So I guess it’s over – but No Regrets. I gave it my all.

Hello all, (or more realistically – hello nobody reading this except me until sometime in the future when I want to look back and see how far I’ve come?)

Welp. I sent Sky two more messages since my last post. Once was the weekend after the last post – the house he used to stay in/at when we met had been taken down, and I was visiting my family’s place so took a pic and sent it to him – we went back and forth for a few lines, he said it was sad and that was about it.

But, no messages from him.

Ugh. Things got so bad. Like, really. I mean, 24-hour zombie took over my body living status. No Fucks Given about Anything. Including eating, which meant I lost a couple pounds (yippee) — but then I started eating like crap, cause I figured it was better than eating nothing. And now I’m slowly going back to normal. I even started going to the gym again (yayyy, me) and faced a stern talking to by my less-than-pleased trainer who now thinks I’m a quitter. I told him I was going through some stuff and was back now, but he was a skeptic. Sidenote: My trainer is so hot. But he’s all happy in a relationship. And he’s like, 10 years younger than me or some shit. LOL. #cougarintraining

Anyway… scraping my way out of depressionville I went up to NH to hang with my Dad. Told him more details of the story. It was nice to let it all out. I’m the type who is generally there for everyone else, but not many people are there for me. Really, any, at times. Anyway, I ended up being inspired to send another message to Sky, one was more heartfelt. Short but sweet. Love you miss you type thing. But I sent it at 10:30 on a Sat night, so then I sent him another one the next day, explaining I meant it and some more stuff that was deep and kind of long. Not asking anything of him, but things I wanted to say and haven’t gotten a chance to, that I noticed about him.  I prayed on it, wasn’t sure if I was supposed to send it, but got an immediate answer “Yes” so I hit send.

According to the chat heads, he read it. And also, has not responded. O_o  but seriously, da fuq?

Like, you’re gonna take everything we’ve been through since last December, (that’s almost 10 months!!!!) come visit me finally, then just peace the F out on uncertain terms and drop it? What the heck was the point of all that time spent talking?

And what about the last 15 years of friendship? Like oh, I guess this isn’t going anywhere, I might as well just not talk to her. How about: we’ve been super close for a good chunk of the last year and I should talk to her and make sure she understands and doesn’t now hate me forever? Of course, I let him back in the past two times, why would he think there was any urgency this time — although there is a big difference in, he actually spent time with me. We went to a wedding together. Etc.

I also cancelled my Bitwine account (yay!) – I’m just done with the readers there. Honestly, I WAS so impressed with one of them, but her last two reads were all over the place, so I’m done. AAG’s  reads have been accurate, but timing has been off, and she’s expensive for the time. And she doesn’t see the bad stuff. And the final one who I like, she gets frustrated with me. She says it’s not me, it’s that she wishes the situation would get fixed faster, but her justifications were starting to bother me – like – she would say, the not communicating is cause he gets sidetracked and you play a part since he asked you to keep him on track. I say, but it should be both ways. And she says: it’s my expectations making me upset, but he’s the one who said we would “talk more soon” – almost a month ago. Being sidetracked and not doing what you said you were going to do (soon is relative – but not that relative) – that doesn’t really address a person not talking to you who supposedly loves you, even thought they think they can’t be with you. So. Apparently, not, huh?

On the bright side…

Skarlet (my intuitive I will stay with) explained what’s going on with him to me, that basically because of what he said he’s talking himself out of talking to me – sticking with his sentiments of, it can’t be a relationship since I live there and you live here type thing. But she says that thought will dissipate over time, he can’t get me out of his mind and never will be able to.

And if I don’t contact him he will surely contact me, as warm and fuzzies will start to bubble up in him and he won’t have time to talk himself out of trying to talk to me. And so on and so forth. But who knows when that will be…

She’s also got her prediction (and has said several times now) that this is the man I’m going to marry. She laughs cause she says I know you aren’t even talking, but that’s what I get. And that when it does come together, it won’t be me moving to get my own place; rather it would be, I know I love you and I want this to work, let’s move in together and if it does, let’s get married.

