A soul connection you say? I’m so sorry.

One of the things that helps me on my journey with Sky is that the type of relationship has been described a million times. And I don’t mean as a new guy who just drops out when it seemed so good… I mean after it’s been confirmed that things are mutual and they love you as much as you love them.

It’s called a soul connection.

And it’s probably the most amazing, most wonderful, most horrifying and ego-destroying experience I’ve ever been through.

Yesterday I spent all day reading articles on Soul Connections by Steve Gunn and Jean Green and now I’m reading content on Victoria Zaitz’s site. I ended purchasing a consultation with Steve Gunn and honestly, within ten minutes he tapped into some of the most extreme, worst pain I have had in my life. I used to feel it a lot in college, my senior year, and I would end up curled up in a ball literally crying and screaming from the sheer force of the emotional pain. Even writing about it now I still can’t quite comprehend how it was that bad, but it was. The only answer is it wasn’t actually about the event that triggered it, but that it chipped away and hit an oil reserve, but instead of oil it was buried pain.

Over the years I trained my brain into ways of “dealing with it”, but really maybe I was just pushing it further down. Things like, meditation, ancestral clearing, andara crystals, yoga, learning about buddhist ways of life, positive affirmations. But apparently it’s still there, because when I got close to someone and they rejected me in a completely careless way, all that raw pain and belief that I will never be loved by another person and will spend my life alone, like I’m some mistake of life and will never be happy, is right there again.

And everything I have worked for comes tumbling down, and nothing matters. And that’s kind of how I feel right now. It’s identifiable as depression, symptomatically that’s what it looks like — and oh yeah, I was on meds for that for a while, too.

But back to soul connections. While it’s placating to know that this type of relationship happens over and over again, that blows way past conventional relationships — the fact that I have to experience it and live through it remains the same. I honestly wouldn’t wish a soul connection on anyone, with the runner phase. Imagine having the greatest earthly love you’ve ever known, feeling blessed beyond belief, only to have it wrenched from your hands completely. No explanation. A completely cut-off, as if your part in their life meant absolutely nothing to them at all. Like one day they woke up and all their feelings for you had evaporated and they couldn’t remember why they thought they loved you in the first place. Except they knew that was odd, so they couldn’t tell you that and just left you, like someone breaking out of jail. Keeping everything normal until they saw their opportunity to run for the hills.

I have learned not to chase at all, as much as it kills me not to try. Part of me knows it doesn’t work with him — reaching out to try to get him to address what’s goin on with us. (which is apparently the case with all runners, after all if they were ready for a real, committed, honest relationship then they wouldn’t run, would they?)

And so I tried to run my life as usual but you can’t run from pain forever. I was hoping Sky would be back before I had to face the pain. The pain drowns me completely.  I am only ever happy when my mind is completely busy, the second it has freedom is the second I return to… a vast emptiness, and a huge loneliness and longing for my other half.

Half of me hopes that he won’t come back this time, that I can heal and be free and just write it off as another completely failed attempt at love. Actually, one of the worst disasters I’ve had in a long time. But I know in a way he has to.

But a larger part of me wants that love, that warm feeling just having him in my life in any way envelops me in. Still. He has to heal himself in order for that to happen.

His issues are the same as mine in a way. He is a high-functioning, respected person in his community who can’t maintain a functioning emotional connection …and we both know we are not whole as individuals. The last I knew he wouldn’t talk about his ex-wife, and he is still angry at his mom for abandoning him, and these are the things that creep up and scare him from entering into a relationship with me. Or, with anyone, really.

My hope is we heal each other and then get to be together, because truly I love nobody more than I love him. I never have, and I doubt that I ever will at this point — but life has a way of surprising you, so maybe somebody amazing will come into my life and what we had will seem like a strange joke, a wrinkle in the blanket of my life that needed to be ironed out.

…so yeah, soul connections. I hope you are one of the lucky ones who just gets to meet the person, build a normal relationship and marry and live happily ever after (for the most part). Soul connections are not for the faint of heart.

