YNAB on the WEB is HERE!

…”wtf is YNAB?!” you’re thinking.

I know, I’m good.

Okay, well this blog is not ONLY about my dating adventures but ALSO about how to be a single (and hot and amazing) 31 year old and get your financial life together.

I know, I don’t blog about it much because it’s a f–king fight. I mean really, how’s a girl supposed to maintain a social life AND (if I were to follow Mr. Ramsey) pay down debt “gazelle-intense”?

I’m more like… one of those automatic toy cars that you pull backwards to launch forwards. You know — pull back, release – ZOOM! Pull back, release, ZOOM! Cause no, I am not perfect.

Quick update on my financial life: I got headhunted and left my old company that paid me once a month, which made progress snail-ass slow. New job pays me a good amount more AND pays semi-monthly, woo-hoo! So I can feel like the next paycheck is never too far away and my “finish lines” are never too far in the future.

As you all know (or… don’t know) I’m a Dave Ramsey girl. I think he’s funny, his podcasts keep me focused and motivated, and ever since about a year ago I finally put his plan in “place” (and that baby emergency fund was built up and cashed in on … twice… so I didn’t get too far). At the time I really wished Dave Ramsey and YNAB would get married and have a little budgeting baby. But alas, my dreams were not to come true. I think I even wrote about it here… anyway. I digress.

EveryDollar

Over this past year Mr. Ramsey introduced EveryDollar, which is his online personal finance software. I had previously been using YNAB, which is short for You Need a Budget, and … although I *tried* EveryDollar, YNAB was way easier to use (even though it’s a desktop software, not a web-software, so there was that). IMHO, EveryDollar is clunky at best. I tried to help my mom set it up the other day and she almost had a fit figuring it out. (I had previously tried to put her on YNAB, but she didn’t want to face the music so she shunned YNAB. Oh well. Whatever works for her.)

YNAB 4 has been pretty sweet for a while now, and the rumor mill over at the YNAB forums has been chugging for quite some time about YNAB on the Web! It’s happening, the mods would say, but no more than that would be revealed. Outraged, some forum members would say YNAB had forgotten about that idea, but YNAB was just being sneaky and quiet.

YNAB ON THE WEB IS HERE!

Well today YNAB released the web version and it’s next version in general of YNAB! And it’s *Awesome*. Previously, in YNAB 4, credit cards were kind of a mess, for one. Goal setting required some creativity, but all in all it helped me get my financial groove on so I stuck with it. I think I had to “start over” 3x because there were a few things I didn’t “get” at first. But the YNAB support staff is great and they never judged me. Or if they did, they didn’t tell me about it (grin).

YNAB WEB adds some new categories, and shows that YNAB staff re-thought their strategy a bit. So now, out-of-the-box categories are mainly “Immediate Obligations” and “True Expenses” and “Quality of Life Goals” and “Debt Payments”. There’s probably some more but I have customized mine now and I forget already. Bonus points to YNAB for “oh-so-casually” adding “software subscriptions” as a child category — and yes, YNAB WEB *is* following the subscription model for software. It’s the way everything is going, the entry-cost is lower for most people, and from a business perspective it creates somewhat of a predictable income stream so it’s smart.

Hmm…question for YNAB: What if you have REALLY hard times and have to cancel YNAB? Can you pick back up at any time? How long is your information stored? Things to ponder. But back to my main point… new categories.

It took me a bit to really understand what they mean by their new categories, so instead of going through 4 guides like I did to really figure it out, here’s my breakdown for you to make it easier:

An Immediate Obligation, is anything you know you have to pay for in the immediate future — keeping your walls up and lights on and you/your family fed, for instance.

A True Expense is… well, it’s like a categorized Rainy Day fund. YNAB prefers that you name all of these things, believing that if you know exactly where your rainy day fund money might be spent, you’re more likely to save for it. Things like, Car Repairs, Home Repairs, New Computer, etc. I’m opting to go more Ramsey style here and just have my Baby Emergency Fund in this category. I left some other “True Expense” categories like Vet, etc., because one day I would love to ALSO fill those guys up! But right now, if anything happens it’s coming out of Baby Emergency Fund per Dave’s instructions.

