Well… Idk.

Alright well so things aren’t perfect. I’m not sure how to fix it either. I’m pretty sure it’s not normal to be questioning things this early. But then, it was long distance going into it and he has more free time than I do.

Our lives are just kind of separate and it’s hard to integrate when ur 90 min away. Like no, you can’t just come over.. hang out… Go home.

He’s a great guy. But is he the guy for me in this situation? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can make him happy without running myself into the ground in the process. Maybe I’m just way too used to being single and am beginning to resent the whole having to not just do whatever I want whenever thing.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for relationships, period. At least beyond two months.

Whirlwind Wedding Weekend

…say that one three times fast!  Anyway, this past weekend was a blur, my friend got married and I was in the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, but I felt like my whole Memorial Day weekend was sucked up – probably wouldn’t have if the boy had been invited, but he wasn’t. Sad face.

He was invited to night-before-the-wedding drinks, though, so that was a lot of fun.

But since then, it just seems like I don’t have enough “give” left in me to make him happy. Like, I’m so overwhelmed/worn out with everything, I feel like I need a vacation or just a whole bunch of time to myself. Right now, I feel like I’m like a dog chasing her tail when they never quite reach it. I just have so much stuff to DO and it seems like it keeps on going.

He keeps telling me that I’m tired a lot at night, which is true. But I’m getting offended by it. Like I’m sorry, I have had a billion things going on, and after working 9-6, then getting my stuff and telling you I’m getting a pedicure to do SOMETHING for myself, then getting the dogs together and then driving an hour and a half to your place to get there at 10:30…like yeah, I’m tired.

That was the first time he said it (that weird weekend), then he said it again yesterday …

part of me is wondering if this distance is getting to me. At least during the week. Cause if we try to get together during the week, my day goes like this: work 9-6, sit in the worst traffic ever for an hour (to go a distance that normally takes half that time), then meet for dinner or the movies or whatever. And my thoughts are, I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to sit in traffic for an hour just to get dinner with someone. Maybe if I hadn’t seem him recently, or wasn’t going to see him soon, but i saw him Saturday, then I”m seeing him Friday, and I’ve been crazy busy so it’s not like I had time to miss anyone.

He also got upset at me because after the wedding on Sunday, I texted him to say I was coming to see him (OK, shouldn’t have, def drank too much) and his response was “yaa you know I”m not at my house right”  so at that point, I just though “well, OK then” and turned around and went home since it was already late, and like I said I wasn’t totally sober. But then he was upset that I just didn’t call and see if I could still come or where to meet him. Turns out “yaa” meant, yay, not yaa as in sarcasm, which is what I read it as.

Also, I have lost all motivation to work out, I feel like I can’t lose more weight (I lost like almost 3 lbs, but then I just wanted to eat shit food), I have tons of laundry to do, things like that. All I really want to do is hide from life under my bed lol. Sigh :/

I think it’s also bothering me that, I don’t know when he’s moving back to my area, which he said he was initially, only then those plans aren’t materializing. So then what, you know?

And I also can’t tell if the luke-warmness of my feelings right now is mainly because I’m just so rundown as it is.

Does anyone else ever get like this? Or do I have issues? LOL

The Ice Breaker

So he texts me this morning with some irrelevant comment, which is SUCH a boy thing to do.Then he’s messaging me throughout the day, and finally I ask him what gloriously exciting thing made him forget to call me back yesterday – and he said nothing, to be honest, it was just that he went out after hockey and lost track of time. And he apologized.

SO I said, that if he could remember to just give me a head’s up if something happens, that would be great, because it’s also a pet peeve of mine when people say they will get back to you and then don’t do it.

And then he asks about an upcoming weekend because we were invited to something, and it was pretty normal conversation.

So? Maybe just an off weekend after all and not a signal of something bigger, but we will see.

An off weekend??

So first, I thought I was in love with him. The words just kept crossing my mind, all the time. And that’s how I know. Usually.

But then, this past weekend happened.

