Enter the Shaman

So, I’ve actually been out with Shaman 3x now. We went out Friday. And then saw each other again Sunday…

and Friday’s date was well, amazing. We went for sushi and just the energy level attraction, he ended up sitting next to me in the booth and we were kind of all over each other. Then he wanted to see each other soon, and so Sunday I went over to his place and we basically made juice (or he did, I drank some) and then we just… had some pretty amazing sex. He made me feel like gold, head to toe, literally I can’t think of better how to say it than he made love to my entire body. Wrists, hip bones, feet, stomach, etc – everything was kissed. Everything.

We talked about waiting briefly but that didn’t last.. I mean.. if someone’s all making out with you and all over you it’s hard to not want them. I will write more on this later but, at the last minute I said we don’t have to do this right now and he just said he had his heart set … and it was on.

I felt like gold all this morning, and part of me just wants to be in his arms. He literally makes me *feel* loved. He makes me *feel* like a goddess, and tells me how lucky he is to have my attention. But in a way, I’m the lucky one. To experience a love that raw, open – it’s beautiful. Especially compared to someone like Sky.

Who, is quiet. I have been thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving, and what Skarlet recommended I do, and… I just don’t want to. I don’t want to feel like I have to take certain steps I wouldn’t do otherwise in order for that to happen, it doesn’t feel organic. I’d rather just really let it go and see where life takes me. I don’t think he’s gone, I think he will be back at some point, but I’m also done reaching for something that isn’t there.

And I know I miss his friendship but he’s not even being a friend to me, really. A friend would be excited about me getting the new job, would ask about my life, etc. He’s really just all wrapped up in his life and has nothing left for me. Doesn’t even really share what’s going on in his life with me. So really, we have nothing.

Maybe I will just not forgive him for not calling me after he left, when he said he would. Or at the very least, I will remember it. Just like I will remember the way he told me he has slept with other people. Like we were nothing, and how it wasn’t open for discussion. Like I’m some little girl in a fantasy land in some pretend relationship. It’s not a freaking game, it’s someone’s heart. How the last time I sent him pics and video at his request no less, he didn’t even freaking acknowledge it.

He really doesn’t even deserve my friendship at this point.

And it doesn’t really matter what he thinks and feels and dreams if he doesn’t share any of it with me, does it? Or until he does. If he ever does.

As it stands, while I grew a lot over this past year, and I like who I am and how I handle things a lot better now, I don’t credit any of it to him. He forced me to make myself see how powerful I actually am.. and I made all these changes in myself, and became a better person, but he gets NO credit. And if that’s the reason, spiritually, he was back in my life then … no. Not enough. Sorry. You don’t put someone through that much pain by someone they love so much to consistently have them fail.

It doesn’t seem balanced, it doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. And I believe life IS fair, despite what my dad always said. When things are truly how they are supposed to be, then you know – it seems right, balanced. When my other soulmate ex broke up with me, it was very painful but didn’t seem wrong. This situation with Sky just doesn’t feel right. It feels unfinished. But I also feel a sadness in my soul, almost that I know I couldn’t really trust him the same. That my initial dreams of how we would be together are crushed. He didn’t take care of me the way he always has. Or, always did.

He doesn’t seem to value what I bring into his life, he doesn’t seem to value me as a person, really. At least not right now. But it’s weird, because once upon a time, not too long ago, he did. And on some level I know he will again, he will realize. And if I really look at how things have gone since he left… well it’s like it all stopped. So in a way my sense was right, it ended.

I guess I was just a distraction for him, something fun and not realistic. I guess I won’t ever know more until I hear anything else, but I’m done trying to get his attention like I don’t have anything better going on. I mean, for a while I didn’t, but I was also in love with the guy. And I thought he was in love with me, but I guess that’s where I was wrong. Because at the end of the day, he treated me like I didn’t matter to him and all and never did.

 

In the fog of what the heck am I doing/am I on the right path? Freak out.

Things have been really hard this week. I started a rotation, meaning I am opening myself up to other men, but I feel like my life is all wrong. Like I stepped into some alternate universe and it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe that’s what Sky felt like when he was without me, that’s what he told me when we went on our cruise – with the other girls, something just didn’t feel right.

There’s one guy… we will call him Shaman. He’s just a spiritual being. He is energy manifested into a person, and he doesn’t quite understand what he is, but he senses –as he says — “goddess” energy in me. I like him but he may be “above” me, literally and figuratively. But I do like him. Still, I fall asleep thinking about Sky. Wake up thinking about Sky.

Then there is Diamond. He’s very smart, a little harsh..typical EMB. Which means kind of aspie. Anyway, he hurt me today by saying I’m jaded and a pessimist. I was trying to defend myself saying that I wasn’t, and then it all kind of fumbled from there, so then eventually I just stopped and went off a bit but then apologized and said I was sad to be painted in a way I’m not, but then maybe I’ve been to hard on him. Etc. And he relaxed too, so that’s back on.

Sky, I did hear from — actually, I forget how it started. Oh, now I know. I followed Skarlet’s advice and messaged him a note on Veteran’s day. Given what he does and all.. she explained it’s good manners if I say it and don’t expect a response. Well, he carried on the conversation a bit … oddly sent me a bunch of pics of his truck in response, which I think was not meant for me (but he said it was, and he sent cause he was proud).

Told him about the job and he didn’t really congratulate me, just kind of said he needed to get a job like that (unlimited vacation time) — then we talked about us a bit, well I just kinda couldn’t stop myself, after he told me the first vacation he took in 5 years was with me — I told him that was my first trip with a guy, not a friend or family, and that I had invited him cause he was one of my fave people and I kinda hoped something might happen but had no idea it would open all those doors so fast.

