Is it him being distant? Or just aloof? & Positive Thoughts!

Just a morning update. I tend to write when my mind is chewing on something and I need to get it out and down somewhere. I really encourage trying this at least once to people who don’t, I think it can help get through things if you find anxiety is building up a bit.

I had mentioned in my last post how I texted him back with how I’m excited to see him soon, little nervous since it’s been a while but excited. Then, I wrote about how I deadlifted more than my body weight at the gym with my trainer (milestone for me!)

Sky wrote back something along the lines of atta girl, that’s some power

And I replied with a smiley face and some more details (like how I almost fell over backwards on the last rep).

I was miffed that he didn’t address coming home, clearly he was distracted (or being a male and completely missed the hint of, please say something along the lines of coming home so I know you are still coming!)

He also didn’t respond to the details of my funny day. I’m going with he’s having a bad day. I’m remembering what he said in the past about how he doesn’t respond when he’s in a bad mood etc. NOT the best way of handling things but… I’m going with the positive thoughts here..

Interestingly…three of my readers are targeting next week for a turnaround from him — so I can get through a week no problem right?? Right??

Hopefully, in two weeks from now or so I will have a blog post up about how things are wonderful and how we get our first pic up on social media 😉 Positive thoughts positive thoughts.

If he does what he has done in the past… he will explain it all (what’s been going on for him) once he is in a better place. On the plus side, we have a drip-drip-drop of communication going, instead of nothing. I am leaving it to him today, and maybe tomorrow, because I have lathered on the praise and support operating on the assumption he’s really busy and stressed and overwhelmed and it’s not me. He has told me in the past his job is the reason he has been single for two years, because of the hours of his main job and that he skydives on the weekends for demo’s or training for demo’s etc. I just wish he would freaking TELL me that. lol.

At the end of this little blip though, I will know if my actions can create a different outcome than previous disappearances on his behalf. Can’t wait to see how that turns out, actually. Bit of a scientist geek in me.

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finally – the miss you too text!

I had an appt with my therapist today  — gotta tell you, if you find the right one they are SO helpful. Advice is way more on point than friends and it just helps you feel so much better. I caught her up on my life, and specifically with Sky, and she encouraged me to act out of love instead of fear, and tell him how I feel – short message – hey, thinking of you, miss you

So that’s what I sent. and I FINALLY got a sign of light at the end of this weird tunnel – finally he wrote miss you too (and more about how he’s busy today). So then I sent him another message about how I’m excited to see him soon, a little nervous since it’s been so long but excited. (that was my therapist’s initial advice).

I feel like half the weight was just lifted from my shoulders ::bliss::

Lesson? Sometimes you have to put your own emotions aside – especially if they are stopping you from taking action – and decide to act out of love despite your personal feelings and despite fear.

And relationships are give and take, but sometimes one person does a lot more of the giving and sometimes the other person does.

Credit for those thoughts mainly goes to my rockin therapist 😀

The Orange Juicer / Guys Mental Commitment Timelines… so weird.

alright……

That pretty much sums up how I feel. Saw the most recent interest this weekend… but, again, not in the way I wanted. He went out with his friends, said he’d be free later, and asks me to pick up him from the bar, we go back to his place, basically have a sex marathon, annnnd cuddle and sleep.  Ok when I say sex marathon, I mean:

  • bedroom
  • living room bending me over the couch
  • bedroom again
  • bathroom with me up on the counter. So. Fucking. Hot. I swear I fell in love and started panicking. Cause he was doing the eye-contact fucking thing, which, eye contact while having sex for extended periods of time is hypnotizing. All of a sudden I was like, fuck, I’m falling in love with this kid already. It got WAY to intense.  But, I’m not falling in love, it was just the sex got REALLY intimate. Then he wanted to cum inside me, but again that’s like, kind of serious for me, so I said no.
  • …and again in the morning.

For some wacky reason I decide that while I’m giving him head is a good time to ask him what the deal is about him not ever talking to me. (Ok, I was three martinis deep. Which, I had gotten by going out for drinks with another guy. I know, seems a little fucked up, but, drunken decisions aren’t the brightest ones). He basically said he doesn’t like texting, so I said, then just call me, and he said OK. Etc. So, supposedly he is going to start calling me… when we parted ways, I said call me this week and he said he would.

Ok, so after we woke up we did go out to brunch, actually the place was really good, and he starts talking about marriage.

This is where the line gets so friggin blurry with this kid. Ok, so, it seems like just sex, even tho he said no, the door is open for more (but, actions not words) …and then this morning for example he’s typing in his computer password and he says outloud “I love (my name)” and of course I just laugh.