I don’t know if he was annoyed that I was tired when I got there (OK, I worked all day, then got a pedicure because I needed time for myself, then showered, and grabbed stuff together to go, so I left at 9. Drove for an hour and a half. Wouldn’t you be kind of tired?) – but, I hugged him hello, fed my dogs which I hadn’t had time to feed yet, then he offers me a drink, we sit on the couch and kind of chat. Then he keeps suggesting to the hot tub, but it was cold outside. Low temp was 49. To walk outside naked and sit in a hot tub that’s half a yard away (maybe like, 40 feet) is a big deal at that point. I just wanted to stay warm.

Anyway, so we’re in the hot tub, and he’s not sitting next to me, so I just start making small talk. He doesn’t really try to change the topic of make any moves, so we end up getting out of the hot tub without anything happening -at this point it’s like 2 AM. Granted, you don’t have to constantly be all over each other but it’s the first time we’ve ever not been like that.

So we go to bed. He still doesn’t try anything. Yes, I could initiate, but his lack of attempting is throwing me off. FF to the next morning. I get up like 4 times because I wake up early, because I always wake up early when something is bothering me. He’s still sleeping, so I make us breakfast. He kisses me goodmorning and says, I think that’s the first time we’ve done that since you got here.

I think hard, because I wasn’t sure, but I think he was right. So then, his grandma is getting buried that day, so I don’t go to the burial but I go to the gathering after, which ends up going all night to about 10:30 (from about lunchtime). We take a walk along the beach when it started to die down around dinner time and we end up making out a few times, OK so a little more normal.

But the night comes, we’re leaving his parents house, and he says, you don’t want to go out do you? And I said, well I took a nap so yeah I could, but it seemed like he didn’t really want to. So we go home, and go to bed, and he puts a movie on, and we actually watch it. That has never happened before. I fall asleep after a bit, and he does too. I wake up at 4 am thinking are you kidding me we didn’t hook up last night?! like wtf. So I wake up him and get things going…

but I had to make it happen.

Sunday was fun, but it was really nice out so I’m laying by his pool topless and it didn’t even phase him. OK. So then I just get naked, and it still didn’t phase him. I go skinny dipping. Nothing. Finally he turns on the hot tub and cracks a beer and a drink in he’s all over me.

OK, a little more normal. But it did occur to me that apparently we needed a beer in him for him to pay sexual attention to me. ??

Then, yesterday, no communication all day, (besides a how’d u make out from driving back from his house really early) so I call him after work. It rings through. He texts me, hey heading to hockey ill talk to you in a little babe   and something else about hoping i had a nice bike ride

Then he doesn’t call me. Or text to say goodnight.

Maybe it’s my fault, for being so overwhelmed with stress the past few weeks and talking it out with him. But, he did always ask me what was up. But I left it at home this past weekend. So, IDK. It is what it is. If he had a change of heart, at least he hasn’t yet really been entwined in my life, even though we hit a lot of milestones – which by the way, he did meet my family, and they liked him. My life is pretty solid without him, so I would be OK. Worst Case Scenario, right?

Anyway, what would you do? Ask what’s wrong, if anything is, or leave it and see how he acts?

 

 

Dealing with (the idea of) Deployment

Well tonight it’s a Saturday night and I’m at home relaxing, and I fucking love it. Haha, late 20’s here we go. Reason being? My man is in the Coast Guard Reserves. He has drill this weekend. So he’s riding around on a boat and doing whatever else they do, and I get me time! And while I miss him (heck, at this point I miss him less than half an hour after he leaves sometimes), I’m kind of glad for the self-time.

I have to say, the more we talk/the more we get closer, the more I am impressed with him and his mind. Just who he is as a person. Like, absolutely want him in my life. And I feel so lucky he feels the same way. I’m trying not to fall for this guy too fast but, it’s hard. It’s like, everything about him pulls at me.

Anyway, so he’s the first guy with a military affiliation I’ve dated. And, reserves is almost a little deceptive, because he it’s like normal life, then all of a sudden, “So hey I might get deployed to (name a place)..but I’m not sure, so, that’s all I know for now.”

Oh. OH. So, you might be ripped from my life for a certain amount of time?