Next up, when you add a credit card YNAB magically creates a new parent category called “Credit Card Payments” and adds these new items there. Best part: No longer does YNAB visually harass you and make you want to jump off a bridge by showing you your glaring credit card balances in bright red every month.

Instead, it’s just another category. But, if you click on the category, the “Inspector” comes up (think – category details) and you can see everything that’s going on. It even gets a little smart and shows you if you pay X you’ll decrease your debt by Y and your balance will be Z.

And THEN…drumroll… YNAB adds an awesome “goal setting” feature to EVERY category (although it’s slightly different depending on the category). Basically you can say:

Credit Cards:

  • Want to pay off balance by X month
  • Want to pay $X towards this card this month

…and YNAB then figures out how much you need to budget that month to hit your goal, and gives you a percent complete pie-chart thing, and casually turns the category “yellow” so that WHEN YOU GET PAID NEXT you can EASILY SEE WHERE TO PUT YOUR MONIES!!!!

^ That in itself, is HUGE. I’d have to do all kinds of stuff previously – add notes, stars, hieroglyphics, to my YNAB categories to remind myself “PUT MONEY HERE WHEN PAID”. Now it’s SOOO obvious. I ❤ it completely.

For other categories, the goal options are:

  • Have $X in this category (no target date)
  • Have $X in this category by Y date
  • Have $X in this category every month

…these options are also huge! Let’s say I have my groceries category, and a lot of my bills come out at the beginning of the month. Well, I currently have to cut the grocery bill in half so that I fill it after I get paid the second time. What this means is, I can say “Have $200 in this category every month” and then I can BUDGET $100 and the category will turn YELLOW — meaning when I get paid next I can make that category “happy” and turn in green by budgeting the rest of the money towards it!

With this release, YNAB also decides to sit at the cool kids table and automatically link to bank accounts and such — IF you choose to. And even then, you have to hit a button (or something) to download transactions into YNAB. YNAB still stands by its philosophy of wanting you to really pay attention to where your money is going. At the time of this writing, this functionality still has some bugs crawling around in it, so I couldn’t play with that part. But, I have every faith that YNAB will work it out and it’ll be just magical.

TIP: If you can’t get your own banks to connect, HOVER over the bank name when trying to add it and YNAB will show you the URL. If this URL is wrong, it won’t work!

Upgrading from YNAB 4

Okay so now that you’re like “heeey, this sounds pretty neat!” you might want to figure out how to upgrade if you are using YNAB 4.

  1. Open the YNAB 4 Desktop App. YNAB should prompt you to upgrade to version 4.3.820.
  2. If not, go to the Help menu and select Check for update.
  3. Upgrade YNAB.
  4. Go to the File menu and select Migrate to the New YNAB.

Donezo!

Overall I’m super excited about this release of YNAB. What’s more is it’s about $60 per year, while Dave’s pro version of EveryDollar (which connects to bank accounts) is $99 per year.

…coincidentally enough, Dave announced a free trial of the pro version for 1 month today. Ha!

 

 

If things were so good, why did he go into his cave?

I talked to Skarlet again today. That’s three times this week! But honestly, Sky going completely silent has been weird.

I finally asked the right question, which was – if things were so good between us, why did he distance himself this time?

And she confirmed what I already have heard — the whole theory about a man, getting really close/emotional to a woman, and then losing himself in a way. She said, he can’t stop thinking about me, and he’s trying to center himself, doing this with a friend and talking to that person, and it throws him off balance. And just like when you touch a hot stove, you don’t think about it you just immediately take your hand back. It’s not that he thinks about it or knows what he’s doing really, he just does it.

And that, Sky is a masculine man. He’s not an artist or a poet, he’s not a communicator, he’s not asking for help from anyone. He wants/needs to figure it out by himself.

