DTR = Defining The Relationship

There comes a time in every “new” couple’s relationship where one person wants to know what things are. Where is it headed??? Is it a thing? Are we on the same page?

But, as all females know, bringing this up too soon can be the kiss of death in a relationship. Here are the only two guidelines you need. Ask yourself WHY you want to know. Then examine the meaning behind those answers. If fear, or insecurity, is behind any of it — well —

Don’t bring it up out of fear. Don’t bring it up out of insecurity. If those two reasons are driving your need to know, then don’t ask.

The time you should bring it up, is when you think you already know the answer, and its an answer you like.

In my case with Sky, I have been wondering, but given the distance it’s a bit funky. A lot has happened since we last saw each other, and both times we have seen each other since this whole thing started, Sky has found reason to freak out (although silly reasons in my opinion). Yet, we say our I love yous, and our I miss yous, and have cute pet names, and talk daily, and basically act like gf/bf.

Today, it came up in conversation. Text conversation, and normally I refuse to talk about anything serious over text since inflection is lost and things can be taken the wrong way. But I didn’t want to wait and bring it up on the phone, so I just went there. Basically, he read something I wrote backwards (to read, I said something like my boyfriend’s friend, when I really wrote my friend’s boyfriend) and he pointed that out – so I responded with something cute and coy and kind of indirect, but direct enough, that said if anyone were to have that spot it would be someone who –and I proceeded to describe him and our relationship.

He said, valid argument. So I pressed a bit to ask if that meant I should say I have a boyfriend when it comes up, or if we were still figuring that out?? (Notice how I put in the second option, to balance out the “ask” and still have it be positive)

He responded with something good 🙂 It was what I kind of thought, that: we get it right when we see each other, but he has tossed gf in when talking about me, but we should make sure we together hold together before such things are kept solid

I was happy to hear he has used the term! I haven’t, although hoped for it, and told him I was happy to hear it and that we are on the same page as far as knowing we have to see each other again and also in what we hope it will be.

It’s funny…looking back over the past..however many months. Though we have had highs and some serious lows where we haven’t spoken at all, we keep trending up over time. I like it. 🙂

One of the takeaways: If someone isn’t speaking to you, it definitely doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of you. Sometimes, men (or women!) need time to clear their heads, space from a situation to see it and really figure out how they feel. Giving that space can be difficult as a woman (SO difficult), but if/when he returns *you know its real* if you didn’t have to chase him to get him to come back. There is no convincing in love. People should show up of their own accord, not out of obligation or guilt or manipulation. And Sky knew, both times he has gone silent for a while, that what he did/was doing was sucky. I didn’t have to yell at him when he returned. I did express that it was really hard and really sucked, but I also knew he had likely already beaten himself up about it so I didn’t need to. However, I was still honest about my experience.

I’m still alive! Getting Back On Track Here…

I hate when you watch a movie or your favorite TV show and the finale episode is on and … you have to know what happens next but then you have to wait such a long time!

Well, I basically did that here-and I apologize. To update: I’m now 31. The guy who I mentioned in the last post, we dated for 8 months and I finally broke up with him end of November 2014. He ticked a lot of the right boxes, but ultimately he was *so* mean to me when he was mad or upset or drunk that it was verbal abuse. And it didn’t get better. I tried to break it off twice before he could no longer convince me out of it. He also had road rage, and didn’t get along well with most people. I know, red flags, But he was so damn charming and cute when he wanted to be! To give you an idea of how much my wants/thoughts/desires didn’t matter, though I blocked him on most ways possible to block a person, he decided to show up at my house a few weeks ago – yep, MONTHS after I broke it off – to try to ask why we couldn’t be friends. Get a hint!

The last time (when we did break up) was also partially because someone came back into my life who had always had a special place, in a way. You know your first boyfriend/girlfriend ever, how they will always be special to you? That guy. 

