That akward moment when you see your ex on a dating site

Well, not quite an ex, but I guy I really liked, who broke my heart. Anyway, just signed back up for (eharmony wasn’t cutting it) — and in the first three pages of matches there is a pic of this guy, listed as a 97% match. Awesome.

But in a way it made me a bit happy to see him cause it means he isn’t happily off in relationship land.

I know he won’t talk to me (I did kind of have a fling with one of his good friends about 6 months after we stopped seeing each other, which was about 2 months after he called me on his birthday wanting to work things out (meaning, lie to me to get laid) and never talked to me again).

I feel like this is the right move for me — it at least shows me there are attractive, single guys out there! And a lot of them. People looking.

There Is Hope For Me Yet!


The dreaded holidays and singledom

Well ladies and gents unless you live under a rock you know that the holidays are creeping up quickly, and for those of us who are still single, it can be a drag. Especially the closer you are to no longer socially acceptable ages of being single. There are places that say I’m already past my dating prime, and I’m 29. Welp, might as well pack it in altogether and accept that I have a full life of just me and my dog and cat in it. …

Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, so how are we supposed to deal? Even my brother mentioned at his birthday the other day that him and his gf had a game night and they invited another two couples (and made a joke about how they are dating couples now) — and I said where was my invite (this was before he explained it was couples) — yep, I’m already in the “well, she’s, that’s awkward” arena. And with my friend’s birthday the other week, I didn’t go because I wasn’t feeling well, but it was the birthday girl, her husband, my friend, her husband, our other friend, her boyfriend… and, if I wasn’t sick, me. Yayyyy.

I know I’m supposed to stay positive and know he’s out there and act all gracious, but the truth is, I’m just not so sure these days. It’s hard to be when everyone is paired off (it seems) but you. I actually started fantasizing about how my true love is already married and now I’m waiting for him to get divorced, because, if I met someone early 30’s who hasn’t been married, I kind of think, okay, why haven’t you been married… since I heard that’s how people look at me. Or why haven’t you been in that serious relationship. I can’t even give some story about how I was with someone for a few years and we realized we weren’t right for each other. At least THAT would be acceptable.

Although it did occur to me that maybe the reason I am single is because I have always been a little bit of a girl who walks to the beat of her own drum, kind of main stream but mostly not, beautiful and chatty but also introspective and has seen some darker sides of life, which makes me very emotionally intelligent and kind of more than most people bargained for. Not simple, airhead, giggly girl without a care in the world.

And I never LOVED going out. I would do it, sure, but never felt at home. I always felt a bit out of place. 

So that’s why I’m 29, cruising around solo with no prospects to speak of right now. I went on a few dates recently, but no chemistry — completely take it or leave it (oh, you’re nice). I’m not trying to force myself to like anyone. 

Oh, the other part of it is .. my bro’s girlfriend is in our family christmas cards. Yep. She even joked that maybe she should wear a different color shirt instead of white in the christmas card since she’s not family, and my stepmom immediately interjected and tossed that idea. So it’s my brother who is all set (or so it would appear), me — almost 30, no big romance, not even a little one right now, and my sister, who goes after guys who are trash but ends up dating them for years at a time. I wonder as a parent what you would think of your almost-30, single, hasn’t had a long-term-relationship in years daughter who isn’t socially awkward in any real way. I have a good job, I used to model, I’m still in good physical shape, I’m training for a bikini fitness show. 


And of course, like you reading this I’m sure, there’s the “maybe there really isn’t someone for everyone” thought. But they don’t really tell you how life is supposed to be if you DO end up single. Like, what then? 


The case for not settling

Okay, so when everyone around you is settling down there can definitely a pressure to grab a partner so that you don’t lose your invite to couples nights out. The thing is, most couples don’t want to hang out with single people. They want to hang with other couples. Anyway, I digress.

several of my friends are married with that all consuming, love of your life love, and .. If it’s taught me anything it’s taught me not to settle for, thinking the person you’re involved with is okay for now. ..or you kind of like them. Or like them a lot, except for…. No. Don’t settle. You can have it all, everything you want, if you hold out for what you truly want and keep telling the world what that is.

if you focus on how you want to feel in a relationship and what that looks like to you, you will get it. But you have to have unwavering faith that it will happen.

