One month and it’s over. Yep, while my goal is to have longer relationships, apparently I’m going the other way. JK, sort of — here’s the summary of the latest guy — had a ton of promise, and basically the shine started to wear off and I saw the real person.
The person I thought I met was happy, secure, beat his past, and was on his way to living the best life he had ever had.
The person I started to get to know, didn’t want to stay in his job (even though it’s the highest paying he can probably get given his background), started talking about being a fitness model or a bouncer or a rapper at 32 (and with a 12 year old daughter, btw); was cocky to the point of arrogant but also deeply insecure, would use sarcasm against me (I love sarcasm, but not when it’s aimed at me … then it’s hurtful… ), would take something I say and go three levels away with it to take something I said and make it a personal remark against him, when it wasn’t; so we were constantly explaining ourselves.
The thing that did it, was, we became “official” because I started to think him not knowing where my head was at was causing problems. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, I just wasn’t sure yet. Anyway, he asked to sleep over on Wednesday night, on Tuesday. Said, I can’t wait to kiss and cuddle you, etc.
On Wednesday, I ask him via text at lunch if he wants to watch the Sox game. He says, I don’t care I just wanna see you. Also, by now I know that whenever he shows up he has never eaten first (even if it’s 2 pm on a Saturday) — so I figure out we’ll probably get dinner, so I’m coming up with ideas because one of the issues was he wouldn’t come up with plans. Nothing big, just oh maybe we’ll go to this Italian place i love and we haven’t been to. I skip the gym and clean my house once I get home from work to get ready for him coming over, shower, put on a cute outfit, etc.
He gets here. Rolls up in light gray sweatpants, a hoodie, a red sox t, and a cap, brim flat and down low. I detest light gray sweatpants. And, he looks like a thug. So I’m like…. oooookay. I’m in heels and a long sleeve T dress and tights.
So, he picks up on my ooookkay face and after kissing me hello (his breath was a little stinky btw) he says I’m upset and what’s wrong, so then I say well I just thought we would go out to dinner or something and you..show up in sweatpants. And he says I thought we were just going to chill. Not go out. I have to work at 5 I told you that. True, but we never said anything about not going out… at all. Also: we have never just “hung out” before. Especially not, show up in your PJs and roll. It’s only a month.
So then the argument starts, where he says he told me he just wanted to cuddle all night and I said, no, you didn’t…at least not what i heard… he said I told u I couldnt’ wait to kiss and cuddle you and all I wanted to do was see you! And I said, okay, but we always kiss and cuddle…. and its just a little awkward I’m dressed cute and you’re in sweats, I wish I knew I would have just worn sweats too…
and then, it’s, i feel like you’re saying i’m not worth it for you to get dressed up for. (that’s him saying that, not me).
and then, it’s, I can’t believe we’re fighting over sweatpants, do you want me to go by jeans? And, I say, no, it’s not the sweatpants, I just need you to communicate more next time, and him responding, I DID!
Then, it’s dinner at a low key pizza place, and him not looking at me the whole time (as in facing away from me, not just avoiding eye contact) because he is now “so uncomfortable” and he “can’t meet any of my expectations” and “i make him feel like an idiot”
So then we revisit the issue we talked about the Monday before (yep, two days before that) about how many we are just too different and communicate so differently that it’s not going to work…nothing against either person…
and him: it’s cool I’m used to things not working out for me.
I’m not a fan of when people play the victim.
Then, we get back to my place so he can grab his stuff he brought for the sleepover, and all of a sudden he gets all calm and starts looking me in the eye. Like, forcing eye contact. Pleading. Being intense. And only when we were in my bedroom. And I’m kind of uncomfortable even more because I’m like, WTF< now that we’re in my room you will look at me????
So I say, that i know this might sound weird but I am hypersensitive because of what I went through (having been raped), and that I’m not feeling close to him after the super awkward dinner we just had, and that if he can just lay with me and watch TV without jumping on me then he can stay and maybe it’ll be good.
He says, I can’t believe you think I’m just thinking about sex right now. I said, I never said that. And he tells me it’s messed up of me to say that, and walks into the hallway, And then he says why should I not feel close to him after the dinner (like, ar e you serious?())
My friends said, if he was that defensive, he definitely was thinking about sex… and my therapist said, he had the opportunity to say, I’m not that guy, of course we can just lay there, esp after me being honest and vulnerable (it’s not easy for me to talk about when I feel weird about sex given being a rape victim, and in the middle of a fight) —
and he left, and we haven’t talked since.
I don’t miss him though. I liked the roses, and the door opening, but … what he brought to the table? I felt like I was pulling way more weight as far as what I had to offer someone. And I need someone stable… I don’t want someone who swears every sentence, or who dresses like a thug. (He even said, “It’s not like I’m dressed like a wigger” …and I was like, well you kind of are. Minus gold jewelry.) Plus he doesn’t speak educated English… he speaks like, rapper English.
So that’s to catch you up…. now I’m feeling a little sorry for myself, mainly because it seems like everyone else is settling down and I’m still searching. And I know all it means is it’s just not my time yet, or hasn’t been, but what I’d really like to know is WHY. And of course, when would be nice too. Instead of just seeing this road ahead of me that doesn’t include a husband, or a relationship, or family life….
I also feel like I’m getting so comfortable being single, I wouldn’t even know HOW to be with someone else, who wants to be close to me, in my life a lot… more than just here and there. My therapist says it won’t feel like work when it’s the right person…