That guy.. we will call him Sky. Well, Sky and I “dated” (if you can call it that) at 15. He’s a year younger, I think I was 15 because I think I was learning to drive. Anyway, we met because my family had a lake house near his friend’s lake house – so when summer was over, neither of us could drive and one day we decided we should break up because he forgot to call me when cheering practice ended because he had a school dance or was talking to some girls after soccer practice or something like that. Silly, but very serious high school reasons. 🙂

Now, over the years we stayed in touch, at times closer than others. We had a thing about who says exes can’t be best friends. There were days I called him crying over some guy and he’d be there for me until I calmed down. He got married at one point, and I didn’t know about it until the point in time he called me (which he never did) to ask my opinion on a situation — basically she was textbook crazy and he ended up getting divorced three months in. We were the type of friends who could not talk for months, years, but would always be there for each other if needed.

At times did I wonder if there was more there? Yes. He was attractive as a teen and is a very attractive grown man. He is attractive in ways that are beyond physical, those qualities you look for in people – he has a lot I like. So sometimes my thoughts would be like, go for him! But I’d be afraid of ruining the friendship and also I wasn’t sure he felt that way about me; or if my feelings were driven by feeling vulnerable and would evaporate as I got over my hurt feelings from someone else. Plus, he’d be in and out of long-term relationships.. so we were rarely, if ever, single at the same time. When we got older, I avoided drinking with him because I’d say the attraction tension was thick enough at times I was afraid I’d make a fool of myself and ruin the friendship. He invited me to fly out and go visit him over the years, but I Neither of us crossed that line. I was also stubborn in believing that no way could the guy I met at 15 be the one for me, there had to be someone I was yet to meet! Sky and I had always agreed if we didn’t find other people we’d get married, first at 25, then 27, then 30… etc.

He’d make it a point to get in touch when he would be home for a bit – Sky is in the Army – we’d grab a drink or dinner and go to a movie. We’d stay in touch on facebook chat. Etc. etc. But never that close if either one of us was dating someone.

Then, this past November I got a message, we chatted, he was coming home. He brought up seeing each other and I realized my now ex-boyfriend would never let that fly, and likely throw (yet another) fit. We were already having problems, as I mentioned, and I realized I was more upset at not being able to see Sky than pissing off my “boyfriend”.

To top that off, about a week after Sky messaged me, I had a vivid dream of my wedding reception. But it was to Sky. Not my boyfriend. A week or so later I brought it up to Sky and he told me he has had the same dream for years, after talking. And that it made sense since we always said we would. He told me he finally saw I felt the way he did when I told him I was more upset at not being able to see him than at pissing off my now-ex… and while part of him knew I’d be back eventually, another part of him never thought it would happen. He was pretty damn happy, as he told me he had been in love with me the entire time. To this day he will tell me I have always had him, though I am quick to point out he got married and was in several multi-year relationships. He says, he found ways to be happy, but it always seemed like there was something missing.

The story gets good here – and it’s not just some fairytale so while that would be wonderful it’s not entirely realistic. 🙂 It’s a good story now though..

The ex and I had planned a cruise. Before all the feelings were out, I had the wacky idea to invite Sky on the cruise with me. What better way to see if there are sparks and have a blast than on a tropical cruise with your best guy friend?! Even if you hadn’t been that close in a while…what could possibly go wrong, right? 😉

Sky was all in, and rushed getting a passport in order to make it happen. I literally thought a real-life fairy tale was happening. How sweet, right? First love, is the one all along?!

Well, haha while the first day or three of the cruise was wonderful…and umm…bedroom stuff was intense (we had never hooked up like that as kids) — he started to have some serious second thoughts when he learned who I am today. It is also a lot of alcohol, maybe being too loud, etc, and then take him being Army since 18 and he is all order and respect and social graces – well – he realized he didn’t know me as well as he thought. I think I had more realistic expectations going into it since I had only allowed myself to fully feel what I felt for him recently, whereas he had years of daydreaming or thinking about things. Bottom line: we are on a boat together, for a week, and he’s telling me he’s not sure about things, and I’m drunk, and just came off a relationship, and now my fairy tale is crashing down, and I can’t talk to my friends, and…drunken mess.