And you know what? I don’t believe it just because she says it, but it *feels* right.

She also said that my logic in the past, that he distanced because there was some friction in the past, wasn’t correct. It’s because of the emotions he felt, which made him uncomfortable, and he was trying to focus on other things, to build his career, and so on.

It not being about his feelings for me wavering, or wanting to be with me, fits! It fits because why else would he keep coming back over the past year? It’s not like there’s much in it for him, if he was just bored — I’m way up here, and he’s down there.

Skarlet also said that the love he allowed himself to feel for me when touching me, isn’t even all of what he feels. He doesn’t let himself go all the way there just yet.

And that in the past visit when he was here, the reason he was able to text when he got on the plane to go home was cause he didn’t open that door to his heart as much. He held back in not touching me, though he really wanted to – and he didn’t want me to think he was using me by being with me, going home, and not bringing things forward.

She said I won’t know the why right now, and she’s not getting that from God — but when I am 70, looking back on my life, it will all make sense. To trust God that the timing is Divine, and to pray that the right thoughts go through Sky’s head, to pray that God doesn’t make me wait,  and to talk to God like he’s my father.

Sky tells me he isn’t sure if he has the heart he once had. I told him then that he shows it to me every now and then and so I am convinced he does. Maybe not exactly the same but it’s there. And this past visit absolutely showed that to me. We are perfect together. This is also why I think love comes from God, because when I think about how amazing this man is, I don’t quite understand how he could be so in love with a woman like me. But then I suppose in true love, that’s how you feel about each other.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not logic; it’s love.

So why does a guy, come home from where he is posted, spend the first night he’s come and see the woman he loves first, and then put zero effort into talking to her afterwards?

The obvious answer is something is fucked up, right? Or, he’s not really into here.

But what if it’s something more complicated than that. Like, he got overwhelmed, but this time with good feelings, and then thinks about the situation between them — the distance involved, and how it could work, and doesn’t have it figured out.

What if that’s the case?

What should she do in the meantime? Run after him? No. What would that serve to do – apply pressure to the situation, and pressuring a situation never presented a good outcome. So all she can do is really let the situation go. Again. All she gets to do is accept or reject, and if there’s nothing coming towards you there is nothing to accept or reject.

I read an article that said it’s easier to understand these things when viewed through a lens of compassion instead of a lens of fear. Then answer then simply becomes: he’s scared. But of what?

The difference here is that now he knows things are as wonderful between you as you think, so instead of it being an easy way out/this isn’t going to work, now it’s oh fuck this could actually work. Which means there’s a lot of big decisions to make, potentially.

But, I know he loves me. So that said, knowing he loves me and knowing the connection we have, it’s just a matter of time before he talks again.

Skarlet said to send him a message on New Year’s Eve if I don’t hear before then (which, she said might) and use two pet names in it, something about how I will wish I could be kissing him at midnight.

Part of me is like wtf, why do I have to be the one reaching out. BUT Skarlet pointed out that each time she gives me advice it’s only made things better between us, which is true. That when I reassure him when he’s all withdrawn and in his head, it helps him to open up more and come forward more.

And then I kind of think, what do I have to lose? Worst case scenario I send a message to a guy who wasn’t talking to me anyway and then it’s not really any worse than it was before.

Best case scenario it shows him he’s still got his spot in my heart.

I love him so much, and I know he feels the same. It’s just beyond me why it can’t be simpler to be together. Why he has to be so afraid? Resistant? Whatever it is?

I mean if he stopped talking to me for 3 months I would definitely move on for real. Actually, I’m going to keep rotating. I’m not sure when he leaves the area though, and that’s what I need to be sure of.

Sex and the City the movie is on, and it’s right at the part where Big is freaking about the wedding. I see a lot of Sky in him. It’s clear Big loves her, but the fanfare of the wedding is making him second guess himself. He has screwed it up before, he doesn’t want to screw it up again. he wants to be really really sure. He’s afraid it will change everything and things will go to crap.

