finally – the miss you too text!

I had an appt with my therapist today  — gotta tell you, if you find the right one they are SO helpful. Advice is way more on point than friends and it just helps you feel so much better. I caught her up on my life, and specifically with Sky, and she encouraged me to act out of love instead of fear, and tell him how I feel – short message – hey, thinking of you, miss you

So that’s what I sent. and I FINALLY got a sign of light at the end of this weird tunnel – finally he wrote miss you too (and more about how he’s busy today). So then I sent him another message about how I’m excited to see him soon, a little nervous since it’s been so long but excited. (that was my therapist’s initial advice).

I feel like half the weight was just lifted from my shoulders ::bliss::

Lesson? Sometimes you have to put your own emotions aside – especially if they are stopping you from taking action – and decide to act out of love despite your personal feelings and despite fear.

And relationships are give and take, but sometimes one person does a lot more of the giving and sometimes the other person does.

Credit for those thoughts mainly goes to my rockin therapist 😀

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What if relationship stress is really just a test based on personal fear?

To update you on Sky – well, he did text me this morning (yay!) – more about, how he’s tired, and then what he did with at work that morning. We went back and forth a tiny bit – not much – but better than nothing. I told him I was proud of his work ethic or something like that (trying to be supportive) and said something about how it can’t be easy. Conversation dropped off after a bit.

Mid-afternoon I sent him a message to ask how his day was going, answer was something along the lines of still busy…

And nothing since.

Of course, a million thoughts have been going through my mind. Like, is the writing on the wall? Is he gently blowing me off? What on earth is going on with this upcoming wedding I’m supposedly going to? Is he even still coming back home? Is there someone else?

…all the typical insecure female thoughts.

And then: What am I going to DO about it all?

Options are: Try to talk to him. Some people would say the obvious thing is to call him but – I’m a wimp, and I’m scared, and I feel like if he can’t even really text or message, why would he want to talk on the phone. Plus, he has not answered and not called back before.

Or, not talk to him. Let him talk to me.

It seems like not talking to him would be the worst thing to do in this situation given the upcoming trip. I decided to not be invasive and be extra loving (though he doesn’t deserve it really right now). It’s the complete opposite of my normal thing.

As far as the wedding… my mindset is, normally if you have plans with a man and it hasn’t been confirmed really recently then you act like it’s not happening. But this is an event. And he asked what kind of food I wanted. And booked a hotel room for two nights.

Thus, I must act like it is happening – but – not go out of my way to prepare for it (no additional outfit, hair, accessory, or makeup related purchases) and, not be surprised if it doesn’t happen for whatever reason.

I do feel a little bit like a pushover, since normally I’d be all quiet and well, screw-you then attitude (not really, I’d be upset, but I’d be all I AM NOT TALKING FIRST!). And honestly… at times it really hurts. I’ve been crying on and off for the past few days, but today I feel my mindset has settled a bit. I ended up on this:

What if this right now, it’s all a test? 

To either show me how I can choose to handle things, when I don’t really know what’s going on. What if everything really is fine, and he really is just super busy and not a great communicator, and I’m not in his day-to-day musts so I fall off the agenda. That plus, what if this is military life as an officer? Retardedly long days for days on end sometimes.

And instead of considering that, I immediately jumped to the worst option – dooms day – and made my own life hard, when perhaps that was unnecessary? Sure, he could handle his affairs with me better (in my opinion) – but what if, a week from now, or two-ish weeks from now he’s back here and things are fine, and I made myself miserable mostly because of my own thoughts.

Just passing time until then I suppose… Positive thoughts. ❤

I’m still alive! Getting Back On Track Here…

I hate when you watch a movie or your favorite TV show and the finale episode is on and … you have to know what happens next but then you have to wait such a long time!

Well, I basically did that here-and I apologize. To update: I’m now 31. The guy who I mentioned in the last post, we dated for 8 months and I finally broke up with him end of November 2014. He ticked a lot of the right boxes, but ultimately he was *so* mean to me when he was mad or upset or drunk that it was verbal abuse. And it didn’t get better. I tried to break it off twice before he could no longer convince me out of it. He also had road rage, and didn’t get along well with most people. I know, red flags, But he was so damn charming and cute when he wanted to be! To give you an idea of how much my wants/thoughts/desires didn’t matter, though I blocked him on most ways possible to block a person, he decided to show up at my house a few weeks ago – yep, MONTHS after I broke it off – to try to ask why we couldn’t be friends. Get a hint!

The last time (when we did break up) was also partially because someone came back into my life who had always had a special place, in a way. You know your first boyfriend/girlfriend ever, how they will always be special to you? That guy. 

That guy.. we will call him Sky. Well, Sky and I “dated” (if you can call it that) at 15. He’s a year younger, I think I was 15 because I think I was learning to drive. Anyway, we met because my family had a lake house near his friend’s lake house – so when summer was over, neither of us could drive and one day we decided we should break up because he forgot to call me when cheering practice ended because he had a school dance or was talking to some girls after soccer practice or something like that. Silly, but very serious high school reasons. 🙂

Now, over the years we stayed in touch, at times closer than others. We had a thing about who says exes can’t be best friends. There were days I called him crying over some guy and he’d be there for me until I calmed down. He got married at one point, and I didn’t know about it until the point in time he called me (which he never did) to ask my opinion on a situation — basically she was textbook crazy and he ended up getting divorced three months in. We were the type of friends who could not talk for months, years, but would always be there for each other if needed.

