DTR = Defining The Relationship

There comes a time in every “new” couple’s relationship where one person wants to know what things are. Where is it headed??? Is it a thing? Are we on the same page?

But, as all females know, bringing this up too soon can be the kiss of death in a relationship. Here are the only two guidelines you need. Ask yourself WHY you want to know. Then examine the meaning behind those answers. If fear, or insecurity, is behind any of it — well —

Don’t bring it up out of fear. Don’t bring it up out of insecurity. If those two reasons are driving your need to know, then don’t ask.

The time you should bring it up, is when you think you already know the answer, and its an answer you like.

In my case with Sky, I have been wondering, but given the distance it’s a bit funky. A lot has happened since we last saw each other, and both times we have seen each other since this whole thing started, Sky has found reason to freak out (although silly reasons in my opinion). Yet, we say our I love yous, and our I miss yous, and have cute pet names, and talk daily, and basically act like gf/bf.

Today, it came up in conversation. Text conversation, and normally I refuse to talk about anything serious over text since inflection is lost and things can be taken the wrong way. But I didn’t want to wait and bring it up on the phone, so I just went there. Basically, he read something I wrote backwards (to read, I said something like my boyfriend’s friend, when I really wrote my friend’s boyfriend) and he pointed that out – so I responded with something cute and coy and kind of indirect, but direct enough, that said if anyone were to have that spot it would be someone who –and I proceeded to describe him and our relationship.

He said, valid argument. So I pressed a bit to ask if that meant I should say I have a boyfriend when it comes up, or if we were still figuring that out?? (Notice how I put in the second option, to balance out the “ask” and still have it be positive)

He responded with something good 🙂 It was what I kind of thought, that: we get it right when we see each other, but he has tossed gf in when talking about me, but we should make sure we together hold together before such things are kept solid

I was happy to hear he has used the term! I haven’t, although hoped for it, and told him I was happy to hear it and that we are on the same page as far as knowing we have to see each other again and also in what we hope it will be.

It’s funny…looking back over the past..however many months. Though we have had highs and some serious lows where we haven’t spoken at all, we keep trending up over time. I like it. 🙂

One of the takeaways: If someone isn’t speaking to you, it definitely doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of you. Sometimes, men (or women!) need time to clear their heads, space from a situation to see it and really figure out how they feel. Giving that space can be difficult as a woman (SO difficult), but if/when he returns *you know its real* if you didn’t have to chase him to get him to come back. There is no convincing in love. People should show up of their own accord, not out of obligation or guilt or manipulation. And Sky knew, both times he has gone silent for a while, that what he did/was doing was sucky. I didn’t have to yell at him when he returned. I did express that it was really hard and really sucked, but I also knew he had likely already beaten himself up about it so I didn’t need to. However, I was still honest about my experience.

And breaking up SUCKS any way you slice it

Ughhh. So, i guess its apparent from this blog that I always had my doubts, except for the very beginning. But, you still always hope for the best, that if you lose your feelings you can get them back. That’s what happened with me this time, I just couldn’t get those feelings back. And he could sense it. I wasn’t being warm, I was getting bored on the phone, I wasn’t affectionate with him. Nice enough, I guess, but more like .. it felt like a job.

So I struggled with that for a few weeks, and the stupid things my mind was coming up with, and wondering why the attraction wasn’t as strong, and so on. And here’s the thing: he’s a nice, caring guy, who just wanted to be there for me and care for me. Who wanted to make things work.

But I couldn’t get there, I couldn’t match his feelings, so I felt guilty and like that wasn’t fair. And also, with all the jerky guys I’ve dated, it’s so hard to let go of a good guy, knowing that maybe the situation or the timing is off and for whatever reason it’s just not working for you.

And at first we both thought (wanted to think?) that it was the majorly stressful events in my life, and that maybe when that passed, then I’d be more emotionally available, and my feelings would grow. And also, he went active duty, was working 12 hour days, and we basically couldn’t see each other for half of June and most of July… so I’d be waiting until August to find out if we could rekindle things.

It started to feel like I was just dragging it out, and I didn’t want to get to a point where I resented him or had bad feelings towards him. Instead of just feeling sad that for whatever reasons, my feelings evaporated into thin air.

Have you guys ever dated someone, or been in a relationship and had your once-fiery feelings just go away? And you can’t find anything that they did, and you know they’re a good person?

I just know, from my friends who are in love, that being in love…doesn’t go away, when it’s right, anyway. I have newly wed friends or friends who are engaged who are over the moon about their husbands or fiances, and who still get excited when they get text messages.

And I’m dating someone 3 months in and … feel… nothing. Just, meh, either way. And we were starting to fight a lot, bicker, on the phone. Hurtful things were said (mainly by him, out of frustration I’m sure).

And then there was the seeing each other twice a month thing, for a date or two. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship, or feed one to grow. Maybe it is, maybe other people have done it, but different people have different needs.

He accused me of passing on things once the honeymoon phase was over. And of not giving our relationship the chance to see if it could work in August. But I just felt like waiting that long wouldn’t be true to myself.

Feel free to chime in…

 

That Time He Met My Family…

OK readers without further adue, here’s what happened when he met the parents:

It was supposed to be a rainy day, but we lucked out and the sun came out! This was back on Mother’s Day. My dad, stepmom, sister, brother, half-brother, and my half-brother’s friend went with us to the Red Sox game. The plan was to get dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse afterwards, and the boyfriend would meet us there.

