come to Jesus talk

So I had a long talk with him yesterday – it started because he said he couldn’t do dinner and then made a jab about money again, so I said I feel like I’ve been getting a vibe from him lately that he’s unhappy about the money situation, etc. So then he said he feels like I expect it, and in truth that’s not it at all – so eventually it got around to, where am I at with things, so, then I asked if we could talk on the phone.

We talked on the phone and rehashed what happened that Friday night and why, namely the argument we had about my business and him not really talking to me all week and breaking plans and then being in a bad mood when I got there, and he explained that at first he was like oh this will be really fun but his coworker had said to him, oh you know what this looks like right and he kind of freaked out about it (even though he didn’t use those words) – then he said that he’s not sure what he’s getting in to, because of that night, and even though he gets where I’m coming from it was still a little wacky for him.

Then he went on to say he hates PDA, and even the hello/goodbye kissing/hugging thing is too much for him, and that the daily texting is too much, and basically he’s feeling entirely overwhelmed.

So I pointed out that he came on really strong the first two weeks and that I was simply following pace, so he admitted maybe it was partially his fault, and I also said maybe with him I need to realize he hasn’t done anything even remotely close to dating – that’s why he was getting huffy about spending double the money he’s used to… blah blah blah

We also talked about us and where we are and basically it came down to, keep going how things are and we’ll see what happens. Only how things are is now going to have to be re-established. I brought up seeing other people and he said I should do what I want because he doesn’t know what’s going to happen yet and wouldn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity.

I think we’re back to square one. But I also got good insight into how scared of relationships he really is, and how easily guys can scare themselves – so that the key is to play it insanely cool, and keep all your emotions/affection under lock until you’ve got him hooked for sure. Some girls are like this naturally, but I am not, so this is my game plan.

But Mr. Skirdy Cat, no more texting/talking/whatever for you! The silence will be so loud he will make a you turn around faster than a boomerang. In the mean time, the ex who I really liked that got scared and ran away is back.

😀 Decisions, decisions

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The weekend trip….!!!!

Well, my nervousness wasn’t placated any and I found out the guy called me “just a highschool friend” and was in a bad mood on the way up there, so after way too much alcohol it all came to a head and I poured a beer on his head (!) for God knows what reason then tried to run away. LOL. Go figure…. but he was the one pouring the alcohol down my throat so…!!!

Anyways, needless to say we had to talk that out. Then Saturday was a lot of fun, except he kept digging at me — OK — and then Sunday was fine. It wasn’t “couple-y” like, not lovey-dovey and he wouldn’t let me take photos or anything, but we are new and maybe he was afraid with it being so couple-y that he was being pressured into more than he was ready for.

But so I hadn’t heard from him since the trip, and I’ve been beating myself up thinking I ruined it and that he’s never talking to me again and blah, then I realized everyone does dumb things when they are really really drunk sometimes, so to forgive myself.

Then I was talking to psychics and shit for a bit and then realized, it’s my life and I should just take control of it – so I called one astrologer and she suggested just saying thanks again for the trip, that that’s good form, and addressing what happened. It feels right to me, sitting and waiting and not talking feels wrong, so I was going to text him but it was too long so I decided to call him ……….. and he ANSWERED which I didn’t expect!

We chatted for a bit and he asked if he could call me back in a bit when he gets out of work, so these are all good things. I’m going to ask if I can take him out to dinner to thank him for the trip. And then maybe at dinner in person I’ll explain more what was going on with me.

Ugh we will see!! Wish me luck!!!

In the last 6 months ….

Dear blog: it’s been a while.

Not because I forgot about you, but I had admitting defeat.

The guy from New Years lasted until the end of March-he was afraid to call a spade a spade (I.e. call me his girlfriend) and I was patient, but 4 months is a long time to wait to have a guy ride the fence. We had dinner with each other’s families, for crying out loud.