And all of a sudden, I’m being very selfish. These military men, they are serving a bigger purpose. Helping the country to function. For the greater good, of everyone who is a part of the country.

And when he tells me these things, all I can think is, I’d rather have you stay here with me because I just want to carry on BEING with him and doing the young love thing where it’s all heady and euphoric.

So, one of the things that makes me admire him as a person, is quickly becoming one of the things that makes me pout. Until I remember to “woman up” and be proud of the guy who is out there doing this stuff.

When we first started dating, the potential deployment date was end of May. So that deployment is (most likely) not happening, BUT he might be switching stations and if he switches, that new station is deploying to ..somewhere out of the country. BUT he’ll be the new kid on the block, so he might not be sent.

Which all makes me juggle the “would we stay together” question, so finally last night I just asked him flat out. We’ve addressed it by dancing around it conversationally, but never explicitly said, yes, I want to stay together. I mean, the deployment would be longer than we would have been dating, most likely.

Turns out, BEFORE, as in, if he was deploying at the end of this month, he would have said I don’t blame you if you want to hit pause on this thing, and see other people while I’m gone, and maybe pick back up when I return.

..but now, it’s different. He said he definitely would want to stay together, which made me feel more sure about things.

But then I had my own thoughts, as in, can I really do this, I would miss him so much, what if we can’t really talk, he’s becoming my best friend in the whole world and then he’d be away so I’d never trade that to “see what else is out there” – I would stay. But it would be hard. And I think I might die a little inside temporarily. But we talked and I was honest about my reservations, and he said the one thing is you can’t go into it thinking, well we will see how this goes, because sending someone away with that on their mind is the last thing they need.

I didn’t say anything, but even if you were 100% committed, and then things changed, …well, nothing in life is guaranteed. That said, I know tons of people who have done it. And if you can’t be true to someone, then how are you going to be married to them? And if you’re not going to even consider marrying them, then you probably shouldn’t be dating them. I think if it happened it would be a good test. To see how committed we both are, or more how committed I am, because I guess there’s not that much temptation while you’re deployed (assuming you don’t want a military girl, which he says he has no interest in… ha, we will see)

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and we’re going to a baseball game, and then … he might meet my family. 🙂 🙂 🙂 IF everyone wants to get dinner afterwards… if not, then me and him will just have Sunday night date night.

I don’t just really like you anymore

So the person who commented on the last post was right, it was no big deal. It’s been a little since I blogged because things have been insanely busy.

I have a bridal shower this Friday night, my friend’s wedding which I’m in the end of the month, and another weekend like the week after that. Phew!  And, I didn’t have a plus one for either of them. Hahaha. 

I think it’s because 1) the couples are trying to limit the size of the wedding (and cost) and 2) I’m usually the flavor-of-the-week type girl. The not-really-a-boyfriend girl.

So it’s kind of sad, that I can’t bring my man, but – it feels better knowing I have someone to bring now, than just going alone. 

Last night we did round 2 of meet the family. Meaning, the other half of his family. Yep. LOL. He still hasn’t met mine.

So he tells me that it’s going to be his sister, her boyfriend, and his dad and him. OK, nbd. He didn’t mention it was his OTHER sister I hadn’t met yet, I had to figure that one out. 

He also didn’t mention one of his good friends would come (who I also haven’t met), and his friend’s gf, AND his other sibling I haven’t met. 

I’ve also been stressed about finances this month with all the gifts I have to buy, and just in general I’m still not used to getting paid once a month. It’s difficult. 

And I have deadlines at work coming up, and so work has been busy. It’s just a lot of little things.

Anyway back to the family thing. So, it was a little overwhelming, but I guess everyone really likes me (according to the boy, after). I was a little quiet though, so he was asking me what was wrong, and I kind of had no solid answer, other than there were a few things slightly bothering me. 

So one of the things I was kind of bummed about, was that I was a little jealous that he gets to do these big hang outs with family, since that’s something I never had. And he said, well now you are a part of it 🙂

…he also said, as we were kissing goodbye, so I dont just really like you anymore

(pause)

..i really, really like you.

so I said “ooooh …TWO reallys?!”

“yep”

(pause)

“ditto.”