QLC: It’s easier to date, than make new girl friends

Hi guys,

So one of the things I’ve been talking about with my therapist, that kind of has been a recurring theme, is the lack of really good friends in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, but in some ways I feel like I have not to really be myself around them. One in particular is recently married, and a friend of hers I was also friends with is married, so their lives are now completely different than mine. When we get together for dinner or drinks, they don’t really want to talk about dating stories. In fact, with the recent break up, they said they really liked him and the girl I was / am closer with was really dissapointed that I made the decision. She actually “forgot” everything I told her and then asked if he was still coming to the couples dinner she arranged, and I said that would be a little akward, and she said no it wouldn’t, are you guys still together? And I was like…no, we broke up a week and a half ago. And she goes, oh, then why would you invite him.

 

Yep, that’s what I was *saying*. And those are the friends who have “moved” kind of far away. I have another friend who is the same distance away but in a different direction. She’s good, but very chatty — she also runs with a different type of crowd than I do. I am not completely shallow, but I do my part to make my hair, makeup (not ALL the time, but when I go out, etc), clothes, body etc look good. I care about appearances, I guess, and love her, but she doesn’t make it as much of a priority I suppose, and nor do the people she runs with.

As for local friends, again they are in serious committed relationships, if not engaged. Great gals, but once you’re in a twosome, your social schedule is filled with their stuff and your stuff, also, you’re not really thinking of going out for drinks staying out late, etc. Two are single, but flaky as heck. There’s one other girl who is super sweet, maybe I should try to develop a friendship with her more.

Anyway, as you can see, I have friends, but I don’t think I have any close friends. Mainly because our lives aren’t similar.

That’s another caveat to being almost 30 and single, I guess, is that by now a good number of you friends have graduated from the single thing, or the dating thing, to marriage and babies land, and they are kind of bored by your dating antics, where as you used to be able to drink wine together and talk about everything.

So as I said I’ve been talking to my therapist about this, and she says it’s probably one of the most common threads she talks about with her clients. Which is amazing to me, because I never hear about it from my friends, even “facebook friends” – which seem to have the time of their lives, all the time — but I’m not invited, for whatever reason. I actually got told at wedding once to stop dancing with a group of girls because I was too pretty and made them all look bad. I don’t know if they were serious, these girls were pretty too, and to be honest I don’t think I’m drop-dead gorgeous or anything. I’m OK, I hold my own, and I know I look good when I put effort in. But still, I’d rather be a part of that group of girls, than be kept out for that reason. HA!

She (therapist) then told me about websites women made with the express purpose of making women friends. Not dating, just friendship. There are two: girlfriendcircles.com and socialjane.com. Another one actually hits Google ranking higher, but it’s a crap website. You have to pay for both those sites, but I ended up joining girlfrindcircles.com because they take a slightly different approach, they try to arrange group meet ups so it’s not an awkward one on one thing. So, we’ll see how that goes.

I’m also just bummed out about how my life is right now, I have to find a new roommate and I really like my current roommate, and then obvy the breakup – it’s tough being single again, although I know it was the right thing to do. But I’ve been hit on three times already in the two weeks I’ve been single, no makeup, no effort, just out at a bar at trivia with my brother, his gf, and one of the friends mentioned above. And then at a concert the other week. Not totally amazed by either, although I agreed to get brunch with one and then blew him off.

There is also the guy upstairs, who I’ve been talking to. He seems super cool, but where you live things can be very tricky. Very easy to talk to though, down to earth. But I think he dips, which is gross.

Actually I feel better even just writing this all down. Sometimes, I feel like this “identity secret” diary is the only place I can really say my thoughts.

 

 

Just because he’s a good guy, doesn’t mean he’s the right guy

My recent breakup was def a difficult decision for me to arrive at because, if you’re used to dating jerks, then you date a good guy, and you have spark, but you lose it… may just mean he isn’t the right person for you. Which is a tough realization to come to. 

It’s also kind of life-sucking, like, some people have it so much easier finding and meeting the right person. I’m definitely taking time off because I just am worn out, but in a different way than before, not jaded worn out, it’s just that something is not working for me in the dating realm, and I’m tired of it all. 

 

And breaking up SUCKS any way you slice it

Ughhh. So, i guess its apparent from this blog that I always had my doubts, except for the very beginning. But, you still always hope for the best, that if you lose your feelings you can get them back. That’s what happened with me this time, I just couldn’t get those feelings back. And he could sense it. I wasn’t being warm, I was getting bored on the phone, I wasn’t affectionate with him. Nice enough, I guess, but more like .. it felt like a job.

So I struggled with that for a few weeks, and the stupid things my mind was coming up with, and wondering why the attraction wasn’t as strong, and so on. And here’s the thing: he’s a nice, caring guy, who just wanted to be there for me and care for me. Who wanted to make things work.

But I couldn’t get there, I couldn’t match his feelings, so I felt guilty and like that wasn’t fair. And also, with all the jerky guys I’ve dated, it’s so hard to let go of a good guy, knowing that maybe the situation or the timing is off and for whatever reason it’s just not working for you.

And at first we both thought (wanted to think?) that it was the majorly stressful events in my life, and that maybe when that passed, then I’d be more emotionally available, and my feelings would grow. And also, he went active duty, was working 12 hour days, and we basically couldn’t see each other for half of June and most of July… so I’d be waiting until August to find out if we could rekindle things.

It started to feel like I was just dragging it out, and I didn’t want to get to a point where I resented him or had bad feelings towards him. Instead of just feeling sad that for whatever reasons, my feelings evaporated into thin air.

Have you guys ever dated someone, or been in a relationship and had your once-fiery feelings just go away? And you can’t find anything that they did, and you know they’re a good person?

I just know, from my friends who are in love, that being in love…doesn’t go away, when it’s right, anyway. I have newly wed friends or friends who are engaged who are over the moon about their husbands or fiances, and who still get excited when they get text messages.

And I’m dating someone 3 months in and … feel… nothing. Just, meh, either way. And we were starting to fight a lot, bicker, on the phone. Hurtful things were said (mainly by him, out of frustration I’m sure).

And then there was the seeing each other twice a month thing, for a date or two. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship, or feed one to grow. Maybe it is, maybe other people have done it, but different people have different needs.

He accused me of passing on things once the honeymoon phase was over. And of not giving our relationship the chance to see if it could work in August. But I just felt like waiting that long wouldn’t be true to myself.

Feel free to chime in…