It’s funny, my first lesson on how the Universe *truly* works — and you know how she will burn down a forest and then re-grow it? It’s like that. When you experience a soul connection, you won’t know what it is until you’re in the devastating part of it. You’re probably the stayer since the runner won’t Google anything about the relationship etc. But once you read about it … it makes sense. And you understand why your emotional life is being burned down. Because Universe saw some stuff going on she didn’t like, so she sent the fire to make you start new, stronger, better.

 

 

Reading Roundup

Since Sky is …clearly not talking to me right now… I spoke with Skarlet recently. I don’t think I will talk to her again for a while, because i just have this odd sense that while she might be right about things, nothing is really going to come together for a while.

She basically said a lot of stuff that made sense and is probably right, but ultimately doesn’t make me all that happy…

The basics are… he’s back “in control” from feeling out of control with emotion and has a lot of willpower (that’s true from what I know of him). He misses me and thinks of me often. He doesn’t know what to do, is about 80% certain that I’m not going anywhere when we don’t talk, and is afraid if he has nothing to say and we do talk I will end up finding him and his life boring and will decide I don’t want that. He can’t handle the idea of him giving his heart to me and me actually walking away, and he has enough experience to have heard of many women who left their military men when the man became hyper-focused on his career. And mostly, he wants to move ahead in his career so he can settle down, as he feels like he can’t right now. He knows he loves me, and I love him.

…which is all very nice, except. He hasn’t told me a single word of that. I had to call a psychic to find that out. She of course said that if I did want to reach out, how to do it and that it would have a positive effect, and if I don’t that it will take longer, but it’s a neutral effect and then he will talk to me eventually.

She also told me he has opportunities there, but isn’t interested in anyone. Isn’t letting anyone into his heart.

Blah, blah, blah. My decision is, I’m not reaching out again at all. I mean, this is a guy who took a full day to respond to my happy new year text. And his response was very much, not something that opens a conversation.

But mostly, I have been wondering if the only reason this is still going is because of the messages I sent on holidays and so on. And I asked why it seemed like things were better over the summer than they are now. And she said because I’m expecting a relationship that progresses, a man who is pursuing and he’s not, because he can’t.

She maintains that he will, when he figures it out. But only God knows when that’s going to be, and by his Sky’s) estimation he’s solid military until 2018. So.

Basically..the truth of the matter is, this guy has all these thoughts, and the end of them is that he can’t be with me right now. Except he didn’t want to tell me that.

 ______________________________

Spoke with Gaylene… haven’t chatted with her in a while, but figured I’d give her another shot given she has been right for me, and sometimes she’s awesome with timing. Other times way off.

Here’s what she said. There is going to be the opportunity, he pops back up communication wise. Where he is right now/mindset is temporary. Temporary meaning, his quiet is him reviewing his life and where he wants things to go with me.

He goes home, starting to evaluate. He lives pretty far, doesn’t want to move back. He’s frustrated, can’t/doesn’t want to move back.

He doesn’t feel like I can move because of my work and family…

Will the situation be resolved/so we can be together? It’s something that can be overcome with time; he  we communicate pretty regularly over the internet but not recently — he gets down and depressed. He just went back?

He is going to start spending more time communicating. He panics/gets really down when he has to go.

He is going to start to – not work harder, but he is focused. He tries to keep things very straight, regimented. When he was here, he sticks to a tough schedule. That doesn’t say that he doesn’t want or like what he has with me — he does. He tells her he does communicate with me via the Internet.

When?

He said I love you — he is going to start communicating with me more, quiet a bit going on with him. He tries to hide from his emotions, having a harder time doing that. He cares for me and does love me, but doesn’t know how he’s going to hand an actual relationship given that we are in different places. He will, but he doesn’t know how.

He is in a prickly situation a bit he doesn’t have a lot of time off, he doesn’t have a normal life, he feels very abnormal.

He figures it out – where there’s a will there’s a way. He will figure out how to make things happen. Why? He wants to. Timing: 5-7. 5-7 hours, 5-7 o’clock, maybe 15th-17th.

