Hello all, (or more realistically – hello nobody reading this except me until sometime in the future when I want to look back and see how far I’ve come?)
Welp. I sent Sky two more messages since my last post. Once was the weekend after the last post – the house he used to stay in/at when we met had been taken down, and I was visiting my family’s place so took a pic and sent it to him – we went back and forth for a few lines, he said it was sad and that was about it.
But, no messages from him.
Ugh. Things got so bad. Like, really. I mean, 24-hour zombie took over my body living status. No Fucks Given about Anything. Including eating, which meant I lost a couple pounds (yippee) — but then I started eating like crap, cause I figured it was better than eating nothing. And now I’m slowly going back to normal. I even started going to the gym again (yayyy, me) and faced a stern talking to by my less-than-pleased trainer who now thinks I’m a quitter. I told him I was going through some stuff and was back now, but he was a skeptic. Sidenote: My trainer is so hot. But he’s all happy in a relationship. And he’s like, 10 years younger than me or some shit. LOL. #cougarintraining
Anyway… scraping my way out of depressionville I went up to NH to hang with my Dad. Told him more details of the story. It was nice to let it all out. I’m the type who is generally there for everyone else, but not many people are there for me. Really, any, at times. Anyway, I ended up being inspired to send another message to Sky, one was more heartfelt. Short but sweet. Love you miss you type thing. But I sent it at 10:30 on a Sat night, so then I sent him another one the next day, explaining I meant it and some more stuff that was deep and kind of long. Not asking anything of him, but things I wanted to say and haven’t gotten a chance to, that I noticed about him. I prayed on it, wasn’t sure if I was supposed to send it, but got an immediate answer “Yes” so I hit send.
According to the chat heads, he read it. And also, has not responded. 
but seriously, da fuq?
Like, you’re gonna take everything we’ve been through since last December, (that’s almost 10 months!!!!) come visit me finally, then just peace the F out on uncertain terms and drop it? What the heck was the point of all that time spent talking?
And what about the last 15 years of friendship? Like oh, I guess this isn’t going anywhere, I might as well just not talk to her. How about: we’ve been super close for a good chunk of the last year and I should talk to her and make sure she understands and doesn’t now hate me forever? Of course, I let him back in the past two times, why would he think there was any urgency this time — although there is a big difference in, he actually spent time with me. We went to a wedding together. Etc.
I also cancelled my Bitwine account (yay!) – I’m just done with the readers there. Honestly, I WAS so impressed with one of them, but her last two reads were all over the place, so I’m done. AAG’s reads have been accurate, but timing has been off, and she’s expensive for the time. And she doesn’t see the bad stuff. And the final one who I like, she gets frustrated with me. She says it’s not me, it’s that she wishes the situation would get fixed faster, but her justifications were starting to bother me – like – she would say, the not communicating is cause he gets sidetracked and you play a part since he asked you to keep him on track. I say, but it should be both ways. And she says: it’s my expectations making me upset, but he’s the one who said we would “talk more soon” – almost a month ago. Being sidetracked and not doing what you said you were going to do (soon is relative – but not that relative) – that doesn’t really address a person not talking to you who supposedly loves you, even thought they think they can’t be with you. So. Apparently, not, huh?
On the bright side…
Skarlet (my intuitive I will stay with) explained what’s going on with him to me, that basically because of what he said he’s talking himself out of talking to me – sticking with his sentiments of, it can’t be a relationship since I live there and you live here type thing. But she says that thought will dissipate over time, he can’t get me out of his mind and never will be able to.
And if I don’t contact him he will surely contact me, as warm and fuzzies will start to bubble up in him and he won’t have time to talk himself out of trying to talk to me. And so on and so forth. But who knows when that will be…
She’s also got her prediction (and has said several times now) that this is the man I’m going to marry. She laughs cause she says I know you aren’t even talking, but that’s what I get. And that when it does come together, it won’t be me moving to get my own place; rather it would be, I know I love you and I want this to work, let’s move in together and if it does, let’s get married.
I wish I had emojis to use right now, but I don’t–so will just say, that while I would love it if it happens, I can’t really hitch my horse to something that has yet to even materialize haha insofar as we aren’t speaking. She does say, though, that it’s a long road and it won’t be a fairy tale (though we will have fairy tale moments) as this is a soul connection and those types of relationships are never easy. And she always said there was a back and forth energy that continues for a while — so I guess this is the “back”.
Well, anyway, we will see. I need to give myself time to heal, grieve what I thought we were building (and what we did build) and come to terms with..well, the reality of my new situation here. And the deep loneliness that goes along with that. I feel like I lost an arm or something. Like an actual part of me is missing. And I guess when all the dust really settles inside my aching heart (cue tiny violin) then I will know whether it’s time to put myself out there, really try, again.
Granted, I feel like that would take a really long time. Sky was the *one* person I thought I could count on for anything. He was the *one* person who literally, before we got involved, never let me down. I knew he cared about me SO much, and I always kind of used his love as a measuring stick for what I should search for in a man I would marry and/or choose to be with. Nobody ever really met his level of caring, and in some ways that’s why I thought it was never really truly right. Because when someone really truly cares about you, you can feel it.
So getting over THAT kind of …betrayal? Is that what this is? would naturally take a while. Honestly doubt I’d ever truly be the same. And I would even kind of think that then, I’d know things would never be the same. Like I’d be settling for some surface level interaction where I felt like they never truly knew or cared or loved me for all that I am. I’m sure I could find someone to be happy enough with and settle down eventually… but it’s like I’d be operating without my heart. You know?
Still. If Sky really is gone from my life and this was not meant to continue on, then I can’t honestly believe that God would want me alone, without a human companion, for my entire life.
I guess I can’t really have any regrets here though. I went after the man I had the deepest feelings for, for a long time, scared that he would be like “umm, no” and it turned out he felt even more than I did for a longer time. We felt the same, but different, as he knew on some level what he wanted – I didn’t. And then I gave it everything I had for a solid stretch of this year, even when he wavered and dropped off the face of the earth the previous two times, once for no apparent reason, and I was ready to give up everything to really give it a shot and move my life if it seemed like this was going to be the real deal.
I even told him that this past visit, in other terms, but it basically fell on deaf ears. No response. No real acknowledgement of what I said.
So, I guess I can’t regret that. Now I know, that he’s not the one who got away, since – well – I came back to him. It’s just that I have a real hard time believing most things he said to me, if this is how it is going down. If he really loved me that deeply, for that long, wouldn’t you want to actually be with the person? Really try? Not half-try and monopolize most of their time and their romantic life for the better part of a year and then just disappear?
It just doesn’t add up.
But anyway, that’s all the information I have, so that’s the only real conclusion I can make. The truth will come out eventually, it always does.
So yeah. No regrets as I’ve said. If we never speak again, I guess I can live my life knowing that I really did try with the person I thought was my truest love.
But as it stands, he wouldn’t be able to say the same. What we did this year- that’s not trying much. It’s talking. Growing close emotionally. But at a safe distance. So.
*I* would have no regrets. But he probably would. And I guess that’s not my problem, since I can’t control him.
So from here I guess I let time pass. Continue on with my life. Try to have fun, and enjoy what’s here in my day-to-day. Focus on being thankful for things. And eventually, if there is no more to be said here and our story is done, this will be a part of the past. My life will have new pages, and each page will bring me further away from what we were creating together. And then one day, I would decide to take my heart (or what’s left of it) and start again. I am a beautiful person, inside and out, and I have so much to give to someone. It wouldn’t be fair to keep my light to myself for all of my life just because the person I was so sure would never let me down, at least to that extent, did.
gettingtotheotherside 