With us, while this little rendezvous was a fabulous time, it’s really on the first time we had together that things went amazingly well. Just like I always knew they could be. Skarlet said she wasn’t surprised at all and didn’t even react since she knows this man is going to be my husband so, not surprising to her at all.

Things just feel so natural with him when we are together. At least this time. There were no nerves really, although he told me he was nervous. But when we were together things just flowed.

Okay, so here’s what I’m going to do. Even though I can’t understand, really, what he’s going through as he’s not sharing what’s going on with him; but I know that he must feel awful/guilty, anyone would know they are being shitty when spending amazing times with someone and then freezing them out afterwards. I guess I will just pretty much let it go until he decides to poke his head out from his protective shell.

I also know it’s extremely rare to have a 15 year history with someone and still love them, or at least even still have a close friendship with them, still respect and admire them. So in that way I can trust our connection. And that we’ve been doing this for a year now, when it easily could have been over several times.

And the most freeing thought of all: It really wasn’t anything I did. The worst thing I did was get up to fart in the bathroom, but for crying out loud it’s been a year (16 or so actually).

Alright so game plan is send the freaking text on New Year’s Eve, show him my heart, and then I’m kind of in the clear until his birthday. And then after that there’s nothing big until my birthday, so I’m really off the hook after the stretch.

What happens in SATC, anyhow? Carrie said it was 10 years before they got married, and they were on and off before that. She took him back each time. But obviously he was the one since she ended up agreeing to marry him. And they both dated other people. And then what?

Watching to find out. But it seems it’s about 3-6 months since the wedding he didn’t turn up to, and — what happens? He freaks out but tries to correct it, only it’s too late. She’s pissed and humiliated. Note to self: Keep wedding really small.

Wow in the movie, the letter Big writes to Carrie says, I know I screwed up but I will love you forever. Sky said to me, I will always love you. SAME DAMN THING!

& then what, one day they come back together. Because that’s true love. “it wasn’t logic. It was love.”And then he proposes again! After they had both grown a bit. And then they got married in a court house. ❤

 

 

 

 

Quite the update – Best Christmas Gift Ever.

Hello all.

Well, well, well.

Here’s what happened since my last post. As I said last post, I didn’t ask much if/when we would see each other when he was home, in fact I didn’t say much at all about it.

My last day at the office before it shut down was Tuesday. After work I got invited to grab drinks with coworkers. Wednesday was a Work From Home day… well, during the evening Sky and I start chatting and he suddenly realizes I’m working from home the next day, and then he brings up getting together and the idea for staying in the city for the night comes up.

So, he finds a hotel, gets a room (A suite!!!!) and I book Mel in with her sitter, and we had the most amazing night.

Within 30 minutes he was telling me he missed me and then while we were at the bar he started saying the buried “i love you” – like, “i love you you’re so cute” (and keeps going). The first time I ignored it, the second time he did it (about a minute later) I said I love you too.

He would randomly tell me: Kiss me. And I would, and it felt amazing to just be with him.

When we said hello in his room he told me he likes when we’re not fighting (again), and of course I probably smiled and kissed him.

I also brought up to him how he used to write me letters back in the day, and he told me he wrote a lot that he didn’t send. I said, can we do that again? Send letters? and he said you can send me letters, just put them where I can find them and are not surprised by them, and tell me about them. But did his “don’t answer the question” thing when talking about him sending them to me, haha. Of course.

Anyway, he was very cuddly, calling me hunny again, giving me super gentle kisses at certain times, just being his wonderful, amazing self that I absolutely love. While on the couch snuggling I kissed him and told him he was my favorite, and he kissed me and said you’re my favorite too. Then we were talking about, I think, stuff we have to add to the list, and I’m fuzzy on the details but somehow it came up that he’s traveled 30,000 miles in a day before, or something like that.

