The latest crush started to worry me because, after we took that step and slept together, all he wanted to do was get together and watch a movie… Ahem. We all know what that means. And, I don’t want to sell myself short by making it just about one thing. I also didn’t want to offend the guy in case he is innocent by talking about it the wrong way.
So, my answer was to suggest going to a movie! He agreed… Seemed excited, then day of the date said timing might be close and why don’t I just come over and chill and see the movie another time. Lol. So I get annoyed but politely say, how about we reschedule? Let me know when you can make it!
Then we get into a turf war…well, not really, but basically from there I had to say “I don’t want to be a fuck buddy, but I’m not saying be my boyfriend today, but I don’t want to have the what-are-we conversation” in a classy non-dramatic way. Tough one!!!
Basically I played cute and coy and he said I haven’t seen you in a while don’t you at least want to cuddle? So I said. I love cuddling with you but the “cuddling” is distracting and we need to be balanced, that’s why I suggested the movies … He said i understand your logic but not happy with your decision why can’t we just have a quiet night in and do the movies later?
So I muscled up all my courage …and replied, i like quiet nights in but for that to happen I need to know whatever is going on here is about more than just cuddling..
And he was a little slow to respond but replied, I understand. I think you’re being very cautious and not just letting yourself have fun!
And I thought, way to avoid the elephant in the room! So I grabbed that bull by the horns, ladies and, sent back: if I sleep with a guy I will get feelings. I don’t need promises but I do need to know the door is open
He wrote back. Of course the door is open, why else would I be doing this?
I said well you called me a booty call last time I was there (new text) but ok, I can see its not like that now. and he said he didn’t mean it that way was making a joke that obviously went badly etc
…and then we made plans, and had a great quiet night in 🙂 ended with him saying lets do the movies this week or weekend and tentative plans for me to go to his Sunday basketball games sometime.
I even jokingly called him the worst texter in the world when i was at his place and he said, if we texted the way you want to we would be texting all day, maybe I should just tell you ok I’m going to shower now tho instead of leaving you hanging..and I said.yes! And no, I don’t want to text all day, but I like to hear from you when I don’t see you..
And he said, aww well there is nothing wrong with that! He also gave me a back rub and made us cookies, and we snuggled all night.
So, I’m trying not to get ahead of myself but, part of me is on cloud 9.
Moral of the story: I was really scared I was being put in the booty call zone (aka, girl who would never be my girlfriend, aka, male equivalent is friend zone)..but I’m wise enough to know, it’s way too soon to say, what is this? Because half the signs aren’t there anyway, so I’d be setting myself up for disappointment, AND, he’d probably scare and run away crushing any actual chances if there were any.
Judging buy the zillion Google hits that come up on, is this just a booty call? A bunch of girls are out there with the same conundrum: how to keep cool and approach the subject, without being offensive. Cause “im not gonna be some side ho” isn’t classy and, guys hate drama.
Bottom line is, you’ve got to mentally toughen up and set your boundaries hard. So, while I was texting with this guy, I’m telling myself “I don’t give a f-k” over and over in case he was like, oh…ok. Or something that hinted yes, I don’t want a relationship, or some shit. But deep down I was freakinggg outt, lol.
And, you’ve got to be willing to walk away.
My answer was to see of he’d go out on a real date with me. That way I didn’t have to ask directly. When his answer went from yes to later, come over now, I put my foot down and got an answer.
Don’t let the guy get what he wants if it’s making you feel small inside. It might hurt, to see if he will or wont step up when you raise the bar, but the genius behind this method (of asking him out on a real date and not seeing him otherwise) is, you don’t have a conversation guys hate when it’s premature anyway. and sleeping with him without having the guts to speak up/stand your ground for what you really want will never make your situation better. He won’t magically decide, wow, I should treat her way better, and maybe ask her to be my girlfriend, what was I thinking!! I can promise you that one.
One other tip: I read a book, Have Him at Hello, (by Rachel Greenwald), What Makes 1,000 Guys Fall in Love or Never Call Back. It really shows you how guys scare SO easy, and will take the smallest thing we do or say, not even thinking about it like that, and he will decide he shouldn’t date us.
I recognized a few things I do in there (not a ton) and one of the reasons I said to him, I don’t need promises, instead of, I don’t wanna get hurt/am being cautious / am trying to protect myself is because, I specifically read that one guy said, he couldn’t guarantee he would never hurt this woman he was dating, so instead of risk it he ended things/stopped calling.
I def recommend reading her book. It gives insight and maybe will shine light on some behaviors you have you don’t even realize may be turning off just slightly enough that they decide you’re not for them!!