We came out of the cruise …kind of like going through a scary crash course. As the woman, I’m naturally more relationship and hope inclined. He wasn’t sure what on earth to do now since, him being stationed 1,000 miles away – well – long distance. Which he said made sense if the cruise went well, but it didn’t quite go as planned. Not bad enough to cut it off, but … not good enough to jump on in.

He was home for another week or two, and I saw him once more, it was a nice date but he wouldn’t quite kiss me goodbye – obviously mixed feelings, and that can’t be easy or fun. I was crushed.

But he kept texting me and I went down one weekend, using an early birthday gift as an excuse/reason to spend the money to see him, and we had what I thought was a great weekend 🙂

But, once again, he saw some little things he decided to be picky about and went on a rampage unsure of if I was the person he knew me as, and he basically spun out of control. It was bad. And then he disappeared on me.

Yep, he pulled the houdini. The disappearing man.

Normally I’d let it go, but with 15 years of past I decided to grab the bull by the horns and I wrote him a long message (think long text) about where the heck did this all come from, and…. he didn’t respond. Nothing. I was floored. This was NOT the guy I had loved so much over the years. Yes, we already had said I love you as best friends many times.

So I knew something was up…and not to buy his withdrawal. His actual birthday I put my pride aside and reached out to say happy birthday – he responded, but barely. And then back to nothing. This time, I let it go. no fighting.

It hurt. Like a bitch. But I knew something was going on in his head and he had to come to terms with things, and there was nothing I could do.

Beginning of March, I get a message. One of those, just testing to see if you still talk to me messages. And he has a much more rational view of things, wants to work on communication, wants to spend more time together, was all about it again. That lasted about a month – second month he got much less affectionate through talking and I was an anxious wreck. Then, what i dreaded was going to happen, happened — and he stopped talking.

I tried to talk to him once – and he ignored me. And I didn’t try again. I knew the dramatic what is going on here didn’t work, so again it hurt like a bitch and I let it go.

May was silent.

June.. he makes a comeback again. I get his first message and decide to wait it out a bit. Besides, he ignored me for a month no reason for me to trip over myself to respond to a text. Then, I get a facebook message. and when I arrived at work, I saw I had another message on another forum – from the day before – (hehe, he still doesn’t know I didn’t see that message) — so of course I responded. This time the comeback is even stronger than before, and the week we started talking again he had somehow found out my address and sent flowers to my home, with a message personal and sweet… During the March/April “togetherness” I had decided I would let him say I love you again first, but he didn’t. But when i got the flowers and saw the note my heart just burst open, because to me – that was the guy who had made me think twice about why we were “just” friends all those years. He had once, as friends, surprised me with flowers when some guy broke my heart. Just to make me smile and show he cared. 24 multi-colored roses.  This time, the arrangement was classier and different, some roses but also hydrangeas and I think some daisies, with a nice vase – more grown up. I called him right away, and told him I loved him – he said it right back and told me he was trying to “suck less”.

Each time he has chosen to come back and pursue this relationship as much as one can from 1,000 miles away with a demanding job, things have gotten better and better. Each time it feels more and more “real” to me. We are hitting a stride.

He dipped again a bit, but this time at the advice of a friend, I put more effort in to encourage him, being affectionate and flirty and not letting myself be hurt that he wasn’t returning my text-kisses. But then we turned a corner, and we are back.

… and we are still in progress. He brought up coming home again, and is trying to work it out. I haven’t seen him since end of January, and we’ve had stretches here and there of not talking. But when we are on, we talk via some chatting method almost all day long. And now, we also talk on the phone maybe a few times a week. Sometimes one or both of us is too tired and we sleep.

I honestly don’t know what will happen between us. I’m really looking forward to seeing him again and I think it will really help us figure out if this is the right relationship for us and if we should keep investing as much time as we have – and more. Because, if I’m really going to do long-distance, then I want to see someone more than every 6+ months, haha.

