What happens when you track a guy down to ask why he’s been so distant?

I haven’t really touched on what does happen when you do decide to contact a guy who has taken a step back (or..you know, ran a marathon in the other direction) – but, one of my close friends has done the opposite of what I feel/think is best recently so I wanted to let you know about it.

First guy: Man A. A had dated her, was recently divorced, and then did the rubber band. She questioned him a lot and he did communicate. He went his separate way, and then came back about a month later. Things seemed good, and then they went sour again. She again ended up calling him and he told her that he just didn’t see a future with her in that way, and that they were better off as friends.

Now, had she left it or waited to see what he would do – I see two probable outcomes. 1) He says nothing, she wonders but eventually moves on anyway, and no weird conversation happens that makes her feel worse about herself and her ability to find and be loved. 2) He does whatever he wants to do, and the door is still open to her so eventually he pops back in. Existing relationships are always easier to pick up then forging new ones. You already know that at least at one point, that person liked you and you liked them. But instead, he was forced to have a conversation (and this is after several conversations partially about the same thing) and it maybe forced an answer that wasn’t in her favor

Man B: Started off well enough, at first she was still hung up on Man A so didn’t care for Man B. Eventually she opened up to Man B, and then Man B started pulling away, into stretches of no contact. She was sure it was another woman or something like that, so she facebook stalked him and found out he recently re-added his ex-girlfriend. She texted, he dodged and didn’t answer, twice I think – and then she called. He DID answer, and he did have a conversation with her where he ended up telling her he just didn’t feel it in his soul. ??? After two months. Seems a bit early for soul-knowingness.

Anyway, again – had she left it, perhaps it would have been painful but then the door is open for him to return, if she felt she liked him enough to do that. Perhaps timing is wrong, whatever it is, if you don’t force a conversation the man is not ready to have, then the door stays open, and the bridges unburned.

It’s possible that chasing him down to make him have a conversation is what led to him saying what he said about not feeling it in his soul, and so on. Here’s the thing – we all go through ups and downs an uncertainties – if you catch someone when they are uncertain, and force them to talk about their feelings – then you aren’t going to get a positive response. And then that person knows what they said to you, and they can’t unsay it.

I mean, can you really see yourself calling someone up or texting someone and being like hey, let’s get together or chatting after you told them that you don’t see a future or any other flavoring of that statement? No, it makes it much harder. Plus, if you factor in cognitive dissonance, which is basically our own bias to believe and follow through with things we have thought, said or done, EVEN if they weren’t true originally — then you are not going to go against your own decision at one point, because it makes you look weak.

Food for thought.

Any of you experience positive outcomes from forcing a guy to speak when he has gone distant? What about negatives? Comment!!


2 thoughts on “What happens when you track a guy down to ask why he’s been so distant?

  1. Nat says:

    Hi – personally no I haven’t had a good experience forcing that conversation. I think like you have stated, once that conversation has been had it makes it impossible to really go back to the way it was before. Despite the guy even coming back, it plants some doubts in your mind.

    • gettingtotheotherside says:

      Agree! Hopefully others will tune in with more stories. There was an article on ghosting posted on elephantjournal and how to deal – in it the woman messaged the man and he replied that, to confirm, yes he wasn’t interested.

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