Yesterday was the first day of no contact since we started talking again ~2 months ago.

At least I think it was. Eventually, no matter how much a girl’s gonna try to keep things going and be supportive and loving to a closed-off man, she’s gotta realize that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Clearly my attempts at “Hellooooo out theeereee” aren’t working. I get an echo thrown back at me, basically.

He’s caving out. My new term for freaking out, when they go into a cave. And we, as the women, get to wonder what the heck went wrong or how we fix it and want him to talk about it and be close again. And we wonder if there is someone else he’s talking to now, or what the heck he’s up to in general, and doesn’t he miss us?

But men – manly men – don’t talk about their problems when they are trying to sort it out. It would be unmanly to ask for help, to not be able to handle things, to show weakness of any kind or insecurity or fear.

So they back off. No real plan on what to do next other than, this doesn’t feel good at the moment, and it’s safer and quieter in my cave, where I can take whatever time I want to figure this shit out and feel OKay with everything. Too much emotion, maybe.

Did you know, that with women when we bond and form close connections, we get an oxytocin bump! (Google it if you don’t know what that really means or don’t believe me). It’s a naturally occurring happy drug. We get it through bonding and sex. Men get it through bonding, but not sex. However, with men, when oxytocin levels go up, testosterone levels drop, and then they feel not like themselves – and that’s part of why they go cave out, in order to feel more like themselves. So oxytocin drops, testosterone rises, they beat their chests and feel confident and manly again, and come back – unless, of course, a more interesting woman showed up in the mean time. I guess most times that doesn’t happen, but of course it *could*.

To me, it makes sense kind of, but then I think about the men who didn’t back off really ever. I guess looking back they weren’t the totally masculine type… or maybe they just have faster rebound times. I suppose you also have to toss in how busy their lives are and how much they want a relationship in their life (or wanted one before meeting you) to determine how they are likely to act.

But anyway… as the title states – let the record show that yesterday, Sky and I had no contact. And I’m content to let it go on like that – basically he kind of already unceremoniously, unofficially dumped me so – but there’s my negativity bias and me assigning meaning when I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. And I’ve been wrong before.

But again.. all I really have is today. And right now. And I have tried to communicate with him, so it’s not like I did not try. Best thing is to get on with my life, I suppose. I wonder if I should begin dating other people? I guess I can give it a little more time. Til he was supposed to be here, I guess – and after that I will open myself up to other people should nothing have changed from today.

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Did my own tarot card reading online

Morning all,

As you know if you follow I do get psychic readings on situations I feel I don’t have a grasp on. I know this is because I have control issues and freak out when I feel powerless and someone is treating me in a way that I don’t understand and is hurtful. I usually only really ask about relationship stuff, everything else in my life I feel I can get through.

I really like this one site for free tarot readings, free-tarot-reading.net. It’s just really beautiful.

Today I asked about my current situation with Sky/the upcoming visit.

Cards I got in the free 6-card spread (you do everything yourself, it’s not a paid reading)

How I feel about self: Tower – So valid! Disruption and sweeping change. Or fear of it.

What I want most: Wheel of fortune – I want a turning point or change. Interpretation on site says to expect it now and destiny is at play.

Fears: Strength – Ding ding ding! From the site: You are fearful of lacking the will power and strength to deal with someone or something that concerns you. Feeling negative and listening to all your fears will only create failure and lost opportunities. Be as brave as a lion but work compassionately and you’ll be fine.

…soo true. I am afraid I can’t deal with these ups and downs. But as you know I’m trying to be positive so hopefully it’s all gravy in the end!

What is going on for me: Judgement – from site: Brand new potential, an opportunity which once given must not be ignored, a new project, decision or relationship that could affect the rest of your life. You will enjoy success and enjoyment for past efforts, events will pick up a pace and the outcome will be quicker than expected.

…eek! That would be awesome.

What is going against me: Sun – You may experience a few delays on your quest for success and achievement but don’t worry, you’ll get there in a blaze of glory. Success may go to your head a little so a little modesty wouldn’t go amiss. Other than a few minor delays, look forward to a period of joy and happiness.

I hope that’s right! The delays would make sense in the situation now, but if things with the visit end up really well, then I can see this reading being totally valid.

Outcome – The Emperor – Expect success and achievement of your goals, this is a time for fulfillment of your ambitions. If you have placed your trust in your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life, they will come up trumps for you. If you have been the victim of ill-will don’t worry, you will win in the end.