We do talk about the future, and we dream together about “someday” – but we have yet to build a roadmap or solid plan of when someone (most likely me) moves.

Okay, switching gears. This is a dating blog. I want to express what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown – I can’t tell you this is “the solution” or the golden bullet to finding a good relationship, but I think everyone can benefit from some nuggets I’ve picked up along the way:

  • If it’s not right… it’s not right. No amount of questioning, or stressing, will make it right, so your best bet is to do everything in your power to teach yourself how to let it go and be happy with your life in that moment.
  • Make sure you have other things going on that make you happy besides your relationship. Those things will be your floaties that keep you afloat if things should turn for the worse.
  • Meditation, and self-help/growth, can make all the difference in the world.
  • Work on whatever it is you believe. I believe in God. I try every day to work on my faith and trust that if things are meant to work out they will.
  • Be brave. Be confident. If you are afraid to talk to the person you’re dating about what they want, then there’s an issue. It’s not easy. But you need to be solid in the knowledge that you deserve to have what you want, and the relationship you want. And if this person you like/love so much is not the person, there will be/IS someone else for you.
  • But don’t push. And don’t rush. Most of all, don’t bring things up out of insecurity or fear.
  • Yes, actions do matter more than words. But men/guys can be just as afraid of doing the wrong thing as we are. Sky didn’t ever bring it up because he didn’t want to risk the friendship. And he’s a cautious person emotionally – especially given what he’s been through. So words matter too.
  • The people who write blogs promoting programs and e-books and sell dating programs costing hundreds of dollars and have hard and fast this-and-that rules…are mostly trying to sell something. There is no hard and fast rules to dating, relating, romance, and – different things work for different people.
  • The best thing you can possibly do if you are struggling in the romantic area of your life is work on yourself. What do you wish would change? How can you change yourself to effect that change? Then work on it.
  • Realize that your happiness does not lie in anyone else’s hands but your own. Romance, having a special someone is great. But it’s not a sure thing — ever. Even marriages end. If it doesn’t end, someone will die first. You’ve got to make *yourself* happy first.
  • Listen to your heart. Sometimes, you feel / know what’s best and right for you. Given Sky’s weeks of silence, some of my friends thought I was batshit crazy to even give him the time of day. But I knew him from before.. I know that’s not really who he is… and I knew my heart still wanted him. So I was tough on him on return, I didn’t let him walk on me per say, but I also did what would make me happy — not what my friends said.
  • On that note, no matter what you decide there is always risk when it comes to love. 😉

Super late update

It’s been a while since I posted, and that’s mainly because as I said in my last post, I moved! And also, I decided to sign back up on Match.com and use my new town as my location, thinking that maybe men in this area would be different.

That was four months ago now, and the very first guy I saw on the site is my boyfriend. We basically knew from the start that we were going to be together. We even both got carried away and started talking about babies and marriage and all of it, like, yesterday.

But then we got to know each other a bit more and..the fighting started. I mean, super stressful, he raises his voice at me, fights. To the point where I seriously questioned the relationship. We talked some things out, made some adjustments here and there, and my therapist has been invaluable while I navigate these waters — dating I could do with my eyes closed, but relationships are a whole other ball game…!

THEN, I decided to get implants! Yep, boobs. And, best thing I ever bought. I also adopted a new cat, and am now volunteering at a local humane society as a foster parent and photographer.

The boyfriend was amazing during and after surgery — he took a few days off to be around for me. Catering to my every whim, haha. And the first thing I remember thinking when I woke up from surgery was, where is he? I need to tell him I love him.

The funny thing about our fights is, he’ll argue with me tooth and nail about something, and then a few days later have reconsidered and randomly say something that shows he listened and is trying to do things differently. So I’m kind of like, is all the stress necessary? But he’s a fiery person. He’s a sagittarius if anyone has any insight to that! And I’m a taurus, so that’s not supposed to necessarily go well.

