& just like that – we’re back. Rubber band has snapped back. Dafuq

I get a text today from Sky. 12:55 pm. “Okay. I think I am coming out of my foggyness.”

Yep.

And I didn’t see that at first. He hit me up on google talk and said “hug hug”

Da fuq.

Like seriously.

And we chatted for a bit and now he brings up this coming visit like, what are our plans? Like Oh everything is normal. lol. Of course I respond with something about how I was about to ask him if I should return my dress or not. But I’m being flirty too. Little ribbing because – well – he caved out on me!

A little while later, (some conversation later) he asks if we might want to spend more than just the weekend together. (The wedding we are going to is in a diff state, he has a hotel booked for two nights…) – and he had before told me he was going to stay with his family during the week (Mon Tues Wed)

!!!!

Like I Can’t. Even. And I never say that. I’m sitting here thinking how anxious and oblivious and worried and sad I’ve been, and he’s all “lets do this and this and this” literally …he’s supposed to be here in…4 freaking days. Way to cut it close.

But at the same time… I’m happy. 🙂

And it’s true. As the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes in his book – when the rubber band snaps back. It snaps. The fuck. Back. Pick up right where left off.

So … example of not chasing – although I sent a few texts – not pushing – and he sorted himself out and boomeranged back into my life. !!! How ya like THEM apples.

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Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

It’s Monday afternoon at work and I’m just hit with pangs of sadness. I miss him *so* much. Us not talking is so bewildering to me. In some ways I wish God/the Universe would just send some man into my life and then I won’t have to deal with this ambiguity anymore.

No word from Sky all weekend. He changed his profile picture and updated his status with a phrase that means someone died in a skydiving accident. Out of compassion I messaged him directly to say sorry for his loss – and he replied and was more chatty than he has been in the past few weeks. Told me details about the accident and so on. It wasn’t a long conversation, nor did he ask how I’ve been or what I’ve been up to, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. At least I’m trying to keep lines of communication open. I wasn’t going to send him anything else but .. if someone dies, you don’t hold personal grudges based on lack of communication. And it’s good to show a caring side. but still, leaving it now. Though it pains me.

I still don’t know for sure if he’s coming to visit or not. It’s just a week away. I suppose it’s possible that he could be very nervous.. I mean we have built it up so much, not the visit but our relationship. Maybe he wanted to temper things down so that the expectations would be low for the visit. I suppose that’s better in a way maybe…

Be bad to have the same thing happened as happened in January, where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and then did and it wasn’t how we thought it would be at all. Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

IF – and I say IF – he is going the other way, then he can’t be in a very good place right now. In general. I mean what kind of person, does that to someone they have known and loved for 15 years, and then got closer with, said I love you daily too, and then just backs off on them? No explanation?

Not an emotionally healthy one. But people pull out of these things and then apologize, because for one they have to sleep with themselves at night, and for two perhaps the feelings are still there…

I don’t know.

What happens when you track a guy down to ask why he’s been so distant?

I haven’t really touched on what does happen when you do decide to contact a guy who has taken a step back (or..you know, ran a marathon in the other direction) – but, one of my close friends has done the opposite of what I feel/think is best recently so I wanted to let you know about it.

First guy: Man A. A had dated her, was recently divorced, and then did the rubber band. She questioned him a lot and he did communicate. He went his separate way, and then came back about a month later. Things seemed good, and then they went sour again. She again ended up calling him and he told her that he just didn’t see a future with her in that way, and that they were better off as friends.

Now, had she left it or waited to see what he would do – I see two probable outcomes. 1) He says nothing, she wonders but eventually moves on anyway, and no weird conversation happens that makes her feel worse about herself and her ability to find and be loved. 2) He does whatever he wants to do, and the door is still open to her so eventually he pops back in. Existing relationships are always easier to pick up then forging new ones. You already know that at least at one point, that person liked you and you liked them. But instead, he was forced to have a conversation (and this is after several conversations partially about the same thing) and it maybe forced an answer that wasn’t in her favor

Man B: Started off well enough, at first she was still hung up on Man A so didn’t care for Man B. Eventually she opened up to Man B, and then Man B started pulling away, into stretches of no contact. She was sure it was another woman or something like that, so she facebook stalked him and found out he recently re-added his ex-girlfriend. She texted, he dodged and didn’t answer, twice I think – and then she called. He DID answer, and he did have a conversation with her where he ended up telling her he just didn’t feel it in his soul. ??? After two months. Seems a bit early for soul-knowingness.