I wish I had emojis to use right now, but I don’t–so will just say, that while I would love it if it happens, I can’t really hitch my horse to something that has yet to even materialize haha insofar as we aren’t speaking. She does say, though, that it’s a long road and it won’t be a fairy tale (though we will have fairy tale moments) as this is a soul connection and those types of relationships are never easy. And she always said there was a back and forth energy that continues for a while — so I guess this is the “back”.

Well, anyway, we will see. I need to give myself time to heal, grieve what I thought we were building (and what we did build) and come to terms with..well, the reality of my new situation here. And the deep loneliness that goes along with that. I feel like I lost an arm or something. Like an actual part of me is missing. And I guess when all the dust really settles inside my aching heart (cue tiny violin) then I will know whether it’s time to put myself out there, really try, again.

Granted, I feel like that would take a really long time. Sky was the *one* person I thought I could count on for anything. He was the *one* person who literally, before we got involved, never let me down. I knew he cared about me SO much, and I always kind of used his love as a measuring stick for what I should search for in a man I would marry and/or choose to be with. Nobody ever really met his level of caring, and in some ways that’s why I thought it was never really truly right. Because when someone really truly cares about you, you can feel it.

So getting over THAT kind of …betrayal? Is that what this is? would naturally take a while. Honestly doubt I’d ever truly be the same. And I would even kind of think that then, I’d know things would never be the same. Like I’d be settling for some surface level interaction where I felt like they never truly knew or cared or loved me for all that I am. I’m sure I could find someone to be happy enough with and settle down eventually… but it’s like I’d be operating without my heart. You know?

Still. If Sky really is gone from my life and this was not meant to continue on, then I can’t honestly believe that God would want me alone, without a human companion, for my entire life.

I guess I can’t really have any regrets here though. I went after the man I had the deepest feelings for, for a long time, scared that he would be like “umm, no” and it turned out he felt even more than I did for a longer time. We felt the same, but different, as he knew on some level what he wanted – I didn’t. And then I gave it everything I had for a solid stretch of this year, even when he wavered and dropped off the face of the earth the previous two times, once for no apparent reason, and I was ready to give up everything to really give it a shot and move my life if it seemed like this was going to be the real deal.

I even told him that this past visit, in other terms, but it basically fell on deaf ears. No response. No real acknowledgement of what I said.

So, I guess I can’t regret that. Now I know, that he’s not the one who got away, since – well – I came back to him. It’s just that I have a real hard time believing most things he said to me, if this is how it is going down. If he really loved me that deeply, for that long, wouldn’t you want to actually be with the person? Really try? Not half-try and monopolize most of their time and their romantic life for the better part of a year and then just disappear?

It just doesn’t add up.

But anyway, that’s all the information I have, so that’s the only real conclusion I can make. The truth will come out eventually, it always does.

So yeah. No regrets as I’ve said. If we never speak again, I guess I can live my life knowing that I really did try with the person I thought was my truest love.

But as it stands, he wouldn’t be able to say the same. What we did this year- that’s not trying much. It’s talking. Growing close emotionally. But at a safe distance. So.

*I* would have no regrets. But he probably would. And I guess that’s not my problem, since I can’t control him.

So from here I guess I let time pass. Continue on with my life. Try to have fun, and enjoy what’s here in my day-to-day. Focus on being thankful for things. And eventually, if there is no more to be said here and our story is done, this will be a part of the past. My life will have new pages, and each page will bring me further away from what we were creating together. And then one day, I would decide to take my heart (or what’s left of it) and start again. I am a beautiful person, inside and out, and I have so much to give to someone. It wouldn’t be fair to keep my light to myself for all of my life just because the person I was so sure would never let me down, at least to that extent, did.

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One month and it’s over

One month and it’s over. Yep, while my goal is to have longer relationships, apparently I’m going the other way. JK, sort of — here’s the summary of the latest guy — had a ton of promise, and basically the shine started to wear off and I saw the real person. 

The person I thought I met was happy, secure, beat his past, and was on his way to living the best life he had ever had. 

The person I started to get to know, didn’t want to stay in his job (even though it’s the highest paying he can probably get given his background), started talking about being a fitness model or a bouncer or a rapper at 32 (and with a 12 year old daughter, btw); was cocky to the point of arrogant but also deeply insecure, would use sarcasm against me (I love sarcasm, but not when it’s aimed at me … then it’s hurtful… ), would take something I say and go three levels away with it to take something I said and make it a personal remark against him, when it wasn’t; so we were constantly explaining ourselves. 

