realize that you’ve had to adjust and put up walls and learn some great defensive tactics to let people in but not *really* so that when they inevitably leave, it doesn’t hurt as much (at least, that’s what we keep telling ourself).

However, it appears that there is a new man in your life who is ordering from a different menu, so what you’ve been serving up just isn’t going to cut it. You can adapt, step up to the plate, or choose to kick out the customer – BUT, this customer might be the caliber of person you’ve been trying to attract.

OK, so said person threw you a curve ball today and one-upped the “come to my hockey tournament” invite with, “we could also chill saturday night” meaning, this turns into a friday night, saturday, saturday night, and possibly sunday date. 

Big Leagues. 

So you didn’t know how to respond, since this one is not in your playbook, and although you liked the idea, it doesn’t seem to you like a natural transition from going on a few dates to Marathon Date. In fact, you’re used to once, twice a month dates, and even the last guy who ended up being not for you overwhelmed you with wanting to get together during the week.

But guess what missy, unless you seriously want to be the Crazy Dog Lady then you need to start also connecting with people on a close level that enables them to hurt you. 

To top it off, you were able (with your limited relationship communication skills) to explain to Mr. Reality Check why you didn’t respond with a “yah sounds great” or a “no thanks” and were kind of left with a “well, hmm, idk, yeah” type response, which isn’t so promising. And when you bumbled through your story about less-than-awesome guys who wouldn’t give you their time (so you’re not used to it) or invited you to a weekend away and then freaked themselves out and stopped talking to you, or ended up giving you the silent treatment on the way home, and how the bottom line is you like the idea but are apprehensive, he handled it like a champ and simply said what is wrong with these guys, and, you sure pick winners.

And then after a little more listening he said, it sounds like you fall too easy, and you responded with how sometimes people are really good at projecting who they want you to see to get to you, and then the real deal comes out 2-3 months later…at which point he told you he was impressed with you for being able to walk away and cut things off when it’s not what you want.

And he told you he hasn’t been excited to see someone the way he is with you in a long time. 

And you are excited to see him, but you’ve been there done that and seen it fail so many times its hard for you to believe in a happy ending these days.

But missy, you’ve got to give it a chance. He has more potential than any of the schmucks you usually get naked with. And he’s seen you stressed out, walked through a messy house, has met your crazy puppy and he STILL thinks the sun blows out your ass.

So, you’ve got to bring your emotional walls down, at least a little bit, and see if you can move out of your singleton ways to possible explore a real, lasting relationship with this guy. It’s not gonna happen if you don’t invest the time, I’ll tell you that right now.

Let’s wrap this up with a quote from Juno:

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.