Reading Roundup

Since Sky is …clearly not talking to me right now… I spoke with Skarlet recently. I don’t think I will talk to her again for a while, because i just have this odd sense that while she might be right about things, nothing is really going to come together for a while.

She basically said a lot of stuff that made sense and is probably right, but ultimately doesn’t make me all that happy…

The basics are… he’s back “in control” from feeling out of control with emotion and has a lot of willpower (that’s true from what I know of him). He misses me and thinks of me often. He doesn’t know what to do, is about 80% certain that I’m not going anywhere when we don’t talk, and is afraid if he has nothing to say and we do talk I will end up finding him and his life boring and will decide I don’t want that. He can’t handle the idea of him giving his heart to me and me actually walking away, and he has enough experience to have heard of many women who left their military men when the man became hyper-focused on his career. And mostly, he wants to move ahead in his career so he can settle down, as he feels like he can’t right now. He knows he loves me, and I love him.

…which is all very nice, except. He hasn’t told me a single word of that. I had to call a psychic to find that out. She of course said that if I did want to reach out, how to do it and that it would have a positive effect, and if I don’t that it will take longer, but it’s a neutral effect and then he will talk to me eventually.

She also told me he has opportunities there, but isn’t interested in anyone. Isn’t letting anyone into his heart.

Blah, blah, blah. My decision is, I’m not reaching out again at all. I mean, this is a guy who took a full day to respond to my happy new year text. And his response was very much, not something that opens a conversation.

But mostly, I have been wondering if the only reason this is still going is because of the messages I sent on holidays and so on. And I asked why it seemed like things were better over the summer than they are now. And she said because I’m expecting a relationship that progresses, a man who is pursuing and he’s not, because he can’t.

She maintains that he will, when he figures it out. But only God knows when that’s going to be, and by his Sky’s) estimation he’s solid military until 2018. So.

Basically..the truth of the matter is, this guy has all these thoughts, and the end of them is that he can’t be with me right now. Except he didn’t want to tell me that.

 ______________________________

Spoke with Gaylene… haven’t chatted with her in a while, but figured I’d give her another shot given she has been right for me, and sometimes she’s awesome with timing. Other times way off.

Here’s what she said. There is going to be the opportunity, he pops back up communication wise. Where he is right now/mindset is temporary. Temporary meaning, his quiet is him reviewing his life and where he wants things to go with me.

He goes home, starting to evaluate. He lives pretty far, doesn’t want to move back. He’s frustrated, can’t/doesn’t want to move back.

He doesn’t feel like I can move because of my work and family…

Will the situation be resolved/so we can be together? It’s something that can be overcome with time; he  we communicate pretty regularly over the internet but not recently — he gets down and depressed. He just went back?

He is going to start spending more time communicating. He panics/gets really down when he has to go.

He is going to start to – not work harder, but he is focused. He tries to keep things very straight, regimented. When he was here, he sticks to a tough schedule. That doesn’t say that he doesn’t want or like what he has with me — he does. He tells her he does communicate with me via the Internet.

When?

He said I love you — he is going to start communicating with me more, quiet a bit going on with him. He tries to hide from his emotions, having a harder time doing that. He cares for me and does love me, but doesn’t know how he’s going to hand an actual relationship given that we are in different places. He will, but he doesn’t know how.

He is in a prickly situation a bit he doesn’t have a lot of time off, he doesn’t have a normal life, he feels very abnormal.

He figures it out – where there’s a will there’s a way. He will figure out how to make things happen. Why? He wants to. Timing: 5-7. 5-7 hours, 5-7 o’clock, maybe 15th-17th.

His silence doesn’t have anything to do with not liking me, he just doesn’t know how to make it possible.

How he fixes it — his idea is we get married and then we can be together. He feels like we if we take it very seriously that’s how we can be together. He will pop it out there as an p. He wants to see me more consistently, the only way for that to happen is for me to be close to his base. He has ideas going on – more drastic ideas than good ideas.

7-8 for timing on that, could be July – August. Comes up with some big ideas to bring us closer together.

When he comes through with it, I’m going to be very happy.

__________________________________

And I’ve been having a … not so great day, today — so I wanted to talk and get reassurance. I feel like I’m still not getting it. I spoke with someone named Sonia. She got right away that he’s all over the place, so when I explained he’s military it made sense to her.

She then said, his hold up is mainly he doesn’t want to answer to anyone, and hasn’t been ready to commit to anyone. He is very attracted to me and loves our friendship, but the more he sees himself with me the more he gives in to the urge of being single because he’s commitment phobic.

He’s not ready to hand me his heart and be the kind of guy who is focused on one just yet — with me he can see himself settle down. So he’s scared of is he really ready for that right now? And fighting his own demons on it.

So it’s not about not wanting to be with me it’s about how he feels when he’s not with me — and he hasn’t officially said we are a couple to him and the world yet and it scares him that when we are together it’s so easy and natural, it’s real, not fake or a friendship with benefits.

So he “spaces out” and this mercury retrograde made it harder for him to emotionally detach.

