In the fog of what the heck am I doing/am I on the right path? Freak out.

Things have been really hard this week. I started a rotation, meaning I am opening myself up to other men, but I feel like my life is all wrong. Like I stepped into some alternate universe and it just doesn’t feel right. Maybe that’s what Sky felt like when he was without me, that’s what he told me when we went on our cruise – with the other girls, something just didn’t feel right.

There’s one guy… we will call him Shaman. He’s just a spiritual being. He is energy manifested into a person, and he doesn’t quite understand what he is, but he senses –as he says — “goddess” energy in me. I like him but he may be “above” me, literally and figuratively. But I do like him. Still, I fall asleep thinking about Sky. Wake up thinking about Sky.

Then there is Diamond. He’s very smart, a little harsh..typical EMB. Which means kind of aspie. Anyway, he hurt me today by saying I’m jaded and a pessimist. I was trying to defend myself saying that I wasn’t, and then it all kind of fumbled from there, so then eventually I just stopped and went off a bit but then apologized and said I was sad to be painted in a way I’m not, but then maybe I’ve been to hard on him. Etc. And he relaxed too, so that’s back on.

Sky, I did hear from — actually, I forget how it started. Oh, now I know. I followed Skarlet’s advice and messaged him a note on Veteran’s day. Given what he does and all.. she explained it’s good manners if I say it and don’t expect a response. Well, he carried on the conversation a bit … oddly sent me a bunch of pics of his truck in response, which I think was not meant for me (but he said it was, and he sent cause he was proud).

Told him about the job and he didn’t really congratulate me, just kind of said he needed to get a job like that (unlimited vacation time) — then we talked about us a bit, well I just kinda couldn’t stop myself, after he told me the first vacation he took in 5 years was with me — I told him that was my first trip with a guy, not a friend or family, and that I had invited him cause he was one of my fave people and I kinda hoped something might happen but had no idea it would open all those doors so fast.

Then I talked about his relationships a bit… he was curious about what I had to say but also kind of didn’t want to talk about it. Then I said something about his ex-wife, and that relationship; and he was like “not reading that” and that was that. Then a week later he messaged me to tell me he doesn’t need surgery and he was all happy about that.

Which was cute… that he wanted to tell me. I said I was happy for him, etc.

But not much since then.

& so the other two guys.


le sigh, le sigh…






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