And then he ended it quite suddenly in a text message. Yes, text. One day he is posting more then ever on my facebook, quite literally the next he had thought about things a lot and didn’t see us working long term because we would get into fights that lasted days over little things… mainly because he always had to be right, even when he wasn’t, and I am not a pushover. And he is just about as stubborn as I am. It’s now almost July and I still miss him though. He was special to me, whether or not he ever gave me the title.

I guess part of me feels like I failed in judgement-how could I let it go on so long? How could I invest so much to someone who was just playing pretend. He swears up and down that wasn’t it, he even went so far as to call me his girlfriend after we broke up (gee, just turn the knife a little more please it feels great!) But… in my heart it doesn’t feel quite legitimate since he never wanted to call me his girlfriend. It was a moving target throughout our time together… and it wasn’t fair on me. I didn’t get what I wanted out of the relationship, security, and I should have been the one to walk away.

There were other imbalances too, mainly, our relationship was all about him — his friends, his fighting, his interests. I had fun but, whenever I tried to suggest something he would say it wasn’t really his thing. I guess, overall, he was pretty selfish in more way than one.

But we laughed together. I felt like I belonged to something, that I was a part of something bigger than myself, and because its what I haven’t had, I guess its what I desire the most. So maybe I settled, but without realizing it. One of my now-former roommates would ask me to inventory myself and find out if I was truly happy with him; looking back I guess I wasn’t…. but I sure thought I pe then I did something I never do and dated a rebound guy. Gorgeous but all wrong for me on every possible way, so I let that fizzle out.

And for the last month or so ive been dating this guy who … is considerate, flirty, great sense of humor, super attractive, smart, motivated, hard worker, and likes to cook for me.

The first weekend we spent together was Memorial Day weekend, and although we have never spent time together before, he asked me out over chat on Facebook. I said no at first… but in eerie coincidence his older brother, who I graduated high school with, was also asking me to see him. The while thing was completely bazaar so I laughed and decided to go out.

I had not laughed that much in so long. He totally swept me off my feet, and it was entirely unexpected. The word that is coming to mind is “dazzled.” I have very fond memories of that night.

The next day we went to two state parks with the dogs- my own and the one I was caring for that weekend- and we ended up at winnikinni park. There is a castle there, and as we were laying in the grass in the grounds of the castle I couldn’t help but feel I somehow stepped into my own movie. Cheesy maybe, but it is what it is.

On the way home we decided to stop for icecream … and I swear he detoured me miles off the highway. I was getting a little annoyed because I had no idea where we were headed, but then we pulled into this amazing ice cream place that had Purple Cow ice cream, which is my favorite but few places make it. He had sought it out just for that reason. My very own prince charming.

On the Monday we went to the beach, and I had so much fun with him- he literally swept me off my feet when we were playing in the ocean, made some funny comment about how strong he is and continued to walk me around for a bit. Everything that weekend was perfect.

So perfect, in fact, that I was nervous to see him again. Was that kind of weekend sustainable? Would true colors show and he would be completely different? Things that seem too good to be true, usually are.

But things were fine.. maybe more real after that, we went out with my brother and his girlfriend a weekend later, then he was away for work for a weekend and last weekend he worked Saturday and Fathers Day was Sunday. But in between all that I saw him during the week a night or two and he made me dinner twice 🙂

He said he had a surprise for me last week and it turned out to be concert tickets, but instead he wants to bring me away for the weekend to lake Winnipisaki. To a house owned by a college friend, so I will meet them. Unfortunately I cant go up Friday with them because I am pet sitting but I will drive up Saturday.

We haven’t talked about us yet, other than he asked me a while back how many guys I was seeing… haha. And it was only him. But we didn’t agree to be exclusive or anything, we had only known each other a week at that point.

…in the very beginning he would text every day, pursuing hardcore, but the daily communication has dropped off. I know he has been slammed at work and exhausted but I miss it. I also know he hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school so maybe he is regrouping to assess how he feels about all this, but I guess only time will tell.

So I am a little scared. All the girly thoughts–is he losing interest? What is going on here? But asking a guy when he is less attentive than usual never turns out favorably, so I will play it cool and just enjoy this weekend.

But I really don’t like not knowing what’s going on!! Just me being a control freak.