Not gonna be a fallback girl

So not much has changed. Well, CP is still MIA – I tried to talk to him in a flirty way and he flirted back, but he was neither here nor there about it – I guess the new psychic I’m talking to was right, he didn’t really care if it happened or not. She also said he didn’t think it would change what’s going on between us much either way. Blahhh. As far as CF, I didnt talk to him for a few days and he sent me a late night “so hi stranger” text, I guess he doesn’t like not having my attention. We’ve talked back and forth about random things, but we also talked about getting dinner this week and he never got back to me, so …big meh.

Oh, and then some girl was really flirty on his wall, so I just straight up asked him if he was dating someone, and he said no, why, and then guessed that I saw his wall. So I admitted it but said it would make sense as far as him being iffy about me. He said yeah, and that was basically the conversation.

But then I decided to do some sleuth work, because I had been noticing he’s suddenly friends with new girl after new girl on facebook, so I wondered if he was back on a dating website. Sure enough, I found him on match.

Are-you-Freaking-Serious. There I am, opening up in ways I haven’t before, and he just let me, and meanwhile he’s out there trying to figure out if he can do better/start over altogether but doesn’t feel the need to talk to me about it at all. And doesn’t tell me no either.

Well, I will NOT be a fallback girl, so that’s the last time I reach out to try to talk to him. And then I decided to hit him where it hurts, and I opened up my own damn match profile. He can find it and be livid, or not, I don’t care.

I don’t know if I’m actually going to sign up, though.

Β 

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to know you’re there

I guess my life is pretty different from most others that I know, at least as far as relationships. I watched a movie tonight, it was about a missionary who goes to some faraway island for 3 years and leaves his true love at home, and they communicate by letter mail only every 4-6 weeks or so… and still get married when he returns to the States.

I wonder what it’s like to finally know you’ve found the person you’re going to be with, to leave all the dating behind and the will-he-won’t-he’s. To just be settled. To have that person you talk to anytime and you know they’re not going anywhere. That you’re madly in love with and who is madly in love with you.

I really kind of feel like I’m just in a hampster wheel as far as my dating life – I keep running and running trying to make it to that next spot but really I haven’t gotten anywhere. Oh sure people could say I’ve learned things or whatever, but have I really? Isn’t love supposed to be pretty basic when it comes down to it? I mean shit by now I should have my masters in dating.

I don’t wanna do online dating again, I’m sick of meeting people who misrepresent themselves. But I guess most people misrepresent themselves, maybe without knowing it.

As far as CP, he’s long gone – no sign of him and I’m not really holding my breath on it. I think it’s cowardly to disappear like that. Don’t know what on earth he was / is thinking, if he really just couldn’t handle it, or whatever. Either way, it’s selfish, and the act of a scardey cat.

As far as CF… IDK. I feel like I’ve been chasing him ever since we actually saw each other, and I did bring it up with him (in the form of, wth was the closed mouth kiss) – his response? exactly what I thought: things are confusing right now, i wouldn’t have if i didn’t want to, i’m just not sure if I want to pursue this.

So basically I’ve just been batting out. Some new guy I met called me but he reminds me an awful lot of the guy I dated before CP, and I’m not sure I want to go there again. Not exactly future husband material. But on the other hand he’s older (34) and everyone keeps telling me I need to date older.

But yeah… to know you’re done searching… that you found your (hopefully) happy ever after….

…that would be nice. I’m just so sick of trying. It’s kind of young to “give up” I guess, but at the same time I’m 28. And I haven’t had a “serious” relationship since I was, what, 22? 23? I’m pretty much nearing the past-my-prime part of being attractive, pretty soon I’ll just be 30 and “meh” (although everyone says I look young, so they’re like you’ll be really hot when you’re 40….)

I don’t FEEL that way at all, though.

A tough day – and goodbye to FB again

Today was a tough day. Not sure why. Maybe I was really hoping to hear from CP by now and since I haven’t, IDK. I went home after work to look at what paint colors my parents have, swim, and do some family bonding. It was a really good time. But then my roomie texted me about something I put on FB and wasn’t really upset but was like don’t do that, and yeah I guess I posted something personal about him and he didn’t appreciate it … I can do that, do things / post things without thinking of how it may affect people… I’m kinda dumb like that, always have been, not seeing the forest for the trees so to speak. oh well, we can’t all be perfect.