The thing that did it, was, we became “official” because I started to think him not knowing where my head was at was causing problems. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, I just wasn’t sure yet. Anyway, he asked to sleep over on Wednesday night, on Tuesday. Said, I can’t wait to kiss and cuddle you, etc. 

On Wednesday, I ask him via text at lunch if he wants to watch the Sox game. He says, I don’t care I just wanna see you.  Also, by now I know that whenever he shows up he has never eaten first (even if it’s 2 pm on a Saturday) — so I figure out we’ll probably get dinner, so I’m coming up with ideas because one of the issues was he wouldn’t come up with plans. Nothing big, just oh maybe we’ll go to this Italian place i love and we haven’t been to. I skip the gym and clean my house once I get home from work to get ready for him coming over, shower, put on a cute outfit, etc. 

He gets here. Rolls up in light gray sweatpants, a hoodie, a red sox t, and a cap, brim flat and down low. I detest light gray sweatpants. And, he looks like a thug. So I’m like…. oooookay. I’m in heels and a long sleeve T dress and tights. 

So, he picks up on my ooookkay face and after kissing me hello (his breath was a little stinky btw) he says I’m upset and what’s wrong, so then I say well I just thought we would go out to dinner or something and you..show up in sweatpants. And he says I thought we were just going to chill. Not go out. I have to work at 5 I told you that. True, but we never said anything about not going out… at all. Also: we have never just “hung out” before. Especially not, show up in your PJs and roll. It’s only a month.

So then the argument starts, where he says he told me he just wanted to cuddle all night and I said, no, you didn’t…at least not what i heard… he said I told u I couldnt’ wait to kiss and cuddle you and all I wanted to do was see you! And I said, okay, but we always kiss and cuddle…. and its just a little awkward I’m dressed cute and you’re in sweats, I wish I knew I would have just worn sweats too…

and then, it’s, i feel like you’re saying i’m not worth it for you to get dressed up for. (that’s him saying that, not me).

and then, it’s, I can’t believe we’re fighting over sweatpants, do you want me to go by jeans? And, I say, no, it’s not the sweatpants, I just need you to communicate more next time, and him responding, I DID!

Then, it’s dinner at a low key pizza place, and him not looking at me the whole time (as in facing away from me, not just avoiding eye contact) because he is now “so uncomfortable” and he “can’t meet any of my expectations” and “i make him feel like an idiot” 

So then we revisit the issue we talked about the Monday before (yep, two days before that) about how many we are just too different and communicate so differently that it’s not going to work…nothing against either person… 

and him: it’s cool I’m used to things not working out for me. 

I’m not a fan of when people play the victim.

Then, we get back to my place so he can grab his stuff he brought for the sleepover, and all of a sudden he gets all calm and starts looking me in the eye. Like, forcing eye contact. Pleading. Being intense. And only when we were in my bedroom. And I’m kind of uncomfortable even more because I’m like, WTF< now that we’re in my room you will look at me????

So I say, that i know this might sound weird but I am hypersensitive because of what I went through (having been raped), and that I’m not feeling close to him after the super awkward dinner we just had, and that if he can just lay with me and watch TV without jumping on me then he can stay and maybe it’ll be good. 

He says, I can’t believe you think I’m just thinking about sex right now. I said, I never said that. And he tells me it’s messed up of me to say that, and walks into the hallway,  And then he says why should I not feel close to him after the dinner (like, ar e you serious?())

My friends said, if he was that defensive, he definitely was thinking about sex… and my therapist said, he had the opportunity to say, I’m not that guy, of course we can just lay there, esp after me being honest and vulnerable (it’s not easy for me to talk about when I feel weird about sex given being a rape victim, and in the middle of a fight) — 

and he left, and we haven’t talked since. 

I don’t miss him though. I liked the roses, and the door opening, but … what he brought to the table?  I felt like I was pulling way more weight as far as what I had to offer someone. And I need someone stable… I don’t want someone who swears every sentence, or who dresses like a thug. (He even said, “It’s not like I’m dressed like a wigger” …and I was like, well you kind of are. Minus gold jewelry.) Plus he doesn’t speak educated English…  he speaks like, rapper English.