So it kind of sounded like the part of him that was saying this could work. (And he knows he’s come home and turned round in the same day before for his grandma’s birthday).

He was just so snuggly, literally wrapping me up completely. I eventually said we should move to the bedroom, which we did. He wanted to sleep, and I said something like my sleepy man who works too much and he said yep, but he was still all cuddly. Then I kind of started kissing his neck and made him wake up, we had sex for a bit but, my body wasn’t cooperating (ha) and he kind of shushed me. But we did a few positions. He wasn’t gonna get there, then he said he needed a break and then we fell asleep; the next morning he woke me up with a raging hard cock and took me in the spoon position, which turned to me giving him head which turned to him finishing on my face/chest.

And then we slept in for a little; he asked what time I have to be at places (cause he had to go do stuff) – and then he met up with a friend for breakfast and we said our goodbyes.

He gave me the sex toys of ours that he got for us, and told me to keep them charged; to plug them in once a month or so. He said he wanted me to feel special.

We said our I love yous when we said goodbye… it was a wonderful night.

And, funnily enough, just like Skarlet predicted – last minute fabulous date. The idea of meeting with a friend came up but the friend wasn’t around; and she had also predicted there might be a last minute meet-up with a friend.

He texted me a few minutes after I left, to tell me to drive safe, which he has never done before. 🙂 But that conversation didn’t last long, and he didn’t text me for the rest of the day.

I took that kind of hard, since I’m used to all-day texting when he’s focused on me; although I am learning to relax. It just seems like, while he says he has these feelings and such and it really feels that way, he doesn’t necessarily act like it when we aren’t together.

This morning, Christmas Day, the not talking was getting to me, so I sent him a cute little text (I know it’s “leaning forward” but it’s also good manners, as Skarlet would say — stressing not expecting a response) and he did respond and called me “hunny” as in “Merry Christmas to you too hunny, hugggggggs” but, he hasn’t talked to me much other than that.

Last time he was home the same type of thing happened, but I felt like it meant things weren’t good between us for whatever reason. However, it happened for no discernible reason — he just got him to his family’s house and then it was like I dropped off his radar. I’m sure he doesn’t tell me everything; and he does tend to mainly focus on what he’s doing when out with people/around people instead of being on his phone, which I like.

It’s just so hard for me to discern if it’s cause, he’s an asshole, and kind of made this elaborate plan to seduce/see me, but doesn’t actually feel more than that. And I don’t know if him giving me the sex toys is cause, he’s telling me he’s not using them with other people/sleeping with other people; or if it’s because he wouldn’t use them with other people anyway. What he said was he’s not gonna use them by himself, but one of the things he gave me was the cock ring we use?

When we slept together, he was touching me all night long, either I was all wrapped up, or he was turned away from me but we let our feet touch to still be in touch with each other… just everything was wonderful.

And of course now I’m like, or was it? Maybe he didn’t think it was?

I guess the only way to tell is to see what happens in a few weeks.

On the other hand, we finally got in a good visit. Like a really good one. It’s the first one where things seemed to just go really, really well. And when we said goodbye he said, yayyy we didn’t kill each other! Maybe we just start by keeping visits to under 24 hours!

And at one point while we were at the bar he said, we are just stupid. We were talking about how we try again and again and again, and I couldn’t tell if he was saying it because he thinks we are stupid cause we keep trying again, or if we were stupid cause we keep not getting together.

I just feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me that much. It’s so freaking confusing.

He does circle back, but it’s kind of bizarre not knowing what’s going on when he isn’t talking to me?

On the plus side, he did talk about the toys like we would use them again. And when I mentioned meeting in a hotel bar and role-playing and said not now but in the future he agreed that later on yes.

I’m obsessing kinda, huh? Oh well. I guess I will see when he feels like talking to me again!!

What a wonderful night; but what a let-down to see him act like it didn’t happen afterwards. Still, even my mom said I bet he’s thinking of the next time he will see you.

