& you let it go

Well, it’s been about two weeks now since the last guy mysteriously disappeared. I think for the most part I’m getting past it but i still sucks. I still wake up and the first thing that hits me is that the situation isn’t right. Part of me knows that he has to come back, the other part kind of thinks, well, by the time he comes back I’m going to be like screw you, and then a tiny part of me wonders what if he doesn’t?

The psychics I’ve talked to about it (yes, I kind of have an issue… but to be honest, it gives me comfort and a sense of trust that everything will be okay) seem to be in agreement that he will come back. That it was about him being afraid of the same kind of ending something else had that was bad, and thinking he was ready for a relationship but really finding out he had unresolved issues, and that all he can really handle right now is friendship, so to be his friend when he returns (if he does).

But thinking about it now, would I even want to? He screwed me over. Big time. He fucked with my head and my emotions. And then he ran away and was a coward about talking to me about whatever it was that happened.

You just don’t do that to someone you care about. It’s completely selfish. And who would want to date a selfish person. I’m not sure I could ever be happy with him now, even if he had the best story in the world. He just crushed my faith in him, my thinking about how things could be in the future, my belief in that what he says and does is real. 

But worse than that, he crushed my sense of faith in dating in general. I was nervous getting back out there as it was. 

Everyone I’ve talked to about the situation just immediately comes back and says it’s weird. And yes, it is weird. They also say it absolutely has to be about him, nothing I did. Which is starting to settle with me. As in, I’m starting to come to the same agreement. 

If I flip the situation in my head, and I had that kind of thing going on with someone and then just disappeared, I would have to go back at some point because you would want to make it right. It’s part of growing as a person, you don’t get close to someone and disappear without good reason or treat someone shitty who did not deserve it. 

I suppose what I also have in my favor is 1) he has no idea how I feel about what happened, other than I texted once and called once, so I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t flip out. Because I will get my chance to tell him how I feel about it all sooner or later, but I think it would be wise to punish him through actions when he does pop back up. You don’t get to fuck me over and not pay for it.  and 2) that should stir the challenge aspect of things. Not to mention the fact that we got along fantastically, he was super into me, i got along with his family, etc. He was probably more into me than I was into him, but I take a bit making up my mind because of things like this. I was, though, super happy.

I guess at this point I’ve gotten all the answers I’m going to get, until he comes back around to make amends. 

I really want to be done with dating though. But I don’t know how to make that happen. Match is giving me more of a bad opinion of men than a good one these days. Or I suppose not Match but the type of people I’ve been meeting. eHarmony didn’t work haha. And I just don’t want to do the online thing I guess. At least not right now. 

Well universe, it’s up to you now. If this man is going to come into my life, then help it to happen if it’s for everyone’s greatest good. Either way, please send me the love of my life. 

Sending love out to the world!

-xx