So, I decided to take some space from Avy, cause she gets me all upset and crying when she brings up guys who aren’t treating me great, and like, I’m doing the best I can, but if I’m not crying already I don’t need you to dig around in my brain and hit my sore spots and make me feel shitty about everything. Plus, I think I found someone better – a better reader – we shall see.

Me and CF have been talking regularly, things are pretty good with him, I know we are just maybe at the very start of possibly getting back together but it’s so nice to have him back in my life. I just missed his voice even.

TBH I’m not sure what I’d do if CP swooped back in now, I guess play it by ear, I mean I’m not sleeping with either of them unless there’s a commitment (which, thinking about commitment with CP right now is laughable, since the guy hasn’t even sent a smoke signal my way in almost a week) ….

I worked on my company’s website again today, I’m almost done! They will be so happy, it’s SO much better then their current website.

Blah that’s it. I’m going to finish my diet coke, brush my teeth, and go to bed. And wait for CF to call me back with his sexy man voice. πŸ™‚

Oh, and all in all, I feel like my life’s up in the air, and so I like to go underground when that happens – and not watch everyone life the family life I thought I would have by now on FB/have people get mad at me for things.

making up…. and letting go until further notice?

I just spoke with CF for the longest time, I opened up to him about why i want to try again or think it’s worth it, and he was skeptical, but then he said he would call me and he did. And that hasn’t happened at all recently. So maybe we have another shot. He’s pretty much exactly the same. It’s familiar. And comfy. Like falling into your bed at home after being away on a business trip.

Then, Jodie called me ripping into CF … and then she brought up CP, and ripped into him too for not calling me, basically saying I’m a booty call and he doesn’t deserve an ounce of my time for not talking to me after the 4th of July phone call…

which, i don’t understand being interested in someone and not wanting to talk to them without letting 5+ days go by, but the author of Men are from Mars says guys don’t feel time the way girls do. Then again, I’ve never had a guy pull back and not want to talk when he was interested.

Like, CF has been texting and we finally talked on the phone today… but we haven’t gone a day without talking for a little while.

So, my new buddy online says, she feels that he has commitment issues and is pulling away because he’s scared of expectations but that it’s temporary … and also to see how I handle him taking space.

Avy was so mean. She was like, you’re not a consideration at all, he didn’t wanna talk to you cause his weekend was booked and he didn’t wanna talk to you in case you wanted to make plans, then you’re gonna have a half-assed conversation which you won’t like too much and then blah blah blah. And she was ripping into CF too and then said she always thought CF had more of a promise than CP, and CP is classic venus retrograde with him showing me who he really is when he’s around his friends and that his more prevalent personality took over once we were out of VR, and that she never really read on him until he started being a jerk. But that’s not true. I had her read and she said he thought I could be life changing, and she was all like oh we like that, etc etc. She seems to change her point of view to match what’s actually happening … like if her prediction goes one way, then soon behind it she’s of the same mind if the reality goes a different way. Like she never said she didn’t like LH until it didn’t work out, and the guy who got hit by a car wasn’t her fault cause how could she predict that, and she thought me and K had a great time when I saw him but we really didn’t…Β 

In my core, I feel that it’s not over yet, too. But, with CF coming back… what do I do? I guess I don’t have to make any decisions right now, because technically I’m not dating either of them.

I still feel like CP would be a better match long-term, if he knew he was ready for a relationship, as we have a similar background and value system. CF and me, we’re very emotionally compatible but our other lives are very different.

I’m just not sure what type of guy I should be with. Someone who makes me melt at my core, or someone who i could really see a long term future with that isn’t based (ok, hardly based) on gushy stuff.

But doesn’t the gushy stuff take time to grow? Is it real if its there right away, or are you playing to something in your subconscious?

I guess I will see if CP talks to me again, but for now I’m assuming it’s over and he was too chickenshit to tell me that. Or he doesn’t know what he wants, so he’s pulling back to figure it out. Avy says he knows exactly what he’s doing and doesn’t care about my feelings, but I dont think he is that cruel.

As for CF…. IDK. It’s an old love. That never took off. But maybe it can. but, he did say he will not date someone living with a guy because he doesn’t trust it.

Β 

Β 

Official in the gray area

OK, so Tuesday … yes day after I wrote my last post, CP called me (yes, CALLED) on his lunch break from work to make plans for that night. He suggested fireworks (even though, come to find out our town wasn’t having fireworks that night… he didn’t exactly research it) and then asked to cash in on the dinner offer I made. I said sure.