Yay. I did a reading in the past on myself when he was MIA – way back in Feb – just re-read it, and it did come up true. I think I did another (but I didn’t save) when he was MIA the second time, and it said there was basically a period of aloneness – but I can’t look at the time and figure out how relevant that was. So we will see!

Have a great day to whoever is reading this. 🙂

There’s a big hole in my life.

I wish I was writing today to say that things were back on track and the most amazing, loving man was in my life the way he has been. But, he is still very distant. He replied to the last text I sent yesterday evening around lunch time today, and I responded about 90 minutes later – and no response to that.

At least there’s something… but.

I’m a little at a loss. And obviously, I miss him.

I think back over the past.. 9 months and, the two times he has gone distant before. The times before, it was kind of like a slow build towards the silent times – well, at least last time it was. The first time, it was pretty dramatic – almost as if he welcomed any and all distractions from having to think about or address what was going on between us. Before he knew it, a month had gone by (where he was working a training thing for skydivers, some kind of intensive training) and as soon as it was over he got in touch. We talked it out then, (and, forgive me if I already wrote about this – but – as much as I want this blog to be a “me too!” type thing for others, it’s also for my own catharsis) and I didn’t handle it all that well – I was too happy to have him back and didn’t ask the tough questions and so on, I just wanted things back the way they were.

So, while he/we wanted to see each other, we didn’t make plans then — and two months passed. April wasn’t a great month, he was “weird” and was talkative but, he wasn’t present. And then, just as fast as he came on, he was gone again. It hurt more the second time, because I thought somehow our love was stronger since he had left me and come back. It made me question everything, and I just felt so sad for myself and also the time lost over what I thought was something he wasn’t even serious about. I didn’t try much this time to talk to him, since the time before it really didn’t make a difference. The one time I did try, he ignored me.

Through May I picked up the pieces and pulled myself back together. I went out on a date with another man (the guy was obsessed, it was a bit terrifying). And basically, I resolved to move on with my life – at least, I had given things a shot with someone I always deep down felt I should have been with anyway. I went out with another guy from my past, and that was okay – but I wasn’t attracted anymore. Just his way of being – it appealed to less mature me, but I have grown and want something real and lasting now. I also almost hung out with my most recent ex – as friends (from my side) – but then –

He poofed back into my life. This time, I already knew I was going to let him sweat a bit when he finally made contact. Turned out I didn’t even see his first attempt and he went into a bit of a panic – he ended up texting me twice (I thought the first text was the first contact, so I let it sit) – and facebook messaging. This time I made it clear we could talk it out on the phone, not on messenger. Again, he said he doesn’t know why he does this — which is what he said the first time — and yes, work does get very busy — and he had got some bad news about not being selected for a program he wanted to get into – but why he drops things, and treats me like that, of all people, he dislikes about himself. He expressed desire to change. But I think he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down – and when he’s muddled through whatever it is, he comes back.

The thing is, apparently his feelings for me have (surprisingly) been solid through all of this, according to him. I’m not entirely sure – sometimes I think, he mainly falls in love with me when I’m not around. But sometimes I guess that’s what it takes? Or he just really does get super distracted and feels like he doesn’t have time to sit and chat with me, or send me texts throughout the day – or whatever. And then he realizes a bunch of time passed, and then is kind of like well now what …

I mean what’s a lady to do? Here’s the man saying really, his feelings didn’t change and he wants to pick things up and is apologetic about how things happened – whom she loves back – but at the same time, she went through a hurtful experience.

And then he did it again. And when he came back the second time, things became amazing between them and they grew as a couple and she was blissfully happy. A little unsure of the future, but blissfully happy.

I can only wonder if this …2 months on, 1 month off process is going to continue indefinitely, or if it gets better? Is it really worth it, even if he is one of the best (if not the best) man I know? I’ve spent 16 years searching for someone who could equal him and love me too, and haven’t found it…

But I suppose at this point I really don’t know what my options are. All I do know is that, while I’m supposed to be going to a wedding with the man I love at the end of the month, that man is kind of nowhere to be found right now. There’s someone on the end of the line texting back to me sporadically, but the emotional warmth and closeness – gone. And given how all we really have are our today’s, and  people make plans all the time that don’t come to fruition … fill in the blank…– however, I can’t throw in the towel on this plan just yet. Picture me hanging out in the ocean with a life preserver. Just hanging out to see what happens, trying not to panic because there’s not much you can do.