Anyway, again – had she left it, perhaps it would have been painful but then the door is open for him to return, if she felt she liked him enough to do that. Perhaps timing is wrong, whatever it is, if you don’t force a conversation the man is not ready to have, then the door stays open, and the bridges unburned.

It’s possible that chasing him down to make him have a conversation is what led to him saying what he said about not feeling it in his soul, and so on. Here’s the thing – we all go through ups and downs an uncertainties – if you catch someone when they are uncertain, and force them to talk about their feelings – then you aren’t going to get a positive response. And then that person knows what they said to you, and they can’t unsay it.

I mean, can you really see yourself calling someone up or texting someone and being like hey, let’s get together or chatting after you told them that you don’t see a future or any other flavoring of that statement? No, it makes it much harder. Plus, if you factor in cognitive dissonance, which is basically our own bias to believe and follow through with things we have thought, said or done, EVEN if they weren’t true originally — then you are not going to go against your own decision at one point, because it makes you look weak.

Food for thought.

Any of you experience positive outcomes from forcing a guy to speak when he has gone distant? What about negatives? Comment!!

There’s a big hole in my life.

I wish I was writing today to say that things were back on track and the most amazing, loving man was in my life the way he has been. But, he is still very distant. He replied to the last text I sent yesterday evening around lunch time today, and I responded about 90 minutes later – and no response to that.

At least there’s something… but.

I’m a little at a loss. And obviously, I miss him.

I think back over the past.. 9 months and, the two times he has gone distant before. The times before, it was kind of like a slow build towards the silent times – well, at least last time it was. The first time, it was pretty dramatic – almost as if he welcomed any and all distractions from having to think about or address what was going on between us. Before he knew it, a month had gone by (where he was working a training thing for skydivers, some kind of intensive training) and as soon as it was over he got in touch. We talked it out then, (and, forgive me if I already wrote about this – but – as much as I want this blog to be a “me too!” type thing for others, it’s also for my own catharsis) and I didn’t handle it all that well – I was too happy to have him back and didn’t ask the tough questions and so on, I just wanted things back the way they were.

So, while he/we wanted to see each other, we didn’t make plans then — and two months passed. April wasn’t a great month, he was “weird” and was talkative but, he wasn’t present. And then, just as fast as he came on, he was gone again. It hurt more the second time, because I thought somehow our love was stronger since he had left me and come back. It made me question everything, and I just felt so sad for myself and also the time lost over what I thought was something he wasn’t even serious about. I didn’t try much this time to talk to him, since the time before it really didn’t make a difference. The one time I did try, he ignored me.

Through May I picked up the pieces and pulled myself back together. I went out on a date with another man (the guy was obsessed, it was a bit terrifying). And basically, I resolved to move on with my life – at least, I had given things a shot with someone I always deep down felt I should have been with anyway. I went out with another guy from my past, and that was okay – but I wasn’t attracted anymore. Just his way of being – it appealed to less mature me, but I have grown and want something real and lasting now. I also almost hung out with my most recent ex – as friends (from my side) – but then –

He poofed back into my life. This time, I already knew I was going to let him sweat a bit when he finally made contact. Turned out I didn’t even see his first attempt and he went into a bit of a panic – he ended up texting me twice (I thought the first text was the first contact, so I let it sit) – and facebook messaging. This time I made it clear we could talk it out on the phone, not on messenger. Again, he said he doesn’t know why he does this — which is what he said the first time — and yes, work does get very busy — and he had got some bad news about not being selected for a program he wanted to get into – but why he drops things, and treats me like that, of all people, he dislikes about himself. He expressed desire to change. But I think he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down – and when he’s muddled through whatever it is, he comes back.

The thing is, apparently his feelings for me have (surprisingly) been solid through all of this, according to him. I’m not entirely sure – sometimes I think, he mainly falls in love with me when I’m not around. But sometimes I guess that’s what it takes? Or he just really does get super distracted and feels like he doesn’t have time to sit and chat with me, or send me texts throughout the day – or whatever. And then he realizes a bunch of time passed, and then is kind of like well now what …

I mean what’s a lady to do? Here’s the man saying really, his feelings didn’t change and he wants to pick things up and is apologetic about how things happened – whom she loves back – but at the same time, she went through a hurtful experience.

And then he did it again. And when he came back the second time, things became amazing between them and they grew as a couple and she was blissfully happy. A little unsure of the future, but blissfully happy.

