:/

I’ve been thinking more and more lately (Surprise, right?)

I had started messaging a few guys, but then.. I think about Sky almost all the time when I’m not actively focused on something else. He’s the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, and I wake up thinking about him.

And then the blog I linked to yesterday came out. And then more and more stuff seemed to find me, or I found it, that was just negative nancys talking about how men don’t hot and cold someone they’re really into, yada yada.

It occurred to me the other day that, I can search Google for answers to what I’m going through all I want, and find these things. There is nothing really out there that says, yes a man can go hot and cold and then he figures it out one day and runs off with you into the sunset.

I don’t think I’ve seen that written even a single time, actually.

So of course after reading these things it made me feel worse and worse about my situation. Finally I just disengaged from it and really thought about it — I mean, who is writing these articles anyway? What do I *really* know about this person or their expertise with all situations regarding love and the opposite sex. The answer is… I don’t.

So then why would I take their advice about an area so close to my heart, which is really just me trying to find similar situations anyway?

Trying to do the right thing (according to these sources) I was getting angry at Sky and was like well! I’m moving on then, bye! And started talking to these men from online dating sites. But it’s just not how it used to be for me… I used to have hope, that I would find someone for real. That maybe he was just on the opposite end of a computer or phone app, and that maybe THIS time it would be the one. But now… it just seems, forced. Like I am ONLY doing it because it was recommended to me in order to not fixate on one person. I don’t truly believe that I will find what I am looking for, there. In fact, I know I won’t. Just that sense of knowing.

So then, I turned inwards. Listened to myself. And although I’m in a state of distress over it, and I don’t even know what to feel any more… the closer I get to thinking I’m mad, and moving on and leaving it all behind me, no closure — at the bottom of that thought is a whole bunch of sadness and tears. Which means I’m not ready.

After all, what if I did move on and then idk, 6 weeks in he messages me? Is that really what you do when you love someone, just get together with someone else? Move on like it was nothing?

No.

Not this kind of real, lasted 15 (16?) years kind of love. Granted it wasn’t like this most of the time but I always had love in my heart for him and I know he had love for me, too. I wonder where that has gone now, though.

Still. If I am going to really move on from this then I need to really let it go. Not pretend I am letting it go by rotating and not really giving anyone a chance. But live my life without him, or anyone for a while until 1) I am certain he is completely incommunicado and does not plan on picking it back up any time soon and 2) I am ready to open my heart to someone else.

Perhaps Kat’s advice isn’t quite for me, on rotating any way. Maybe general advice doesn’t apply to every situation. What am I going to do, go with some “he’s not into you” two cent analysis from some stranger in a Facebook group and push my life forward, only to have him pop back up in a month, maybe 3, wanting to take me on some amazing vacation and telling me how much he loves me?

Or maybe you know, I log on to Facebook one day and see a picture of him with some girl, or his Facebook profile changes, or I see that one of his top friends has changed their Facebook pic to one of him and her. Then I would know he has moved on, that way, too — and I would know he wasn’t coming back.

Would it be pretty terrible? Yes. Yes it would. But at least I would know.

I can’t say I know exactly how much time has to pass before I say I know he’s gone for good. He could have been gone the day or so but, given his past history over the past year or so I guess I wouldn’t know until at least a month, max two goes by.

The one thing I am absolutely certain of though is that I will not be contacting him in any way, shape, or form. I don’t even think I would contact him for his birthday, honestly. He doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t acted like he cares about my feelings at all.

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