Then I talked about his relationships a bit… he was curious about what I had to say but also kind of didn’t want to talk about it. Then I said something about his ex-wife, and that relationship; and he was like “not reading that” and that was that. Then a week later he messaged me to tell me he doesn’t need surgery and he was all happy about that.

Which was cute… that he wanted to tell me. I said I was happy for him, etc.

But not much since then.

& so the other two guys.

 

le sigh, le sigh…

 

 

 

 

You either value me, or you’re out.

Gahh. Still no more communication from Sky :/ . Ha. It’s hard, the first few days, but I am pushing forward. I mean honestly, who wants to spend their time chatting to/send nudey pics and videos to a guy who puts in ZERO effort? No. I’m worth so much more. You either value me, or you’re out.

Doesn’t mean I don’t miss him, though. I wish I didn’t. I don’t even know why I do, he was being kind of a jerk the last few days. Or not even kind of. He was just plain old, being a jerk.

And a thought occurred to me, that it must not be the same for him — feelings wise. Or, he’d want to talk. So, here goes ..letting it go. Again. Although this time, I am not going to reach out. If he’s not going to put any effort it, or even really signal that he wants this, then… I am only leading myself on by talking to him.

On the same token, I’ve re-downloaded Tinder and am talking to some people. I am going to force myself to get back out there, and be treated nicely. Just cause a guy “slips” and says we have our whole lives to figure something out, doesn’t mean he’s acting on it right now, which means…why does it matter? He clearly thinks/knows/believes we will be in each other’s lives for a while, so – if that’s the case – he can show me he wants me in his life. I feel as if I’ve already done that.

I didn’t go out with my Trophy Husband as I was upset about Sky, and annoyed at the whole situation. Plus, Trophy Husband didn’t “let me know” about Saturday like he said he would — instead what I got was, “So what are you thinking for tomorrow?” (on sat, about Sunday) so I told him I made plans to work since I didn’t hear from him, but there’s always this weekend – to which he said, oh no big deal was just looking forward to seeing you/I thought we had plans.

Welp. I guess let’s see how long he lets it go for — but I have to not care. Not count. Even though I most certainly will count… it’s just that, maybe it’s better for us to not talk — or at least, better for me, since he doesn’t seem to want to even try to move it forward, we can’t spend time together, and all us talking is doing is keeping me attached.

Funny thing is, things have been happening exactly the way Skarlet said. First, she said I would message him – and I did. Then, she said it would be more friendly and maybe not talking every day but every few days here and there. Last call, she said it’s best to do it this way since that’s what lets him move forward – being friendly, flirty, with Freudian slips — and then she said, we’d chat for 2-3 weeks and then he’d back off for 5 days when he realizes it’s getting too close, and — we chatted for three weeks and now he’s backed off. So, I suppose it might be 5 days, but who knows? She doesn’t do timing. But she did say 100% guaranteed he will always be back. So, I guess I just have to wait for that?? Or not wait. But see it happen?

Maybe he can be my trophy husband

We are chatting daily. One time, in the middle of nowhere he said “we have the rest of our lives to figure it out” about me sending him selfies of what he likes … Just like, woah! Came out of nowhere.

We talked about the trip, he was saying how I could have done anything since he was laid up as in trying to come on to him… And again we said things didn’t go well and I wondered aloud why, and he said cause there is no easy way. He comes home for family events only, and then I said a wedding was maybe ambitious, and he said “nailed it”. He asked what’s next, and I said I don’t know – practicing being the feminine and letting him be the man and problem solve. 

Then everything just turned really sexual, and he’s diverting the conversations back to sex or sexting or photos every time I try to steer it away. So I backed off today since… First, last night I sent him a video and several very explicit selfies, to which no response!! He later said he woke up at 2 am and saw it all then… But still. Come on. 

Anyway. So… Not talking to any psychics really except for Skarlet. Expensive but worth it. Called her for the first time in almost a month the other day, good little info 🙂 I’ll write later if it comes true! So far things have. 

Not planning on messaging him again. Even if he doesn’t. I mean I am worth so much more than sexting all day and sending photos and not even getting an acknowledgement. So when he gets in touch again I will give you the day count lol. 

Actually I made a date with my “side ho” lol he’s hot but was a huge asshole to me. Still good for a distraction and to manage my emotional investment. 

Had a date set up with another guy kinda but blocked him haha he was annoying anyway trying to make me set it up. 

Back to Sky, I pointed out he once told me I threw myself at him and didn’t like it, which makes a girl think twice, plus he went from let’s spend as much time together as possible to hey the weekend is good. Which is confusing. To which he said: booooo.

But I also said the cuddling was great and so was the first day we saw each other and the day at the museum, which he was happy to hear. I still don’t know much about what he thought, but I am not going to ask. I did apologize for my way of handling things at the wedding insofar as letting my emotions get the best of me, and he said we all made mistakes and I said we did? And he goes, I don’t have to be so blunt all the time

So… It is what it is. 

Let’s see what happens next with this one!! Maybe nothing. Honestly, if we did not speak again I’d just be like okay, he’s a kid who didn’t truly value me in his life anyway. So I would be fine. I’m not a sex object. 

Maybe this other guy is actually the one. Lol go figure. He’s handsome, big…, good around the house. Kind of dumb and mind of annoying but maybe he could be my trophy husband or something. Lol 🙂