to know you’re there

I guess my life is pretty different from most others that I know, at least as far as relationships. I watched a movie tonight, it was about a missionary who goes to some faraway island for 3 years and leaves his true love at home, and they communicate by letter mail only every 4-6 weeks or so… and still get married when he returns to the States.

I wonder what it’s like to finally know you’ve found the person you’re going to be with, to leave all the dating behind and the will-he-won’t-he’s. To just be settled. To have that person you talk to anytime and you know they’re not going anywhere. That you’re madly in love with and who is madly in love with you.

I really kind of feel like I’m just in a hampster wheel as far as my dating life – I keep running and running trying to make it to that next spot but really I haven’t gotten anywhere. Oh sure people could say I’ve learned things or whatever, but have I really? Isn’t love supposed to be pretty basic when it comes down to it? I mean shit by now I should have my masters in dating.

I don’t wanna do online dating again, I’m sick of meeting people who misrepresent themselves. But I guess most people misrepresent themselves, maybe without knowing it.

As far as CP, he’s long gone – no sign of him and I’m not really holding my breath on it. I think it’s cowardly to disappear like that. Don’t know what on earth he was / is thinking, if he really just couldn’t handle it, or whatever. Either way, it’s selfish, and the act of a scardey cat.

As far as CF… IDK. I feel like I’ve been chasing him ever since we actually saw each other, and I did bring it up with him (in the form of, wth was the closed mouth kiss) – his response? exactly what I thought: things are confusing right now, i wouldn’t have if i didn’t want to, i’m just not sure if I want to pursue this.

So basically I’ve just been batting out. Some new guy I met called me but he reminds me an awful lot of the guy I dated before CP, and I’m not sure I want to go there again. Not exactly future husband material. But on the other hand he’s older (34) and everyone keeps telling me I need to date older.

But yeah… to know you’re done searching… that you found your (hopefully) happy ever after….

…that would be nice. I’m just so sick of trying. It’s kind of young to “give up” I guess, but at the same time I’m 28. And I haven’t had a “serious” relationship since I was, what, 22? 23? I’m pretty much nearing the past-my-prime part of being attractive, pretty soon I’ll just be 30 and “meh” (although everyone says I look young, so they’re like you’ll be really hot when you’re 40….)

I don’t FEEL that way at all, though.