I can only wonder if this …2 months on, 1 month off process is going to continue indefinitely, or if it gets better? Is it really worth it, even if he is one of the best (if not the best) man I know? I’ve spent 16 years searching for someone who could equal him and love me too, and haven’t found it…

But I suppose at this point I really don’t know what my options are. All I do know is that, while I’m supposed to be going to a wedding with the man I love at the end of the month, that man is kind of nowhere to be found right now. There’s someone on the end of the line texting back to me sporadically, but the emotional warmth and closeness – gone. And given how all we really have are our today’s, and  people make plans all the time that don’t come to fruition … fill in the blank…– however, I can’t throw in the towel on this plan just yet. Picture me hanging out in the ocean with a life preserver. Just hanging out to see what happens, trying not to panic because there’s not much you can do.

And most of all, I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. I had a migraine and was a bit distant, sure. Maybe it wasn’t nice to experience. But you don’t shut down a relationship for that.

Of course – there is also the possibility that, the closer time got to him actually coming home and us seeing each other again, the more he thought about it and the more scared he got about us getting closer and taking that next step. Cold feet. I think he will recover – it’s a man thing – and I feel by now I have done my part to show him that I care and be supportive of how busy his work is and so on. I think I can safely give it some space — not too much — but start backing off. Creating space. Letting him come forward. Letting him miss me – enough to want to bring me into his life. But there’s that little voice that says, what about me? Why do I have to be the one that suffers here while he just does what he needs to do to get his emotions / head straight? It’s extremely difficult to stay open to someone who is unintentionally hurting you with their actions because they are overwhelmed or distracted or whatever. And then there is always the possibility that it’s really a very rude brush-off, thinking I will get the hint. Or someone else distracting him. Maybe several someone elses. But if that is true… then… I’m probably better off in the long run anyway.

I guess if we see each other in person then I can say to him something along the lines of how I have been trying to do what we said, and not let him drift away, but it requires a lot of me putting aside my own emotions for very little response from him. And maybe there’s a better way to go about it. I don’t know. I’m tired now, it’s late. And there’s a big hole in my life where he was filling up so much. It’s literally like I lost my best friend.

Is it him being distant? Or just aloof? & Positive Thoughts!

Just a morning update. I tend to write when my mind is chewing on something and I need to get it out and down somewhere. I really encourage trying this at least once to people who don’t, I think it can help get through things if you find anxiety is building up a bit.

I had mentioned in my last post how I texted him back with how I’m excited to see him soon, little nervous since it’s been a while but excited. Then, I wrote about how I deadlifted more than my body weight at the gym with my trainer (milestone for me!)

Sky wrote back something along the lines of atta girl, that’s some power

And I replied with a smiley face and some more details (like how I almost fell over backwards on the last rep).

I was miffed that he didn’t address coming home, clearly he was distracted (or being a male and completely missed the hint of, please say something along the lines of coming home so I know you are still coming!)

He also didn’t respond to the details of my funny day. I’m going with he’s having a bad day. I’m remembering what he said in the past about how he doesn’t respond when he’s in a bad mood etc. NOT the best way of handling things but… I’m going with the positive thoughts here..

Interestingly…three of my readers are targeting next week for a turnaround from him — so I can get through a week no problem right?? Right??

Hopefully, in two weeks from now or so I will have a blog post up about how things are wonderful and how we get our first pic up on social media 😉 Positive thoughts positive thoughts.

If he does what he has done in the past… he will explain it all (what’s been going on for him) once he is in a better place. On the plus side, we have a drip-drip-drop of communication going, instead of nothing. I am leaving it to him today, and maybe tomorrow, because I have lathered on the praise and support operating on the assumption he’s really busy and stressed and overwhelmed and it’s not me. He has told me in the past his job is the reason he has been single for two years, because of the hours of his main job and that he skydives on the weekends for demo’s or training for demo’s etc. I just wish he would freaking TELL me that. lol.

At the end of this little blip though, I will know if my actions can create a different outcome than previous disappearances on his behalf. Can’t wait to see how that turns out, actually. Bit of a scientist geek in me.

The Pull Back Phase Part 2: Consider What REALLY Matters

OK, so I was looking at my Blog Stats, and almost all of my “new” traffic (which, I can’t believe I actually have traffic, haha) is because of what I wrote about the pull back phase.

Here’s what I wrote:

Another topic: The rubberbanding/pull-back phase/pre-attachment freakout. Does it exist?

 

Ok, yes, I think it does exist for some couples. But what I’ve seen is that usually the woman in the relationship ends up feeling so hurt/abandoned/annoyed that by the time he returns, she’s not into it anymore. Some of my friends say it doesn’t exist when it’s *right.* Myself, I think that love is like the lottery – some people win it big, and others have to chip away at that grind stone but they will still end up OK in the end.