At times did I wonder if there was more there? Yes. He was attractive as a teen and is a very attractive grown man. He is attractive in ways that are beyond physical, those qualities you look for in people – he has a lot I like. So sometimes my thoughts would be like, go for him! But I’d be afraid of ruining the friendship and also I wasn’t sure he felt that way about me; or if my feelings were driven by feeling vulnerable and would evaporate as I got over my hurt feelings from someone else. Plus, he’d be in and out of long-term relationships.. so we were rarely, if ever, single at the same time. When we got older, I avoided drinking with him because I’d say the attraction tension was thick enough at times I was afraid I’d make a fool of myself and ruin the friendship. He invited me to fly out and go visit him over the years, but I Neither of us crossed that line. I was also stubborn in believing that no way could the guy I met at 15 be the one for me, there had to be someone I was yet to meet! Sky and I had always agreed if we didn’t find other people we’d get married, first at 25, then 27, then 30… etc.

He’d make it a point to get in touch when he would be home for a bit – Sky is in the Army – we’d grab a drink or dinner and go to a movie. We’d stay in touch on facebook chat. Etc. etc. But never that close if either one of us was dating someone.

Then, this past November I got a message, we chatted, he was coming home. He brought up seeing each other and I realized my now ex-boyfriend would never let that fly, and likely throw (yet another) fit. We were already having problems, as I mentioned, and I realized I was more upset at not being able to see Sky than pissing off my “boyfriend”.

To top that off, about a week after Sky messaged me, I had a vivid dream of my wedding reception. But it was to Sky. Not my boyfriend. A week or so later I brought it up to Sky and he told me he has had the same dream for years, after talking. And that it made sense since we always said we would. He told me he finally saw I felt the way he did when I told him I was more upset at not being able to see him than at pissing off my now-ex… and while part of him knew I’d be back eventually, another part of him never thought it would happen. He was pretty damn happy, as he told me he had been in love with me the entire time. To this day he will tell me I have always had him, though I am quick to point out he got married and was in several multi-year relationships. He says, he found ways to be happy, but it always seemed like there was something missing.

The story gets good here – and it’s not just some fairytale so while that would be wonderful it’s not entirely realistic. 🙂 It’s a good story now though..

The ex and I had planned a cruise. Before all the feelings were out, I had the wacky idea to invite Sky on the cruise with me. What better way to see if there are sparks and have a blast than on a tropical cruise with your best guy friend?! Even if you hadn’t been that close in a while…what could possibly go wrong, right? 😉

Sky was all in, and rushed getting a passport in order to make it happen. I literally thought a real-life fairy tale was happening. How sweet, right? First love, is the one all along?!

Well, haha while the first day or three of the cruise was wonderful…and umm…bedroom stuff was intense (we had never hooked up like that as kids) — he started to have some serious second thoughts when he learned who I am today. It is also a lot of alcohol, maybe being too loud, etc, and then take him being Army since 18 and he is all order and respect and social graces – well – he realized he didn’t know me as well as he thought. I think I had more realistic expectations going into it since I had only allowed myself to fully feel what I felt for him recently, whereas he had years of daydreaming or thinking about things. Bottom line: we are on a boat together, for a week, and he’s telling me he’s not sure about things, and I’m drunk, and just came off a relationship, and now my fairy tale is crashing down, and I can’t talk to my friends, and…drunken mess.

We came out of the cruise …kind of like going through a scary crash course. As the woman, I’m naturally more relationship and hope inclined. He wasn’t sure what on earth to do now since, him being stationed 1,000 miles away – well – long distance. Which he said made sense if the cruise went well, but it didn’t quite go as planned. Not bad enough to cut it off, but … not good enough to jump on in.

He was home for another week or two, and I saw him once more, it was a nice date but he wouldn’t quite kiss me goodbye – obviously mixed feelings, and that can’t be easy or fun. I was crushed.

But he kept texting me and I went down one weekend, using an early birthday gift as an excuse/reason to spend the money to see him, and we had what I thought was a great weekend 🙂

But, once again, he saw some little things he decided to be picky about and went on a rampage unsure of if I was the person he knew me as, and he basically spun out of control. It was bad. And then he disappeared on me.

Yep, he pulled the houdini. The disappearing man.

Normally I’d let it go, but with 15 years of past I decided to grab the bull by the horns and I wrote him a long message (think long text) about where the heck did this all come from, and…. he didn’t respond. Nothing. I was floored. This was NOT the guy I had loved so much over the years. Yes, we already had said I love you as best friends many times.

So I knew something was up…and not to buy his withdrawal. His actual birthday I put my pride aside and reached out to say happy birthday – he responded, but barely. And then back to nothing. This time, I let it go. no fighting.