His silence doesn’t have anything to do with not liking me, he just doesn’t know how to make it possible.

How he fixes it — his idea is we get married and then we can be together. He feels like we if we take it very seriously that’s how we can be together. He will pop it out there as an p. He wants to see me more consistently, the only way for that to happen is for me to be close to his base. He has ideas going on – more drastic ideas than good ideas.

7-8 for timing on that, could be July – August. Comes up with some big ideas to bring us closer together.

When he comes through with it, I’m going to be very happy.

__________________________________

And I’ve been having a … not so great day, today — so I wanted to talk and get reassurance. I feel like I’m still not getting it. I spoke with someone named Sonia. She got right away that he’s all over the place, so when I explained he’s military it made sense to her.

She then said, his hold up is mainly he doesn’t want to answer to anyone, and hasn’t been ready to commit to anyone. He is very attracted to me and loves our friendship, but the more he sees himself with me the more he gives in to the urge of being single because he’s commitment phobic.

He’s not ready to hand me his heart and be the kind of guy who is focused on one just yet — with me he can see himself settle down. So he’s scared of is he really ready for that right now? And fighting his own demons on it.

So it’s not about not wanting to be with me it’s about how he feels when he’s not with me — and he hasn’t officially said we are a couple to him and the world yet and it scares him that when we are together it’s so easy and natural, it’s real, not fake or a friendship with benefits.

So he “spaces out” and this mercury retrograde made it harder for him to emotionally detach.

Then she said it won’t last — it being his need to remain single — as he gets redeployed soon. Overseas, but will come home again before that happens. She asked me to be open minded, and to let him chase me down. She said I’m on his mind but when I try to talk he is not ready because of other people being around; they stir him up because he has played out the bachelor macho energy that he won’t have a woman / is not ready. But some of the people he hangs around with are falling into committed relationships and it will help him see what he is missing but “he needs to awaken more”.

When he is vulnerable to me he IS ready for a committed relationship but he fights it.

Then she said: Don’t be angry with him for not reaching out, don’t ask “defining” questions / pressure like what are we, what do you want from me, what are we doing, where is this going — avoid those questions. If he wants to talk future, smile and listen to him talk.

She said 2-3 weeks before we talk again, and when he reaches out it will be to tell me he’s coming back to town or something like that. She said 2-3 mark; worst case scenario 2-3 months “but this is okay”

Reason being military training is intense and their minds are all over the place. Their egos get deflated and they learn to man up. That’s what he is focusing on.

She said he has to honor his own truth before he can open up in full to make it work with me — and that’s what we need since we have something beautiful and he knows it but he’s not ready for it just yet. She said: Sometimes his actions speak louder than his words but he does eventually get it.

She sees it coming together but it requires that i make him work for it/make him responsible for it. He initiates ALL contact even when he starts calling and reaching out. For at least 3 months.

Then she said when he is abroad we will both reach out, but let him schedule times with me (sat phone) & when he returns he is back for a good 3 months before he returns to base.

During those 3 months we plan a future. So be light about everything.

Don’t scold him and let him come to me, & let him wake up.

He’s overseas 6-8 months, but not longer. As long as he’s kept safe by God he won’t come back sooner, either.

Then she said: This guy will be around for a long time, so what you want is getting to the home base not a guy to waste your time. I want long-term not short term.

And be really light and fun with him when he calls. No drama.

_________________

Cindy says he knows I’m his future, when he’s there he has to focus on the present. That’s his training. It’ll come together.

_______________

 

So that’s the reading round up. Sky told me he might take a 6 month deployment.. so if this new person is right that will be very interesting.

But anyway… even though all these good, solid readers (I can vouch for two of them…Gaylene I had some luck with but not lately; last thing she got right was talking about how that wedding weekend wouldn’t go well — and this other person is brand new). It doesn’t change my life right now. The fact of the matter is I’m lost, looking for answers, and I feel like God has forgotten about me.