And most of all, I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. I had a migraine and was a bit distant, sure. Maybe it wasn’t nice to experience. But you don’t shut down a relationship for that.

Of course – there is also the possibility that, the closer time got to him actually coming home and us seeing each other again, the more he thought about it and the more scared he got about us getting closer and taking that next step. Cold feet. I think he will recover – it’s a man thing – and I feel by now I have done my part to show him that I care and be supportive of how busy his work is and so on. I think I can safely give it some space — not too much — but start backing off. Creating space. Letting him come forward. Letting him miss me – enough to want to bring me into his life. But there’s that little voice that says, what about me? Why do I have to be the one that suffers here while he just does what he needs to do to get his emotions / head straight? It’s extremely difficult to stay open to someone who is unintentionally hurting you with their actions because they are overwhelmed or distracted or whatever. And then there is always the possibility that it’s really a very rude brush-off, thinking I will get the hint. Or someone else distracting him. Maybe several someone elses. But if that is true… then… I’m probably better off in the long run anyway.

I guess if we see each other in person then I can say to him something along the lines of how I have been trying to do what we said, and not let him drift away, but it requires a lot of me putting aside my own emotions for very little response from him. And maybe there’s a better way to go about it. I don’t know. I’m tired now, it’s late. And there’s a big hole in my life where he was filling up so much. It’s literally like I lost my best friend.

Is it him being distant? Or just aloof? & Positive Thoughts!

Just a morning update. I tend to write when my mind is chewing on something and I need to get it out and down somewhere. I really encourage trying this at least once to people who don’t, I think it can help get through things if you find anxiety is building up a bit.

I had mentioned in my last post how I texted him back with how I’m excited to see him soon, little nervous since it’s been a while but excited. Then, I wrote about how I deadlifted more than my body weight at the gym with my trainer (milestone for me!)

Sky wrote back something along the lines of atta girl, that’s some power

And I replied with a smiley face and some more details (like how I almost fell over backwards on the last rep).

I was miffed that he didn’t address coming home, clearly he was distracted (or being a male and completely missed the hint of, please say something along the lines of coming home so I know you are still coming!)

He also didn’t respond to the details of my funny day. I’m going with he’s having a bad day. I’m remembering what he said in the past about how he doesn’t respond when he’s in a bad mood etc. NOT the best way of handling things but… I’m going with the positive thoughts here..

Interestingly…three of my readers are targeting next week for a turnaround from him — so I can get through a week no problem right?? Right??

Hopefully, in two weeks from now or so I will have a blog post up about how things are wonderful and how we get our first pic up on social media 😉 Positive thoughts positive thoughts.

If he does what he has done in the past… he will explain it all (what’s been going on for him) once he is in a better place. On the plus side, we have a drip-drip-drop of communication going, instead of nothing. I am leaving it to him today, and maybe tomorrow, because I have lathered on the praise and support operating on the assumption he’s really busy and stressed and overwhelmed and it’s not me. He has told me in the past his job is the reason he has been single for two years, because of the hours of his main job and that he skydives on the weekends for demo’s or training for demo’s etc. I just wish he would freaking TELL me that. lol.

At the end of this little blip though, I will know if my actions can create a different outcome than previous disappearances on his behalf. Can’t wait to see how that turns out, actually. Bit of a scientist geek in me.

finally – the miss you too text!

I had an appt with my therapist today  — gotta tell you, if you find the right one they are SO helpful. Advice is way more on point than friends and it just helps you feel so much better. I caught her up on my life, and specifically with Sky, and she encouraged me to act out of love instead of fear, and tell him how I feel – short message – hey, thinking of you, miss you

So that’s what I sent. and I FINALLY got a sign of light at the end of this weird tunnel – finally he wrote miss you too (and more about how he’s busy today). So then I sent him another message about how I’m excited to see him soon, a little nervous since it’s been so long but excited. (that was my therapist’s initial advice).

I feel like half the weight was just lifted from my shoulders ::bliss::

Lesson? Sometimes you have to put your own emotions aside – especially if they are stopping you from taking action – and decide to act out of love despite your personal feelings and despite fear.

And relationships are give and take, but sometimes one person does a lot more of the giving and sometimes the other person does.

Credit for those thoughts mainly goes to my rockin therapist 😀

What if relationship stress is really just a test based on personal fear?