It hurt. Like a bitch. But I knew something was going on in his head and he had to come to terms with things, and there was nothing I could do.

Beginning of March, I get a message. One of those, just testing to see if you still talk to me messages. And he has a much more rational view of things, wants to work on communication, wants to spend more time together, was all about it again. That lasted about a month – second month he got much less affectionate through talking and I was an anxious wreck. Then, what i dreaded was going to happen, happened — and he stopped talking.

I tried to talk to him once – and he ignored me. And I didn’t try again. I knew the dramatic what is going on here didn’t work, so again it hurt like a bitch and I let it go.

May was silent.

June.. he makes a comeback again. I get his first message and decide to wait it out a bit. Besides, he ignored me for a month no reason for me to trip over myself to respond to a text. Then, I get a facebook message. and when I arrived at work, I saw I had another message on another forum – from the day before – (hehe, he still doesn’t know I didn’t see that message) — so of course I responded. This time the comeback is even stronger than before, and the week we started talking again he had somehow found out my address and sent flowers to my home, with a message personal and sweet… During the March/April “togetherness” I had decided I would let him say I love you again first, but he didn’t. But when i got the flowers and saw the note my heart just burst open, because to me – that was the guy who had made me think twice about why we were “just” friends all those years. He had once, as friends, surprised me with flowers when some guy broke my heart. Just to make me smile and show he cared. 24 multi-colored roses.  This time, the arrangement was classier and different, some roses but also hydrangeas and I think some daisies, with a nice vase – more grown up. I called him right away, and told him I loved him – he said it right back and told me he was trying to “suck less”.

Each time he has chosen to come back and pursue this relationship as much as one can from 1,000 miles away with a demanding job, things have gotten better and better. Each time it feels more and more “real” to me. We are hitting a stride.

He dipped again a bit, but this time at the advice of a friend, I put more effort in to encourage him, being affectionate and flirty and not letting myself be hurt that he wasn’t returning my text-kisses. But then we turned a corner, and we are back.

… and we are still in progress. He brought up coming home again, and is trying to work it out. I haven’t seen him since end of January, and we’ve had stretches here and there of not talking. But when we are on, we talk via some chatting method almost all day long. And now, we also talk on the phone maybe a few times a week. Sometimes one or both of us is too tired and we sleep.

I honestly don’t know what will happen between us. I’m really looking forward to seeing him again and I think it will really help us figure out if this is the right relationship for us and if we should keep investing as much time as we have – and more. Because, if I’m really going to do long-distance, then I want to see someone more than every 6+ months, haha.

We do talk about the future, and we dream together about “someday” – but we have yet to build a roadmap or solid plan of when someone (most likely me) moves.

Okay, switching gears. This is a dating blog. I want to express what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown – I can’t tell you this is “the solution” or the golden bullet to finding a good relationship, but I think everyone can benefit from some nuggets I’ve picked up along the way:

  • If it’s not right… it’s not right. No amount of questioning, or stressing, will make it right, so your best bet is to do everything in your power to teach yourself how to let it go and be happy with your life in that moment.
  • Make sure you have other things going on that make you happy besides your relationship. Those things will be your floaties that keep you afloat if things should turn for the worse.
  • Meditation, and self-help/growth, can make all the difference in the world.
  • Work on whatever it is you believe. I believe in God. I try every day to work on my faith and trust that if things are meant to work out they will.
  • Be brave. Be confident. If you are afraid to talk to the person you’re dating about what they want, then there’s an issue. It’s not easy. But you need to be solid in the knowledge that you deserve to have what you want, and the relationship you want. And if this person you like/love so much is not the person, there will be/IS someone else for you.
  • But don’t push. And don’t rush. Most of all, don’t bring things up out of insecurity or fear.
  • Yes, actions do matter more than words. But men/guys can be just as afraid of doing the wrong thing as we are. Sky didn’t ever bring it up because he didn’t want to risk the friendship. And he’s a cautious person emotionally – especially given what he’s been through. So words matter too.
  • The people who write blogs promoting programs and e-books and sell dating programs costing hundreds of dollars and have hard and fast this-and-that rules…are mostly trying to sell something. There is no hard and fast rules to dating, relating, romance, and – different things work for different people.
  • The best thing you can possibly do if you are struggling in the romantic area of your life is work on yourself. What do you wish would change? How can you change yourself to effect that change? Then work on it.
  • Realize that your happiness does not lie in anyone else’s hands but your own. Romance, having a special someone is great. But it’s not a sure thing — ever. Even marriages end. If it doesn’t end, someone will die first. You’ve got to make *yourself* happy first.
  • Listen to your heart. Sometimes, you feel / know what’s best and right for you. Given Sky’s weeks of silence, some of my friends thought I was batshit crazy to even give him the time of day. But I knew him from before.. I know that’s not really who he is… and I knew my heart still wanted him. So I was tough on him on return, I didn’t let him walk on me per say, but I also did what would make me happy — not what my friends said.
  • On that note, no matter what you decide there is always risk when it comes to love. 😉