That’s why I go to readers. To get a tiny bit of hope that my life isn’t this stretch of solo-dom forever and ever. I’m a beautiful, successful, loving woman. I have my flaws like everyone else, but nothing major. I do good things. I deserve good things. And yet, I find myself not connecting with anyone else but him lately.

Maybe I really do need closure to move on. But how do you get closure from something that was never a relationship? It being official or not doesn’t change the depth of feelings. I just suppose it’s the passage of time. So at this rate, I should be completely over it… in 6 months? If we don’t talk. And I’m not reaching out to him.

I’m very scared that I won’t ever find anyone like him … who loves me the way he does. That sounds crazy, I know, since what kind of love is this that leaves me alone, without so much as a “see ya later”, no warning, into the cold. It’s just that I did not find another relationship to really replace what him and I had back then, as teenagers, and the closest thing I found…well, wasn’t that healthy. So, yeah, I’m scared.

I really want to believe all these nice predictions but, at the same time, I just don’t. Does it ever pan out that a guy is just not ready to commit and so he goes cold and comes back and figures it out? Does that ever REALLY happen? Or is it a giant myth that’s out there? Something that’s been perpetuated but isn’t really true?

Maybe the cold, hard truth is that he doesn’t actually love me, no matter what he says. He doesn’t actually even like me all that much.

And if that last reader is right on the outside, and let’s say it IS 2-3 months, that pretty much brings us all the way to my birthday. I mean, it could be 2-3 years, it could be never. I guess eventually I would figure it out, but it’s a terrible thing to do to someone, to have no idea if you are done with them or you are just taking space. Figuring it out.

But that’s under the assumption that he knew he was done.

Skarlet, and this new person both tell me to basically be sweet and light with him, not to be upset with the silences, and so on. But I don’t know if I can do sweet and light. I don’t know if I have it in me anymore to pretend like things are fine, when they aren’t. Even though I know it won’t change anything. Sure, I can do no drama, and I can not bring things up, but I don’t know if I would end up seeming cold. I could play the game though, and be coy/mysterious/aloof about it.

I suppose I’m just awful lonely, and I feel like it’s been unfair, and I don’t feel peace with God over this. I feel angry. I feel alone.

Maybe it would be best if I just pretended to myself he told me that he didn’t think this was going to work, and that he hopes we can recover some part of our friendship, and he was going to give me space in the meantime so that I can get over it.

I guess I’m still having trouble accepting that it’s *him* — not some random guy I met. Someone who was always there for me for a large period of time in my life, who I thought was too good for me many times, who I kind of had on a pedestal but was happy to have so much love from as a friend. And then to find out it was not just friend love but romantic love, and now to have neither.

I just at least thought that if I didn’t work out…he would talk to me when it ended. End it on good terms. :/ But then, it might not be an ending..and that’s why he didn’t talk to me? Still. Sucks. Either way you slice it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mid-Jan, still no Sky – yet

Here we are, January 14th, and … he’s still out doing whatever he is doing which doesn’t involve talking to me.

It sucks, plain and simple. The more time goes by, the more I think about him. I wondered today if I should message him and ask if he’s okay. But then I thought about why I would do that — and basically it’s not that I want us to talk, because if he doesn’t want to talk then I don’t want to. I want to know what happened, because if it’s over it’s over. I’d also love for him to be able to tell me it’s not going to happen anytime soon if he knows that. But that would be against his own interests, in case he does want to hope that I’m still around in the future.  But I do deserve closure, if it’s an ending. However, even I can intellectually realize that this is very likely not the last I have heard from him. I suppose its best to keep away and let him come to me when he’s ready…

I had a disappointing chat with someone I really look up to. She basically said let him go, accept he doesn’t want a relationship, etc. But, I don’t think it’s that I haven’t accepted that. It’s that I don’t want to go anywhere, and I’m accepting the terms as they are.