He estimated 6 ish for being home, but, didn’t actually get home til about 8:30, so dinner didn’t start cooking til 9, so it wasn’t ready until about 9:45. I made linguini with a white wine reduction sauce, decased sausage and peas. It was fairly yummy. It was nice cooking, drinking white wine spritzers (he drank beer) and just chatting.

I think he *really* liked that I cooked for him. After dinner, he basically launched himself at me, which he usually is pretty laid back and takes his time with hooking up. We hooked up on the couch, which was kind of hot, i was wearing a jean mini skirt so I was fully clothed the whole time >;) and after dinner, he offered to “go out” cause he kinda knew I wanted to….

Given that he was so huffy about the money thing, I immediately offered to pay, and went to start a tab, but he stopped the bartender and said he got this one, so … πŸ™‚ I KNEW the money thing was that he didn’t want me to expect it. Anyways, so we had drinks, got back to his place, and I said, I felt like I should do the right thing and go home since I’m petsitting and he said ok, I’ll see you soon and kissed me goodbye.

Positives:

  • Kissed me goodbye
  • Said see you soon
  • When I was cooking, mentioned he’d have to come up with something better than what I was making for next time πŸ˜‰
  • Was happy to see me
  • Appreciated dinner
  • His coworkers know about me
  • His family knows about me
  • His friends know about me
  • He remembered that he likes when he sits next to meΒ  and so moved himself over πŸ™‚

Negatives:

  • WTF happened to fireworks? But, life happens….

Big Huge Negative:

We talked about possibly doing 4th of July fireworks together the next day, but he said he had already talked to his brother about it and felt bad because his brother has “no friends.” So he said he’d text me and let me know what happens, but that text never came 😦 So I called him, (litmus test: if he was a friend, what would I do?) it rang through and I left a voicemail telling him to shoot me a text or something and let me know what was happening but that I was in Plymouth and may or may not be back anyways – and, no response.

WTF?

Back to playing it Cool as a Cucumber. See if this Playing It Cool thing really does work wonders.

Granted, given everything that happened I’m pretty sure he has every intention of seeing me again πŸ™‚

I told my stepmom my strategy, of just playing it by ear taking it day by day and not really worrying about the future and so on, because most of the time plans dont work out as you want them to anyways, and people can disappoint you a lot several months into it, so why not just enjoy everything for what it is? And she said yeah, don’t play games, it will never get you anywhere.

Avy, on the other hand, said that I just put myself in friends with benefits category by sleeping with him after kind of a weird weekend, and not discussing what things were. In my mind, though, CP and I just kind of established that we’re still in the preliminary stages and figuring it out, not sure where it’s going yet.

She kind of rained on my parade, TBH. I know she didn’t mean to.

But here’s the thing….

  • He cooked twice for me
  • He brought me away for a weekend with his friends who are couples
  • We have addressed the future and he’s never said he didn’t want a relationship or wasn’t ready… I think he’s just scared
  • He liked the idea of me cooking for him
  • He hung out with my brother and his gf
  • His coworkers know about me
  • We go out for drinks

But when I bring up dating other people, he says he doesn’t want me to miss out on an opportunity and he doesn’t know where he sees this going yet so to do what I feel is best if something comes up and to let him know if it does. But I feel like that was a surface answer. Obviously you don’t want someone you’re screwing to screw someone else!!!

 

:)

Well I got on a roll and told the semi-ex what I really thought about why things ended between us, and he agreed. We actually texted all day Sunday, following him seeing a FB post of mine about my hectic move!!

It was nice to have him care…. πŸ™‚

And, didn’t hear from CP all weekend but I knew I would hear from him on Sunday – just knew it. And, I felt it when he started to get bothered that there wasn’t a peep out of me. That may sound nuts but the thought just hit me. Also the new card reader I saw, said I’d hear from him in 5 (days or weeks) and we’d be official gf bf in 9 (weeks or days) … I’m assuming it’s not days but so far she’s 1/2!

But, beyond all that I def understand “the game” women have to play sooo much better. So when CP finally said hi Sunday evening, I waited about 2 hours to text back – knowing he’d probably be asleep already. He didn’t get back to me until about 7 tonight, and then we texted a bit at which point he said he was out with his friends from work. So I just played it calm as a cucumber and said ok have fun hit me up later

annnd an hour ago or so, he commented on one of my fb statuses—first time ever. πŸ™‚Β Β  It was a song lyrics by kenny chesney. It’s so interesting how, when you play the game strategically, it’s a lot easier to get what you want!!