For men, logic > emotions. what else is new.

His visit came and passed. And I have such mixed feelings right now – I’m sure he does too. Mainly because, well – he ended up having some drunken verbal stuff going on, and told me a few things that made me really wonder why we have been doing things, if deep down he doesn’t think it will work. And then I found out he slept with someone else (didn’t ask how many times, or how many people) since we have been “together” (in the loosest sense of the term) within the last 9 months.

When it happened we were at the wedding and obviously I took it really hard. Drunk and everything. But I didn’t realize/know it was a while ago until the next day. Drive back. When we ended up talking about us. He says it was a while ago that it happened (when I asked if recent or a while back) – and I suppose that’s alright, be way worse if it was recent by how it felt, and how unstable we have been and how many questions he had back then – there was never an exclusivity agreement of any kind so… it is what it is I guess. Sucks. Really sucks. I did ask him if he’s seeing someone back home and he said no. He also said he thought I was sleeping with other people….

Then we talked about us. And the pages we are on. And basically he didn’t feel like talking much, but he ended up saying he doesn’t want to make it a committed relationship because we can’t know if it will really work or not until we are in the same area and can spend a good amount of time together. But he loves me and knows he always has and always will.

For men, logic > emotions. I know, I know, that’s old news. But still stinks when it means that you (in this case me) don’t get what you want at the time.

Then he said that in order for that to happen would mean a major life change which doesn’t make sense (or something to that effect).

So then I said, that to me if it got there it would be about life goals. That I wouldn’t have done it a few years ago but with what I want in my life and the things I’m working towards, and with what he means to me, I’d do it. It’s a risk, yes, but I’d do it. He also worries I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship because of his work demands etc and in his words, he “sucks” at times. I said that not all relationships come up all neat in a box with a bow and hearts and butterflies, and that’s circumstance – at the center of it though is him, and I’d still choose him.

But I wasn’t trying to convince him.. I then said that we can’t continue doing this indefinitely forever, and at some point we either have to figure out steps to move it forward or go our separate ways. And if we move forward, it looks like figuring out a timeline we’re both okay with for doing back and forth before a point in which one of us would have to move, or we walk away. And if neither of us was comfortable at that point with moving, then the logical thing would be to go our separate ways.

He didn’t have much input or feedback, which – I understand, I mean, this is maybe new information to him and it takes a while to chew on things like this before you can have your ultimate thoughts. For men, especially, anyway. He just could say he had no idea what we should do.

I did ask him if I could put pics of us up on Facebook, and he said I could do whatever I wanted – I said I just wanted to check cause I know his Facebook is mainly skydiving and if he wanted to keep other stuff off of it.

Well, it’s not showing up on his timeline. So. he didn’t approve it. And now I feel kind of dumb…. but. Whatever.

When I left his place we were good – I mean he hugged me once, we kissed goodbye said our I love you’s and he said we would talk more soon. Then I was turning around and he wanted to hug me again.

Later that day I sent him a text message kiss, which he ignored — or at least didn’t care to respond to.

Today he texted me a “peace out boston til next time” before he took off. I said, safe flight

So… while it was good to see him… I guess in a way I found out that all the love and affection I was getting through texts isn’t quite there in person? I mean it is. But he was very hesitant to take things to another level. Like we didn’t have sex. He does have a slipped disc which caused him a lot of pain, — like a lot — but how much? And nothing at all. Could have been guilt…but.

I guess I feel like I got a bait and switch. Like the floor fell out from beneath me.

He was very cuddly and, the last night we were together when I found out about the past, he kept sort of cuddling with me, only not really, and I was completely non-responsive. Then the next morning we did cuddle a bit.

I have no idea what is going to happen from here.

At least he texted me today. That’s nice.

But overall…the visit… I thought it was going to be wonderful. Healing. That we’d cement things. But nothing like that. It was nice to see him, but he was mainly very quiet over text, wishy washy in person (although he would call me hunny a lot which is his pet name for me/special with us) – and we’d hold hands etc. But not acting like a couple. More like he was there, and I was there. But he wasn’t totally there. And he was trying not to hurt me. C’est la vie, I suppose.

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“Love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.”

Direct quote from our conversation last night. A two and a half hour phone call.

We talked about … first about our days, and then stumbled through talking about his visit and our plans 🙂 We will meet up Monday evening for dinner and a drink or two, then he will be at his place to cook for his family – and I’ll probably take Friday..maybe Thursday and Friday.. idk, maybe more haha off to spend time with him. He wanted to spend more than just the weekend together. 🙂

We’re trying to find a vegan restaurant for Mon night. It’s a challenge but we will figure it out.

Then he asked about the latest drama with my family, he opened up a little more about his past, randomly told me he loved me mid-paragraph to which I said love you too, and he told me he didn’t believe me (tone of voice) so we had a silly quarrel about me and saying things like I mean them/what I say when I don’t mean it.

& just like that – we’re back. Rubber band has snapped back. Dafuq

I get a text today from Sky. 12:55 pm. “Okay. I think I am coming out of my foggyness.”

Yep.