Still, it gets more and more confusing for me the more time that goes by. But when I think back to all the men who ghosted after I knew we were having a great time together, they always came back at some point — and it was always, that they didn’t want a relationship at that time, and our connection was either not deep enough (they ended up with someone else) or, their actions tainted my memory of them. In my case with Sky, while his actions do taint my opinion of him perhaps to something more realistic, there is still so much good there that my heart still likes him. As crazy as that may seem.

And, I think my angels are close by because yesterday I saw a children’s book of otters… and today someone gave me a video that someone sent to someone else .. and in it the woman is talking about what went wrong in her relationship. One of those things was listening to her friends’ advice, because her friends were telling her not to do a long-distance relationship (or something). The second thing is the woman never said yes to the man about living together, marriage, etc. So, she lost him. And the message was that she should have just listened to herself, and it’s her life at the end of the day and doesn’t want that kind of negativity in it if people can’t support her. So! That was heart-warming for me, too.

I have a date on Saturday with a guy I met at a friend’s holiday party. It’s lunch, nice and low-key. I can do that. There was another guy I was talking to who was kind of a horn-dog in that he’s asking for pics and commenting on my “assets” from photos — just rude. And selling himself too much as far as having a townhouse with three bedrooms he doesn’t know what to do with, and needs decorating help, etc.

 

:/

I’ve been thinking more and more lately (Surprise, right?)

I had started messaging a few guys, but then.. I think about Sky almost all the time when I’m not actively focused on something else. He’s the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and I wake up thinking about him.

And then the blog I linked to yesterday came out. And then more and more stuff seemed to find me, or I found it, that was just negative nancys talking about how men don’t hot and cold someone they’re really into, yada yada.

It occurred to me the other day that, I can search Google for answers to what I’m going through all I want, and find these things. There is nothing really out there that says, yes a man can go hot and cold and then he figures it out one day and runs off with you into the sunset.

I don’t think I’ve seen that written even a single time, actually.

So of course after reading these things it made me feel worse and worse about my situation. Finally I just disengaged from it and really thought about it — I mean, who is writing these articles anyway? What do I *really* know about this person or their expertise with all situations regarding love and the opposite sex. The answer is… I don’t.

So then why would I take their advice about an area so close to my heart, which is really just me trying to find similar situations anyway?

Trying to do the right thing (according to these sources) I was getting angry at Sky and was like well! I’m moving on then, bye! And started talking to these men from online dating sites. But it’s just not how it used to be for me… I used to have hope, that I would find someone for real. That maybe he was just on the opposite end of a computer or phone app, and that maybe THIS time it would be the one. But now… it just seems, forced. Like I am ONLY doing it because it was recommended to me in order to not fixate on one person. I don’t truly believe that I will find what I am looking for, there. In fact, I know I won’t. Just that sense of knowing.

So then, I turned inwards. Listened to myself. And although I’m in a state of distress over it, and I don’t even know what to feel any more… the closer I get to thinking I’m mad, and moving on and leaving it all behind me, no closure — at the bottom of that thought is a whole bunch of sadness and tears. Which means I’m not ready.

After all, what if I did move on and then idk, 6 weeks in he messages me? Is that really what you do when you love someone, just get together with someone else? Move on like it was nothing?

No.

Not this kind of real, lasted 15 (16?) years kind of love. Granted it wasn’t like this most of the time but I always had love in my heart for him and I know he had love for me, too. I wonder where that has gone now, though.

Still. If I am going to really move on from this then I need to really let it go. Not pretend I am letting it go by rotating and not really giving anyone a chance. But live my life without him, or anyone for a while until 1) I am certain he is completely incommunicado and does not plan on picking it back up any time soon and 2) I am ready to open my heart to someone else.

Perhaps Kat’s advice isn’t quite for me, on rotating any way. Maybe general advice doesn’t apply to every situation. What am I going to do, go with some “he’s not into you” two cent analysis from some stranger in a Facebook group and push my life forward, only to have him pop back up in a month, maybe 3, wanting to take me on some amazing vacation and telling me how much he loves me?