But we’re at breakfast, and he brings up marriage. As a topic. Which leads to him saying that he is at the beginning of everyone getting married and that I must be right in the thick of it (I’m 2 years older) and he jokingly says, well, you should just get married then. So I look down and smile, look back up and say “yeah…about that….” and laugh in a, “not happening anytime soon” way.

And that goes in to him talking about how some of his friends have girlfriends they are marrying or will marry but his friends still cheat on all the time, and he thinks it’s ridiculous (I agreed). Then he was talking about how he is always the single guy, so he’s feeling pressure from his family, etc, because now at events he’s like, the only one without a significant other. And he is talking about how his mom jokes that he will be 42 and marry a 28 year old divorcee, then says she’s been right about everything so far, but it’s just a joke (etc).  And then it’s how he’s been picky with women but in a good way, not wanting to hold on to a girl because he didn’t want to hurt her, but ultimately cause he knew she wasn’t the right one. And how he feels like when he does get married, he will fully commit and not be tempted by things.

And I’m sitting there, like, OK, so how do I fit into this picture. But you all know me (if you don’t I’ll tell you anyway,) I may use this blog to get all the crazy overanalyzing chick thoughts out, but in person I’m cool as a freaking cucumber. Like, couldn’t have played it out better.

So to test the waters, I said, “so is this weird for you…?” meaning breakfast. Us hanging out. And he said “this? no, I havent taken you to a wedding yet” (laughing).  Ok, he said yet. Interesting. May mean nothing, may be a good thing. But I continue:

“I’m in not rush for that stuff, granted, guys have a lot longer to figure it out than women do, and yeah I want a family one day, but I’d rather just find the guy when I find him and not rush stuff and have it be the right guy, than be pushing because I want kids someday.”

Hmm what else… so, he DID ask who I went out with last night before I met up with him. “friends”  then I said, “well, *a* friend.”

And then he dug a little… “oh? like a hot date type friend?”

and I was getting dressed at the time, so I kind of laughed (like fuck how did he know) but just answered “it was my friend (so and so’s) cousin” without actually saying the person was male or female. He probably knew I was being dicey but, what am I going to say?

Yeah I went out with a guy last night, we’re not exclusive as far as I know, what of it? Are you asking cause you want to be exclusive?

I felt like he would have been pissed. I think he expects loyalty, even though he isn’t putting anything on the table.

Also at brunch he was like, talking about cooking again so I ask when I’m going to get to see it, and he’s like “soon, definitely soon” or something. Ok, so he might cook for me.

And when I picked him up, before I agreed to it, I said on one condition (and he said, yeah?) and I said: you bring me with you next time, and he agreed. We will see.

And we talked about the movies, and he is going away next weekend so he said the weekend after that. So I said, if you don’t wanna see it just tell me, and he’s like, no i do, etc etc. OKay.

OK, sidenote: He brought up fresh squeezed orange juice and how they had a juicer as a kid etc, and he wants one really bad. But, apparently not until he’s married, because I offered to get one for his birthday, and he like freaked out and was like, “I’m not ready for that.” I just said, it’s just a juicer… cause to me, like, live it up if you want a juicer get one lol.

But he apparently has his little plan and a juicer comes in after he gets married. He actually talked about it as something that he’d put on his registry. I laughed and said, you already knew what’s going on your registry? LOL.

He also told me he thought I’d fit right in on some website named after an onion (but not the onion) where girls upload pics of themselves scantily clad etc. And then he immediately said, not that I want you doing that.  He’s just so all over the place. Can’t make heads or tails of him.

But yeah. IDK. I did like him a lot initially, and now I’m just like…. well, sex doesn’t matter to me, I mean it’s fun and great to have good sex. But that doesn’t really make a guy stand out in my mind. I had fun talking at brunch etc except, it just sounded a bunch like a guy who might be emotionally unavailable. Or, he’s evaluating me as someone to fill that slot in his life. Either way, I’m tired of not getting what I want. It’s all sex, and we’ve been out a few times, but I guess I’m tired of doing the heavy lifting myself. Like, if this guy doesn’t call me, I’m never talking to him again. Unless he talks to me first. I’m just done!

The other guy I went out with, is like all about me. He’s like its awesome that youre beautiful and intelligent, and he texted me today to be like between the espresso and being excited about you i didn’t get much sleep last night, next time let’s do sangrias, I had fun. And he has this awesome job trading oil securities, but, IDK, he’s kind of short. Some guys are short and I find really attractive, but he’s only semi attractive and short. So IDK. We will see.