To update you on Sky – well, he did text me this morning (yay!) – more about, how he’s tired, and then what he did with at work that morning. We went back and forth a tiny bit – not much – but better than nothing. I told him I was proud of his work ethic or something like that (trying to be supportive) and said something about how it can’t be easy. Conversation dropped off after a bit.

Mid-afternoon I sent him a message to ask how his day was going, answer was something along the lines of still busy…

And nothing since.

Of course, a million thoughts have been going through my mind. Like, is the writing on the wall? Is he gently blowing me off? What on earth is going on with this upcoming wedding I’m supposedly going to? Is he even still coming back home? Is there someone else?

…all the typical insecure female thoughts.

And then: What am I going to DO about it all?

Options are: Try to talk to him. Some people would say the obvious thing is to call him but – I’m a wimp, and I’m scared, and I feel like if he can’t even really text or message, why would he want to talk on the phone. Plus, he has not answered and not called back before.

Or, not talk to him. Let him talk to me.

It seems like not talking to him would be the worst thing to do in this situation given the upcoming trip. I decided to not be invasive and be extra loving (though he doesn’t deserve it really right now). It’s the complete opposite of my normal thing.

As far as the wedding… my mindset is, normally if you have plans with a man and it hasn’t been confirmed really recently then you act like it’s not happening. But this is an event. And he asked what kind of food I wanted. And booked a hotel room for two nights.

Thus, I must act like it is happening – but – not go out of my way to prepare for it (no additional outfit, hair, accessory, or makeup related purchases) and, not be surprised if it doesn’t happen for whatever reason.

I do feel a little bit like a pushover, since normally I’d be all quiet and well, screw-you then attitude (not really, I’d be upset, but I’d be all I AM NOT TALKING FIRST!). And honestly… at times it really hurts. I’ve been crying on and off for the past few days, but today I feel my mindset has settled a bit. I ended up on this:

What if this right now, it’s all a test? 

To either show me how I can choose to handle things, when I don’t really know what’s going on. What if everything really is fine, and he really is just super busy and not a great communicator, and I’m not in his day-to-day musts so I fall off the agenda. That plus, what if this is military life as an officer? Retardedly long days for days on end sometimes.

And instead of considering that, I immediately jumped to the worst option – dooms day – and made my own life hard, when perhaps that was unnecessary? Sure, he could handle his affairs with me better (in my opinion) – but what if, a week from now, or two-ish weeks from now he’s back here and things are fine, and I made myself miserable mostly because of my own thoughts.

Just passing time until then I suppose… Positive thoughts. ❤

Debt Snowball: What Paying Off Little Cards Feels Like

Hey all,

In my last personal finance post, I gave a background of sorts and also celebrated finally completing step 1. I mentioned my debt load, but didn’t mention my payoff plans.

This month, with my bonus check, I paid of my buggy Best Buy card. MAYBE I did mention that. But honestly, it didn’t feel that great. Like, I want a congratulations letter from BestBuy, or a little celebratory graphic to show up when I send in the full balance and last payment. Nope. Nobody cares.

I am/was oddly hesitant to keep paying off little credit cards with more of my bonus money. I had thoughts like – but I can’t use those in case of an emergency. I should put the money towards a major card instead. 

And then I remembered: I do have a baby emergency fund. And I’m not support to be using credit cards at all!

My plan originally was to pay off actually three cards this month – but that’s if I was perfect, and it’s been a stressful month and I do spend money when I’m stressed out. So, I have BestBuy paid off – and then I was sitting on the money to pay off the next cards…

It’s like I didn’t want to part with the cash. Then, I was listening to Dave’s radio show, and he said that if we are hesitant to pay off debts it’s because we don’t want to admit that we spent the money.

It’s true. It’s also, at this point I’ve forgotten what I actually bought… or don’t care about it as much…or whatever, so I don’t want to pay for it NOW. But guess what honey, that’s not the way life works! So, I sent another $250 to the next card on the list, which is my TJMaxx card. I believe I can pay that one off still, but I am holding out til further towards the end of the month because I don’t want to run out of money before the month is over.

I also have about $400 in cash in a drawer, which I am saving for the end of the month because, as you know from my other posts, Sky is supposed to be here. I want to save that to know I have financial peace when he is here. I don’t plan on spending all that (or even close to it?) but I don’t want to even slightly worry that I’m going to overdraw, or something like that. (I get paid monthly – so last weekend of the month/last week is generally the most precarious financial time for me).

Just a small update on my financial thoughts before I begin writing my next post – which is about – the love life.