Or maybe you know, I log on to Facebook one day and see a picture of him with some girl, or his Facebook profile changes, or I see that one of his top friends has changed their Facebook pic to one of him and her. Then I would know he has moved on, that way, too — and I would know he wasn’t coming back.

Would it be pretty terrible? Yes. Yes it would. But at least I would know.

I can’t say I know exactly how much time has to pass before I say I know he’s gone for good. He could have been gone the day or so but, given his past history over the past year or so I guess I wouldn’t know until at least a month, max two goes by.

The one thing I am absolutely certain of though is that I will not be contacting him in any way, shape, or form. I don’t even think I would contact him for his birthday, honestly. He doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t acted like he cares about my feelings at all.

Men who run hot and cold

I’ve been thinking more & more about the situation with Sky, trying to figure out what I feel. I end up at a flatness.

Katarina Phang posted a blog yesterday about men who run hot and cold and what to do, and one thing she wrote really stung me in the face:

How do you treat people and things you treasure?

Ugh. I mean she also said:

I will also blow cold when I sense you want something from me: something I’m not prepared or at liberty to give to you.

…which in my story is probably more likely what it is, based on what I know…

but the first quote still rings true. If he really valued me in his life; if he really didn’t want to let some other guy come in and scoop me up… he wouldn’t leave space for it to happen.

Which follows with, he doesn’t want to commit to the relationship so he is staying away.

Still, sometimes I feel like maybe I’m just a dummy. Maybe everything my readers say is them laughing all the way to the bank. But then I stop myself and realize I stay with my main resource since she has simply been right this entire time. Which follows that he should be back…

I guess I’m really struggling this time. Anyway, I have a date booked with someone who could be pretty attractive. He was a little creepy though as he found old modeling pics of me and wanted more. Oops. We haven’t even met.

Back to Sky. I still feel this ..almost feeling of eerie quietness, like I saw a ghost, his entire person doesn’t exist. Like if he texted me it would just be some “thing” from the Universe and isn’t quite real.

If he does, why should I even respond? What, he’s gonna invite me on another vacation, or flirt with me, and whatever, and then what?

And I guess it’s entirely possible that he’s just got someone else. Although why on earth you would blow a ton of money on a hotel suite with me, dinner, drinks, etc. if you’ve got another person in the wings is beyond me. He didn’t have to see me, and I didn’t ask to see him other than saying I hoped I would back on Veteran’s Day. Unless he met someone else or someone reached out the day after?

Holy shit. Maybe that’s it. He got a Merry Christmas text from someone he thought was unavailable to him. Who is local. I guess I need to assume that that’s it because you don’t just disappear to someone you love. YOU FUCKING LOVE. Why did he have to all go saying he loved me and such. If he didn’t, I guess I could make more sense out of it…

:/

He Doesn’t Exist

hi there…

Well, I just have this feeling lately like he doesn’t exist. Isn’t that weird?

It just seems like none of it ever happened. Like he only exists when he’s in town, and other than that it’s just..nothing. Like the text messages were fake, all IMing was fake, I got catfished by an internet being that doesn’t exist in real life.

I think of it..the situation now, and think whether I feel upset, and I don’t feel *anything*. Just numbness.

Like it wouldn’t even matter at all if I really did move on. Like I made it all up in my head. Like I’ve been dreaming for an entire year, pining away for this guy that isn’t present (only he definitely was at times, and I know that logically).

I have photos (not of this past visit), I have texts, I have pictures. But it’s like mentally I’m looking at someone else’s life. Because it did not “end”, which perhaps means it never actually started.

Perhaps the reality is I am just some chick to flirt with and have fun sexy time with when he’s bored/doesn’t have anything better going on. Who he also likes to pretend he loves? Who he loves in that moment? And knows he will love always …but does not wish to love that person actively?

I feel like if he texted me it wouldn’t actually be real. Like I wouldn’t feel I had to respond because it’s a fake entity talking to me anyway. Why indulge in that? Why indulge in nothingness?

At least we went out on a high note I guess.