 

Personally, I’ve definitely had guys freak out/pull back/say they didn’t want anything and break it off and then return a few weeks -3 months later. And almost always I have no longer been interested. But does that mean I wasn’t truly interested to begin with? Maybe.

Now. 

I’ve had a little more experience since then, so maybe I’m a little bit wiser. I’d like to add to what I wrote.

If you are searching for the pull back phase because the guy or girl you were getting to know is suddenly less…present, in your life, then really, you are not going to know why, or what happened, or if you did something. Accept it. I’m sorry if that seems tough, but I wish someone would have just said that to me.

Because you know, your friends, they are all well-meaning, and, “maybe he’s just busy” or “well, you need to not want it as much, that turns guys off…yes I know you don’t think you want it or act like it, but I know deep down you do, so that’s what’s making them run.” Gee. THANKS.

You can analyze every text, sentence of a conversation, action you made or they did, but at the end of all this analyzing you won’t know exactly what happened in the other person’s mind unless they decide to tell you. And trust me, ASKING them is NOT going to work. Guys, especially, will not open up that much emotionally unless THEY are the one initiating the conversation.

Here’s what matters: Your life, now. I know it sucks and doesn’t feel good to have someone you were starting to like, that was making your life a little happier, go silent on you, or give you breadcrumbs. I’ve been there too many times to want to count.

But chances are, they aren’t bumming out because they’re the one kind of leaving you in the dark. They are doing whatever they feel like until they decide…IF they decide to address whatever it is they’re feeling, and get back to you.

So, unfortunately, you’ve got to find the strength to end your own pain over this situation. I’m not saying hate them, I’m saying let it go…for now. And if they suddenly snap out of it, and return to you, you can decide what to do…THEN. But, basically, YOUR best option is to pretend like they won’t. 

I’m sorry, I know you really just want to know that yes, the pullback phase is real, and yes, everyone always comes out of it and decides they want to be with you!

But, the truth is..(and, I would rather have the hard truth than some fluff that makes me feel better now, but worse in the long run…) the truth is, sometimes people decide they don’t want to be with you. 

No matter what, though, if the person you were interested in has backed off a little, you HAVE to remain as cool as a cucumber about it, at least from their perspective (even if you are dying inside). At least if you want the best possible chance of a future with them. If not, then hey, tell them exactly how you feel if it will make you feel better. But expect that to be the last of whatever it is you had.

This means, no cryptic Facebook lyric statuses, no “did you get my text/call/voicemail” or IMing in any way/platform, it means pretending you don’t see them online on Facebook, or whatever other IM you use, it means NOT texting them if they haven’t texted you, no matter what funny story/thing you want to tell them, even if it relates to whatever you talked about last time you saw/talked to them. Trust me, they will see through it.

And then, when/if they do get in touch, as much as you want to be like, DAMN YOU WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH HOW CAN YOU BE SO SELFISH WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS!! 

…No, you don’t do that. 🙂

Instead you act like, no time has passed, you’re not mad, etc. etc. etc. But blog writer, you think, isn’t this not being true to myself??? Sure, you’re right, actually. But it’s choosing your battles and ignoring this one for the greater good. Eyes on the prize.

Then, later, when you’re happily in coupledom, you can be like, Hey, remember that time when you kind of stopped talking to me? OMG I was so mad at you, hahaha. And then he’ll be like, Really? Yeah IDK I just didn’t know what I wanted (or whatever), I’m sorry, I had no idea it affected you like that. And THEN you’ll find out what happened. 

But for now, all you really have is today, so you might as well try to put aside your hurt feelings and enjoy your life. In whatever way that means to you. Hang with friends (and DON’T TALK ABOUT IT), watch a good TV show, go for a run, play with your pets, whatever it is that makes you happy and made you happy before this person showed up. Even better, do really cool exciting things, so when they do show up, and ask how you’ve been, you can be like: great! I climbed a mountain and volunteered at a soup kitchen. Then they’ll not only be impressed, but realize they have been wayyy out of touch with you. 

To summarize:

  • It doesn’t matter the reason, or if they are coming back from the pull back phase or not. 
  • What matters is you and your life RIGHT NOW and the things you CAN control (which isn’t them).
  • Let it go (for now).
  • Be as cool as a cucumber when/if they get back in touch (I call this being a “Dumb Fox” – learned that phrase from Why Men Love Bitches or something like that) to give it the best chance of a good outcome
  • Hang in there. Truth is, it’s all bullshit til you find the right one anyway. 🙂 Just consider it dating practice!