If I apply the theory called Occam’s razor; he’s probably preoccupied and enjoying the moment with family and friends. And I got him to an entire night all to myself, and it was absolutely wonderful, so I should hold on to the good times and treasure it.

We are building our relationship, and that night just kind of proves that we are both right about how great things can be together. As my mom put it, he is just being himself – he’s in and out, and has been all year.

But I do want to ask Skarlet why he kind of dropped the communication level afterwards. I also have no idea what he’s thinking about us, if I watched his actions it would seem like he’s gone the other way, but at the same time given he does most of his thinking when he’s silent with me — perhaps this is a good thing. I guess I will wait and see what happens in the next few days and then give Skarlet a ring and see what she says.

At the end of the day though, again I did nothing wrong here — his backing off is really all him and his own “stuff”. I really don’t think he’s the type of man to say I love you lightly, or I miss you even. I think it takes a lot for him to say it at all.

And him needing some time to digest, well sure. And Skarlet did say that when he left here he’d end up thinking he didn’t get enough time with me, and that a trip is coming up soon.

So it’s really just a matter of time. I guess if he is really running away again then if we hit January I will sign up for Tinder again.

If I am honest, I am afraid we won’t actually get together. That this loving togetherness didn’t mean much to him. But then again, I have to trust the connection.

If I think about my past experiences, you can’t generate that kind of wonderful time with just anyone. The cuddling, the mutual physical, mental and emotional attraction, the mutual I love yous.

I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed soon. Anyway, a magical wonderful evening. Finally. I knew we had it in us. It’s what’s present in our conversations when things are good between us; and I wanted so much to see it in person. If I think about it, the only reason things got *really* messy last time really is because I brought up other women/us and what we are. Previously it’s all kind of been him, but usually after I alluded to us and such. Either way, when the door is open is when we can build our connection, and I’m so glad we got to. ❤

Well, that was quick – mixed feelings…

Yesterday morning he texted me at about 7:30 a.m. saying “Vacation!!!” and so, based on what Skarlet said, I said: Let me guess, you just got approval? And he said no, I was out on Friday but had to work at the drop zone.

So I guess she was wrong there, about him not knowing, but I guess I don’t know for sure what days he’s coming home – he didn’t seem to know. Of course I asked sooo what are your plans handsome? And he said he was coming home but just for a few days, he said 24th-26th I think

I kind of at that point assumed he wouldn’t have time to see me. So I just kind of said “pit stop” and he said “reverse pit stop ;)” and then said “we will meet up at some point for sure.”

So why do I have mixed feelings? Because after another line or two he didn’t message me again until the end of the day, at which point he reported: Such a fun day, gym, food, Star Wars — and of course it crossed my mind, who did you go with but I didn’t ask. None of my business, I guess.

I was a little irked so I wrote back after I got out of a movie with my friends and said that’s good 🙂 just saw sisters, so funny  — but he was probably asleep.

Or he’s hanging out with another chick, who knows.

The big reason I have mixed feelings about coming home is his dip in communication. Which, Skarlet DID warn me about, twice. And in a way, he got in touch before her “worst case scenario” read.

–maybe it’s family stuff that’s stressing him out– anyhow.

I guess I’m not sure if he’s just seeing me out of “obligation” — but then he doesn’t seem the type to do that at all, I mean look at how he just stops talking at times.

And he has come home before without telling me, last Feb when we weren’t talking.

I guess part of me is just like, if you don’t want to date long distance why are you continuing to talk to me and randomly make plans? Haha, it’s kind of like, if you don’t want to date long distance – why are dating long distance?

Perhaps he just has to come to no other option but to give us a try? In order to try it?

IDK. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing though, that’s not very goddess-like.

I hate the gray area. And we ARE the gray area. Dammit.

 

 

Poof! Bet ya didn’t see that one coming ;)

Welp! As the title suggests, Sky has gone underground again!

Haha, this is the last of our conversation – I told him something about how I thought he was right, I do need more salt in my diet, and it kills a lot of my sugar cravings. And then? Silence.