And I didn’t see that at first. He hit me up on google talk and said “hug hug”

Da fuq.

Like seriously.

And we chatted for a bit and now he brings up this coming visit like, what are our plans? Like Oh everything is normal. lol. Of course I respond with something about how I was about to ask him if I should return my dress or not. But I’m being flirty too. Little ribbing because – well – he caved out on me!

A little while later, (some conversation later) he asks if we might want to spend more than just the weekend together. (The wedding we are going to is in a diff state, he has a hotel booked for two nights…) – and he had before told me he was going to stay with his family during the week (Mon Tues Wed)

!!!!

Like I Can’t. Even. And I never say that. I’m sitting here thinking how anxious and oblivious and worried and sad I’ve been, and he’s all “lets do this and this and this” literally …he’s supposed to be here in…4 freaking days. Way to cut it close.

But at the same time… I’m happy. 🙂

And it’s true. As the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus describes in his book – when the rubber band snaps back. It snaps. The fuck. Back. Pick up right where left off.

So … example of not chasing – although I sent a few texts – not pushing – and he sorted himself out and boomeranged back into my life. !!! How ya like THEM apples.

When your friends say enough is enough

Welp.

There comes a time when your friends just say enough is enough and stop wanting to hear you upset about a guy. Meaning they tell you to ditch the guy.

That happened. The one person who was supportive and positive and truly there about it.

I understand. I do. But sometimes you just want someone to be supportive no matter what. When people say, they are supportive, but then write a paragraph or go into a full-fledged thing about their concerns and why you shouldn’t do what you’re doing… well, where is most of their energy.

I have some more thoughts on psychic readings – I keep getting that the wild card here in the relationship with Sky is me. As in I might get tired of it and choose another path. But he won’t. Then again, he’s not the one who keeps getting hurt. I had something similar said to me the other day, that psychic readings and what they think you will do – you have free will – they can only tell you what’s available to you, if you choose it.

I still haven’t heard much from him. I keep getting, from readings, that work is really pissing him off. And the way he deals with it is shutting everyone out (not just me) and white-knuckling it. Today’s reader said that if we were married I would know more but as it is now, I’m the same as everyone else.

I did get some advice today. That if it gets to the weekend, send a message – very casual about needing to know if I should keep the dress I bought that he chose for this wedding I was supposed to be accompanying him to.

I can do that. That way I’m not doing nothing. And then at least I know. A thought just occurred: Maybe he hasn’t said anything about it yet because he doesn’t know if he’s coming or not yet.

I love listening to Joel Osteen’s sermons when I’m going through tough times. Listening to one right now which is about how God will bring you out better from every situation you go through.

Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

It’s Monday afternoon at work and I’m just hit with pangs of sadness. I miss him *so* much. Us not talking is so bewildering to me. In some ways I wish God/the Universe would just send some man into my life and then I won’t have to deal with this ambiguity anymore.

No word from Sky all weekend. He changed his profile picture and updated his status with a phrase that means someone died in a skydiving accident. Out of compassion I messaged him directly to say sorry for his loss – and he replied and was more chatty than he has been in the past few weeks. Told me details about the accident and so on. It wasn’t a long conversation, nor did he ask how I’ve been or what I’ve been up to, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. At least I’m trying to keep lines of communication open. I wasn’t going to send him anything else but .. if someone dies, you don’t hold personal grudges based on lack of communication. And it’s good to show a caring side. but still, leaving it now. Though it pains me.

I still don’t know for sure if he’s coming to visit or not. It’s just a week away. I suppose it’s possible that he could be very nervous.. I mean we have built it up so much, not the visit but our relationship. Maybe he wanted to temper things down so that the expectations would be low for the visit. I suppose that’s better in a way maybe…

Be bad to have the same thing happened as happened in January, where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and then did and it wasn’t how we thought it would be at all. Now it’s kind of like ground zero, except there’s a wedding involved.

IF – and I say IF – he is going the other way, then he can’t be in a very good place right now. In general. I mean what kind of person, does that to someone they have known and loved for 15 years, and then got closer with, said I love you daily too, and then just backs off on them? No explanation?

Not an emotionally healthy one. But people pull out of these things and then apologize, because for one they have to sleep with themselves at night, and for two perhaps the feelings are still there…

I don’t know.

We’re on Day 3 of No Contact!

Hello folks. Welp. A week from tomorrow the man I have been involved with since … December of last year, and in some ways 15 years ago when we first met as kids and dated then, is supposed to be touching down in my state. The following weekend we are supposed to go to his cousin’s wedding together. 😀 Haha buttt we haven’t talked at all in two days (today is day 3) .. annd he has been not trying to talk to me at all since idk, two Friday’s ago? I tried to keep the conversation going this past week to no avail (cue tiny violin) and then I let it go.

I have no idea what’s going to happen. I am spending way too much money on readings trying to put my anxiety at ease. I know, it shouldn’t be this way.

