Enter the Shaman

So, I’ve actually been out with Shaman 3x now. We went out Friday. And then saw each other again Sunday…

and Friday’s date was well, amazing. We went for sushi and just the energy level attraction, he ended up sitting next to me in the booth and we were kind of all over each other. Then he wanted to see each other soon, and so Sunday I went over to his place and we basically made juice (or he did, I drank some) and then we just… had some pretty amazing sex. He made me feel like gold, head to toe, literally I can’t think of better how to say it than he made love to my entire body. Wrists, hip bones, feet, stomach, etc – everything was kissed. Everything.

We talked about waiting briefly but that didn’t last.. I mean.. if someone’s all making out with you and all over you it’s hard to not want them. I will write more on this later but, at the last minute I said we don’t have to do this right now and he just said he had his heart set … and it was on.

I felt like gold all this morning, and part of me just wants to be in his arms. He literally makes me *feel* loved. He makes me *feel* like a goddess, and tells me how lucky he is to have my attention. But in a way, I’m the lucky one. To experience a love that raw, open – it’s beautiful. Especially compared to someone like Sky.

Who, is quiet. I have been thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving, and what Skarlet recommended I do, and… I just don’t want to. I don’t want to feel like I have to take certain steps I wouldn’t do otherwise in order for that to happen, it doesn’t feel organic. I’d rather just really let it go and see where life takes me. I don’t think he’s gone, I think he will be back at some point, but I’m also done reaching for something that isn’t there.

And I know I miss his friendship but he’s not even being a friend to me, really. A friend would be excited about me getting the new job, would ask about my life, etc. He’s really just all wrapped up in his life and has nothing left for me. Doesn’t even really share what’s going on in his life with me. So really, we have nothing.

Maybe I will just not forgive him for not calling me after he left, when he said he would. Or at the very least, I will remember it. Just like I will remember the way he told me he has slept with other people. Like we were nothing, and how it wasn’t open for discussion. Like I’m some little girl in a fantasy land in some pretend relationship. It’s not a freaking game, it’s someone’s heart. How the last time I sent him pics and video at his request no less, he didn’t even freaking acknowledge it.

He really doesn’t even deserve my friendship at this point.

And it doesn’t really matter what he thinks and feels and dreams if he doesn’t share any of it with me, does it? Or until he does. If he ever does.

As it stands, while I grew a lot over this past year, and I like who I am and how I handle things a lot better now, I don’t credit any of it to him. He forced me to make myself see how powerful I actually am.. and I made all these changes in myself, and became a better person, but he gets NO credit. And if that’s the reason, spiritually, he was back in my life then … no. Not enough. Sorry. You don’t put someone through that much pain by someone they love so much to consistently have them fail.

It doesn’t seem balanced, it doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t seem fair. And I believe life IS fair, despite what my dad always said. When things are truly how they are supposed to be, then you know – it seems right, balanced. When my other soulmate ex broke up with me, it was very painful but didn’t seem wrong. This situation with Sky just doesn’t feel right. It feels unfinished. But I also feel a sadness in my soul, almost that I know I couldn’t really trust him the same. That my initial dreams of how we would be together are crushed. He didn’t take care of me the way he always has. Or, always did.

He doesn’t seem to value what I bring into his life, he doesn’t seem to value me as a person, really. At least not right now. But it’s weird, because once upon a time, not too long ago, he did. And on some level I know he will again, he will realize. And if I really look at how things have gone since he left… well it’s like it all stopped. So in a way my sense was right, it ended.

I guess I was just a distraction for him, something fun and not realistic. I guess I won’t ever know more until I hear anything else, but I’m done trying to get his attention like I don’t have anything better going on. I mean, for a while I didn’t, but I was also in love with the guy. And I thought he was in love with me, but I guess that’s where I was wrong. Because at the end of the day, he treated me like I didn’t matter to him and all and never did.


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