We had fun at the game, and then walked to the restaurant. The boy got a table for us, which was smart given that it was right after a 1 PM game, and — when we got there — he opened the door and held it for us. Since nobody had met him, my sister walked in first and said the cursory thanks, but barely acknowledged him, then I laughed and gave him a hug, and she was like Ooooh!! LOL.

So we all sat down to eat. He made great conversation with my dad and stepmom, and I could tell they both liked him. He got along well with my older brother too. My youngest brother and sister were at the other end of the table, so it’s a little hard to become besties when you have to talk past several other people.

Anyway food came, and he starts eating, then stops. Since you begin to know someone’s body language, I noticed that he was strangely still — and started watching him. Then, he got up, and excused himself abruptly.

He was gone for a longer than normal amount of time, so I started to get worried. But, I pretended like I didn’t notice and kept talking with the fam. He came back eventually, and — poor guy — explained that he got food stuck in his windpipe, or swallowed it wrong, or something like that. My brother had actually had the same issue a few months back and ended up having to go to the ER because a piece of lettuce got wedged in the soft walls of the esophagus! They had to use the mini camera scope thing to push it down into his stomach, poor guy!! Anyway, I guess it’s extremely uncomfortable, but he seemed OK and…I would have been MORTIFIED but he handled it like a pro.

Just rolled with the punches and kept on going, laughed at himself, etc. My family is pretty laid back so they felt bad and made him feel comfortable without that pitying vibe.

So about ten min passes and he gets up again, and this time about five min passes before my stepmom goes, OK, if he doesn’t come back soon, (brother’s name)–you’re going in after him.

A few mins later, we send my brother in to check up on him with some water — and he runs into the boyfriend walking back on the way. Apparently, whatever was stuck hadn’t completely dislodged itself, but THIS time he was OK.

The poor guy ended up missing half of dinner!  But instead of dying of embarrassment, like I surely would have, he handled it super well.

Sure enough, he got the stamp of approval from the parents, and then a few weeks later we hung out with them at our lake cottage — went paddleboarding, ocean kayaking (yes, on a lake), and just hung out on the mini beach we have. No food emergencies this time, but he did break out in strange rash on his chest — which faded later on.

So, that’s what happened when he me the fam! A slight disaster story, but one of those look-back-and-laugh memories. He still hasn’t met my mom, but he will soon enough.

I have so many more stories to fill you guys in on! Stay tuned for:

  • deployment
  • a wedding weekend / bike trip disaster
  • one of his best friend’s gfs being oddly touchy feely with him, and the fight it caused
  • making it facebook official
  • proof that guys talk about the talk, and even know it’s called, “the talk”
  • me and my commitmentphobia
  • the 3 month mark

The Ones Who Got Away

Does anyone else ever sometimes think of boyfriends (or, ore correctly, never quite was a boyfriend officially) past and do the Facebook/Internet creeping, see a glimpse of their life and current love and wonder, how could he be so different with her?

One of my almost exes has lived with a girl for two years, and they seem to be very happy together. Dream life. I mean lake house, tons of friends, toys galore, vacations.

My other ex who was much closer to being a boyfriend, buys his current gf flowers randomly at least once a month. The only time he ever did for me was on Valentines Day. Now, I know he wasn’t as into me as he should have been, because he didn’t make me his gf. But the difference in how this guy acts to his current girl and how he acted to me is a huge eye opener and almost offends me, as in, why did you waste your time and more importantly my time if, you clearly didn’t feel anything even close to that, for me.

And I know, I should be way past it, and not even thinking, slash looking, because they probably barely if ever think of me. I mean, you don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about people you broke it off with, especially when you are with someone new and happy, because chances are you put a lot of thought into not continuing it before you decided to break the news to the other person.

But just like…why. I guess there could be a ton of reasons, and the reality is nothing anyone says about why someone decided not to be with you will ever really make sense to you, including what they say to you. I guess at the end of the day, it really means you weren’t on the same page, maybe not for a while. And that’s a shame. But it happens.

I think it comes down to being really honest with yourself about what they are telling you, and not just hanging to to the things you like.

My current guy, introduced me to his family this past weekend. Yep. And his mom is the cutest thing ever. Apparently they really liked me. And we also put his boat in the water for the first time this year, and he let me drive haha. One of the things I like about him is that he really seems to believe in me even when I don’t really believe in myself. Which I guess applies to a lot of things, more so than I realized.

Like, he tried to get me to sing karaoke this past weekend because he heard me sing in the car and decided I am hiding a set of pipes. Okay, I can carry a note, but not as well as some other people. He also would compliment me on my form in doing certain things ..like, playing beer pong or throwing a ball, even though I didn’t sink a single shot or throw well while he was watching me once.

I’m definitely falling for this guy, and it almost feels like I got caught in an undertow and it’s pulls me faster and farther than I planned on. I’m not necessarily in trouble yet but …it’s definitely a little scary.

One of my best friends asked me if I thought he was the one. Haha! Idk yet, I mean, I probably thing that about every guy I see more than three times, but so far it hasn’t worked out that way. Granted is is a lot different, but I would hate to start jumping to the future too much.

I also need to blog about him possibly being deployed this summer, and her hinting at me getting married every time she sees me now. Hahahaha. Goodnight loves.