Now to be honest, having that kind of faith for a person like me who needs to know how when and why, is difficult. But I do the best I can. And I love the idea of being that story of hope for people so I can say dont give up and mean it.

It’s amusing to me, though, how people in relationships take it forgranted that it’s  not easy to find some one. probably because they forgot 😉

movies on date one

Well the date went okay, he’s very tall, tally than I remembered. He’s confident without being arrogant, I like that. We kissed at the end but, it was a little awkward, I don’t feel like I got to know him at all but I guess that’s what happens when you go to the movies on a first date! 

Hey, at least I’m trying.

I did like that he suggested going to the movie and also meeting there, he offered to pick me up but when I said I’d feel more comfy meeting until we know each other better here agreed. 


Growing Pains and Dating – Self-Reflection, Being a Bitch, and other things

This blog doesn’t get a lot of comments anymore, or even any, but I’m going to keep writing since it’s always been a diary of my own journey.  Then I guess I got excited that people were interested in my life, but I guess that has faded, so here we are, back at square one.

This weekend is the first weekend I have been home since I broke up with the latest guy, and as usual I woke up on Saturday and was super depressed. All of a sudden, it’s what am I going to do with my time?!  Good old e-Harmony is still around, but the matching is slow, and the ones who I did start talking to … well, they don’t talk much. So no connections there. 

But, I did meet a guy at the gym who asked me out, and he seemed normal and nice enough that I thought I would give him a chance. Plus, he takes care of his body and I want that in a partner. 

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, I guess you could say — and I think my goals right now are to be a nicer person in general, and to work on being in my feminine energy. That sounds silly, but I read this book recently and that’s how they name it. I did have to play kind of both mom and dad to myself a lot of growing up, and I think since my mom was the unhealthy one I learned a lot of masculine ways of being. All my mom really did was freak out when things got stressful and drank herself into oblivion. Sure, she cooked, cleaned, and decorated, but she didn’t pass any of these skills on really — didn’t teach us — and ultimately I didn’t want to be anything like her, so I didn’t try to do those things.

These days, I cook more (which is mainly driven by me being on the bikini fitness team) — and healthy meals, I try to keep my apartment clean, I do a lot of things I never cared about before. I was just surviving. I always wanted love, but had no idea how to get it — I could attract guys left and right because I was blessed with good looks, but nobody wanted to stay. And I think the reasons were, I was looking to be in a relationship as escapism, and, I’m kind of a bitch. Meaning, I’m an angry person underneath it all — mad at how I was brought up, mad at how my family still treats me, mad at myself that I didn’t know better, mad that I don’t know why I have to live this life…yet. I’m sure there has to be a good reason, but I was so focused on being pissed off about it, that I never tried to really love my life.

Also, I tend to correct and have to be right all the time, and I think that’s my biggest thing that keeps me from being happy in a relationship. I read, that a guy’s ego never mends, it’s like cutting off a dog’s tail — they live ok without it but are never really the same. So, you have to be super careful with their egos. 

The hard part is knowing when it’s acceptable and when to walk away. I think you’re supposed to be in love and that’s what makes you get over the little things, but I guess a lot of times the little things (ok, excessive drinking, living too far away, not taking care of himself,) made me want to be single instead… and, when it wasn’t my choice, it was cause I was denying that they weren’t acting like they wanted to be in relationships. But I thought if I hung out and proved how cool I was that they’d change their minds eventually. I didn’t talk about what I wanted, for fear of rocking the boat.

You’ve got to stand up for yourself though, in friendships and romantic relationships, and not just be the passenger the whole time. Otherwise, you won’t be happy, and they will have had no idea.