… After days of contact.

What kind of sick game is he playing, right?

Well, at first I was cool, then of course by day 2-3 I was upset. That’s my bell curve for being upset.

Here’s what we talked about mainly beforehand:

  • He didn’t get in to the army job he was applying for. He didn’t think he would but obviously that’s a bummer. Nobody likes not getting something they applied for. I think he told me as soon as he knew.
  • He told me he’s looking into taking a voluntary gig in Jerusalem for 6 months, which I guess is a lot of money. The way it pays out is, he’d be able to go, fall off the radar for a bit, come back in time for selection and signing in for the new job.
  • This was to avoid getting “moved” by the military? Not sure.
  • I told him it was funny but thinking about him being further away made me miss him more. (no reply to that one)
  • HE CALLED ME ONE NIGHT!!! Out of the blue, no asking 😀
  • I said mwah via text one night, no response, but he sometimes doesn’t.
  • I said hug in response to him not getting the news and he said hug back
  • No real chat of when he’s coming home or if he is? But that was the last of the plans.

I asked a Fiverr reader who had good reviews about if I’d see him this holiday season and what he wanted, and .. while she wasn’t wrong, I went running back to Skarlet again. This first person said she didn’t see contact till the 27th and then possibly seeing him a day or two after that — and that he likes me and wants to spend time but doesn’t want anything serious/to be tied down right now.

I started to feel like I was being that silly girl hanging on to a guy who is messing her around, wishing for something that isn’t there (right now). And that created a downward spiral of sorts, so then I called Skarlet.

She told me that she didn’t think Sky had booked tickets home yet, nor did he know if he could come home, which is also the reason he went quiet on me – fearing I’d be disappointed, upset. That she wasn’t sure if he’d make it home or not yet, but that if he does I will see him.

She said worst case scenario, I should message him on Christmas Eve and say Merry Christmas -thinking of you, and then go on to say something about knowing he wasn’t able to get time off from the military, and how that’s too bad but oh well we’ll have to make sure those vacation plans happen or something like that. And what this would do is show him that I get it, because one of his fears is that I won’t be happy in the lifestyle his job requires, which is not being there sometimes and it’s out of your control. And then he might start to test me and open up when things go south, instead of shutting me out. He’s frustrated by work stuff and that’s when he shuts down.

She also told me that after his visit and the wedding, he got marriage ideas in his head and decided to start working harder to advance so that he can move his career forward, be more established and have time to put into a marriage, which he doesn’t have right now and knows that marriages need.

I asked her how I would know if he was just being nice to me when I reached out, as she tells me to do these things sometimes but also says she would never tell me to pursue him/ask him out etc. And she said that I would have heard from him already/know somehow, as in him mentioning another girl or a date; that he wouldn’t have taken me to the wedding as his date; or spent all that time helping me pick out a dress for the wedding — the hours looking at pictures, reviewing this one that one, etc, which he really liked doing with me. She said it’s the same way a man likes watching his wife cook him dinner while he sits in the kitchen.

Sure, I have no way to know really if any of what she said on that call is accurate — but she still has never led me astray, even when she told me a few times he may go quiet before the holidays! And while part of me is like, he’s being a jerk not talking to you — here’s the kicker, what if she’s right?

What if, he’s really a good guy, and doesn’t know how to talk to me when he knows I might ask about if he’s coming home; and if he’s frustrated/mad that he’s not yet been granted permission to leave just after not being accepted to the job program he wanted to get into.

…of course, it could be the opposite, and it could be that he’s just been chatting to me when he’s bored and now all of a sudden he’s busy and not bored, so not talking to me — or he’s home already and not talking to me to avoid having to make plans with me — haha, but I guess if that’s the case… then if I send a message on Christmas Eve, *I* am still a sweet girl / good person, and really what do I have to lose?

Part of me wonders if I should have called him given his bad news, but — I just don’t know, given I have called him before and he’s ignored it and not called me back.

