His visit came and passed. And I have such mixed feelings right now – I’m sure he does too. Mainly because, well – he ended up having some drunken verbal stuff going on, and told me a few things that made me really wonder why we have been doing things, if deep down he doesn’t think it will work. And then I found out he slept with someone else (didn’t ask how many times, or how many people) since we have been “together” (in the loosest sense of the term) within the last 9 months.
When it happened we were at the wedding and obviously I took it really hard. Drunk and everything. But I didn’t realize/know it was a while ago until the next day. Drive back. When we ended up talking about us. He says it was a while ago that it happened (when I asked if recent or a while back) – and I suppose that’s alright, be way worse if it was recent by how it felt, and how unstable we have been and how many questions he had back then – there was never an exclusivity agreement of any kind so… it is what it is I guess. Sucks. Really sucks. I did ask him if he’s seeing someone back home and he said no. He also said he thought I was sleeping with other people….
Then we talked about us. And the pages we are on. And basically he didn’t feel like talking much, but he ended up saying he doesn’t want to make it a committed relationship because we can’t know if it will really work or not until we are in the same area and can spend a good amount of time together. But he loves me and knows he always has and always will.
For men, logic > emotions. I know, I know, that’s old news. But still stinks when it means that you (in this case me) don’t get what you want at the time.
Then he said that in order for that to happen would mean a major life change which doesn’t make sense (or something to that effect).
So then I said, that to me if it got there it would be about life goals. That I wouldn’t have done it a few years ago but with what I want in my life and the things I’m working towards, and with what he means to me, I’d do it. It’s a risk, yes, but I’d do it. He also worries I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship because of his work demands etc and in his words, he “sucks” at times. I said that not all relationships come up all neat in a box with a bow and hearts and butterflies, and that’s circumstance – at the center of it though is him, and I’d still choose him.
But I wasn’t trying to convince him.. I then said that we can’t continue doing this indefinitely forever, and at some point we either have to figure out steps to move it forward or go our separate ways. And if we move forward, it looks like figuring out a timeline we’re both okay with for doing back and forth before a point in which one of us would have to move, or we walk away. And if neither of us was comfortable at that point with moving, then the logical thing would be to go our separate ways.
He didn’t have much input or feedback, which – I understand, I mean, this is maybe new information to him and it takes a while to chew on things like this before you can have your ultimate thoughts. For men, especially, anyway. He just could say he had no idea what we should do.
I did ask him if I could put pics of us up on Facebook, and he said I could do whatever I wanted – I said I just wanted to check cause I know his Facebook is mainly skydiving and if he wanted to keep other stuff off of it.
Well, it’s not showing up on his timeline. So. he didn’t approve it. And now I feel kind of dumb…. but. Whatever.
When I left his place we were good – I mean he hugged me once, we kissed goodbye said our I love you’s and he said we would talk more soon. Then I was turning around and he wanted to hug me again.
Later that day I sent him a text message kiss, which he ignored — or at least didn’t care to respond to.
Today he texted me a “peace out boston til next time” before he took off. I said, safe flight
So… while it was good to see him… I guess in a way I found out that all the love and affection I was getting through texts isn’t quite there in person? I mean it is. But he was very hesitant to take things to another level. Like we didn’t have sex. He does have a slipped disc which caused him a lot of pain, — like a lot — but how much? And nothing at all. Could have been guilt…but.
I guess I feel like I got a bait and switch. Like the floor fell out from beneath me.
He was very cuddly and, the last night we were together when I found out about the past, he kept sort of cuddling with me, only not really, and I was completely non-responsive. Then the next morning we did cuddle a bit.
I have no idea what is going to happen from here.
At least he texted me today. That’s nice.
But overall…the visit… I thought it was going to be wonderful. Healing. That we’d cement things. But nothing like that. It was nice to see him, but he was mainly very quiet over text, wishy washy in person (although he would call me hunny a lot which is his pet name for me/special with us) – and we’d hold hands etc. But not acting like a couple. More like he was there, and I was there. But he wasn’t totally there. And he was trying not to hurt me. C’est la vie, I suppose.