One month and it’s over

One month and it’s over. Yep, while my goal is to have longer relationships, apparently I’m going the other way. JK, sort of — here’s the summary of the latest guy — had a ton of promise, and basically the shine started to wear off and I saw the real person. 

The person I thought I met was happy, secure, beat his past, and was on his way to living the best life he had ever had. 

The person I started to get to know, didn’t want to stay in his job (even though it’s the highest paying he can probably get given his background), started talking about being a fitness model or a bouncer or a rapper at 32 (and with a 12 year old daughter, btw); was cocky to the point of arrogant but also deeply insecure, would use sarcasm against me (I love sarcasm, but not when it’s aimed at me … then it’s hurtful… ), would take something I say and go three levels away with it to take something I said and make it a personal remark against him, when it wasn’t; so we were constantly explaining ourselves. 

The thing that did it, was, we became “official” because I started to think him not knowing where my head was at was causing problems. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, I just wasn’t sure yet. Anyway, he asked to sleep over on Wednesday night, on Tuesday. Said, I can’t wait to kiss and cuddle you, etc. 

On Wednesday, I ask him via text at lunch if he wants to watch the Sox game. He says, I don’t care I just wanna see you.  Also, by now I know that whenever he shows up he has never eaten first (even if it’s 2 pm on a Saturday) — so I figure out we’ll probably get dinner, so I’m coming up with ideas because one of the issues was he wouldn’t come up with plans. Nothing big, just oh maybe we’ll go to this Italian place i love and we haven’t been to. I skip the gym and clean my house once I get home from work to get ready for him coming over, shower, put on a cute outfit, etc. 

He gets here. Rolls up in light gray sweatpants, a hoodie, a red sox t, and a cap, brim flat and down low. I detest light gray sweatpants. And, he looks like a thug. So I’m like…. oooookay. I’m in heels and a long sleeve T dress and tights. 

So, he picks up on my ooookkay face and after kissing me hello (his breath was a little stinky btw) he says I’m upset and what’s wrong, so then I say well I just thought we would go out to dinner or something and you..show up in sweatpants. And he says I thought we were just going to chill. Not go out. I have to work at 5 I told you that. True, but we never said anything about not going out… at all. Also: we have never just “hung out” before. Especially not, show up in your PJs and roll. It’s only a month.

So then the argument starts, where he says he told me he just wanted to cuddle all night and I said, no, you didn’t…at least not what i heard… he said I told u I couldnt’ wait to kiss and cuddle you and all I wanted to do was see you! And I said, okay, but we always kiss and cuddle…. and its just a little awkward I’m dressed cute and you’re in sweats, I wish I knew I would have just worn sweats too…

and then, it’s, i feel like you’re saying i’m not worth it for you to get dressed up for. (that’s him saying that, not me).

and then, it’s, I can’t believe we’re fighting over sweatpants, do you want me to go by jeans? And, I say, no, it’s not the sweatpants, I just need you to communicate more next time, and him responding, I DID!

Then, it’s dinner at a low key pizza place, and him not looking at me the whole time (as in facing away from me, not just avoiding eye contact) because he is now “so uncomfortable” and he “can’t meet any of my expectations” and “i make him feel like an idiot” 

So then we revisit the issue we talked about the Monday before (yep, two days before that) about how many we are just too different and communicate so differently that it’s not going to work…nothing against either person… 

and him: it’s cool I’m used to things not working out for me. 

I’m not a fan of when people play the victim.

Then, we get back to my place so he can grab his stuff he brought for the sleepover, and all of a sudden he gets all calm and starts looking me in the eye. Like, forcing eye contact. Pleading. Being intense. And only when we were in my bedroom. And I’m kind of uncomfortable even more because I’m like, WTF< now that we’re in my room you will look at me????

So I say, that i know this might sound weird but I am hypersensitive because of what I went through (having been raped), and that I’m not feeling close to him after the super awkward dinner we just had, and that if he can just lay with me and watch TV without jumping on me then he can stay and maybe it’ll be good. 