Anyway, so that means this blog will be taking a turn, since now it will start to be more about navigating relationships and the stresses that come with that. As my therapist pointed out, relationships can be stressful, and I was used to dating stress–it’s just a different kind of stress. LOL 😀

Ciao

Wow :) Could I be falling already??

So, guy number two I wrote about last time is becoming a part of my daily life. Seems fast, but, so far it’s harmless, texting, etc. And it’s not the usual “hey what’s up” and “good morning beautiful” texts. It’s a 6:00 pm “I can’t stop thinking about you, and I probably shouldn’t tell you that since now you have the upper hand”. Its us talking about small things and then him throwing in how he’s crazy about me already and has no idea what I did to him but he likes it. 

It’s me telling him it’s the same thing. But I’m trying not to runaway with myself considering I don’t know him that well yet. But it’s weird, it’s like my heart sees him. I first saw him and got this tingly feeling, before we even said hello — and the next day, when he showed up to plow out my driveway (without me asking!!) it’s like him looking at me puts me in a trance. I melt almost, like giggly school-girl ish.

And then he hugged me… and it’s like being wrapped up in warmth. MAN I’m gushy right now, and I write this with a smile on my face, but it feels so *good*. That’s what I mean about my heart seeing him, emotionally I just respond to him.

He texted me today to warn me about the roads being bad, then lightly said I care for people and especially you so get used to it! Or something super close to that. So far the things I’ve seen and heard are the things I really want in someone. It’s probably way too fast to think this but I can’t help but think husband material when I see how caring he is. 

Like he is making me want to look at pinterest and pin wedding stuff and listen to love songs. And there is SO much I don’t know about him. It’s like cupid took aim, hard.

So our second date is set for Thursday — dinner. haha, I know, I sound like a crazy person talking about Pinterest and the second date. But sometimes when you know, you know. But then again, I’ve thought I knew before, and I definitely didn’t know. 

How do you know, when you know? 

Still not at the other side!! But, some interesting commentary on what it’s like..

Ok, so today’s post will be about two things — one, where I’m at currently — and two, what I heard recently from a friend who is recently married, aka, at the other side.

Currently, I’ve been dating a guy for almost a month, and I’m starting to see more and more of his personality — I like a LOT of things about him, but he can be fairly arrogant about certain things — his looks, for one, and thinking he’s awesome in general, and how healthy he thinks he is because he has abs. The arrogance grates on me. But is it something that should be enough to make me say “pass” ?? 

He also has a tendency to make plans to get together but not actually go any further than that, so he shows up and asks what I want to do. On the spot. And I’m like, I didn’t know I was supposed to make a plan. He will say we can do anything you want! So I say, okay, well, uh…let me go Google what’s going on today that we can make at a certain time, etc.

And, it’s kind of stressful! It ends up being fun (obvy, cause my ideas rock) but I asked him the other day to give me a few days if he wants me to come up with something. 

He then told me he’s worried I think he is boring! But I don’t, I just want him to come up with stuff. Is that too much to ask? Are guys capable of planning dates — if they live 45 min away from you?

Next, and this is a big red flag, he swears at me jokingly — as in, eff-you (but says the whole thing, not “eff” — ) and that is absolutely not OK with me, given that an ex did that then one day dropped the C-bomb. You don’t recover from that easily. So, no, not OK. And he defends himself. The situation was, some person was going to drive into us and I said OMG OMG stop! And he said I would never let anything happen to you, did you really think I didn’t see the car? And I paused and said, well… I guess, yes, and he got mad and was like oh yeah well how is this EFF YOU. 

So I simply stopped talking, looked at him, and said — that’s not okay. Unacceptable.  And he got mad. 

So we will see…. I def have my doubts. But there are things I really like about him. He’s very very affectionate, sexy as heck sometimes, tries hard to live a healthier life than he has in the past, is an awesome dad to his daughter, etc.

 

Ok so on to the next part about commentary from the other side  — she says, she’s bored. She said when you’re single you spend your time worrying about if you will find the person, and then you get married, and then it’s not a fairytale. It’s just life as usual. 

