This blog doesn’t get a lot of comments anymore, or even any, but I’m going to keep writing since it’s always been a diary of my own journey. Then I guess I got excited that people were interested in my life, but I guess that has faded, so here we are, back at square one.
This weekend is the first weekend I have been home since I broke up with the latest guy, and as usual I woke up on Saturday and was super depressed. All of a sudden, it’s what am I going to do with my time?! Good old e-Harmony is still around, but the matching is slow, and the ones who I did start talking to … well, they don’t talk much. So no connections there.
But, I did meet a guy at the gym who asked me out, and he seemed normal and nice enough that I thought I would give him a chance. Plus, he takes care of his body and I want that in a partner.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, I guess you could say — and I think my goals right now are to be a nicer person in general, and to work on being in my feminine energy. That sounds silly, but I read this book recently and that’s how they name it. I did have to play kind of both mom and dad to myself a lot of growing up, and I think since my mom was the unhealthy one I learned a lot of masculine ways of being. All my mom really did was freak out when things got stressful and drank herself into oblivion. Sure, she cooked, cleaned, and decorated, but she didn’t pass any of these skills on really — didn’t teach us — and ultimately I didn’t want to be anything like her, so I didn’t try to do those things.
These days, I cook more (which is mainly driven by me being on the bikini fitness team) — and healthy meals, I try to keep my apartment clean, I do a lot of things I never cared about before. I was just surviving. I always wanted love, but had no idea how to get it — I could attract guys left and right because I was blessed with good looks, but nobody wanted to stay. And I think the reasons were, I was looking to be in a relationship as escapism, and, I’m kind of a bitch. Meaning, I’m an angry person underneath it all — mad at how I was brought up, mad at how my family still treats me, mad at myself that I didn’t know better, mad that I don’t know why I have to live this life…yet. I’m sure there has to be a good reason, but I was so focused on being pissed off about it, that I never tried to really love my life.
Also, I tend to correct and have to be right all the time, and I think that’s my biggest thing that keeps me from being happy in a relationship. I read, that a guy’s ego never mends, it’s like cutting off a dog’s tail — they live ok without it but are never really the same. So, you have to be super careful with their egos.
The hard part is knowing when it’s acceptable and when to walk away. I think you’re supposed to be in love and that’s what makes you get over the little things, but I guess a lot of times the little things (ok, excessive drinking, living too far away, not taking care of himself,) made me want to be single instead… and, when it wasn’t my choice, it was cause I was denying that they weren’t acting like they wanted to be in relationships. But I thought if I hung out and proved how cool I was that they’d change their minds eventually. I didn’t talk about what I wanted, for fear of rocking the boat.
You’ve got to stand up for yourself though, in friendships and romantic relationships, and not just be the passenger the whole time. Otherwise, you won’t be happy, and they will have had no idea.