He says, I can’t believe you think I’m just thinking about sex right now. I said, I never said that. And he tells me it’s messed up of me to say that, and walks into the hallway,  And then he says why should I not feel close to him after the dinner (like, ar e you serious?())

My friends said, if he was that defensive, he definitely was thinking about sex… and my therapist said, he had the opportunity to say, I’m not that guy, of course we can just lay there, esp after me being honest and vulnerable (it’s not easy for me to talk about when I feel weird about sex given being a rape victim, and in the middle of a fight) — 

and he left, and we haven’t talked since. 

I don’t miss him though. I liked the roses, and the door opening, but … what he brought to the table?  I felt like I was pulling way more weight as far as what I had to offer someone. And I need someone stable… I don’t want someone who swears every sentence, or who dresses like a thug. (He even said, “It’s not like I’m dressed like a wigger” …and I was like, well you kind of are. Minus gold jewelry.) Plus he doesn’t speak educated English…  he speaks like, rapper English.

So that’s to catch you up…. now I’m feeling a little sorry for myself, mainly because it seems like everyone else is settling down and I’m still searching. And I know all it means is it’s just not my time yet, or hasn’t been, but what I’d really like to know is WHY. And of course, when would be nice too. Instead of just seeing this road ahead of me that doesn’t include a husband, or a relationship, or family life…. 

I also feel like I’m getting so comfortable being single, I wouldn’t even know HOW to be with someone else, who wants to be close to me, in my life a lot… more than just here and there. My therapist says it won’t feel like work when it’s the right person… 

IDK. Thoughts?

 

Still not at the other side!! But, some interesting commentary on what it’s like..

Ok, so today’s post will be about two things — one, where I’m at currently — and two, what I heard recently from a friend who is recently married, aka, at the other side.

Currently, I’ve been dating a guy for almost a month, and I’m starting to see more and more of his personality — I like a LOT of things about him, but he can be fairly arrogant about certain things — his looks, for one, and thinking he’s awesome in general, and how healthy he thinks he is because he has abs. The arrogance grates on me. But is it something that should be enough to make me say “pass” ?? 

He also has a tendency to make plans to get together but not actually go any further than that, so he shows up and asks what I want to do. On the spot. And I’m like, I didn’t know I was supposed to make a plan. He will say we can do anything you want! So I say, okay, well, uh…let me go Google what’s going on today that we can make at a certain time, etc.

And, it’s kind of stressful! It ends up being fun (obvy, cause my ideas rock) but I asked him the other day to give me a few days if he wants me to come up with something. 

He then told me he’s worried I think he is boring! But I don’t, I just want him to come up with stuff. Is that too much to ask? Are guys capable of planning dates — if they live 45 min away from you?

Next, and this is a big red flag, he swears at me jokingly — as in, eff-you (but says the whole thing, not “eff” — ) and that is absolutely not OK with me, given that an ex did that then one day dropped the C-bomb. You don’t recover from that easily. So, no, not OK. And he defends himself. The situation was, some person was going to drive into us and I said OMG OMG stop! And he said I would never let anything happen to you, did you really think I didn’t see the car? And I paused and said, well… I guess, yes, and he got mad and was like oh yeah well how is this EFF YOU. 

So I simply stopped talking, looked at him, and said — that’s not okay. Unacceptable.  And he got mad. 

So we will see…. I def have my doubts. But there are things I really like about him. He’s very very affectionate, sexy as heck sometimes, tries hard to live a healthier life than he has in the past, is an awesome dad to his daughter, etc.

 

Ok so on to the next part about commentary from the other side  — she says, she’s bored. She said when you’re single you spend your time worrying about if you will find the person, and then you get married, and then it’s not a fairytale. It’s just life as usual. 

So, marriage is not the end all and be all. I think we all knew that, but finding the one doesn’t magically make your life feel blessed and amazing every day. I think that really has to come inside from the individual. I do know one person who swears her life is a fairytale, even through all the ups and downs, but I think it’s cause she truly wants to look at it that way, so it BECOMES that. Thoughts become things.

Like with this guy, I wonder if I’m putting him under a microscope and focusing on the negative — like I’m looking for disqualifiers — instead of focusing more on the good things. Granted, you can’t pass on big red flags like swearing at you in favor of good qualities.

Thoughts?