So, marriage is not the end all and be all. I think we all knew that, but finding the one doesn’t magically make your life feel blessed and amazing every day. I think that really has to come inside from the individual. I do know one person who swears her life is a fairytale, even through all the ups and downs, but I think it’s cause she truly wants to look at it that way, so it BECOMES that. Thoughts become things.

Like with this guy, I wonder if I’m putting him under a microscope and focusing on the negative — like I’m looking for disqualifiers — instead of focusing more on the good things. Granted, you can’t pass on big red flags like swearing at you in favor of good qualities.

Thoughts?

So, I’ve been out with this guy twice now-and he makes me so happy. roses on second date happy, sexy dimples tan skin blue eyes makes me laugh kisses me all the time happy, super open with his feelings happy. its intense but its like love is hitting me in the head. 

The only thing I’m a little worried about I guess is that he’s kind of rough looking, as in tons of tattoos, and I don’t know how my dad would feel about it. I feel like my family wants me with someone from the same type of town, preppy, etc. but, I never felt like I one hundred percent fit in anyway With them. I guess it doesn’t matter what they think though, I’m the one trying to pick a husband for myself and I’m the person who has to fall in love and be happy. 

Plus, he’s way, way better than the degenerate my sister has been involved with and keeps going back to! And my family doesn’t like him but doesn’t stop her either. 

The Ones Who Got Away

Does anyone else ever sometimes think of boyfriends (or, ore correctly, never quite was a boyfriend officially) past and do the Facebook/Internet creeping, see a glimpse of their life and current love and wonder, how could he be so different with her?

One of my almost exes has lived with a girl for two years, and they seem to be very happy together. Dream life. I mean lake house, tons of friends, toys galore, vacations.

My other ex who was much closer to being a boyfriend, buys his current gf flowers randomly at least once a month. The only time he ever did for me was on Valentines Day. Now, I know he wasn’t as into me as he should have been, because he didn’t make me his gf. But the difference in how this guy acts to his current girl and how he acted to me is a huge eye opener and almost offends me, as in, why did you waste your time and more importantly my time if, you clearly didn’t feel anything even close to that, for me.

And I know, I should be way past it, and not even thinking, slash looking, because they probably barely if ever think of me. I mean, you don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about people you broke it off with, especially when you are with someone new and happy, because chances are you put a lot of thought into not continuing it before you decided to break the news to the other person.

But just like…why. I guess there could be a ton of reasons, and the reality is nothing anyone says about why someone decided not to be with you will ever really make sense to you, including what they say to you. I guess at the end of the day, it really means you weren’t on the same page, maybe not for a while. And that’s a shame. But it happens.

I think it comes down to being really honest with yourself about what they are telling you, and not just hanging to to the things you like.

My current guy, introduced me to his family this past weekend. Yep. And his mom is the cutest thing ever. Apparently they really liked me. And we also put his boat in the water for the first time this year, and he let me drive haha. One of the things I like about him is that he really seems to believe in me even when I don’t really believe in myself. Which I guess applies to a lot of things, more so than I realized.

Like, he tried to get me to sing karaoke this past weekend because he heard me sing in the car and decided I am hiding a set of pipes. Okay, I can carry a note, but not as well as some other people. He also would compliment me on my form in doing certain things ..like, playing beer pong or throwing a ball, even though I didn’t sink a single shot or throw well while he was watching me once.

I’m definitely falling for this guy, and it almost feels like I got caught in an undertow and it’s pulls me faster and farther than I planned on. I’m not necessarily in trouble yet but …it’s definitely a little scary.

One of my best friends asked me if I thought he was the one. Haha! Idk yet, I mean, I probably thing that about every guy I see more than three times, but so far it hasn’t worked out that way. Granted is is a lot different, but I would hate to start jumping to the future too much.

I also need to blog about him possibly being deployed this summer, and her hinting at me getting married every time she sees me now. Hahahaha. Goodnight loves.