He Doesn’t Exist

hi there…

Well, I just have this feeling lately like he doesn’t exist. Isn’t that weird?

It just seems like none of it ever happened. Like he only exists when he’s in town, and other than that it’s just..nothing. Like the text messages were fake, all IMing was fake, I got catfished by an internet being that doesn’t exist in real life.

I think of it..the situation now, and think whether I feel upset, and I don’t feel *anything*. Just numbness.

Like it wouldn’t even matter at all if I really did move on. Like I made it all up in my head. Like I’ve been dreaming for an entire year, pining away for this guy that isn’t present (only he definitely was at times, and I know that logically).

I have photos (not of this past visit), I have texts, I have pictures. But it’s like mentally I’m looking at someone else’s life. Because it did not “end”, which perhaps means it never actually started.

Perhaps the reality is I am just some chick to flirt with and have fun sexy time with when he’s bored/doesn’t have anything better going on. Who he also likes to pretend he loves? Who he loves in that moment? And knows he will love always …but does not wish to love that person actively?

I feel like if he texted me it wouldn’t actually be real. Like I wouldn’t feel I had to respond because it’s a fake entity talking to me anyway. Why indulge in that? Why indulge in nothingness?

At least we went out on a high note I guess.

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