Well, let’s see what happens next!!

 

 

 

Enter the Shaman

So, I’ve actually been out with Shaman 3x now. We went out Friday. And then saw each other again Sunday…

and Friday’s date was well, amazing. We went for sushi and just the energy level attraction, he ended up sitting next to me in the booth and we were kind of all over each other. Then he wanted to see each other soon, and so Sunday I went over to his place and we basically made juice (or he did, I drank some) and then we just… had some pretty amazing sex. He made me feel like gold, head to toe, literally I can’t think of better how to say it than he made love to my entire body. Wrists, hip bones, feet, stomach, etc – everything was kissed. Everything.

We talked about waiting briefly but that didn’t last.. I mean.. if someone’s all making out with you and all over you it’s hard to not want them. I will write more on this later but, at the last minute I said we don’t have to do this right now and he just said he had his heart set … and it was on.

I felt like gold all this morning, and part of me just wants to be in his arms. He literally makes me *feel* loved. He makes me *feel* like a goddess, and tells me how lucky he is to have my attention. But in a way, I’m the lucky one. To experience a love that raw, open – it’s beautiful. Especially compared to someone like Sky.

Who, is quiet. I have been thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving, and what Skarlet recommended I do, and… I just don’t want to. I don’t want to feel like I have to take certain steps I wouldn’t do otherwise in order for that to happen, it doesn’t feel organic. I’d rather just really let it go and see where life takes me. I don’t think he’s gone, I think he will be back at some point, but I’m also done reaching for something that isn’t there.

And I know I miss his friendship but he’s not even being a friend to me, really. A friend would be excited about me getting the new job, would ask about my life, etc. He’s really just all wrapped up in his life and has nothing left for me. Doesn’t even really share what’s going on in his life with me. So really, we have nothing.

Maybe I will just not forgive him for not calling me after he left, when he said he would. Or at the very least, I will remember it. Just like I will remember the way he told me he has slept with other people. Like we were nothing, and how it wasn’t open for discussion. Like I’m some little girl in a fantasy land in some pretend relationship. It’s not a freaking game, it’s someone’s heart. How the last time I sent him pics and video at his request no less, he didn’t even freaking acknowledge it.

He really doesn’t even deserve my friendship at this point.

And it doesn’t really matter what he thinks and feels and dreams if he doesn’t share any of it with me, does it? Or until he does. If he ever does.

As it stands, while I grew a lot over this past year, and I like who I am and how I handle things a lot better now, I don’t credit any of it to him. He forced me to make myself see how powerful I actually am.. and I made all these changes in myself, and became a better person, but he gets NO credit. And if that’s the reason, spiritually, he was back in my life then … no. Not enough. Sorry. You don’t put someone through that much pain by someone they love so much to consistently have them fail.

It doesn’t seem balanced, it doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. And I believe life IS fair, despite what my dad always said. When things are truly how they are supposed to be, then you know – it seems right, balanced. When my other soulmate ex broke up with me, it was very painful but didn’t seem wrong. This situation with Sky just doesn’t feel right. It feels unfinished. But I also feel a sadness in my soul, almost that I know I couldn’t really trust him the same. That my initial dreams of how we would be together are crushed. He didn’t take care of me the way he always has. Or, always did.

He doesn’t seem to value what I bring into his life, he doesn’t seem to value me as a person, really. At least not right now. But it’s weird, because once upon a time, not too long ago, he did. And on some level I know he will again, he will realize. And if I really look at how things have gone since he left… well it’s like it all stopped. So in a way my sense was right, it ended.

I guess I was just a distraction for him, something fun and not realistic. I guess I won’t ever know more until I hear anything else, but I’m done trying to get his attention like I don’t have anything better going on. I mean, for a while I didn’t, but I was also in love with the guy. And I thought he was in love with me, but I guess that’s where I was wrong. Because at the end of the day, he treated me like I didn’t matter to him and all and never did.