Then she said it won’t last — it being his need to remain single — as he gets redeployed soon. Overseas, but will come home again before that happens. She asked me to be open minded, and to let him chase me down. She said I’m on his mind but when I try to talk he is not ready because of other people being around; they stir him up because he has played out the bachelor macho energy that he won’t have a woman / is not ready. But some of the people he hangs around with are falling into committed relationships and it will help him see what he is missing but “he needs to awaken more”.

When he is vulnerable to me he IS ready for a committed relationship but he fights it.

Then she said: Don’t be angry with him for not reaching out, don’t ask “defining” questions / pressure like what are we, what do you want from me, what are we doing, where is this going — avoid those questions. If he wants to talk future, smile and listen to him talk.

She said 2-3 weeks before we talk again, and when he reaches out it will be to tell me he’s coming back to town or something like that. She said 2-3 mark; worst case scenario 2-3 months “but this is okay”

Reason being military training is intense and their minds are all over the place. Their egos get deflated and they learn to man up. That’s what he is focusing on.

She said he has to honor his own truth before he can open up in full to make it work with me — and that’s what we need since we have something beautiful and he knows it but he’s not ready for it just yet. She said: Sometimes his actions speak louder than his words but he does eventually get it.

She sees it coming together but it requires that i make him work for it/make him responsible for it. He initiates ALL contact even when he starts calling and reaching out. For at least 3 months.

Then she said when he is abroad we will both reach out, but let him schedule times with me (sat phone) & when he returns he is back for a good 3 months before he returns to base.

During those 3 months we plan a future. So be light about everything.

Don’t scold him and let him come to me, & let him wake up.

He’s overseas 6-8 months, but not longer. As long as he’s kept safe by God he won’t come back sooner, either.

Then she said: This guy will be around for a long time, so what you want is getting to the home base not a guy to waste your time. I want long-term not short term.

And be really light and fun with him when he calls. No drama.

_________________

Cindy says he knows I’m his future, when he’s there he has to focus on the present. That’s his training. It’ll come together.

_______________

 

So that’s the reading round up. Sky told me he might take a 6 month deployment.. so if this new person is right that will be very interesting.

But anyway… even though all these good, solid readers (I can vouch for two of them…Gaylene I had some luck with but not lately; last thing she got right was talking about how that wedding weekend wouldn’t go well — and this other person is brand new). It doesn’t change my life right now. The fact of the matter is I’m lost, looking for answers, and I feel like God has forgotten about me.

That’s why I go to readers. To get a tiny bit of hope that my life isn’t this stretch of solo-dom forever and ever. I’m a beautiful, successful, loving woman. I have my flaws like everyone else, but nothing major. I do good things. I deserve good things. And yet, I find myself not connecting with anyone else but him lately.

Maybe I really do need closure to move on. But how do you get closure from something that was never a relationship? It being official or not doesn’t change the depth of feelings. I just suppose it’s the passage of time. So at this rate, I should be completely over it… in 6 months? If we don’t talk. And I’m not reaching out to him.

I’m very scared that I won’t ever find anyone like him … who loves me the way he does. That sounds crazy, I know, since what kind of love is this that leaves me alone, without so much as a “see ya later”, no warning, into the cold. It’s just that I did not find another relationship to really replace what him and I had back then, as teenagers, and the closest thing I found…well, wasn’t that healthy. So, yeah, I’m scared.

I really want to believe all these nice predictions but, at the same time, I just don’t. Does it ever pan out that a guy is just not ready to commit and so he goes cold and comes back and figures it out? Does that ever REALLY happen? Or is it a giant myth that’s out there? Something that’s been perpetuated but isn’t really true?

Maybe the cold, hard truth is that he doesn’t actually love me, no matter what he says. He doesn’t actually even like me all that much.

And if that last reader is right on the outside, and let’s say it IS 2-3 months, that pretty much brings us all the way to my birthday. I mean, it could be 2-3 years, it could be never. I guess eventually I would figure it out, but it’s a terrible thing to do to someone, to have no idea if you are done with them or you are just taking space. Figuring it out.

But that’s under the assumption that he knew he was done.

Skarlet, and this new person both tell me to basically be sweet and light with him, not to be upset with the silences, and so on. But I don’t know if I can do sweet and light. I don’t know if I have it in me anymore to pretend like things are fine, when they aren’t. Even though I know it won’t change anything. Sure, I can do no drama, and I can not bring things up, but I don’t know if I would end up seeming cold. I could play the game though, and be coy/mysterious/aloof about it.

I suppose I’m just awful lonely, and I feel like it’s been unfair, and I don’t feel peace with God over this. I feel angry. I feel alone.

Maybe it would be best if I just pretended to myself he told me that he didn’t think this was going to work, and that he hopes we can recover some part of our friendship, and he was going to give me space in the meantime so that I can get over it.

I guess I’m still having trouble accepting that it’s *him* — not some random guy I met. Someone who was always there for me for a large period of time in my life, who I thought was too good for me many times, who I kind of had on a pedestal but was happy to have so much love from as a friend. And then to find out it was not just friend love but romantic love, and now to have neither.

I just at least thought that if I didn’t work out…he would talk to me when it ended. End it on good terms. :/ But then, it might not be an ending..and that’s why he didn’t talk to me? Still. Sucks. Either way you slice it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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