But it is. But it is…

Today, I weighed myself when I woke up and was finally back in the 120’s – I hover 130-132, it’s like I broke a plateau. Then I sang a victory song and took some progress pics. I’m also not eating as much, thanks to douchebag-Sky being douchebag-silent. I made a vow of sorts to not eat when I’m upset, cause I binge on unhealthy foods and it puts me way back as far as my goals. And, the weight is falling off as a result! Still eating, just… things like…soup…salad…blah. Yayy healthy…ish.

I went to the gym, posted some gym selfies, and I have a photo shoot with some other women who model later this afternoon. It should be great, we are going on a schooner with 11 photographers – busy busy – but hopefully there are some great shots from it. In fact, I KNOW there will be. Need to start getting ready soon.

Yes, I model for fun here and there. Getting out of it. This might be my last vanity shoot – we will see. I closed down my modeling Facebook page a few months ago. I just don’t want to be “known” for that, when I have so much else going on and to offer with my mind, personality and spirit. Thought, it’s a great ego boost when someone has chipped away at your confidence. Like when guys go MIA who you are in love with.

As far as Sky… I guess I really don’t feel like I owe it to him or us to “fight” anymore to try to keep this going. It takes two. And for whatever reason he’s running on empty. Almost all psychic reads I’ve had on it say, he should be back this week – probably mid-week. Well, we’ll see.

I talked to a new one last night who, I absolutely loved her profile – and we talked and she nailed the current situation – and then said that it won’t workout with me and Sky. What she said was very logical – but it made me feel so defeated – like, why even continue at all at this point if, it’s not got the chance of being the one. 😦 but she’s only got 137 reviews, and of those a few are negative and some are satisfactory. I felt like, she got some stuff right, but some of the stuff was off or she misinterpreted. But it would be sort-of right. I mean like she said he gained weight or something and is worried I won’t be attracted – but the other week he was more worried he lost weight and was too skinny.

She did say it goes on between us for a while, several years, so that’s a little conflicting with it not working out… and then eventually we move on and date other people.

Then I talked to my girl Cindy, who was SO sweet and was patient with me and explained that, with my energy especially she could easily see the anxiety and fears etc come up and assume that I would end it. But she, and other readers, have always said he isn’t going anywhere, and IF it were to end it would be my doing – and Cindy explained since I’ve been with her for a while she knows my heart and my stubbornness and that I won’t give up. She kept saying it’s all about free will – which I got what she meant after – that basically a psychic’s job is to predict free will. So that does involve knowing a person.

And yes, most people in my position would have given up and moved on already.

Anywho…stay tuned. Apparently my man has taken a vow of silence.

What happens when you track a guy down to ask why he’s been so distant?

I haven’t really touched on what does happen when you do decide to contact a guy who has taken a step back (or..you know, ran a marathon in the other direction) – but, one of my close friends has done the opposite of what I feel/think is best recently so I wanted to let you know about it.

First guy: Man A. A had dated her, was recently divorced, and then did the rubber band. She questioned him a lot and he did communicate. He went his separate way, and then came back about a month later. Things seemed good, and then they went sour again. She again ended up calling him and he told her that he just didn’t see a future with her in that way, and that they were better off as friends.

Now, had she left it or waited to see what he would do – I see two probable outcomes. 1) He says nothing, she wonders but eventually moves on anyway, and no weird conversation happens that makes her feel worse about herself and her ability to find and be loved. 2) He does whatever he wants to do, and the door is still open to her so eventually he pops back in. Existing relationships are always easier to pick up then forging new ones. You already know that at least at one point, that person liked you and you liked them. But instead, he was forced to have a conversation (and this is after several conversations partially about the same thing) and it maybe forced an answer that wasn’t in her favor

Man B: Started off well enough, at first she was still hung up on Man A so didn’t care for Man B. Eventually she opened up to Man B, and then Man B started pulling away, into stretches of no contact. She was sure it was another woman or something like that, so she facebook stalked him and found out he recently re-added his ex-girlfriend. She texted, he dodged and didn’t answer, twice I think – and then she called. He DID answer, and he did have a conversation with her where he ended up telling her he just didn’t feel it in his soul. ??? After two months. Seems a bit early for soul-knowingness.

Anyway, again – had she left it, perhaps it would have been painful but then the door is open for him to return, if she felt she liked him enough to do that. Perhaps timing is wrong, whatever it is, if you don’t force a conversation the man is not ready to have, then the door stays open, and the bridges unburned.

It’s possible that chasing him down to make him have a conversation is what led to him saying what he said about not feeling it in his soul, and so on. Here’s the thing – we all go through ups and downs an uncertainties – if you catch someone when they are uncertain, and force them to talk about their feelings – then you aren’t going to get a positive response. And then that person knows what they said to you, and they can’t unsay it.

I mean, can you really see yourself calling someone up or texting someone and being like hey, let’s get together or chatting after you told them that you don’t see a future or any other flavoring of that statement? No, it makes it much harder. Plus, if you factor in cognitive dissonance, which is basically our own bias to believe and follow through with things we have thought, said or done, EVEN if they weren’t true originally — then you are not going to go against your own decision at one point, because it makes you look weak.

Food for thought.

Any of you experience positive outcomes from forcing a guy to speak when he has gone distant? What about negatives? Comment!!