So that’s to catch you up…. now I’m feeling a little sorry for myself, mainly because it seems like everyone else is settling down and I’m still searching. And I know all it means is it’s just not my time yet, or hasn’t been, but what I’d really like to know is WHY. And of course, when would be nice too. Instead of just seeing this road ahead of me that doesn’t include a husband, or a relationship, or family life…. 

I also feel like I’m getting so comfortable being single, I wouldn’t even know HOW to be with someone else, who wants to be close to me, in my life a lot… more than just here and there. My therapist says it won’t feel like work when it’s the right person… 

IDK. Thoughts?

 

QLC: It’s easier to date, than make new girl friends

Hi guys,

So one of the things I’ve been talking about with my therapist, that kind of has been a recurring theme, is the lack of really good friends in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but in some ways I feel like I have not to really be myself around them. One in particular is recently married, and a friend of hers I was also friends with is married, so their lives are now completely different than mine. When we get together for dinner or drinks, they don’t really want to talk about dating stories. In fact, with the recent break up, they said they really liked him and the girl I was / am closer with was really dissapointed that I made the decision. She actually “forgot” everything I told her and then asked if he was still coming to the couples dinner she arranged, and I said that would be a little akward, and she said no it wouldn’t, are you guys still together? And I was like…no, we broke up a week and a half ago. And she goes, oh, then why would you invite him.

 

Yep, that’s what I was *saying*. And those are the friends who have “moved” kind of far away. I have another friend who is the same distance away but in a different direction. She’s good, but very chatty — she also runs with a different type of crowd than I do. I am not completely shallow, but I do my part to make my hair, makeup (not ALL the time, but when I go out, etc), clothes, body etc look good. I care about appearances, I guess, and love her, but she doesn’t make it as much of a priority I suppose, and nor do the people she runs with.

As for local friends, again they are in serious committed relationships, if not engaged. Great gals, but once you’re in a twosome, your social schedule is filled with their stuff and your stuff, also, you’re not really thinking of going out for drinks staying out late, etc. Two are single, but flaky as heck. There’s one other girl who is super sweet, maybe I should try to develop a friendship with her more.

Anyway, as you can see, I have friends, but I don’t think I have any close friends. Mainly because our lives aren’t similar.

That’s another caveat to being almost 30 and single, I guess, is that by now a good number of you friends have graduated from the single thing, or the dating thing, to marriage and babies land, and they are kind of bored by your dating antics, where as you used to be able to drink wine together and talk about everything.

So as I said I’ve been talking to my therapist about this, and she says it’s probably one of the most common threads she talks about with her clients. Which is amazing to me, because I never hear about it from my friends, even “facebook friends” – which seem to have the time of their lives, all the time — but I’m not invited, for whatever reason. I actually got told at wedding once to stop dancing with a group of girls because I was too pretty and made them all look bad. I don’t know if they were serious, these girls were pretty too, and to be honest I don’t think I’m drop-dead gorgeous or anything. I’m OK, I hold my own, and I know I look good when I put effort in. But still, I’d rather be a part of that group of girls, than be kept out for that reason. HA!

She (therapist) then told me about websites women made with the express purpose of making women friends. Not dating, just friendship. There are two: girlfriendcircles.com and socialjane.com. Another one actually hits Google ranking higher, but it’s a crap website. You have to pay for both those sites, but I ended up joining girlfrindcircles.com because they take a slightly different approach, they try to arrange group meet ups so it’s not an awkward one on one thing. So, we’ll see how that goes.

I’m also just bummed out about how my life is right now, I have to find a new roommate and I really like my current roommate, and then obvy the breakup – it’s tough being single again, although I know it was the right thing to do. But I’ve been hit on three times already in the two weeks I’ve been single, no makeup, no effort, just out at a bar at trivia with my brother, his gf, and one of the friends mentioned above. And then at a concert the other week. Not totally amazed by either, although I agreed to get brunch with one and then blew him off.

There is also the guy upstairs, who I’ve been talking to. He seems super cool, but where you live things can be very tricky. Very easy to talk to though, down to earth. But I think he dips, which is gross.

Actually I feel better even just writing this all down. Sometimes, I feel like this “identity secret” diary is the only place I can really say my thoughts.