And breaking up SUCKS any way you slice it

Ughhh. So, i guess its apparent from this blog that I always had my doubts, except for the very beginning. But, you still always hope for the best, that if you lose your feelings you can get them back. That’s what happened with me this time, I just couldn’t get those feelings back. And he could sense it. I wasn’t being warm, I was getting bored on the phone, I wasn’t affectionate with him. Nice enough, I guess, but more like .. it felt like a job.

So I struggled with that for a few weeks, and the stupid things my mind was coming up with, and wondering why the attraction wasn’t as strong, and so on. And here’s the thing: he’s a nice, caring guy, who just wanted to be there for me and care for me. Who wanted to make things work.

But I couldn’t get there, I couldn’t match his feelings, so I felt guilty and like that wasn’t fair. And also, with all the jerky guys I’ve dated, it’s so hard to let go of a good guy, knowing that maybe the situation or the timing is off and for whatever reason it’s just not working for you.

And at first we both thought (wanted to think?) that it was the majorly stressful events in my life, and that maybe when that passed, then I’d be more emotionally available, and my feelings would grow. And also, he went active duty, was working 12 hour days, and we basically couldn’t see each other for half of June and most of July… so I’d be waiting until August to find out if we could rekindle things.

It started to feel like I was just dragging it out, and I didn’t want to get to a point where I resented him or had bad feelings towards him. Instead of just feeling sad that for whatever reasons, my feelings evaporated into thin air.

Have you guys ever dated someone, or been in a relationship and had your once-fiery feelings just go away? And you can’t find anything that they did, and you know they’re a good person?

I just know, from my friends who are in love, that being in love…doesn’t go away, when it’s right, anyway. I have newly wed friends or friends who are engaged who are over the moon about their husbands or fiances, and who still get excited when they get text messages.

And I’m dating someone 3 months in and … feel… nothing. Just, meh, either way. And we were starting to fight a lot, bicker, on the phone. Hurtful things were said (mainly by him, out of frustration I’m sure).

And then there was the seeing each other twice a month thing, for a date or two. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship, or feed one to grow. Maybe it is, maybe other people have done it, but different people have different needs.

He accused me of passing on things once the honeymoon phase was over. And of not giving our relationship the chance to see if it could work in August. But I just felt like waiting that long wouldn’t be true to myself.

Feel free to chime in…

 

Reflecting back to heal the present

Well well well… Welllllll

So I heard from him the day after Christmas. But my phone didn’t deliver the message until the next day. So, he wanted me to go over and watch a movie before he had some errands, and then he had to go do something and then he wanted me to go back after and spend the night. I wasn’t immediately available so he said, come over here and fuck me, lol.

To sum it up, I went over, we had great sex, but that was it. He even said after, well, 4 pm booty call. But then before he is all, thanks for coming, I hope it wasn’t too out of your way, etc etc, and after, so when are you moving in? And I joked maybe if we are still coasting at, you know, three months we can talk but let’s leave it for now. And he asked if my necklace from Christmas was from my ex boyfriend, and if Bailey was a guy or a girl that I was hanging out with.

The New Years debacle

So he’s casually talking and brings up New Year, asks what I’m doing, I ask what he’s doing, he tells me they haven’t decided about places, so I say, did you want to do new years together? And he goes, like you and me??? And I say yes and he goes, oh boy. Then he’s like I already planned with them etc etc but yes yes of course you can meet up with us.

Pause.

I don’t know about that oh boy there… And he goes, I was kidding! I was kidding.

And then conversation changed and we ended up having sex again… Then he had to go see his cousin and we left his place, he kissed me goodbye and we went out separate ways…

I was a little put off by him calling it a booty call, but that was more circumstantial I think than anything else.

So, I text him the next day : hey! Did you decide where you are going? We are having trouble finding places still selling tickets

……drumroll…… No response.

Amazing how great he is at texting when it’s his idea!

So I guess it remains to be see whether or not the “booty call” comment was circumstantial or is really where he is going with things. I think next time he asks me if I want to go over and watch a movie, I’m going to up the ante and say, or I have movie passes..wanna go to the movies?

Assuming there is a next time.

Side note, it’s a shitty time of year to be single when everyone else in your immediate family is in a relationship, and so are all your friends. Ok, maybe not all of my friends, but a good number of them. But I shouldnt panic so much, I could have a boyfriend if I just wanted a boyfriend. The most recent ex still wants … Something, I think.

Let’s back track the boyfriends.

-Chris..
(Dave)
-Eddie..
-Josh..
-(Newport)
-Aaron
-Chris
-(Adam)
-Samir
-Brian
-(Tom)
-New Jersey
-(Seamus)
-(Brent)
-(psycho guy)
-(Blake)
-Cory
-Paul
-(Nick)
-hip hop
-Michael Paul
-(Leo)
– (Lax)
-Ethan
-Mike
-Eddie

Wow…ok, anytime I feel down I will refer myself to this post. All these guys I had some sort of significant learning / dating thing with. Parenthesis mean it never went official, per say, because of timing or other factors. But, this reminds me that the loneliness is *just temporary* and although some names on this list caused me a lot of pain, I am indeed lovable and it’s just a matter of time before it all aligns properly and I am dating someone in a committed relationship that lasts more than 3 months. I think it really is a case of i just haven’t met the right guy yet, the one I’m ultimately supposed to be with. And while I may not be the prettiest girl out there, I am pretty, and my personality knocks it out of the park, for the most part 😉

And that’s the point of this blog really….to help me figure out and reflect on the journey to meeting the one I settle down with. Everyone always says have fun, take it light, etc, but settling down is a little bit scary. And I think I messed it up with the last guy i was falling in love with because the Future was on my mind. I hereby vow to forget all that crap and just live for the moment. Well, sort of. I don’t want to be some giant whore. Lol. But believe it will come to me *and I don’t have to make it happen, it just will*

As for the latest guy… Only God knows what the future really has in store as far as he goes. I’d love to have a final name for this list, no better, I’d like to not even care or have the need for a list.

I see myself with a wonderful guy who is handsome, smart and funny, kind, affectionate, and driven at work. The type of guy who likes animals and loves kids. And the sex is great.