Dear blog: it’s been a while.
Not because I forgot about you, but I had admitting defeat.
The guy from New Years lasted until the end of March-he was afraid to call a spade a spade (I.e. call me his girlfriend) and I was patient, but 4 months is a long time to wait to have a guy ride the fence. We had dinner with each other’s families, for crying out loud.
And then he ended it quite suddenly in a text message. Yes, text. One day he is posting more then ever on my facebook, quite literally the next he had thought about things a lot and didn’t see us working long term because we would get into fights that lasted days over little things… mainly because he always had to be right, even when he wasn’t, and I am not a pushover. And he is just about as stubborn as I am. It’s now almost July and I still miss him though. He was special to me, whether or not he ever gave me the title.
I guess part of me feels like I failed in judgement-how could I let it go on so long? How could I invest so much to someone who was just playing pretend. He swears up and down that wasn’t it, he even went so far as to call me his girlfriend after we broke up (gee, just turn the knife a little more please it feels great!) But… in my heart it doesn’t feel quite legitimate since he never wanted to call me his girlfriend. It was a moving target throughout our time together… and it wasn’t fair on me. I didn’t get what I wanted out of the relationship, security, and I should have been the one to walk away.
There were other imbalances too, mainly, our relationship was all about him — his friends, his fighting, his interests. I had fun but, whenever I tried to suggest something he would say it wasn’t really his thing. I guess, overall, he was pretty selfish in more way than one.
But we laughed together. I felt like I belonged to something, that I was a part of something bigger than myself, and because its what I haven’t had, I guess its what I desire the most. So maybe I settled, but without realizing it. One of my now-former roommates would ask me to inventory myself and find out if I was truly happy with him; looking back I guess I wasn’t…. but I sure thought I pe then I did something I never do and dated a rebound guy. Gorgeous but all wrong for me on every possible way, so I let that fizzle out.
And for the last month or so ive been dating this guy who … is considerate, flirty, great sense of humor, super attractive, smart, motivated, hard worker, and likes to cook for me.
The first weekend we spent together was Memorial Day weekend, and although we have never spent time together before, he asked me out over chat on Facebook. I said no at first… but in eerie coincidence his older brother, who I graduated high school with, was also asking me to see him. The while thing was completely bazaar so I laughed and decided to go out.
I had not laughed that much in so long. He totally swept me off my feet, and it was entirely unexpected. The word that is coming to mind is “dazzled.” I have very fond memories of that night.
The next day we went to two state parks with the dogs- my own and the one I was caring for that weekend- and we ended up at winnikinni park. There is a castle there, and as we were laying in the grass in the grounds of the castle I couldn’t help but feel I somehow stepped into my own movie. Cheesy maybe, but it is what it is.
On the way home we decided to stop for icecream … and I swear he detoured me miles off the highway. I was getting a little annoyed because I had no idea where we were headed, but then we pulled into this amazing ice cream place that had Purple Cow ice cream, which is my favorite but few places make it. He had sought it out just for that reason. My very own prince charming.
On the Monday we went to the beach, and I had so much fun with him- he literally swept me off my feet when we were playing in the ocean, made some funny comment about how strong he is and continued to walk me around for a bit. Everything that weekend was perfect.
So perfect, in fact, that I was nervous to see him again. Was that kind of weekend sustainable? Would true colors show and he would be completely different? Things that seem too good to be true, usually are.
But things were fine.. maybe more real after that, we went out with my brother and his girlfriend a weekend later, then he was away for work for a weekend and last weekend he worked Saturday and Fathers Day was Sunday. But in between all that I saw him during the week a night or two and he made me dinner twice 🙂
He said he had a surprise for me last week and it turned out to be concert tickets, but instead he wants to bring me away for the weekend to lake Winnipisaki. To a house owned by a college friend, so I will meet them. Unfortunately I cant go up Friday with them because I am pet sitting but I will drive up Saturday.
We haven’t talked about us yet, other than he asked me a while back how many guys I was seeing… haha. And it was only him. But we didn’t agree to be exclusive or anything, we had only known each other a week at that point.
…in the very beginning he would text every day, pursuing hardcore, but the daily communication has dropped off. I know he has been slammed at work and exhausted but I miss it. I also know he hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school so maybe he is regrouping to assess how he feels about all this, but I guess only time will tell.
So I am a little scared. All the girly thoughts–is he losing interest? What is going on here? But asking a guy when he is less attentive than usual never turns out favorably, so I will play it cool and just enjoy this weekend.
But I really don’t like not knowing what’s going on!! Just me being a control freak.